Hello Moms,
My six-year-old is having a difficult time with his basketball league right now. He's on a kindergarten team, and he enjoys practice and does well, but when it comes time for a game, he refuses to play and gets very anxious. Practices are held at his school gym, and games are held at a different gym in a different location. We've had four games now, and he has refused to play each time. We even have a hard time getting him to walk inside the gym...he wants to just stay in the hallway.
He is a shy boy--even though I hate labeling--but I really think he'll feel good and have fun once he can get the courage up to play in a game. We have tried nearly everything...telling him it's like practice, just in a different gym with moms and dads watching. Telling him that he's a good player and he'll help the team; that he's part of a team and this is what he's expected to do, that he can just watch for a while, then play one quarter and sit back down for the rest of the game. We're at our wit's end. I don't think it's right for us to force him to or to be a real hard " - - -" about it, but I'm running out of ideas! He says that he is scared and that he won't know what to do if he gets out on the court. I know this is a confidence issue, and he's scared of the fast pace and the different atmosphere of a "real" game (even though they don't keep score and many of the kids are just running around not knowing exactly what they are supposed to do!) We try to be empathetic and understanding of his fears, while encouraging him to try.
We just want him to finish the season and at least play once! Because I think that will increase his confidence.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Do we just need to be sterner or just lay off and leave it entirely up to him?
Thank you!
Thanks to all you caring moms out there for your excellent and thoughtful advice. At the last basketball game, our son still would not play, but at least he walked right into the gym with us and he actually went on the court with his dad a bit before the game got started. He wouldn't practice right then, but at least we made some progress! We're just continuing to support him and give him encouragement while trying not to pressure him. If he does play in any of the next three final games I will definitely let you know!
Perhaps he's too young for this. Maybe consider just getting a group of friends together and practice basketball until he's old enough to play in a game.
L.,
I wish I had some advice for you...but wanted to share that, growing up, I was that kid! I even hid under the bleachers during soccer games (and played with the dogs!) and then grabbed a soda to make it look like I played! (That only lasted a couple weeks as I ran out of excuses about feeling sick and my parents insisted I play and watched the game). The next day I quit. This went on until high school...I even played on a freshman softball team, but only in practice...I refused to play in games. (the coach was a weenie and didn't care).
What I did find though, was that some other sports that were more individual were better for me. I came to enjoy things like horseback riding, in small local shows...and I enjoyed that competition. But team sports, where anyone else was counting on me...no way. Not even track (where it's individual to an extent) or swimteam. Let him know he needs to finish the season (to teach stick-to-it-iveness) but then he can try to find another sport that might suit him better (karate or swimming or something like that might be worth a try?)
Good luck!
(And I can't believe I even admitted all this in a public forum post! It still bugs me and I wish I could do it over again and play! LOL)
Good Morning L., you have some great advice already. Mine is just let him be a kid. Don't force it and don't get upset if he doesn't want to play yet. Practice is good, that is a form of play. He is learning the rules, how to kick and run etc. If he has other friends or cousins that play sports take him and let him cheer them on.
It's the pits to be the shy kid. We have that feeling EVERYONE and their brother is Watching JUST ME.
LOL I am not shy anymore and sometimes it is embarrassing to my Daughter in law. Cause I love to talk to people while shopping. She is the shy one.
When I was dating my hubby he took me to his best friends parents home for a cook out. Ray's mom thought I was a stuck up snob cause I wouldn't talk much. Well Betty was loud and I just didn't feel comfortable.
Our Gr son Corbin ( 4 in march ) is becoming like me now, He will speak to people when we go to Wally World. Hi I'm Corbin what's your name? This is my baby brother Zane. It's nice to meet you L.!
Can I help you put the bread on the shelf? (to the stocker). Of course I told him that was the mans job, his way to make the bacon.
Does you baby talk yet? so on and so on. One older gentleman stood with us for 20 minutes just talking with Corbin. When he was ready to go Corbin asked if he could shake hands...lol
Shy is shy and most of the time we do break out of it.
Let him be a little boy for a while longer, one day you'll be wishing you didn't have to come home eat and run him to all the games and other activities.
God Bless you L.
K. Nana of 5
Wow I could have written this except fill in soccer for baseball! LOL... Frankly, if the team isn't depending on him to be there (i.e. severely short of players) I wouldn't push the issue. If you can even get him to go INTO the gym and just watch...not play, I think you'd be doing good. Maybe not even dress him to play so he knows for sure he's only going to be a spectator (of course you can have his things in the car if he changes his mind).
