Son's Birthday Party - Oxford,MI

This is not an aggressively negative post, but I don't believe in EVER holding birthdays, holidays or very special lifetime events over kids' heads. Inevitably you're going to wind up in some type of position like this. If I were you, I would sit him down and tell him I was unwilling to allow his bad behavior ruin his birthday and the memory of that for a lifetime, and I was also unwilling to be rude and retract invitations after they had already gone out. However, if he EVER wanted "friend" birthdays again, the behavior had to fall in line immediately. You may want to let him know that since he's having his party, he's not getting gifts or something due to his bad behavior, but I seriously doubt you all want his 6th or 7th birthday ruined with a bad memory forever.

You don't mention how you remediated his behavior between kindergarten and first grade. If you took him to a counselor or had him evaluated or something, then you may want to contact them again if he keeps acting up. If he was SO bad last year and he's been SO good so far this year -something has changed or set him off, so try to find out what that is. My son has been so good this year, I've been amazed -until about 2 weeks ago we went through "hell week." He went absolutely crazy in school and at his afterschool program. I finally got to the bottom of it, and a kid was put into his class who is extremely special needs/behavior disordered, and for whatever reason (primarily extra attention I think -he's an attention hog) he decided he was going to mimic his behavior. Once we got that all straightened out, he's gone back to being good.

You sent him to school with invitations and he probably got all giddy and excited which snowballed into behavior that the teachers ended up reprimanding him for. I dont think it's a good idea to withdraw the invite, it would be sort of tacky plus humiliating for your son at the same time. I'd keep the party and change the punishment to something else.

Not being overly negative - but everyone makes mistakes - even parents. You said something in the heat of your anger and I don't think it's right for you to stick by it right or wrong. You promised him he could invite friends for being good those few days and he met that requirement. It's not fair parenting to re-write the rules when you're upset and he's already done something -- WITHOUT even knowing the consequences. You're setting him up for failure and changing the rules out of anger.

I think you should sit down with him and talk to him. Tell him that you were VERY angry and disappointed because you know he's capable of being a better student. Ask him what's going on. Ask him why he's having problems in class. Talk to your child. And, I think you should tell him in your anger you said his friends couldn't come -- but you've had time to calm down and reconsider. You realize that you asked him to be good last week and get no notes and he did that.. he earned the right for his friends to be there so they can still come BUT something needs to change and you want his help on how to figure out what to do.

I don't think he will see you being reasonable as being weak. I think you need to talk to your child and find out why these problems are happening. Is someone teasing him? Is he bored? Is he confused? Does he possibly need glasses? Is he in after school activities to expend energy? Is he getting too much sugar? Not enough sleep? Start looking for causes instead of ways to punish. Help your child succeed.

Good luck.

He needs his party. He has tough consequences and an awful lot of negative attention... it's no wonder he is acting out. The time out facing the wall until dinner and then going to bed after dinner is an extremely long time for punishment and isn't teaching him anything, especially for his age. It's is well known that withholding positive attention for long periods of time such as this can create adverse reactions in children. As you already now, this punishment isn't working at all, and is probably doing more damage psychologically than good. Positive reinforcement, and being fully engaged with plenty of family time is the absolute best way for him to learn to behave and to want to please people and develop inner control. Canceling the party will be difficult and embarrassing for him and the kids and he will probably react with withdrawing more and more behavior problems from being austracised by the children.

You gave him a reward for positive behavior, then took it away when he messed up... at this rate, he feels like he is a failure at all he does and eventually, he will give up trying to be good at all. Perhaps another discipline would be best for this behavior, but he absolutely needs positive reinforcement and the ability to trust that you are going to give him the rewards you promise when he meets those expectations, without having the rug pulled out from under him after the fact. It's a shame you have more sympathy for the other children than you do for your own son.

I really think this discipline book will help you and him both, as well as in his social and educational settings. Play therapy has worked wonders with disruptive children, perhaps he needs something like this.

Discipline Book by Dr. Sears
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

many of the things in the book can be read here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen
http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/...

