Split up Parents-please HELP!!!!

All the things the others have said may be true. Or, at 5 1/2, he may have been tired, hungry, upset because he didn't get candy or ice cream or a toy when he wanted it. He's just 5 1/2.

When he is none of the above, it might work to have a simple conversation with him about "when I pick you up from spending a weekend at "Dad's" I am interested in what you did and if you had a good time. You can tell me whatever you want, or not tell me. Only if there is something you are worried/scared/upset about do I really need to know, OK?"

It is hard for kids to come home after visiting the "other" parent. My son, though he spends very little time with his father, still hates when I question him about what he did when there...and he is 15 now.

Instead of questioning your son when he comes home - he probably feels like he is getting the third degree - just tell him you are glad he is home and you hope he had fun while at his father's house. He also may be afraid he will get in trouble with you if you tells what he did - in my son's case, his dad let him drink soda and eat foods that were off limits in my house and he worried that his dad would get in trouble. :)

So, while you want to know what all he did will at his Bio-dad's house, you may have to ask the bio-dad what they do all weekend instead of your son.

As long as comes home healthy and happy then all is good.

I will give you my experience as a child of divorced parents. Every Sunday when my sister and I would come home from my dad's house, my M. would question us. In our situation, it was really an interrogation as my parents divorce was extremely acrimonious. We dreaded going to my dad's because we dreaded the questioning when we got home. If the question was "what did you do?" and the response was "nothing," we got yelled at. Mostly, it was really "nothing" because we would just hang out and play. We felt like we had to keep track of every detail to make our answer good enough.

I understand your situation is different, but your son may feel like he has to keep track of details in order to satisfy your questions. Just let it be. Ask him if he had fun and leave it at that. If there's more to tell, he'll tell you. If there's something wrong, the "did you have fun" question will be enough for him to tell you that too.

Transitions between parents and households can be tough on kids and should be handled as low keyed as possible.
You didn't mean anything by asking questions, but your son seems to be feeling like all you do when you pick him up is start grilling him about what he did.
I hope you didn't let him see you cry about it because then he will worry that he hurt YOU.
Little kids perceptions of things are much different than ours.
I wouldn't even bring any of this up with him and just let it go unless he brings it up. At that point you can say that you didn't realize you were asking so many questions, you were just happy to see him and you didn't mean anything by it. Don't go overboard with apologies.
Next time you pick him up, say you're happy to see him and talk about what you have planned for dinner or the weather or how pretty the clouds are. Let him have a buffer and talk to you about what he did when he gets around to it. And he will.
I had two kids who dealt with the visitation thing and they each handled it in their own ways.
Your son is simply trying to tell you that he feels "questioned". It doesn't have to mean you've done anything wrong, you just need to do something different.

Don't make a big thing of it. That might make it worse.

It will be okay.
Best wishes.

Odds are, he's being grilled by the "dad" and he doesn't wanna answer questions from you too. Or, like my ex, he's being told things from the "dad" and is being told to "keep secrets" and it's making him feel out of control and he can't talk to you for fear of the "dad" will find out he told the secret. (My ex used to do this with my daughter)

I'd just remind him that you are there if he needs, and when you pick him up, simply say I missed you and did you have a good time. And then leave it.

In time, maybe he'll open up to you.

ps: kids know in their gut when something doesn't feel right. They also, depending on the age, don't know how to express that. Maybe this is the case with your son.

Sending good thoughts your way.

because he might be thinking you are trying to turn him against him. Because this is a stressful situation? This is a huge change for him.

It doesn't take blood to make a dad a "real" dad. Your husband IS his father. He's been raising him, teaching him, etc. don't diminish that.

Since your son is five - just tell him you are interested in what he did while you two were apart. Ask him what he would like to share with you.

Maybe you're reading too much into it... I'm 26 and I get tired of my M. asking me questions. I realize she is trying to be interested in my life, but even now it can at times feel like an interrogation. Maybe he is just sick of answering questions. I know my son can get tired of me asking him about what he did at school etc.

