Step Momma drama-PLEASE HELP

Edited to add. I reread your last sentence. You and his Dad divorced. You can only be onvolved in your son's life when he's at his Dad if his Dad wants you involved. I think you are divorced because the two of you didn't get along. Why would it be different now? Because you are not involved in your ex's life (you are divorced) you cannot be involved with your son during his time with his Dad. That is what divorce means. You and his Dad have 2 separate homes and live two separate lives. His Dad's time is his Dad's time. Your time is your time. That is what divorce means.

I strongly suggest your negative attitude and continously criticizing his father and his home there is a large part of his not wanting to go to his Dad. I urge you to accept this arrangement and do what you can to support his time with his Dad. As it stands now you are putting your need to be involved with your son when he is at his Dad's. You are acting in a way that pits him against his Dad and that side of the family.

Does his Dad call his son when he is with you? I would block your number too if you called even tho I had asked you not too. Co- parenting means that you and your ex negotiate a plan that works for both of you while focusing on what is best for your son. I urge you to learn about a child's needs. I urge you to put aside your criticism and work with what is. Get counseling for both you and your son. This anger, on both sides, is traumatic for your son. Perhaps you and his father could work with a mediator so that you can come to an agreement.

Most of all accept that you cannot control what happens at his Dad's house. Know that you've put your son in the middle when you argue with his Dad. If you've ever been in the middle in a situation where you want to please both sides,;you'll understand your son's difficulty. He may be telling his Dad he wants his time with Dad while telling you he doesn't want to go. The only way you can give your son have a sense of security is to make nice with his Dad. Be willing to negotiate. Work together to make plans for your son. Stop insisting that his Dad do things your way. Listen without criticism. Get along with everyone in your son's life. A child needs love and time with both parents. Helping your son get along in this arrangement should be your first priority. You cannot change the plan now. The judge ordered it to remain. So stop fighting. Learn how to get along with your ex and his wife. Bring love into your life and that of your son.

BTW It takes two to have drama. This is also your drama.

so wait........you're complaining because your ex has a job?
?
this is joint custody. society demanded it, and we got it.
i suggest you put all this manic dramatic energy into making it work instead of fighting it. this must be pure hell for a 7 year old, and not just at his dad's.
:( khairete
S.

IMHO, the problem isn't necessarily dad, it's the custody arrangement. Think of how you would feel if you had to literally move every 7 days. No continuity in life whatsoever! You and dad created this horrible situation for your son because it's what made YOU happy, not because it was in the best interests of your son. Now YOU have to deal with it. There is no reason for you to be calling them unless there is some sort of an emergency. The fact that you keep trying and they are blocking your number, etc., is adding stress to your son because he has to hear about it!

If the court has already said no change in custody, then you need to learn how to live within those arrangements. Your son's relationship with his extended family on dad's side is important and there is nothing wrong with them pitching in to help when he's with his dad. Remember, it takes a village and they are his village!

All in all, I don't see where dad is doing anything wrong. I think the problem is all yours and you are making it your son's problem. Back up and let him have a life with his father that you don't interrupt or try to micro-manage.

what is the arrangement with Dad's access when your son is with you? Meaning, does he call? Does he see him? Does he pick him up? I'm trying to figure out in my head if I had done that kind of custody what I would be OK with in terms of the other parent's contact during "my week".

Part of the problem is you are viewing it as "your week" and "his week" instead of *your son's life*.

Swing shift is basically working from 3-midnight. So, of course he isn't ever home if he's working. Does he get up and have breakfast with his son in the mornings though?

Essentially you don't have say in who watches your son when his dad is at work unless they are criminal, abusive or otherwise unfit. A judge will tell you that it's GOOD for him to be building relationships with extended family - especially his step-mom, who is the mother of his 2 half-siblings, by the way. You can ask for a "First right of refusal" if Dad is going to have non-family watch him - that would essentially mean that if Dad hires a babysitter, he would have to offer you the chance to watch your son during that time.... but that doesn't apply to family (even step-family).

Also - my ex and I fought about extra-curricular activities and this is something that the court sided with HIM on..... saying that time with Dad was more important than soccer or girl scouts. So, I'm not sure you have a leg to stand on if you guys can't agree.

7 is a tough age. Good night calls can be traumatic for the kid, because they are tired. So, maybe see if you can have a SET call schedule on Tues/Thurs at a time that works for them?

In my opinion you and your son need counseling - invite dad to come as well to figure out how to make this manageable for the next 11 years.

This is the thing I have said over and over and over and over.

Joint custody might make mom and dad think they both go equal and the same and they didn't let the other have an inch beyond what they had to but it is absolutely the most horrible horrible horrible thing for a child.

DO NOT DO THIS!

You child has no home, they can't make plans, they can'd play sports or be in after school activities, they can't plan on going to boy scout camp or anything.

