Step Daughter? - Springfield,IL

It sounds like she's telling you exactly what she needs -- space to adjust.

The kindest gift you can give to a shy person is to act like it's perfectly normal and respectable to be shy. Which it is.

Was she always shy?
My daughter is and I was worried at first (she's 5 though) and then I had a lightbulb moment that went like this
"oh Jen stop being a dummy=) she;s not you, perhaps shes content with being on her own"
so I asked her "Emmy, I know you play alone a lot at camp do you enjoy that or do you wish you were playing with the other kids?" and she told M. "oh mommy I like coloring and making comic books a lot and when I want to play with the kids I do"
hmmmm wish I wouldve J. asked in the first place without the stressing

Perhaps her dad can ask her a simple question=)

I am 44 and last year my mom died and dad got remarried. I can assure you even at my age the trying gets very annoying very quick. Let her come to you, she will on her own time.

Well... not first hand knowledge, but I know a few blended families and they have said that individual and family counseling has helped them a lot.

Good luck!

All three of my kids were very shy when they were young.

Two of them *broke* out of this when they were about 15-16 and are now very out-going, but my middle child remains extremely insular and introverted. At first I was worried about her also, especially through out her high school years, but in her case, at least, she's just very happy within herself.

She is 23 now and she'd rather spend time alone than with others and I respect that. We have a great relationship as long as I don't push her to be more like her brother or sister, which would be silly - She's *not* them! She does have a couple very strong long distance friendships with people that understand her and for right now that looks like all she needs.

I wouldn't worry too much, as long as your SD doesn't seem/act depressed or overly emotional. Different people need different amounts of personal space. In my opinion, for what it's worth.

:)

Maybe she's just an introvert. Introverts recharge by being quiet and it's not really that they're shy so much as reserved. I used to read, read, read in HS and would even navigate the hallway reading. I think that any problems (if she has them) in school is something her dad should talk to her about, but she might prefer to just hang out by herself and take that down time. You dropped her into the middle of HS in a new school - that's really tough. Try to think of it is going to a new office where you know the job, but everyone else has a team set up already and it's hard to join in. Or maybe you're an extrovert and would dive right in, but for an introvert, that's difficult. I started middle school in a new state after everyone had been in the school for a year. It was tough. It took an entire year to find people to sit with because everyone, even the friendly ones, had their own table full already.

As for doing things with you, I'd offer and if she doesn't want to come along, then don't worry about it. I'd also think, "Is this something MY daughter would like to do or something my stepdaughter would like to do?" In other words, is the invite for something she's not really interested in, even if your daughter is? You might get a different response if you offer to go to a bookstore vs get her nails done. FWIW, I don't do a lot of one on one stuff with my stepkids, but it doesn't mean we don't get along.

At 16, I'd be happy that she doesn't give you attitude. She's had a big move - for you - and your household could be very different. Give her time. Maybe next year she'll join a club or something (good for the college resume to have a hobby), but she still might prefer her down time.

I would say since she is not giving you outright attitude, then there isn't anything wrong between you. I would say she's probably adjusting to everything - the marriage, the new school, the teen years. Give her her space and keep inviting her along on outings with you, accepting her no replies with nary a ruffled feather. It took me years to become really comfortable with my second mom and I'm glad she gave me the space and time to get to a good point with her. Now we have a solid relationship and she is truly a second mother to me.

As for the shyness - does it bother her or only the two of you? Your husband/her father needs to tackle the actual conversation. I think outright asking is the best. If he does so tactfully, he can figure out whether she wants more or less company. I ate in a favorite teacher's supply closet for all of high school. She let me read her books and just be content by myself. Not everyone needs company and lots of teens are naturally internally driven due to all that is going on. Good luck.

I wouldn't push her that may just make it worse. I am sure this is a big adjustment for her. Keep inviting her to go with you and do different things but don’t be upset if she says no and don't be pushy. Maybe get her into some kind of counseling and give her time to adjust.

It's great that you care so much about your stepdaughter.

Try to find out what her interests are and get her involved in some kind of group or activity. Theater is often good, surprisingly, for shy kids.