I like how another poster said you could just talk to him and tell him that you are okay with him being there and are just trying to be interested in him. When my son goes to his dad's I just tell him I missed him and ask if he had a good time. I have the opposite problem. I don't care what he does there and I don't want to know. I trust his dad kept him safe etc. My 6 year old comes home and talks and talks and talks about being there. My ex and I get along overall, but I get tired of hearing about it all. :-)

Good luck... it is tricky all this shared parenting. I don't know if I'll ever have it all figured out. :-)

It could be that he is asked questions by dad about you too and then he feels like he is torn. Or, it could be that he feels torn because of how you ask him questions and he may feel guilty for having fun w/ daddy (since he has another "daddy" too. Give him some space, then talk to him. Tell him that you ask questions just to see how his visit went and so he knows you are interested and nothing more. Ask if there is anything he wants to tell you about or a reason he was so upset.

Maybe he feels guilty or his dad makes him feel guilty. I would talk to him about how he can have fun at both houses and can tell you what he did, just like you'll tell him what you did. And he can tell Daddy what he did with you, too. I think that sometimes kids get told (or feel like) they can't be honest. There are things I would like not repeated (like if we have financial issues) but overall I feel it's in the best interest of the child to allow him/her to tell you about his/her day or week, no matter where they are. I would also think about your questions and if you tend to pepper him when he first comes in, give him time to decompress and re-adjust. Maybe he just needs more time to transition. Many times we would hear from SD right away, but SS would wait til our normal dinner/sharing time.

I been here!

Like most parents said he likely feels like he is telling on his dad because the rules are different and he knows you would not approve.

What I found helped was instead of asking my son what he did (because I often got no where fast!) I asked his dad when I picked him up, in front of my son so he could see we communicate and he is not telling on his dad when we would talk about it later.

Also dont read too much into it, because he is 5 years old and could have just been feeling overwhelmed by the two houses, two parent shuffle. Good luck!

I'm a little worried by his response. I'd wait until later to talk to him about why he got so upset. Ask him during a quiet time in a really low-pressure way about what made him cry when you were asking him about his weekend. He could be having a difficult time with the notion of being at his bio dad's house and coming back to your house with his dad and feeling loyalty issues or whatever...or he could feel confused about rules maybe he's allowed to do things at his bio dad's house he wouldn't otherwise be, and is afraid of getting into trouble. It could be anything. Some therapy might be good for him to help him adjust and sort all of this out. It's quite complex for a little guy.

there are tons of kids books about going between houses and parents who aren't together. I would get a few of those. This lets you read with him and two things will happen. First, he will see how he has lots in common with other kids. And two, it will provide low key opportunities to ask questions. Say in the book a character feels sad leaving mommy, you can say "that must be hard for him, do you feel like that?", etc. Just provides you openings to ask him things.

Otherwise, lots of good posts already. He may feel like he'll upset you if he says he had fun. Or on the down side, he may be getting lots of questions and things from bio dad. Does it bother him that your son calls your hubby dad? There may be some guilt tripping going on over there. I really suggest the books to help him explore his feelings. Good luck.

Next time be sure to keep it low key. Ask him if he want to tell you anything about his weekend (not his time with Daddy) Tell him it's OK if he doesn't remember all the details, Find some children's books about children who go between M. and Dad's like your son and read them to him. This could help him understand his life better, be a "safer/neutral" conversation starter. Letting him lead the discussions, any questions you ask are about the book, not him. Are you comfortable enough to talk to your ex about this? He may be asking a lot of questions about life at M.'s which is contributing to the stress.

My daughter hates it when I ask her questions about her school day right after school. When I or my husband meet friends without the other we try not to question the other the minute they walk in the door. But the details get communicated later - my daughter gets talkative at bed time and hubby and I chat, sometimes a few hours later, but sometimes days later.
It may feel too much like an interrogation instead of a conversation to him.