Why? Because the moment they go to the other parents house they are not allowed to do anything that parent doesn't want them to do. If they want to say no to soccer on their Saturday simply because they don't want to get dressed they don't have to, they simply say it's my weekend and I don't want you to go. SO kiddo doesn't get to go.

Mom can't pick a child care center because dad doesn't like the looks of it, he says let my wife do it because she doesn't work but mom doesn't want to see the new wife every day on every other week so mom has to try something else. But it comes down to 2 adults who act like children and they don't put their kids first.

Research the laws in your state and see if you can find it in writing what the age is for a child to go in front of the judge to request they visit or don't visit dad/mom for visitation.

Everyone thinks they know but there's always an exception and if it's in writing you know what's what.

Everyone says Oklahoma law states age 12 is when a child can go before a judge to ask the judge to consider what they want and to let them live with the parent of their choice.

Well, my niece went in front of the judge at age 8 and he listened to her. She didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness. She wanted to go to the Baptist church with all her friends so she told the judge she wanted to live with her dad. The judge gave dad full custody with my sister paying child support and having liberal visitation.

I have people say their attorney said this or that and they all say it differently. If they really knew anything don't you think they'd all say the same thing?

SO please do some research and see if you can find something written down that states a child that has reached the age of XXXX can legally have a say in where they live and with who.

Then you can give that information to your child so he knows he has something to look forward do.

Joint custody is horrible for the kids and is not good for them.

I'd make sure to keep a journal of all the things that happen with the step mom, especially if she's leaving him alone or some other thing that's not good for him.

You need to let your ex care for your son for his week and back off. It is perfectly ok for your ex to have a job. If he didn't how would he support his son 1/2 the time? It is fine he has extended family caring for him while he is at work. No more your business than your childcare arrangements on your week are your ex's business.

ETA: Joint custody is NOT horrible for kids. Having two parents is best. Having mom have custody is only better for mom - certainly not for dad who is relegated to visitor in a child's life and NOT for the child, who grows up having no idea what a father is or does. A child who has a full time dad will almost certainly have a better role model to use when he is a father than one who had a dad just do the fun stuff on weekends.

Do you think you having a job should mean you no longer get time with you son? Sounds crazy right? It sounds the same way when you say it about his father. His father has a right to his time, and during his time when he has to work he has the right to choose who looks after the child, and his mother or wife seem like the normal choice. She is a second mother to the child, whether you like it or not. You need to back off and respect their time. And no, she should not just focus on her bio kids, that would be unfair and cruel to her step child.

I agree with the others. You need to back off and let your son and his dad have their own time together. Dad's house is a time for Dad's rules and yes, things will be different. You need to stop trying to have control. Dad and his wife are also your son's parents. They will be an important part of his life and it is important for him to have a positive relationship with his stepmom, his step-relatives, his step-siblings. In a healthy blended family she will think of your son as her son also...and he will be enfolded into his other family. In a perfect world he will think of her as his other mom and have a good relationship with her and with his dad his whole life. There is no reason for you to be calling often. It sounds like they feel like you harass them and do not trust them. You need to let go! Your son having two families is something that takes a LOT of work for you parents. You need to work together and cooperate his whole life. Your son needs you to do this. He needs to feel like you trust his dad...that you think his dad is a good person. You send him the message that half of him is bad if you do otherwise...bc he is half you and half his dad. It's very harmful for him if you get so stressed, angry, worried, anxious, mad at his Dad etc. This is going to be many many years of a work in progress and it sounds like you and his Dad have a lot of work to do to get to a place where you can trust each other and work together for the good of your son. Good luck.

You must live in close proximity to each other to share a 7on/7 off child custody arrangement. You are giving us one side of the story - I wonder what the other side of the story is... . It sounds like you have caused some of the problems too (they are blocking your phone/you have taken them to court/the court found no reason to modify custody.) You parents made a decision to divorce and BOTH put your son in the middle of this strained relationship that will last until he is 18. You state that Dad refuses to let you be a part of your son's life during his week of custody. Perhaps you can get son a cell phone to contact you once or twice a week while he is at his Dad's house. Right now I would focus on trying to help my son. If he is not getting his homework done during Dad's week, I would discuss that with the teacher and let the teacher have a parent teacher meeting with them to discuss the problem of son not having homework done while son is with them. I would sign him up for some sports that he could do during the weeks he is with you. At 7, he should be able to join a YMCA team or class and not be too penalized for missing every other week. (By too penalized I mean, not getting as much skill building or playing time vs the other kids.) Perhaps if Son talks about how much he enjoys "soccer" - maybe Dad or SM will find the time to take him during their week. There are many dads that work very hard and work many hours during the week and don't spend too much time with their kids even when they are living with them. Could you have lunch with him one day during the week at school? Good luck!

