Step Son Drama

A 12 year old boy goes through so many changes. It is possible that he feels a little out of place, and awkward about himself, as well as his lifestyle and home situation. He may not feel like he fits in anywhere. I would engage with him, or do something with him that is of interest to him. Show him that you value him. Their is something internal going on with him. If he used to act different and joke around with you, then their is something going on inside.

Wow, E.P. you sound just like me. I also have a weird stepson. He is 22, still lives at *home* and is still weird. Nothing like his dad, his mom or me. Odd but true...... The stepdaughter is also nothing like her dad, mom or me, and boy am I THANKFUL for that!!!

Your post makes me angry and makes me feel really sorry for this kid, but I dont want to pile on. I want to be helpful. Let me tell you how I have built a good relationship with my now 18yr old step son, so that maybe you can find some ways to connect with yours. I love my stepson, but I admit, there are things that annoy me. He has been raised by a woman that I dont respect with some values that i dont share. I would never dream of telling him or his dad this. I keep that to myself. That way he never feels the need to defend his mother. Those qualities in him, I dont respect or like, but I overlook them because he is a child and a product of his mothers greed. Once I put that issue to the side, he is a wonderful person. He is very sweet, respectful, thoughtful young man that I feel lucky to have in my life. I treat him that way. And he responds to my love, warmth, and kindness with love warmth, and kindness. I try to plan things that everyone will enjoy, like go-karts and batting cages or dinners out at Dave and Busters. I make a big huge deal out of everyones birthdays and milestones (yes, even his) and he is expected to celebrate all those with the family. I make him an Easter Basket, just like everyone else. We wait for him to have Christmas. He is not a guest, he is a member of the family. An important one! When I talk to him, I say things like, Dad will be home soon, not your dad. It's more inclusive. I also refer to his brother and sisters as brother and sisters, not step anything. When I introduce him to people, I do it proudly. I brag about him in his presence. I offer to help him and tell him to call me if he ever needs anything. I text him every couple of days and let him know what we're up to at the house or what I made for dinner in case he wants to stop by. I picture message him pictures of his brother and sister doing silly stuff to try and make him laugh. Try to get to know this kid. I can't even imagine how hard it is for him to feel so akward and unwanted. He didn't even feel he could come to yall with even something simple like athletes foot. Open your home and your heart to him and youmight find a wonderful person there and a great relationship. And you know what...dad will love you even more for it. Think how you would want a stepmom to treat your kids and try to do that.

I am a StepMom and here are my thoughts:

~Ask yourself if this was your child and they had a StepMom like you, would you be OK with that?
*You might need to try a bit more on the compassion and love end!

~Just b/c this boy is different than your kids does not mean that he doesn't need to be treated the same and acknowledged in his own home!
*Your statement that you just don't talk to him makes my stomach and my heart hurt!

~This child is a part of your husband...if you love your husband you should ABSOLUTELY love his children...all of them, not just the ones that are half yours!
*You NEED to find something to connect to this child about, even if its something small it will be a start...find out what his favorite food is and make it special and tell him so....find out what his favorite game is and play it with him...even if it is sitting on a bench people watching or starring at the clouds looking for shapes, there has got to be something that you and him can do together and connect over!!

IMHO, if you do not find a way to be kind and love this child it will absolutely be your loss! I believe we are all presented with things & people in life that we are supposed to learn and grow and be enriched by...step-children included!

As for the making excuses for his mother, that is 100% normal. No matter what a parent has done, a child will always feel a connection and the need to defend. And you have to remember that he is only 12 and still a boy. He has a child's mind and does not think about those empty promises in the same way that you do.

As for your step son's behavior, I have a feeling he is having a hard time connecting with you and your daughters due to different interests. It sounds like your stepson and your children have different personality types. It is ok for your stepson not to want to do the same things that your daughters do. Try to talk to him and find out some things that interest him. If it is to difficult for you to get through to him, try using his father to figure out what he likes. I am sure that he doesn't stare at a blank tv screen all day and not do anything else. Something must spark his interest, and when you find out what it is, you can learn a little about it yourself. He is having a hard time getting to you, so you should go to him. And it sounds to me like he isn't a big talker . . . maybe even an introvert, so even when you do find something to bond over, I wouldn't expect to much chatting! Good Luck!!!

Keep trying to be nice.

Some people are just different. They can't help it, it's just the way they're wired. And life is usually harder for them. And then some of those people turn out to be the next Bill Gates.

Please don't treat him like an unwanted guest. He's got it bad enough.

