Step-Mom Needs HELP Dealing with REAL MOM'S RIDICULOUS REQUESTS!!!

Having worked in a law office specializing in child support enforcement for almost a decade, let me say that your situation is not uncommon. First and foremost, the support is for the child; and visitation (or lack of it) does not alter the support obligation a whit. If the son is visiting you over the summer school break, then you will not LIKELY get a suspension of payments, but it is not impossible, either. The cases I have seen were mostly when the custodial parent agreed to it. Mom, as the custodial parent, must still (whether she is paying out of pocket or not) maintain a residence for the son for when he comes back home. You can petition the court to consider suspension or reduction of support for these weeks/months, even if it is specifically addressed in your husband's existing court order (i.e. divorce decree, or any subsequent modifications thereof), but is by no means guaranteed that you will be granted a suspension.
If the son is MOVING to live with you permanently, then support can be suspended and/or the mother can be required to pay support to the dad. Your post wasn't quite clear on this point (summer visitation vs. change of permanent residence).
Whatever the case may be, if your husband is required to pay support by a court order (i.e., the divorce decree) then he needs to (at a minimum) send a letter to her (copy to the clerk of court with proper references to his case file number) stating the dates he expects to implement the summer visitation/change of residence. If the court has ruled that support is suspended during summer visitation (per the court order already in place) then reiterate that in the letter as well, identifying the dates you will not be providing the $$. If you want the court to consider it, if not already awarded that way, then you need to file a Motion for Modification of the court order, either to Suspend Support (if you will be getting permanent custody/residency) or to Modify/or Temporarily Suspend Support during the months of summer visitation. Any family law attorney should be able to file the proper documents for you. You may even be able to do it yourself, if you will go down to your county clerk's office they may have some forms you can just fill out. But it will require some research, patience, dealing with some getting the run-around (most likely) and basic legwork. If you can afford it, it would be worth the reduced hassle to let an attorney handle that part. Most attorneys offer a free initial consultation. You could use that to assess what your options are, your odds of 'winning' are, and what it might cost to pursue. Additionally, if you are getting permanent custody/residence, then your husband may wish to pursue support from HER. An attorney can help you file a petition for that as well.

But know this: Just as visitation (or lack of) has no bearing on whether the support obligation must be paid... the support being paid (or not) has no bearing on whether or not visitation is enforceable. They are treated as separate issues by the court. So her threats to not send the child (if your husband has been awarded summer visitation through a court order) are empty. If she violates her part/obligations (allowing court ordered visitation) then she can be held in contempt of court. Likewise, if your husband violates his obligations (ordered support) then HE can be held in contempt of court. Or BOTH could happen simultaneously! They are separate issues.

Sounds like your husband needs some very specific terms in the court order about how visitation/support needs to be applied. Sometimes the courts are less specific than others, particularly regarding visitation.

Best wishes.

I agree with you 100% Why should you have to pay child support to her when you will be caring for Alex. It is not alimony it is child support which means the person providing food and shelter should receive compensation. I think you need to have an attorney put something in writing stating that while Alex is being cared for by his dad she is not going to receive payment. To me it is almost like paying twice, paying her and then you incurring the cost of feeding, clothing, and putting a roof over their son's head. I was divorced when my son was 19 months old and never used my son as a bargaining tool. She is wrong, but you need to have legal documentation to prevent this from happening in the future. It will be worth the cost of the attorney to have things in black and white in my opinion. Someone should tell his mom to get off her lazy butt and get a job (not you though lol). I do however think that you should let your husband handle things. Coming from you is only going to make matters worse. She will probably tell you it is none of your business. Although, I get what you are feeling it is better to be supportive to your husband and take a back seat when it comes to dealing with her. Good luck and keep us posted.

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Child support is not about whether or not SHE deserves it. As several have said, this should be spelled out in the custody and support agreement. If the summer visit is "official" and nothing is said about suspending support payments during that period, then your husband is legally obligated to continue.

Furthermore, custody/visitation are completely separate from support. A parent can't withold visitation just because support is not paid.

If there is no formal agreement, then it just needs to be worked out. If there is, get it out and read it...take her back to court/mediation if it needs to be modified.

I've been on both sides. The first time stepmom and now the single mom...who rarely receives the court-ordered support. These situations are never easy. I don't agree that you should stay 100% out of the relationship with the ex...there is a reason why she and your husband are in this situation. Just try to put yourself in her shoes and find a little mercy.

P.S. I don't go to church regularly either...I don't believe it means your character is lacking!