As for the teacher, maybe he needs to be with a more experienced teacher who understands how to teach and work with disruptive or high energy children? If he is having a very difficult time, maybe he needs to have a behavioral therapist or school counselor work with him, or be evaluated for any behavioral problems so that he can get professional help. One thing that is tough, is that once a child is labeled as difficult, they get punished for every single thing, even if other 'good' kids get away with it. Maybe you need a conference with the teacher on things you can do together to help. If she situates his desk next to hers, and really keeps him hands on as a special helper, it usually helps with a lot of the disruptions.

Personally, I feel sorry for your son, he seems like he needs a giant hug and encouragement, and praise for what he does good, instead of withdrawal of love as he sits at the wall all day long, then gets sent to bed after dinner. I guarantee you, that if you work on helping him with his behavior and use plenty of positive reinforcement and a rewards system, as well as give him plenty of activities after he gets home from school to spend his energy and work on crafts, and how to behave in places like a museum, libraries..., then his behavior will improve.

That is a tough one. Punishing your child but not punishing the others that are affected...it can be a fine line.

I personally would have the kids come over as scheduled but find a different way to punish him this time (you told him if he behaved the rest of the week (which he did) then you would let him invite his friends (which you did)). As a parent, I know you intended for the behavior to continue but kids don't see it that way (they can be quite literal...mine was). If you are adament about not having them over, call the parents immediately and tell them that your son is in trouble and the party has been cancelled.

On a side note, I know you didn't ask about this but it seems odd that a child in first grade would have 6 different notes sent home on the same day. Is he really misbehaving or does the teacher not realize he is in 1st grade? If he is really misbehaving that much, have you spoken with the teacher or principle to see exactly what is happening? or considered an evaluation to see what is going on? Is some sort of treatment or accommodation necessary? I don't need these answers but you may want to think about them (if you haven't already). Good luck.

I believe in following through, but I also believe in admitting my mistakes, even to my children. I would simply tell him that you made that punishment when you were angry, and sometimes one does not think clearly when one is angry. That you thought about it and decided that the other children should not be punished for his bad behavior, so the party is still on and the new punishment is X, Y or Z. Ask if he understands, and than move on with the new plan.

Try to change up the punishment. Instead of him not being able to have his friends come to the party, change it to, he can't play with his gifts until Monday, or something.

His birthday will come and go anyway, with or without friends at the party. I had to cancel at the last minute attending a school friends party because my son was sick. Its been 2 years and he hasn't been reinvited.

Just a thought.
M.

When is his party?
My mom would use shame. And hurting her feelings and being disappointed..

"I am so disappointed that I allowed you to invite friends to your party. I am thinking we will need to tell them you got 6 notes and because of this we need to cancel your party. What do you think?" I really wanted you to have a party, but now I guess unless you can behave the rest of the week, we will have to cancel."

Then see what his reaction is.

Let him know that IF he can go without behavior notes, he will be able to have the party, but if you get 1 more note, it will be canceled and you will have to tell the classmates why.

I know this type of thing worked on me. I would have died if my friends knew I had misbehaved and had to cancel a party.

Now, what is the problem with your son? Is he distracted," Is he bored? Does he have an attention problem? Is he in any other physical activities outside of school? Maybe ha has a lot of energy and needs it focused in some other way. Or is is a physiological problem like ADD or ADHD?

Obviously sitting facing the wall is not working, you need to work with his teachers about your son getting his act together. You may need to actually attend some days of school and see what is going on. It is not fair to the other students in his class to have these distractions..
I am sending you strength.

Honestly, B., I am not trying to be negative or harsh. I truly empathize and want to help, so here goes:

I think you should reconsider what you told your son about not allowing the other children to attend his party. Why? Because that is the deal you made with him. If he was good last week (he was), he got to invite a few friends (he did). He kept his end of the bargain. If you don't allow him to have his friends at his party, you are the one breaking the deal. It really is okay for us parents to reconsider and change our minds when the situation warrants, and that seems to be the case here.

