Stepfather Being Left Out

Well this is not really unique to 'Step families' A., this happens often even when all kids in the house are bio to both parents.

Since this is a mom's site, I feel safe in using the old philosophy: The Best Thing A Father Can Do For His Children Is Support Their Mother.

Unless of course she is abusing them or neglecting them, of course. Otherwise, yeah....

It's not a competition, you are not 'buying' a say in their lives by offering financial support.

In a few years, when the kids are gone, won't it be nice for her to look back and think, 'what a great husband, backing me up and helping me out all those years!'?

:)

Plus, they're GIRLS, and SHE'S a girl, too. So she might have a better idea what they need, see?

My husband will say the same about me! As parents it comes down to being on the same page. I have to fully listen to why my husband feels the way he feels about certain subjects and sometimes agree with him but disagree behind closed doors. I can honestly say that 9 times out of 10 his way has been the best way for the betterment of our family, and I do not see it until later on down the line and I am glad I listened but it was not always that way. I sometimes fought tooth and nail for my way.

He feels that we are not introducing birth control to our girls because that is giving them the permission, I feel the Opposite. We are hashing this one out behind closed doors.

A. you are not alone my hubby sometimes feel the same but know this a man who steps in a raises a child in the absence of a father has a double blessing coming his way, same goes for a step mom!

Sending you on the same page wishes!

A., "having a say" isn't the same as getting to make the decision. I have never been in a step parent situation, but it's kind of sounds like you want to be the decision maker.

Tell your wife how you feel, in a nice, non-threatening way and allow her to tell you how she feels as well. Decisions should be made together, but in a way that benefits your girls, not just as a way to assert the authority that you think you should have.

Take a good look at yourself and ask ,"Do I want everything my way?" and be honest. Your family will respect you for it! I would also be very careful to use the idea that it's "your money" as a reason to make decisions.

Good luck!

I am a little confused about the dating & birth control issues unless you are both looking ahead.

As to the decision making, she is wrong (I think... since I don't know her side) but with 4 girls raised & grandaughters who are growing up & have grown up, I must say that my DH (also a step) is REALLY overprotective, men just naturally are that way with their girlz.

You have been together for so long, has this ALWAYZ been a problem? If so, then perhaps counseling now before the teen yrs get here would be a good idea! If you can't agree now, believe me when the time comes (and it's RIGHT around the corner) that dating & birth control issues ARE in your face the ride is going to get outta control FAST! The girls are going to sense the friction & use one parent againest the other, IF they haven't already done so.

Talk, talk, talk, talk as calmly as possible & not in front of the girlz...if that simply does not work then you ARE going to need counseling.

Hi A.,
I'm curious if the bio dad is in the picture? That would certainly factor into my response if I knew that. But based on what you've said above and how long you've been parenting your step daughters, I don't understand why your wife won't share the responsibility of making the "big decisions" WITH you. My husband had a step dad from age 6 on up and he certainly had a say in his step sons' lives.

Like others have said, I think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel and you guys have an open and honest discussion about your feelings and how she perceives your role in the girls' lives.

That being said, I have legal guardianship of my granddaughter. My husband is her "step" grandfather and is not named in the guardianship, thus he has no "legal" standing. However. right away he told me he wants to be involved, he wants to be informed of everything happening with her, and he wants to provide the all important male role model for her. I was thrilled! I raised my daughter as a single mom and I am so happy to have someone to help me raise my granddaughter. You don't realize how much you depend on that other person's input until there is no other person with input. So many times raising my daughter I wished there were another parent to bounce things off of, discuss things with, and just to be on my side when I was unsure of what I was doing.

Your wife doesn't know how lucky she is to have someone who wants to be as involved as you want to be. Do your best to point that out (in a very nice way, of course). And I don't see why you can't be part of the decision-making process when it comes to birth control. You don't have to discuss the issue firsthand with the girls, but you should be having a discussion with your wife about things like that.

Good luck. I think the key is to have the discussion when you are both in a good mood and there are no decisions pending.

It sounds like you probably need to sit down with her and have a discussion about this, at a time when you are both not upset about anything, and preferably when there are no major decisions looming before you regarding the kids.

Let her know how you feel--these are your daughters, and you take your role as their dad very serious. And you feel cut out and undermined (whatever words best fit your feelings) when you are given no role by her in being the parent that you feel you are and should be for the girls. If you can bring it up kindly, you might point out that the girls are learning by example that the dad (in their case, someday the future husband/father of their children) is not to be allowed to help with parenting--and is that how she wants her girls to have relationships with the father of their children? Even if her words say something different, kids learn by example, not by "do what I say, not what I do." Also, point out that this is not really healthy for your marriage either--you are supposed to be partners and work through problems _together_ and unilateral decisions made by one partner undermine that. You could use the example of "How would feel if I came home tomorrow with a new car, without talking to you about and getting your input on that major decision? Well imagine how it feels for me, to be left out of major decisions raising and caring for the children I love." Then ask her to, next time something comes up, to talk to you about it, privately, before making the decision and/or discussing it with the girls too much.