She sounds like a terrible role model for her son and I hope he will be in a better environment with you and his dad. Of course, she wants the money! Do you have a legal agreement in writing stating the conditions of the child support? If so, you must follow it until it's amended. If this is the situation, set up a consultation with an attorney to see what can be done. Otherwise, do what's best for him and deal with her after the move. Try to keep him out of it as much as possible so he won't realize he's being used by his mom.

Well, it's obvious she has a self- serving mindset. Court does not like that. I say pay it and quietly file the proper paperwork with the court trustee's office to have it modified. If the child has already moved in your house ...she has already ageed to that arrangment...she can't back out of that because the support is being reassesed. No judge would have that. Yup, that's what I'm sayin'...lie to her snakey a** Once the boy is home ...it's all bets off.
As far as her talking about YOUR morals?!...you know what to do with that one...you gotta let it roll on by. Action speaks louder than words, my friend.

I'm confused... when I read this, it sounded to me that starting some time in June or July, he will be coming to live with you permanently. Now, reading the responses, it seems like people think you are saying he is only going to be living with you during the months of June and July. If he is only coming to live with you for the 2 summer months, you need to keep paying child support to her. Get off the high horse of grumbling about paying it to "her" and pay the mother of this boy, and count your blessings that she offered you a half off deal and take it so the boy can no longer be used as a pawn. If, however, you are saying that sometime in June or July that he will be coming to live with you for good, then you need to go to court to get the child support figured out. There are a lot of families in which the MOM has to pay child support to the DAD if he is the one taking care of the child.

This is an issue that your husband and his ex-wife need to hammer out.

I'm not saying I agree or disagree with you (it sounds like she's a major thorn in your side and she's not acting in the best interest of her own son), but this is their battle to fight; not yours. However, definitely continue to A) support your husband and B) be a stable, loving, and accessible adult advocate for your step son.

Follow whatever the court has decreed and if it needs changing, do it properly. Good luck and I'm sorry you're dealing with this nonsense.

Hi Toni,
I'm not too sure how much help I might be...I have been divorced twice but there were no children involved.
First, do you and your husband have a copy of the divorce decree and stipulations for child support? I am sure that somewhere in there is a clause which outlines the responsibility of paying the child support, or not, in a case like yours. If it doesn't I would suggest that your husband contact the lawyer he used for the divorce and get a legal position and opinion on this matter. I think she is going to fight this tooth and nail because you're hitting her where it hurts the most...in the pocket book. (Unfortunately, because the whole issue should be around your step-son's welfare and best interest.) Stand firm. I think you have the law on your side with this one...it just might take a court order for him to be able to spend the two months with you. Well worth the expense in my opinion.

Blessings,
W.

It is a shame it often has to come to this...But I would vote to let the courts deal with it start to finish. Get on their family court/custody mediation docket now as it can take weeks to get in. Then you can all take a step back and make it clear that you all have an opinion but cannot agree and that when this happens, civil, responsible, caring parents get help from someone.

But be prepared...The court could opt to assess whether or not an 11 year old is capable of deciding which parent to live with.

Get a lawyer...obviously, there is a divorce somewhere - what does it say? If Alex is coming to you all permanently, then NO - he owes her NO money! I don't know the laws where they got divorced, but does he owe her alimony?
As far as you being in or out of it...Let your husband do the talking, but yes - be part of the decision making and be supportive. I have to go back and forth with my ex AND his wife and it's annoying...my husband doesn't bat an eye at either of them and I think THAT speaks volume of his character.
Giving her money to visit Alex - I say "NO"...but Alex isn't mine and I'm not in that situation. He is no longer obligated to her!!! SHE made that abundantly clear when she left him for someone else!
As far as your settlement or whatever - that doesn't come into play and shouldn't! When I've had to go back and forth with my ex...I NEVER asked nor was it ever implied on any court document that his wife's income and assets were considered for anything.
Good luck...and don't worry about the moral part...She's just grasping at straws.
Oh yeah! This may be shady...I'd 'tell' her she'll still be getting money...I'd give her money until Alex is with you...and as soon as you get him...STOP!
She sounds a little off her rocker - maybe it's best Alex separate from her for a little bit until she can get a grip on reality.

Wow, I don't have any good answers unless you want to get a lawyer to get full custody from her. All I can say is be a great step-mom to this kid, because she sounds like a whack-job.

You sound great. Your step-son is lucky to have you. I think his mother will be happy to get any money she can, so maybe you can up it to $200 and she will shut up.

In my opinion, do what is good for Alex, he is the main concern, judgement of each other shouldn't be part of what is right or wrong, what will affect your son, should be. She has no right for child support, it is for your son, why isn't she taken back to court, and let the court know her history,don't know if you and your husband can afford it. But I would be hard pressed to pay her a dime, if she can be Mom when it is convenient, she needs to grow up, put her son's wellfare first, not what is good for her. Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. Life is hard, when you have to depend on yourself, your husband owes her nothing, just be there for your son. Good luck, May God protect you and yours.

