Son's Schoolmate's Pregnant Mom Lost Her Baby

The worse thing you can do is say nothing. The next worse thing you can say is "You can try again soon." It's amazing how many people fit in both of these catagories.

Make a casserole or pot pie and salad, and take it over to her. Tell her that you are sorry for her loss, that you are thinking of her and saying prayers for her and her family. Tell her that you would be happy to help - just let you know what she needs. Perhaps you could offer to come in the next week and clean the bathrooms, vacuum and wash some clothes. Ask if Tuesday works for her. Try to schedule it because she won't be able to pick up the phone and ask...

She'll be going through the physical part of having had a baby, but no baby coming home. And grieving. It will be a lot to get through.

If you know other moms who would be willing to help, perhaps you could put together a calendar and people take turns.

I have to say when I experienced a stillbirth more of the men handled it well than the women in my life. . I felt very alone. The women made comments about how I'd get pregnant again or how God only gives us what we can handle. Ugh! A male friend made it a point to call me on Mother's Day even though I had no children. Invited me for dinner and just made small talk.
I agree with previous suggestions. Also, what could be helpful is to invite her for a play date next month out. Some mommy son time with her son and you and yours. This is difficult for the whole family. And a casserole or even a gift certificate to a local resteraunt/pizza place would be lovely.

It's hard to know what to say when we aren't close with the person suffering the loss.

"I'm so sorry" -- heartfelt and simple, is all you really need to say. I've had a few miscarriages and that one statement was all I really needed to hear. As Doris Day suggested, other statements of well-meant encouragement are often difficult to hear. The idea of 'trying again' when one is in the throes of this sort of loss just sounds like a prospect for more devastation and heartbreak.

Sometimes a meal is a good idea. If you don't know the family well, consider a gift certificate for a restaurant which delivers. If you know which parents are closer to the mom, you can discreetly ask for suggestions on what the mother's kids and family might like to eat or if a meal train has been set up for them. That may give you more direction too.

Offer after school playdates where you can pick up the kids - tell her you'll bring dinner home when you bring her child home after the playdate. Then simple words "I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could make it all better. I'm happy to pick up "Timmy" in the mornings to get him to school if that will help. I'll call you later to see if that's soemthing you want to do." then make a 30 second call around 7:30 and make the offer again "Did you want me to pick up Timmy tomorrow morning?" And then back up and let it go. If she wants your help she'll take it, if she doesn't you've made the offer.

Depends on how well you know her. If you talk while waiting for your kids, follow her lead. Say you'Rd sorry this happened and go on with a casual conversation if she doesn't say or give clues that indicates she wants to talk. Be casual and compassionate.

As to giving her anything, i'd ask if I could bring a csserole or whatever you can do. If you ask her what you can do she's likely to say no. If you know what she likes you could give her something unrelated to the loss With the idea of giving her a bit of pleasure.

Just quick I'm sorry would be enough to say. As to going over I'd call her first. She may not want visitors. Or you could just leave a package on the.porch. I've had a friend or two do that after I had surgery. I was a pleasant surprise.

You could send a sympathy card home with her son.

My husband's firm sent generous gift cards with the intent that we order some meals and gave him time off when I had an early M/C. It was nice to be unburdened of the responsibility of making/ ordering/ collecting food.

Food, the offer of a playdate, the offer of a cup of coffee, a restaurant gift certificate etc. are good. A bouquet of flowers, a sympathy card, a donation to the march of dimes, the local nicu, etc would be nice too.

Best,
F. B.

Say I'm sorry. Say is there something I can do? Would it help to have a playdate with my son so that you can have some time for yourself? Or if you know where she lives, mail her a sympathy card with a short note. I wouldn't drop off a meal unless you know them very well.

It's a very helpless feeling. One of my best friends lost her son in utero and it was just devastating.