Does dad call when he's at your house?
Is he 100% familiar with YOauR child care arrangements?
I'd try leading by example.
Poor kid--that must be rough on him.
Make sure to keep your feelings about this to yourself.
Kids see/hear/feel everything, you know.

Hi,

You have a lot of emotion going on, and I'm trying to read through that to see what you could really do to make the situation better.

I know the week on/week off is a popular custody schedule, but it sounds pretty hard to go that full week. I know that there are arrangements where the child spends one evening mid-week with the other parent - I'm wondering if you couldn't agree once every year or so to revisit this - and see how the schedule is working for everyone.

I think you have to watch boundaries here - you can't be involved the weeks he's at his dad's. That's your ex's time with him, and you don't have say in that. I think you need to just accept that. Dragging out these issues is not going to help the situation. And it's not good for your son.

I have friends who do the 2 days on/2 days off schedule and don't run into these problems. So if it's possible to schedule a mid-week evening visit, that's the route I probably would go. That would mean you could catch up then, help him with homework then, etc. And not have to be involved with your ex. They might be open to that (as long as you do the same for them during you week). It might simplify things.

Good luck :)

Why did you change your name?

****************************************************************************
That is a difficult arrangement for an adult, much less a child. Moving from house to house every 7 days.. Gees.

I don't know background and details but I would think as bio mom you should have access to tell him goodnight, I love you or whatever whenever you want to since you are sharing custody.

I'd consider having a phone for the child specifically for you and he to be in contact whenever you want to. I know he probably does want to hear from you when he is over there for 7 days.

In the meantime, any way to change that custody setup? Sounds like it is tormenting to everyone.

I also know that we are hearing one side of this story. Why did they block your number?

Best wishes.

I do agree that you need to let go more and stop calling at all when son is with his dad.

But there is one red flag to me. if dad and stepmom truly will not ensure that your son is doing his homework on weeks son is with them, I would think that is a very real reason for some changes. Hasn't his teacher or the school counselor been in touch with you or with dad to say that your son is in academic trouble because he doesn't do assignments? Or is he doing them on his own the best he can? (If so, praise him a lot for that, no matter what the grades turn out to be!)

If your son is actually turning up at school on dad's weeks with nothing at all done, and if that means that when you have your son, you aren't aware of things that were assigned during dad's week because dad does not communicate with you about school -- that is going to be a big, big problem very soon. Does dad have the attitude that "It's the kid's homework and he can do it or not, and take the consequences at school, and it's not my job to oversee homework"? That might not hurt a first- or second-grader much but it will soon begin to show up when your son can't understand things in school because 50 percent of the time, he is not following up with the homework and adult supervision that are needed. Eventually, homework advances what the kids learn and they need to do it to understand what happens in class. That's not the case yet at seven but it will be soon.

And kids need to "learn how to learn" -- abandoning a kid to "Get your homework done or not, whatever" creates a kid who doesn't know how to set priorities because the adults didn't model it for him. Kids of seven don't have a clue what to do if dad or mom says "Go do your homework." If he's not guided now (and guidance never means doing it for him, but knowing what he has been assigned and helping him figure out what to do first, etc.), he will not have study stills in place by middle school and that is too late.

Do you ensure that you know what son's homework is when he's with you? Do you have relationships with his teachers so they know you? Do you keep up with his progress between report cards? Do you sit near him as he works, not to do it for him, but to help him feel motivated and to answer questions when he feels overwhelmed? If so -- good for you. If not -- start doing that.

I would ask to talk to his teacher(s) and get an in-depth review of how he's doing overall. He should not have a ton of homework at his age, but what he does have should be taken seriously and done promptly no matter where he is on any given week. Do not, not, not go into a discussion with a teacher and start bashing your ex or his wife -- that will make the teachers stop taking you seriously and dismiss you as an over-emotional mom out to hurt her ex, not help her son. Just say that your son is with you only every other week, and you want to ensure that things are consistent with his schoolwork. Possibly a very understanding teacher will e-mail you each week with the assignments so when you get your son back after a week at dad's you can check what has been done....

Does the ex take your son to any school events? That's not essential but if it keeps happening over the years, your son will eventually realize dad's weeks are ones where he misses out on a LOT. He will not progress in school, won't progress in any sport or other activity he tries, will miss Boy Scout meetings he wants to attend, whatever.

Unfortunately, my friend could not force her ex to take their son to anything, and dad would not "because it's MY time with him," but once son was old enough to say, "Dad, I need to get to my game this Saturday on your weekend" and "Dad, I need to be at school one night for this event" -- then dad started doing those things. When the son was younger dad mostly kept son to himself to show mom that dad didn't have to do a darned thing that "MOM wanted him to do." The son had to get old enough to assert himself and say HE wanted to do X or Y before dad would take him to do stuff. Frankly you may have to wait it out for your son to be old enough to tell dad, "I want to do X" before dad finally gets involved that way.