I think its best to sit down with her calmly and talk to your wife about it. Let her know how you feel and how she is making you feel. Unless you tell her calmly she isn't going to fully know.

I wish my husband would take more of the roll of fully, with both feet being a dad to my boys. He does, but he will also sit back alot of times and see how Im going to handle it first. I get so fusterated. He knows this but it is what it is.

As for the dating... I think you both need to be on the same page. If you disagree you both need to hear both sides of why you both think a certain age is appropriate or not appropriate.

The birth control... let her handle that! IMO that comes with the mom job, just like explaining the sex and period talks. Personally I would have been embarrassed if my dad had tried to talk to me about it. Although I did have the talk with my oldest... he even said can xxx ( my husband) talk to me about this? I just smiled at him. He has gone to my husband ( his dad isn't in the picture) and they have talked about "boy" stuff.

Together we have all talked about curfew, dating, drinking, driving, drugs and yes sex. But only after my husband and I have talked and were on the same page before talking about it with our son.

parenting is all about giving and taking and most importantly talking about it. We all were raised differently and all we know is what we liked and didn't like and what we would change when growing up. Our partners bring in a whole different experience that's why its so important to talk about it, frequently.

Good luck and I hope you two can come to an agreement with out her throwing it back at you... for your sake I hope the "step" title is thrown out the window forever! I hate the titles on people/ family. You are a family as a whole.. no need for titles :)

I think the same would happen if they were your bio kids and she disagreed. Mayeb yo both need to sit down and discuss roles in parenting with or without a mediator? Honestly when I was with my ex I can say I always made most of the decisions regarding our daughter and he backed M. up J. because he believed I had her best interest..grated she was 3 when we spilt up so I assume it would have been diferent on the issues you're talking about, but anyway I hope my bf and my daughter grow to have a relkationship like one you ddescribe...I try and listen and not contradict him in front of her. I think thats the most impt part, you're going to disagree but you have to have a united front in front of the kids. If not they'll sense it and feed off of it. I cans ee how you'd be hurt, I'd be hurt if someone didn't take my opinion into account with my daughter and they are your daughters. You need to have a heart to heart on how much you love and care about them and how you want to be invoved in decsions and create a new plan for making them together, so that if you disagree you have a way to communicate and meet in the middle

It is tough to co-parent especially when co-parenting w/ a step-parent. I suggest talking w/ your wife at a time that you are not having a disagreement with her about the girls. Tell her that while you feel you are their father, you don't feel that you are treated as their father when you disagree with her on something. Explain that you would like for the two of you to discuss things and when you disagree, have the opportunity to discuss further without her just going w/ her decision instead.

You must also realized that whether or not you are their biological or step parent, when mom and dad disagree a decision still has to be made (and should be made in the best interest of the child rather than based on who would be getting their way). Ultimately, SHE is the one that is responsible (not saying you shouldn't have any say, just saying).

I have two children but my husband is my son's step-father. While I believe he has his best interest at heart, we have always had varying opinions of what that may be. He would often get upset with me when I went with "my decision" rather than what he wanted but I will tell you that on the occassions that we disagreed and I "let him have his way" and went against my "mommy gut", I have ALWAYS regretted (sometimes sooner than later but regret it I did). If I had it to do over again, the only thing I woudl do different ly is not go against my mommy gut.

Tough spot A.. The conventional wisdom around blended families is that the bio parent is the primary disciplinarian and decision maker regarding his or her bio kids. If you're familiar with a RACI chart, the bio parent's role is generally R/A (responsible and accountable) and the step parent's role is generally C/I (consulted and/or informed).

However, I think that in a case like yours where seems to be no biological father who has a primary parenting role in their lives and you have been raising them for as long as they can remember, your role should be more of a co-parent. It's not fair for your wife to enjoy the benefits of being married and having someone be an equal partner in raising her children but then also execute unilateral decision making over important things as if she were a single parent. That may be a tough message for her to swallow, but it's one that she must hear.

I would suggest a few sessions with a counselor who has experience with blended families and adolescents. Our kids were a bit older than yours when we blended - they were both 5 - and we only got custody of my step-daughter a year ago (she's 14 now). We also have two younger biological children. We still have major issues over who has a say in what with the older kids - I know that my husband had been in my son's life for literally as long as he can remember (age 2) but my gut reaction in many instances is to "protect" my child and get defensive and controlling when my husband and I disagree about something with him. On the other hand, I get all kinds of fired up when my opinions regarding decisions about my step-daughter are dismissed. Same thing in reverse for him. Working with a counselor helps neutralize those hot buttons and get to the bottom of what's really bothering both if you when you disagree. A good counselor can also help with setting up a basic discipline plan and can help you two understand where you agree and disagree on parenting philosophies and how to use both the agreement and disagreement wisely. Agreement is easy, but understanding where you differ can help you to rely on each other for alternate perspectives if you can be respectful about it.

Good luck to you...the adolescent years will bring many challenges that have some pretty lasting consequences so hopefully you'll be able to get on the same page about the big things if you have a 3rd party help guide you in the process.