Melanie~ you need to RELAX and NOT judge.. she is asking for advice so give it kindly
Eliyah--I too have a similar situation, I have two stepsons-- one really nice outgoing boy (14)and the other boy is 9 and not friendly towards me at all.. I have tried repeatedly as well.. 1% of the time he responds and the rest he doesn't. I think eventually he may come around.. his parents have been divorced almost four years and i have been with my beau for 2 years- met post divorce. I think as he gets older, he will eventually come around - for now i just take things visit by visit.
I buy them the candies and goodies and things they like- my kids are also involved in sports and extra curricular activities and the boys aren't so it makes juggling a bit hectic.. but we take them all out.. or sometimes I just have my Luv take out the three boys and I will stay with my daughter-- maybe he is just looking for 'guy' time- he gets along with my children fine for the most part, he can be a bit rough or mean and when he is I correct him.
I think it may be jealousy since now he has to 'share' his dad with you guys and also feeling territorial for his mom and a bit of feeling like an outsider since he has different interests than your kids. Just be patient but don't ignore him... correct him when he needs it and praise him when you find out he got good grades or did something good.. there''s nothing wrong with being 'nerd'-- that equals smart and hard worker in my book! I think mostly he seems depressed and feels left out.. maybe give him a card and write your feelings with like a book as a present?? maybe he likes playing games online??
PS: have you talked to your other half about the situation?? Maybe family counseling is not a bad idea.. for your stepson and his parents and then maybe you can join afterwards??

Honestly, I think you went wrong when you started treating him differently than your own children. If one of your children were to start behaving so oddly, would you stop talking to them? All children want to be loved; they don't always realize it at the time. I have been with my husband since his son was 4. It isn't always easy. There are times when he goes out of his way to try to make me not love him but it never works. There were looooong stretches of time where he tried realllllly hard to break me. I'm still here and I would say that I have a great relationship with him. Try to rekindle the relationship you once had. See if you can see a glimmer of the old him. If he doesn't warm up, you may want to consider there is something bigger happening.

I think gentle treatment and maybe some counseling is in order. He may be going through something major that you and your husband are not aware of.

Treat him the same as one of your kids, and don't expect him to become like them. Maybe he would be interested in different things.

First of all there is no telling what his mother is telling him. Or has told him. And he is getting to the age where his hormones are kicking in and if he's nerdy he probably does not know where he fits in. And my not know how to talk to you or his dad. And for his dad not noticing him picking at his feet....That's a man thing!!!!!!! All you can do is love him! Good luck and God Bless

After reading your update - and that this is more recent behavior could be the teen angst setting in a little late? If "nerdy" he could be a late bloomer in all respects.
It may be more difficult for him, during this changing time, to relate to you.
If it were me, i'd keep at it! Keep chatting him up - no matter how one-sided or trying it is. Also, turn that TV off. force engagement with the family - create opportunities, like you did when he was younger, to be a part of something - aka the family:)
Games, dinner out, even if it is playing a video game with him to break the ice. kids do like to see that you are interested in what they are intersested in - play a few games with him, get him to "coach" you.
It can't be easy, but the more you keep try the better it can get. I remember my step mom doing her darndest through all the ups and downs of our family "drama" and i value her for her efforts and the positive end-results.

Seriously?? You call this drama? You are being far too critical of this 12 year old boy. He probably senses that you are constantly judging him, and I would imagine is quite uncomfortable. Accept him for his differences and embrace him as your step son. Sounds like you might be the one that needs counseling, to help you learn to better manage this relationship. I'm sure it's not easy, but you sound totally unattached from him. When you said "drama", I was thinking smoking, fighting, sneaking out at night, skipping school, etc... At 12 years old, be glad that your only real concern is that he is a little different or "nerdy"! Good luck to you!

E.P. I say keep working on him. Don't give up. He's asking for help and doesn't know how. Accept his differences, but treat him as you treat your kids. You may see it as not nagging him, but trust me he will see it as you didn't care the same about him because you didn't ask if he had brushed his teeth, taken a bath, etc. Kids want that, even if they don't seem to show it.

Have a pow-wow w/ your hubby about treating s-son like he's your own. Asking him to take a shower, etc., is not the same as disciplining him, it's just the daily activity of any kids under your care, even if he were, say, a foster kid. Make an effort to bond with him, based on his own interests, b/c the effort you put in will really pay off when he's going thru his difficult teen years. Consider whether he may be depressed.

I understand you completely. I am the evil stepmother in my step daughters eyes. She has chose not to come to our house anymore. She is a strange child as well and "nerdy". She just stairs at us when we try to talk to her. I know that her mother says aweful things about me and her dad. I have tried to treat her the same as I would my daughter but it is very difficult. Her actions are unacceptable. When she does these things it teachs my daughter bad choices. I talk to her and tell her that I do not accept this type of behavior. I know her home life with her mother is not good. I strongly believe she needs counseling. Sounds like your stepson does as well. Good Luck!!

he is either annoying you or something is really wrong. talk to your husband about having his tested. go to a clincial psychologist, the test is about 6-7 hours long and this will tell you everything that is happening inside his brain. i have a child that is "different" no social skills and no one thought that he is pdd, nos-pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified-high functioning autistic. good luck. if his sole purpose is to annoy you then start staring at him, ignore his beha vior, i know this is extremely hard to do. good luck. i feel for you. w