Step Mom Inspecting My Children?

As a stepmother of two small girls, I believe that this woman is taking her role a little too far. I personally do keep track of my stepchildrens schooling and other events simply because if I didnt call and find out about these things we would never know because the childrens mother doesnt tell us about anything goign on in the childrens lives and I dont want their father to miss out on anything. But, as for checking their teeth and putting soap in their mouth thats a no no. If thats not how you and their father discipline them then she shouldnt be doing that either, She isnt their mother and she needs to know her boundries. If you are sharing school information with her and the father then that should be good enough. Personally I believe she is just doing this to try to prove to you that you are out of the picture where the childrens father is concerned and she is making it known to you that she has control where that relationship is concerned. I would say ignore her for a little while, but, if she continues on especially with the discipline then confront her, but, go to her directly. Dont talk to the childrens father about this, it only puts him in the middle and thats not what he is there for. Just my opinion.

Peace & wellness,
I feel like "it takes a village to raise a child. The fact that she cares enough to inspect and talk to teachers is great. Don't allow your child to play you guys against the middle. When at their home his problem should be taken to his dad first. On day you too may have a mate and you won't want he and your exhusband at odds because he cares. Maybe you adults should sit and come to a mutual coparent agreement. But don't fight bond, this ensures total wellness for you all. I come in peace sister, and this is just my humble opinion. I was once you. I did the opposit and now my 18 year old is a mom who just aborted her second child. The crazy part is after all my years of fighting for her rights, she hates and blames me the most.

Anyone who put soap in my child's mouth would undoubtedly receive the very same treatment!!! Time to chat with Dad that your children have two parents and she isn't one of them. While she may have an active role in their care giving, she needs to respect your wishes and have some boundaries. Dad needs to be supportive of this as the table may turn one day and just how would he like it is step-dad took over and made him feel inferior. Guarantee this would not be taken lightly! Put a stop to this right now or it is just going to get worse. Also, keep a journal of EVERYTHING that your kids report for future reference should it come that. You will regret it if you don't. Good luck!

I would be grateful she isn't ignoring them or abusing them and be thankful that your children are loved enough to have multiple people who want to take care of them. This isn't about you. It's about your children and how they will eventually grow into adults and have formed opinions about divorce and parenthood. Put yourself in her position. If you were a step-mom and your step-son was at your house for the weekend, wouldn't you want to care for him while he was there? If that means inspecting his teeth before bed or putting soap in his mouth because he said an inappropriate word, wouldn't you want the "real" mom complaining about you because of that more than her complaining that you ignored the child and didn't speak to him the whole weekend? Seriously. If you are a good mom, your kids will see that. They will also see your insecurities if you constantly worry about her "over-momming" you. The best way to get over on someone if you think they are doing something on purpose to hurt you, is to acknowledge it and tell them how grateful you are that she is taking as much investment into your children as you are and how important it is to you, for your children to grow emotionally healthy through all this grown-up drama that isn't their fault.

**Can I just say...after I wrote this, I scrolled through everyone else's comments and for the most part I think most of you are completely off base. First of all, get over the whole SOAP thing. It's soap, people. It's not rat poison. Some of you talked about going back to court, being upset at the dad, and it being wrong for the step-mom to have contact with the kids' school. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Illegal for this woman to be involved in the upbringing of children belonging to people that didn't set a good example in the first place? Unbelievable for women to give another woman the advice you gave her. You want her to set boundaries on how much love she can show those children. If she would have written a post stating the step-mom was locking them in closets, not cooking them dinner, calling them ugly names, THEN give her the advice you did. Don't keep the vicious circle going by encouraging her to keep broken bridges instead of working together.
M., I'm sorry if I made you mad. I don't know you and don't have anger issues. But what I do have is a huge desire to retrain our children from being raised thinking everyone divorces. Right now, your children AND my children have a much higher probability of divorcing when they are adults because they are growing up in a divorced home. If you can turn this situation into the most positive experience you can, (I realize you can only control yourself) and show your kids that divorce can be positive, then and only then, do you have a shot at them growing up to be secure adults who choose their mates wisely.

I think every divorced/custody issue is a little different and I can't possibly know the ins and outs of yours by your post. I do feel like there is information missing to properly respond. Why did she e-mail the teachers? Why did she put soap in the children's mouth?
I am a step mom to two boys (now 13 & 17) and I have been for 7 years and have been in their lives for 11. My husband has custody, so they live with us which sounds a little different than your situation, but I do ALL of the correspondence with teachers and dealing with doctors/dentists and so forth. Disciplining is done by both my husband and myself. As far as her putting soap in the child's mouth, of course they're not going to like that, woud you? But was it deserved? I've put soap in my own children's mouths. (5 & 6)
The sad truth about these situations is that unfortunately your husband has chosen to marry someone and he obviously loves and trusts her and she will be a part of your children's life. It is her job as her role as stepmom to do what's best for the children when they are with her and their father. I don't know her, and I sincerely hope that is what she's doing. The boys go to their mom's house (in another state) for about a month in the summer time. While they are there, UNFORTUNATELY they get to live by her rules, which are slim to none. But we do not interfere. Her new husband is a great guy and does most of the "disciplining" when they are with them.
Like I said, everyone's situation is different and it's natural to have ill feelings toward the ex and of course for the OTHER woman taking care of YOUR children. Hopefully her intentions are good and she truly is just trying to do the best where your children are concerned.
I do disagree with one of the posts that said DO NOT talk to your ex-husband about this. I think it might be a good idea to share with him what you're feeling and see if he can shed some light on what's going on.