I know you are upset about his behavior; any parent would be. You are just trying to help him get his behavior on the right track, and that is understandable. However, it's a new week now, and this week's negative behavior should have its own set of consequences (no tv; no video games; take away a favorite toy, or something similar). It is generally more helpful if consequences are more immediate for young children.

I would also like to suggest you meet with the teacher and school counselor to try to find ways to get your son motivated to work toward positive goals (vs. not doing negative behaviors just to avoid negative consequences). While there is certainly a time for negative consequences, structuring his environment to help him achieve positive consequences whenever possible will tend to work better in the long run.

You mention inability to pay attention and disruptive behavior. Do you see similar things at home? It is worth talking to your pediatrician about this as there may be an underlying medical condition influencing this behavior. Your pediatrician may suggest a referral for an evaluation, which would be very helpful. It is much easier to correct behavioral issues now at a young age than to try and deal with such problems when he is an older child or a teenager.

I hope that this has been helpful to you and wish you and your son the best.

J. F.

Honestly, if you really believed in following through with your decision, you would let him have his friends to his party. That was the deal, behave the rest of the week, and have the kids to the party, and he met his end of the deal. You didn't tell him that if he misbehaved the following week you would take back the invites. So not to be harsh, but I think you are being unfair, and this could affect him with his classmates and cause a further behavior deterioration. You should schedule a conference with his teacher to see what is going on in that class. Maybe there is something in his environment that is causing the problems. Have you considered having him tested for ADHD or something medical that could be going on? I would sit down and set the rules for behavior with him. If he is good for X amount of days, he gets Y. If he is bad, he gets Z. And then stick to it. If he meets your requirements, then give him what he earned without taking it back later.

You might want to volunteer in his classroom. There might be something going on there that is inviting this behavior. Maybe the teacher gives notes to all the kids. You never know. I volunteered in my daughter's class when she was in 3rd grade. She had told me that she got sent out into the hallway to do her work. What I found out by visiting the classroom and speaking with the teacher was that there was a group of very disruptive boys that were very distracting. The teacher was allowing the disruptive behavior and sending my poor little daughter out into the hall. She felt she was being punished just for wanting to get her work done. Anyway...it would be well worth it to visit the classroom. Is there an observation window? What does he say when you ask him about he notes home? Does he have any reasons for his behavior, excuses, does he cry about it? I would also want the teacher's point of view by talking with her/him. The other thing to think about is what is he eating for breakfast and lunch? Too many carbs from "white food" could send him into a sugar low...it's worth an observation. I think I would want to go to school and check it out. Good luck with your little guy...love on him, talk to him about it...sometimes 5 and 6 year olds have no clue why they do what they do. It could be something very simple. All the best!

As others have said it's a new week and you already rewarded him for his good behavior by letting him have the party. If you do decide to let him have the party still and to make sure he knows you are still upset with his behavio,r you do need to tell him that you will let him have the party and that you were just upset when you told him he couldn't. Come up with a different form of punishment for what he did this week.

Don't bribe him any more. He has just proven to you that he will only behave to get something cool and then revert back to his old behavior.

Meet with his teacher to see if there is anything he/she suggests in reguard to what may be causing this behavior. Is he behaving this way at home? Has there been a change in his life recently? Could he be bored at school? Sometimes if a child is not feeling challenged they will simply disengage because they are bored.

You may want to speak to your pediatrition as well. If they want to medicate for something it's always good to get a second opinion and there is all kinds of info now about alternative and natural treatment for certain conditions that affect behavior.

Have a calm talk with your son. There may be something bothering him that causes him to behave this way. Ask him if there is anything he would like to tell you, or if there is anything that is upsetting him. Remain patient and try to talk to him often. Sometimes it takes weeks for a child to open up. When you do talk to him sit face to face and engage. Hold his hand or place a hand on his shoulder. Make sure the television is off as well as other appliances. Maybe pick a quiet room to talk in. Don't even answer the phone if it rings. Let him know he has your FULL attention. I like to do this at bed time with my girls just in case there is anything bothering them.

All the best to you and your son.