GO TO COURT....Trying to solve this amongst your selves can only cause one thing...TROUBLE!

this is between your husband, her, and court ruling. is the court documents on the divorce decree do not address a situation like this, then he will have to go back and make new arrangements.
that said, she is not entitled to child support if the child will be living with his father. unless it is alimony, she has no rights to that, but she can take you to court, or not allow her son to move in with his father. she can do that.
good luck

You have to be very careful with this. Your husband needs to make sure he can legally stop child support and that means it has tobe be either already set up in the divorce/child custody agreement or he has to go to court to get that added that he can stop payments when the child lives with him.
The reason I say this is unless it is already stated or changed by the courts she is still entitled legally to child support. And if he stops paying even though the child is living with him and you he could get behind and then his exwife could really nail him in court over that.
My brother's exwife did this during a time that she thought she didn't have to pay because she was trying to steal custody from my brother while he was deployed to Iraq. The judge was PISSED that she stopped paying during that time. And told her she can't decided when she wants to pay or not. The judge then added on to the custody agreement that anytime she has my nephew for an extended time frame she doesn't have to pay child support. He stressed to her several times that she was in the wrong for stopping payment without a court order.
So please don't stop paying until you have a court order saying you can stop.

I am sorry but when my ex took our children when they were young for long vacations and weeks at a time in the summers. He still had to pay child support to me. I still needed to pay for my kids welfare, clothes, and bills. He took me to court and lost. The court may see two months as a longer period of time though I would check into it.

Typically there are very clear guidelines within the divorce decree that cover child support and specific custody arrangements. Unless the terms for custody and support have been renegotiated legally then it would be unlawful for the child to change residence or for your husband to discontinue support. It is always best to check all the legal boundaries before making new living and financial arrangements. If the divorce decree states that the child is to live with the mother and the father is to pay any amount of support, changing the residency of the child without reporting it to the court is unlawful and if the support order is not changed and the husband does not pay his ordered amount, the mother can report the non-payment. The divorce order is a legal binding document that must be followed by both parties and if something needs to be changed then it must be reported. It's better to cover all of your bases before a problem occurs. Filing for a hearing before the court on the subject is fairly simple in a situation where both parties agree on the residency adjustment. You would simple go to the clerk of courts and pay the fee of maybe $20 -$30 depending on where you are and they will assign you a court date. If there are little or no provisions ordered concerning custody or support then it could be more complicated and that's when problems come up and the parties are able to manipulate and bargain to hurt the other one. My suggestion would be to check the paper work from your husband's divorce and see what you are able to do. If there are no guidelines on living arrangements and support for your step son then the mother can threaten whatever she wants but it won't amount to anything. A solid divorce order is your best tool.
Best wishes to you all. It can be a stressful and painful thing for both sides to endure.
C.

Have you gone through an attorney to make a legal child support agreement concerning this change? If not, you should. It appears that Alex will be better off living with you and to avoid any future problems, you should go through the court and make it legal. She's not entitled to child support payments if he's living with you. Alex is old enough to make the decision himself about his living situation.

go through the court ....

If he is only living there for the 2 months out of the summer your husband will still have to pay the child support if the child support is court ordered. The court might decrease it for the 2 months but they wont stop it. The child support is to help support the child and that means the money will help pay the bills/rent.
If its not court ordered then it is up to your husband to make that decision.
I dont think her keeping the kid from going there will solve anything but that is something you should definitely something you should stay out of. I know you probably dont want to hear that but if you get involved it will just cause more problems than it will help.

I agree with others, if it's only two months and it's court ordered it probably needs to still be paid. I also agree that it's between your husband and her and not you. I'm in the boat of being the mother of the child and I personally dislike dealing with the "step mom" when it comes to my child. My child is my child and his dads and no matter what those are the two people involved in making all decisions, no one esles.

I would check with a Lawyer first. Court ordered child support to custodial parent can not be stopped even if the child is living with the non-dustodial parent during that time.

IF it was a regular divorce and set child support then their is set visitation. most states state that the non custodial parent will have their child for 2 months of the summer. If she des not comply then she can be held in contempt of court which would work in your favor if you ever went for custody.

What is your husband doing to help this situation.Your a step mom you have no say in my opinon.Suggest taking it to court to your husband & let the mom know as well.Child support is court ordered if it went that way or was it an agreement under the table if thats the case & it ends up in court the exhusband may find out what he is paying isn't enough.She deserves child support they had a child together & that is for him not her.