Step-Parenting Issues

I cannot think of a better response than the one already given, I just wanted to say. "I second that"

Hi: this is a tough situation for you and I can feel for you. Though I have yet to be in this situation-I have watch my brother go through this very same situation.As well as my experiences as a middle/HS teacher, teens are challenging group of people to deal with. SO it is most often despite however they are---good or less willing to listen to authority-they want to listen to either parents. This phase they are encourage by peers, and their surroundings to want to stand up and make decisions and mature. Problem is getting to that point. They may not alway understand when and where they need to make a point. This is where as "parents"-lets skip the whole (step) issue need to help guide them along the way. Now- as per your daughter making the decision not to respect him for whatever happened within the last couple of years or so is well understandable but not her choice to make.
You have been with your husband now 8 years (this is where the difference lies) he has been there despite all that has gone on. The fact that she says he's not her father-well that's just rebellion. True as it may be but---she's been living with him all this time under his care. Now, if he had just come into the picture within the last couple of years then that's a different story- I could side with her, BUT, a marriage of 8 years needs a definate reawaking with her. You made the choice together as husband and wife to make this work and since she is still a "child" teen she also needs to accept your decision as well. Now if these feelings continue until adult hood (18 years of age) then that is her choice. But I doubt that'll be. You siding with him was "excellent". and she may be upset, but again- as mom and dad you both made a decision to stick with and she has to learn to deal. Life as a teen isn't peaches and cream, it's all part of childhood and letting go.
Now as per your husband---and father-he is going to need to also understand these changes.Ever notice how many times you ask him to do something-is it more than 3, 4 times? On average-it's 80% of the time. Telling your child to do something more than once is not something that will change despite their age. When they are young-it's more forgetfulness, when they are preteen, it's more like they don't feel like it, when they are teens, they just don't want to be told at all.The cycle doesn't change even in adult hood.OF course you may be one of the lucky ones who doesn't have to deal with that issue.However, Do not go back on your words to her. This is a time of reaffirmation of respect despite whatever happened b/w you and him. AGAIN is it understandable-indeed it is, BUT as parents, ultimately you made the choices together.
I really suggest counseling with all of you. It's not a bad thing, but in many many cases, it really helps in this kind of situation. There are various places that offer their services that are available via insurance benefits or state affiliated services that are free of charge. Most times dealing with teens-a third voice is the fastest way to getting them to understand without so much the drama. I wish you the best in your challenging situation.
And just think when its her turn, she'll understand, of course that may be a few, few years.;-)!!

Mom of 4.

The 1st woman's words are very applicable & I feel she hit many nails right on. I think what's missing are your feelings to & for each...for no one's ears but your own.

Blended families have their own unique issues & who parents which children are probably the biggest....as in your daughter's words of, "you're not my father". In her mind, clearly he has no rights to "tell" her anything. That needs to be addressed, on both sides. I'm single, and if any man comes into my life & says or does ANY thing with my children aside from support me & my words or simply listen, it's an issue. I AM their mom. My ex has a live-in & my children have come to me with these very same things...in their eyes, she has NO authority & what irritates the kids is that their dad allows it. What that translates to my children is lack of respect for their dad....not good for ANY one. If our children really do come first & if no one can come between a mother & child, what's lived HAS to reiterate that. With that in mind, the same holds true with our adult relationships. I've told my children that it's ok for them not to like or agree with whomever may be next to me, that they're entitled to their opinions, but just like I do with their friends, they cannot dictate to me who it is I spend my time with. I should add that my daughter has noted things about 2 men in my life that I was absolutely blind to..she helped ME to see that they weren't treating me well! :-)

Counseling....outside, 3rd party intervention to help ALL of you hear each other would be my suggestion. When it's all said & done, if no one feels heard, the gap will only widen & that would be very sad for all involved. Good luck!

H.,
I love Denise's response. I do have to add though that as a child of divorced parnets, I do a lot of reading on the subject. One thing that always seems to ring true is that the biological parent should always be the one to give the punishment. Now that doesn't mean the other parent can't discipline the child, but any punishments should always come from the biological parent. Both parents should agree as with any family (step children or not) and both should be present when it's done (as with any family). You seem to be doing tht from your post, but keep that in mind.