Keep giving her lots of love and attention, but also, remember that some people are simply less social than others. Try to find out if this bothers her, and work from there.

Encourage her(Or better yet have dad encourage her) to join a club, team or after school activity. I'm sure the school has everything from Spanish/German club, drama, math, science, astromomy, sports, service clubs, etc etc. She would chose something she is interested in and meet peers with similar interests.

It would help to know what her behavior was like before she moved. Has she always been shy or was she outgoing and involved at her old school?

How much have you integrated her into your lives and home? Did you allow her to decide how to decorate her room? Does she have a space where if she wanted to invite friends home, to hang out and spend time with friends? Maybe take her shopping to pick out paint, curtains, throw rugs ect for her room. Let her have it even if the colors or prints seem outrageous to you.

Have you discussed college and what she wants to do as an adult? Maybe finding out her interests will help you to guide her to some activities at school.

Have you talked to a guidence counselor at school? Maybe he/she knows of a student who can befriend her, eat lunch with her and maybe do homework together.

Have you tried a girls day out? Getting makeovers, shopping for clothes, go to someplace like Barnes and Nobles and looking at books and stopping for coffee and a snack. By going to the bookstore you will again have the chance to observe her interests.

I think the main thing here is that she needs to feel welcome in your life. You have told her you love her but does she feel like she's in the way of the romance between her dad and you. Or like many teens she may be embarassed by your romance, snuggling, the idea of sex between you. She may feel as though she is marking time till she can move out and go to college, get her own place, move back 'home', or go look for her Mom or Mom's family.

Open communication is key. See if she will talk to her dad about being so incredibly singular. She may be shy or perhaps this could just be something else. She may be introverted but it may be something else. You won't know what it is if no one talks to her.

Establishing relationship takes time and patience. You don't know how she is processing her dad dating, getting married, and having to move and live separate from what was once familiar to her.

Be loving towards her, supportive of her, respectful too but also have balance enough to let her know where the boundaries are and help her come into her own sense of self and independence.

She does need to be involved in some kind of group of her choice that interests her.

I'm an introvert and loved to read but was also a part of a few clubs at school, a dance troop outside of school, and had different groups of assorted friends but still managed to get my alone time often and frequently.

The lines of communication must be open between her and her father instead of her and you. You just need to continue to study her and meet her at her need. Even when she may need her space. Just let her know you are avaialble. She may call on you in her hour of need but it takes time to establish a relationship.

How long did you know her dad before marriage? How long have you been married? "Mom out of the picture"....where is she? Does the girl have any physical problems?

I suggest that you all have meals together (at least dinner)....talk about the day. Go on a family outing once a week, lunch, church, amusement park, picnic, etc.

Lots of kids/teens are shy and quiet. The girl may see you as someone who is taking away some attention from her father. Her mom may be out of the picture, but a kid whose parent(s) abandon them has a lot of pain and questions to deal with.

You seem like a good mother and wife and I'll bet she will come around, just ease into it.

Blessings......

You're so so nice to care!! How wonderful that you took the time to ask her about school and then to send all the moms your question? I agree with many of the other posts-get her involved in some club, activity, church group, if she is interested. It may take awhile to find her niche, and she might need some alone time before she finds where she belongs. Maybe, as someone else suggested, you could arrange a visit to her old neighborhood. Best of luck!

I too have a bleneded family and my DH kiddos live with us. Our oldest is 17 and she is a very shy wallflower type. We moved two years ago into a neighboring school district and she was the same way. Very shy, would just sit by herself or go outside at lunch etc. She decided that she would like to get into the FFA (Future Farmers of America...we live in rural town USA :) and she has really excelled. She jumped in whole heartedly after a few months and is a totally different kid. She went to the national conference with school and went to a leadership convention in Washington DC. It has been a great year and she has come leaps and bounds so my advice is to try and find something that she would like, sports, music groups, theatre and try to get her involved and support just like you are.
Good Luck!

Have you taken a trip back to see her friends at her old school/house since her move?

I don't have advice, just good for you for caring, and be kind and respectful and helpful. Try and be in tune as to what her interests are and do what you can to encourage her, and sign her up for something extra curricular if it is of her choosing. This might help her make friends who have similar interests to hers.