Please see a counselor and please get one for your son too. If he is hating dad's house your son might benefit from talking to a counselor who works with kids whose parents are divorced.

One last thing. Your son will pick up on your anger even if you never say a word to him or never once badmouth dad or the stepmom. Kids are very good at picking up on adult emotions. He knows, on some level, how much you hate stepmom and resent dad. You totally have a right to your emotions for yourself, but please get counseling ASAP to find ways to protect your son from your emotions. He will continue to fight going to dad's as long as he knows you are seething with anger (however justified that anger might be) every time he leaves. Don't ever let him see your upset or anger in the name of "being honest with him about how awful his dad and stepmom are" or anything like that. He is not old enough to process that kind of "honesty." Get a counselor to help with techniques for calming yourself and stepping way back from contact when your son is with dad.

..first thing to do is document everything. yes, you share custody, but you should be able to get in touch with the kid while the kid is with the father in case there is an emergency. if he is dumping the kid at a friends house and refusing to tell you where, or even give you a phone number, he is purposely stressing you. how old is the kid? is he old enough to ask a judge to modify the custody arrangement himself?have you done a background check on this step mother, to make certain she is even competent, and what about the friends and neighbours that watch the kid when the father isnt around?? you find even one person that your kid is left with,whos background isnt pristine, and you have a case for having custody mollified.get going. K. h.

Try a different lawyer. Maybe you need a bigger set of guns!

The bottom line issue is not the stepmother. It's your ex who is abdicating the responsibilities for his son and passing him around to whomever.

I'm sorry your son isn't getting the dad he deserves and needs, but unless you can get a change in the court order, keeping your son from his father's house is going to bite you more. I think you are focused on her because you can't change him.

Look up parallel parenting and consider things like providing your son a pay as you go phone for him to only call you. If your CO states that you get x time per week to speak to him and they do not comply, then document it and add it to to the list when you and he next meet in court. What prompted them to block you?

Your ex cannot ban you from attending sporting events, school events, etc. So you should ask the teachers and coaches for your own copies of information. However, when you do attend with him/them, make it all about your son and don't allow drama. Things like arguments about time or phones should not be addressed with an audience. If he starts to bring it up, tell him you will discuss it another time.

Your ex is allowed to choose a caregiver during his time. If you push hard on the SM, then you also open yourself up to being scrutinized when you allow your son a sleepover or a visit to Grandma or time with your own spouse without you.

Try to keep the long view and remember that while she is annoying you, she cannot do what he doesn't allow. Trust me. If I tried that, my DH would not tolerate it. So it's not just about her. If she left once, she will probably leave again. Maybe it won't be long before she is no longer someone you need to be concerned about. My sks took care of contacting their mother after they were 9 or so. Granted, we provided a landline, but once they got their own phones (her choice), then they called her when they wanted to talk, and now they use FB and email. FWIW, we did not get nightly calls from their mother. Every couple of days, perhaps, with a EOWE custody schedule.

ETA: I do agree that if the father is simply choosing family to watch the boy while he works, you have no leg to stand on. He can use family for childcare while he works. Do you have childcare? What is your family setup like? How involved is your ex in your time with your son? Re non-school activities, we did what we could on our time with our money, so it wasn't their mom's problem. Please do no make your beef with his dad your son's problem. I know stepmothers who are trying to do their very best while their stepkids build shrines for their mothers every time they visit. My own SD used to come back in hysterics because of the mind-games her mother played. I really hope you are not doing that to your son.

Im going through the same thing my daughter's daddy gets her and throws her around to his mama sister wife while hes out of town working and when he has her I cant talk to her but as the court order says I cant bother him are my child while he has her during the summer he has her for almost 3 months its hard to not talk to my daughter for 3 months I cant see talk tell her good night r good morning but as soon as she is 12 if she don't wont to go to her dads then I will not let him get her and tell him to take me back to court.. In the courts if a child is 12 r older they can decide if they want to go r not r live with who they want she's 5 I got a long way of heart breaks and crying but as human nature we all get through it. so keep your head up one day he will slip up if you call him and he blocks your number r he wont give you his number you got him right there bc he cant keep you from knowing if hes hurt r missed school r anything if you put him and sports you have to do it your self and he has to apply to the rule if he keeps him from doing homework sports once you put him in it you can take him to court for neglecting im not sure how to spell it but a childs education and actives the courts says you can not interfere with a childs education and actives it's the law but the trick is get proof from school teachers like when his dad has him and he goes to school with no homework and when your son is with you then you have his homework done but let the teachers know that is your week and let them know when his father has him all you need is the school to back you up with edvance. good luck and keep your head up.