Aside from Denise's post, that's all I can add. Wishing you the best with this.

Blessings,
Rolinda

Something we do in our family is have a family council or meeting. Every body gets a turn to speak and share thier feelings and what they feel is important in order to solve the problems we are experiencing. Our children have even help set rules and consequnces if the rules are broken in this meeting. Sometimes we have even passed a teddy bear round and you can't speak unless you have the teddy bear. Its not a slinging match but a time to be heard and nobody interupts or criticizes anyones comments even if they are not true. The first thing any human being wants is to know they are loved and they have been heard and understood! Good luck

H.,
Stepfamilies are always tough, and when teenagers are involved, it's SO much worse.(I know because I've been there -- unsuccessfully.)Add to this that your daughter has even less reason to like her stepdad because of the trust issues you referred to ... wow. Get counseling, and fast! First for you and your husband, so you can be united. The kids will need counseling too, especially your oldest. Good luck!
W.

Sounds like you have some very normal, very typical teens on your hands and you both shouldn't take anything too personally right now. It might be a good idea if you went to a counslor to help deal with the past, with the kids that is. I have three girls almost the same age as yours, all get good grades etc and they fight with us like you wouldn't believe. My 13 yr old even looks my hubby in the face and tells him NO...there are times when it just isn't any fun to be a parent and I think after 10....is a challenge and a half! As far as the "your not my Dad" stuff, that is being thrown out there to hurt him...and is more than likely a response from being abandoned by her real father. Kids are like that, things come out when you least expect it. It is a test for him to prove to her that he really loves her and won't leave her no matter what. Hang in there, you'll get through this and so will she. Good luck & Best wishes.

I understand that all children need direction and if they are doing something wrong should be punished for it. Is she in that teenager stage where no matter what it could be an issue to get them to do something yes and she should be punished for not doing what she is told to do within reason but here is the thing you mentioned that you and your husband had problems and decided to work on your marriage but you didn't say what problems and it sounds like it was something bad. I'm not sure what it was but if I were to look at it from a child's perspective if it was that bad how could you expect your teenage daughter or other children to understand at this point why you went back. If he hit you or cheated on you those are things that many people cannot forgive and cannot accept. I don't know what your problems were but try looking at where your daughter is coming from and then try to talk to her about it.

I think the others have some very good points. I will speak to you as a teenage girl that hated her step-dad. My father and mother divorced for abusive reasons, and I was actually relieved when it happened. Then my mom got into a relationship with a man that I felt she didnt love. She just "had" to because she got pregnant. He was an avid hunter and I became a vegetarian because he disgusted me so much. I found myself always nit picking at everything he did. I could hear my mom's unhappiness, and I remember her saying she had made this decision for us, to make life easier on us. I told her not to do me any favors. Finally at the age of 16 I left home. After a couple years I went back to visit, and was able to look at it from a different light. My mom had explained better the situation in that she helped me see how he had selflessly taken care of us. That he had no obligation to work to raise us, and that he didnt need to give us a house. He had taken on 3 kids and a wife and supported all of us. paid for our school clothes, fed us, and housed us when my own father wouldnt. Though I dont think they are a "happy" couple(which makes me sad) I was able to see the sacrifices he had made, and i gained a lot more respect for him. It has changed our relationship a lot.

So, my suggestion is to make sure you are not expressing your unhappiness to your children, but making sure to help them understand his good qualities. They may never "like" him so to speak, but at least you give them the opportunity to appreciate the things he is doing that may not be obvious until they are put in the light. Good luck!

I know how it is.My husband had 2 younger children when we married a daughter 5 and a boy 3..When they came out to the house they would never do anything I asked them to do..Infact my husband and I had several arguments over this,Finally I just set them all down and told them that I was not taking the place of thier mother and all I wanted was for them to show some respect to me for thier father's sake.
Is there anyway you could maybe just take her someplace for a day or two so she would know you are still on her side but also that you have a husband you love and When she does wrong you still love her as I am sure your husband still loves her...
Good Luck and I hope all works well for you...B. H