I do wish you the best and I hope things can get to a place where you feel comfortable with the way things go when the children are not in your care.

Hmmm..sounds like there needs to be a little more information to give a good response.

I have never been in your situation, but since you commented that you believe she thinks she is superior to you, I gather you feel she is going these things because she is trying to be a better 'parent' than you. I can only imagine that is extremely annoying, however, I really have to ask what the harm is. Let's say she thinks you don't brush the kids teeth enough. Is it really going to hurt if she finds a cavity? Sure, she'll feel superior, but in the end, won't it be your kids who benefit?

You didn't say she was mean or abusive to the kids (I don't feel there is enough information to comment about the soap issue). In the end, if you are the bigger person, I think your kids will recognize that.

I would just remind her that even though you are grateful that she is trying to take care of your children, that you and their father will make sure inspections for cavities and emails to teachers are taken care of. I feel she is over stepping her boundaries. It probably has something to do with her not liking you or some issues close to that but if the boy is crying because he feels violated by her then she should stop. The decree mentioned nothing about her. It is up to you and him to care for them. She needs to step back and realize that. Im not saying start a fight, maybe an adult conversation between the three of you would be possible.

i dont see a problem with email the teachers but putting your hands in his mouth thats kind of odd. is she a dentist if not tell her to keep her hands out of his mouth yuck!

Your question is to vague to give a good response. But no one should be putting soap in a childs mouth only because there are harsh chemicals & a child could have a severe reaction, however children need discipline and I have been supportive to my ex's wife when she has disciplined my dghtr. The only thing I dont agree with is her calling the childrens teachers. I do believe step parents have a place & she is overstepping, but if you are not giving your ex report cards or telling him conference times then I could understand her calling, I doubt this is whats happening but this is just an example of why I would understand her calling. So here is how I have handled my ex's wife. I accepted her for who she is but had a sit down chat with her to let her know my expectations. I knew my ex would pass the ball to her because he is a man & doesnt want to handle anything himself. So I accepted the fact that I would have to go to her if I needed anything for my dghtr (medical reimbursement, take her to an appt, pymnt for sports etc) & she then would discuss it with him & get back to me. She did overstep her boundaries plenty of times but sometimes it was because my dghtr knew how to play both sides, kids do this and not even realize it, kids try to get away with things & when the parents are split up its much easier. I also had sitdown discussions with just me, my dhgtr & the step mom to let my dghtr know that I support the stepmom to discipline her when it is necessary. Believe me it was a rollercoaster ride for several yrs with my ex & his wife but we made it thru & are happy its over as my dghtr is now 19. As for the teeth I say pick your battles its really not a big deal its irritating, but if your kids were coming home filthy & said they didnt shower or brush their teeth while over there then you would be complaining about that. One thing I wish I had learned early on is that my ex & his wife liked to irritate me so the less I complained the less they intentionally tried to pushed my buttons. Best of luck

I am a stepmom.....I have spoken to my husband's child's school, but there are extenuating circumstances........the child has a variety of special needs and I worked in that field. However, if this was a "typical" child in a "typical" divorce/remarriage relationship, than the stepparent should have NO business contacting the school. You say both PARENTS have access to that information, but the stepmother shouldn't have that right. Unless she also has custody as outlined in an order(which I have), she shouldn't contact the school/medical providers without your explicit consent. I would speak to the school and PUT IT IN WRITING that while the child's father can request information, his wife CANNOT. Good luck

PS: Schools are NOT covered by HIPPA

WAIT...does the step mom have joint custody, or the father? If it's the father, what she is doing is technically illegal. So because she is the step mom, she has rights? I am confused as this stuff is new to me. But unless something has been signed by a judge stating that she has a right to school info, then you are really stuck. If not, then like I said she is violation the HIPPA act. I would talk to your lawyer, social worker, whomever helps you out with the custody and let them know about the soap in the mouth...this is poison. I know some people are going to criticize me for that, but there are so many chemicals and unlisted ingredients that you don't even know about. I would personally tell her to piss off...sorry, but if some chick stuck soap in my kids mouth, it would be war. You have to remember hon...you are your kids voice, until they are adults they have no voice. Tell what is going on and let yourself feel better about it all. Good Luck hon! Let us know what happens

I don't really have any advice here regarding the stepmom. I just wanted to take a moment and say that putting soap in a child's mouth can be very harmful. Soap can be toxic and can poison a child. Just a little FYI for some of the moms out there who seem to think it's OK to put poison in a child's mouth. I know you're not one of them but I would certainly address the issue of her putting soap in your child's mouth. I would hate for you to have to take your child to the hospital for poisoning. Good luck. Sounds like you are in a difficult situation. All I can say, is trust your mommy instints. Good luck and God bless.

I would gently remind her that she is not their Mom and ask her to stay out of what goes on with them at school and let her know how uncomfortable your children and you are with what she is doing also talk to their Dad. I would also tell the teachers that the only people they are to talk with are you and their Dad. But I am also a very vocal person when something bothers me or I feel my children are uncomfortable or someone is making my children upset. Just my thoughts, I hope you get things worked out and good luck!!

Sounds as if you may need to go back to court. However, what you tell, doesn't sound like she is abusing. Is she loving? Is she fun? Do the children like her? Be honest. How much time do they get the children. If you are co-parenting, she is doing what you would be doing for your husband. Maybe you could sit down together and woek something out, that would be best for the children. My mother did the bar of soap to me at age 5,never did it again, it worked. It tasted terrible, but did not hurt. I am 64.