Hi A.,

You sound like a caring dad and your girls are lucky to have you. I don't know you or your wife, but I wonder if perhaps the issues that your wife insists on having absolute control over are not due to you technically being the stepfather, but because she considers things like dating, birth control, etc to be girl issues, just as she likely wouldn't have consulted you about when the girls could start shaving their legs or whether they should use tampons or pads. She may think of these as girlie issues, between moms and daughters, and if you were raising boys together, she might think differently.
While I would not automatically put a teen on birth control, if my teenager came to me and told me that she needed some kind of protection, or an abortion, I would not feel that I needed to discuss this with my husband. We did discuss things together, such as the rule that you can't be alone in the house with someone you are dating, you cannot sleep over at someone's house who you are dating, etc.
Maybe it would be good for the two of you to see a counselor, mediator or other third party to discuss the conflicts that you are having about making decisions for your girls. Good luck.

Sounds like you both have the same argument. She's accusing you of being disagreeable or wanting everything your way... you're accusing her of being disagreeable and wanting everything her way.

The added component I'm hearing however is "who should make the decisions about the girls".

That implies only one person.

As in if she IS talking with things with you, are you taking that as you're being ICED OUT of the decision making process if she doesn't do exactly as you think? (AKA if she's talking something over with you it becomes "your decision"?)

You may not be, but it's a common thing with many people. "If you don't take my advice 100% then I have no say."

When 2 people have opposite, or even differing viewpoints, a decision needs to be reached in some manner. Compromise isn't always possible (i mean, like birth control every other day is the same as no birth control at all). Nor is NOT making a decision (which equals a decision in and of itself).

Honestly... I'd suggest marriage counseling. Not because your marriage is in danger, but because a 3rd person to show you when you're both arguing the same thing is HUGE. (AKA both of you aren't feeling listened to or valued). Sounds like there's also a lot of miscommunication in other areas, as well.

The cellphone issue, for example, COULD (not saying is) be her not "digging" at you, but trying to show you when one would be useful OR if you're saying that you never get a say, her showing you something she feels strongly about but decided to go with your preferance, even though it's not her own, OR, OR, OR, OR. There are soooo many reasons this could be being brought up.

A marriage counselor can help get you both on the same page. Sounds like you're both reading the same book (loving and wanting the best for your kids), but are in totaly different places. And instead of helping each other, are making things harder for each other. Which is probably what NEITHER of you want.

Something to think about though:

Having a say does NOT equal always getting your way. And it's not pay to play. You would/should have just as much of a say in you didn't bring in dime 1. Loving the kids and being their father is the currency. Not "I put a roof over their heads"... which is insulting and demeaning to your spouse. Whether she stays at home or works. It's not a numbers game UNLESS only one of you is spending the majority of their time with the kids. If one of you spends 2 hours a day with the kids and another spends 14... the person with 2 hours is making the other person live with the consequences of their decision. Micromanaging NEVER works. Which is when it becomes a numbers game. No matter how much you love them, if you don't have to deal with the issues a decision causes, then it's not your decision.

I'm in the same situation but as a step mom, I've been "MOM" to them since they were 2 1/2 and 1 as well. Most times my husband and I make decisions together, especially because they rarely see their mom and I financially support as well...our feeling is I don't have to be the one who gave birth or be legally recognized to be their mom. Sometimes he needs to be the one to decide or to tell them our decision though because he is Dad, and sometimes he leaves it up to me if it's a girl issue he feels he doesn't know enough about. It sounds to me like you'd have this issue if they were your bio kids too. It's more about learning to co-parent and decide stuff together as a team before telling them, not making decisions alone...and that's HARD for lots of parents to do!! Sometimes you feel like you need to make a split second decision and it makes it hard to consult one another, or you don't even realize you made a decision the other would want to be in on. Just keep talking to your wife and know that not all parents agree on every decision, as long as you agree the basic values you are trying to teach you're on the right path!

So the problem is your Wife.
Because she is contradicting herself and not "allowing" you to be a full parent. Even if you have been raising them since they were 2.5 years old.

Did you adopt the girls? Or can you?
Or not?
Maybe this is another impediment in the whole thing.

And your Wife seems to want total control.
Even if you have the title of "Dad."

Have you and your Wife ever had couples counseling?
Maybe your Wife has a hard time letting go of the reins over her kids and/or, she has other issues for not 'allowing' you to be a real parent to her/your kids. Or she is insecure or who knows what her problem is. Even jealousy. If her kids really like you a lot and she feels she is not as close to them etc.
The reasons for your Wife's behavior and cutting you out of certain child rearing aspects... can be any reason. Unless via a Counselor, you both get to the bottom of it. Or maybe it is just a trust issue.

Or as a Step Dad, you will never ever have, full parenting ability, with them. Because, they also have a Bio Dad and the Bio Dad is the Dad. And your Wife does not see you as a 'Dad'... but a Step Parent.

Sorry to hear that things may not be going so smoothly as the girls enter their teen and preteen yrs.

You may find these articles helpful (copy each into your browser):

http://drphil.com/articles/article/310/
http://drphil.com/articles/article/243/

Good luck