Stay or Divorce

I would give couple's counseling a try if you wanted to stay together. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds as if you two don't have much time together, between work and children. Then for you b-day, you both have separate good times apart. (At least I hope you had a good time.) Maybe the marriage is worth saving, or not, but if you want to save it, you two need to work together to save it.

STAY, STAY, STAY!!!!!!!!!!!! That's my vote. I know many people say, "You can't make decisions for other people," or "If you don't know the details, you can't give definitive advice." Well, I happen to believe in the Bible, which you obviously do, according to your other post about VBS. The Bible does not ordain divorce. It does say that if a spouse cheats (which is what I'm gathering may have happened and/or could be happening), then you can biblically divorce them. But the Bible also says this:

"They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her (him) away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so." Matthew 19:7-8
(So yes, the "victim" of a cheater does have a God-given right to leave their spouse, but only if our hearts are so hard that we can’t find forgiveness. From the beginning, God ordained marriage as life-long.)

The Bible also says, “For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? But if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.” I Peter 2:19-20
(if we can remain strong through Christ when someone does us wrong, it is thankworthy and acceptable with God.)

I can absolutely, 100% feel what you are going through. And I can tell you that the answers are all through the Bible. There is a book that I recommend all the time, because it points to all of the scripture that tells us how to handle these times in our marriage. I stand by it completely. I recently recommneded it to someone here on Mamasource, and she came back and thanked me. She said it changed her life and will likely save her marriage. (you know who you are ;-) I felt the same way after reading it. Its message comes straight down on you like heavenly light of wisdom and strength straight from the throne of God!! (I know it sounds exaggerated, but I think every woman should read this book). It's very direct...no sugar-coating here. A lot of women despise it. But I'll swear by it. I'll even buy it for you and send it to you. It is called "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl.

I'm serious about sending it to you, but I understand that you don't know me from a hole in the ground. I'll send you a private message and you can let me know if you'd like me to send you the book. I am a die-hard advocate for saving any marriage that is salvagable. God is good. He can give you all the strength and wisdom to get through this.

One more note: It is VERY hard to trust our spouses when they have done something to compromise that trust. Just know this...you can't put your trust in any man (or woman or child, for that matter). Your trust has to be fully placed in God. You do your God-ordained part in the marriage, and put your trust in God to bless you. If we expect blessings from man, we're going to be very disappointed.

I'll send you a message & I hope to hear from you!

C.

Danyette,
Are you better off with him or without him? That is the question. Talk to people who know both of you better than we do, if there is no one you feel comfortable speaking to about this, find a counselor/pastor when school is out and you don't have classes to take. You will need to be able to take the time you need.
I think you are already working on you and working for the family and it seems working really, really hard. Take a bow.
Finding time to think will be hard, but you owe it to yourself and your kids.
Good luck.
K.

Listen to Focus on the Family's broadcast on understanding men tonight (and the next 2 nights)...might give some insights on how to approach him (or if you want to approach him with your concerns.) Also there is a DVD/book called: I Promise: How 5 Commitments Determine the Destiny of Your Marriage by Dr. Gary Smalley. Watch with your husband. Check your church and see if they have a copy.

Girl, get some therapy for real-life coping skills. Get some tips for what you can do to begin the process of forgiveness (your husband and yourself) and moving forward. Focus your energy on improving yourself, and don't focus on what he's doing...or not. That'll make you nuts! You can't control other people, including your husband. You have to put your attention to being the best Danyett you can be. Everything else will line up accordingly. Once you spend time doing that, you'll find that you won't have the time or energy to devote to living his life for him, too. Let him do that.

Take your heart of the equation and listen to what your gut is telling you. If you listen close enough and are honest with yourself - you'll hear what you have to do. Our gut rarely lies to us.
Based on what you've written above and seeing what YOU are doing to improve your life and the lives of your children - I personally think you already know the answer and want someone to validate your decision.
Good luck with the path you choose.

I agree with many of the posts... including Karen. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Finish your school, get your finances in order. Don't rush to divorce. When you are prepared to deal with the consequences of divorce, make a decision to either leave or put your heart and energy totally into saving the marraige. I agree that most anything can be overcome in a marraige, but only if both parties want to. When you are ready for the worst, find out if he (and you) are willing to put forth the effort to save the marraige, make a commitment to do so, and get to work. Marraige isn't always easy. I personally feel that so many marraiges end in divorce because people think it should be great all the time. It isn't, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it. Think about your best long-term friend you have. You have probably had fights and falling outs with him/her several times over the years and are still together. Marraige is no different. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

Not sure what your husband did to damage the trust you had in him but it's very hard to re-gain. That being said it can be done if you want the marriage. I'm recently divorced and my ex destroyed my trust by infedelity (numerous times), habitual lies, and to put the icing on the cake he started stealing from my family and friends. I hung on for years but just couldn't do it any more and I'm happier now than I have ever been in my life.

I'm not trying to encourage you to leave your husband, however you need to ask yourself some very hard questions before making that decision. I used a site called marriagebuilders.com

It helped me ton's & I still use it to this day. Their primary goal is to save marriages but it also helps those who arn't sure or really want out. It is a fantastic support system.

I hope this helps you and I'll pray for ya

Well, I totally expect everyone to clobber me for this... Because its not the nice, upstanding citizen answer... I suppose some would consider this approach somewhat dishonest... But here goes...

With everything you list in your commentary... If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't even focus on divorce until you finish up as a student. You recognize that things aren't great--ok, fine... It is however manageable, right? So, use this time (double income, 2nd adult in the household) as best you can. Divorce is distracting... the financial cost (attorneys are not cheap! plus dividing furniture, cars and assets, then having to move and replacing furniture that he got), upheaval on your own life, not to mention having to deal with how the kids react to it. If you're in school, you don't need that distraction. You're going to school to better yourself, get ahead, provide yourself with better opportunities. Don't make your load heavier when you're half-way up the hill. Get to the top, graduate and then its a new beginning.

Just keep your birth control a priority! Don't have allow any "surprises" with this man while you finish school... and then, pay off your bills (as a couple) and move on.

You are asking the wrong people.
You need to ask yourself, and you need to ask a counsler, whether it is only your counsler or if it is your couple's counsler, but you have not given, nor could you possibly give us all of the information that we would need to know to make this choice. Only you know this answer and the children should weigh heavily in your choice.
Good luck.

My divorce was final about 2 years ago. If there is no trust there is nothing. If the both of you can't talk to one nother then there is nothing. I was arried for 6 years and one child out of it. I love her to death. You sound like a great woman, but if you are not happy I would walk. I wish you all the best. Hope you get all the joys that life can give you.

this is between God you and your husband make you own mind up anly the three of you know what's really going on....

Best wishes

IMO Divorce really sucks big time. Especially if you have children together because he's going to be in your life either way. I would encourage you to try to work things out together. Give it your very best effort before giving up.

I am totally in agreement with the post by Cari! Please try to do all you can before giving up. When our best efforts fail, God is always faithful. When my husband and I first started out, we really had struggles. It was not until we truly accepted Christ and allowed God to change us that our marriage began to change. Yes, we still have struggles, but God can bring us through anything. Maybe your husband is not ready to do his part to the fullest yet, but you better believe that if you get on your face before God and allow him to change your heart, your husband will take notice. Ask God to give you a desire to love your husband. Hope this helps!

J.