With our little guy he was 5 when he started playing league soccer. We had had him in itty biddy soccer through the Y but they just didn't do enough with games for him to get anything out of it. Unfortunately, the league only has 6 players per team. From the onset, we were down one player. This is particularly stressful on game days when they have them play 3 on 3 and you NEED EVERY player to show up so others can be rotated out. The first couple of games were horrid! He REALLY REALLY wanted to stop playing after the 3 game but we told him that he had made a commitment to his team and they were counting on him to be there for the whole season. We told him that he had 5 more games he HAD to play and after that we'd never make him play soccer again if he didn't want to.
But we DID find a trick. Our son loves Ben 10 and we capitalized on it. I bought an Omnitrix (the watch that makes Ben go alien) We told him when he got scared he could pretend to become one of the aliens to help him out in the game (XCLER8 -goes really fast, Diamondhead is tough and strong, Four Arms can handle the scrums) etc. (although he couldn't wear it during the game). Well it worked! All of a sudden you'd see him standing in the middle of the field slapping his arm to "go alien" and away he went...there was nothing he couldn't or wouldn't tackle as one of those aliens (scrums, kicking balls, shooting for goals, etc.)
Frankly, at that age, I wouldn't go for the sterner stuff. That just breeds fear and resentment. I'd go with the flow...if he enjoys practice then keep it up...heck, even sign him up again if he likes it but tell the coaching staff upfront not to expect him on game days. I would certainly take him to other games to see how other kids are playing and having fun. Bottom line is I think there is some fear there he's not revealing. If you can get him to admit/own up to it you should have it solved fairly quickly.
If you are just trying to finish the season then I think you need to strike some kind of arrangement with him...For example, (maybe the first game) he has to sit in the stands with you and dad, then on the next game he doesn't have to play but he HAS to sit on the bench with his teammates. Perhaps being in the thick of it will make things better but at least he will be playing a more active roll...and if he's not playing, maybe coach can give him some jobs (picking up bats, getting drinks, etc.). He has to feel that he is comfortable in the setting or little to no progress will be made. And be willing to accept that...he may just have a fear that he's not ready to overcome.
He is only 6 and the world is big and confusing some times even for me. He is gaining so much from just going to practice. Dont push the game thing, when he is ready he will take that step. I am wondering since he is shy if this was not a too big of a step. maybe getting involved in chess, or a quieter form of activity would be better to start out with.
Basket ball is a lot of running, and whistle blowing. There are a lot of things going on all at once. Like you said the team counts on you, maybe he isnt ready to have a team count on him. he may be thinking that if he messes up it will be his fault.
I would suggest accepting the benefits of practice and not pushing the game. 6 years old is so young to have that kind of stress. Just let him have fun with it all. If you remove the stress and he knows there is no pressure, he might take his feet out of the ground he has dug them into.
My son was the same way, at 5 he would say that his legs hurt. I've decided that it was something to do with the coach, he seemed to like the coach until he was in a game, I think he might have thought that he was being "yelled at" during a game, I still don't understand, but he's 16 now and loves to play football, loves the coaches and still won't play basketball. He's had no problems with other sports and loves game day, hates being out of the game. I'd say let him choose when he's ready to play and keep him playing something until he's ready.
Hi L., I really feel for you. It's hard because we want our kids to learn the importance of teamwork, commitment and allowing them to not participate seems to send the wrong kind of message. My oldest, now 7, said he was interested in t-ball and soccer as a 5 yo, but when it came down to it, he really didn't like the competition of games. He seems to enjoy more individual things, like swimming and cub scouts. Now, my 4 year old seems to have been born with a ball in his hands. He loves, loves, loves sports and we've already had him in soccer and it's just a world of difference between the two boys. I guess in the end, we have to strike the balance of respecting the natural inclinations of our kids (a hard one for parents!) and yet teach them all the important, character-building activities like teamwork and commitment. My oldest likes nature and the outdoors (we are SO NOT outdoors people but we're learning!), and my youngest loves the outdoors if it means he's got a ball to kick or catch. It's a grand learning experience for us all...Good luck with your little guy!
I think you should "force" him to play in one game. Just because how many things were you too scared to try and wish you had or wish someone had "made" you? We have done this with our daughter. She was scared to go off the diving board, but it was the final test in swimming lessons, we made her and now she is an avid swimmer and goes off the starting blocks on swim team. We make sure she knows there is no shame in being scared as long as you go ahead and try. What if it's the greatest thing you've ever done? We definitely model this in our home too. I let her know when I'm scared or uncertain about a new situation (taking a new class, meeting new people, trying something new) and then I go ahead and do it. Sometimes I love it, sometimes not, but she sees me go ahead and do it.
Good luck!
i do not think you should force him to play if he does not want to...he is only 6..my grand-daughter tried playing indoor soccer at 4 yrs old & all she did was run around on the court & cry...it was devastating to watch...i told my son & daughter-in-law to forget about the shoes & shin guards they bought, & the $40.00 fee they had spent..the money was nothing compared to the girl's emotional state it would put her in...now at 5 yrs old she was snowboarding & sledding down steep hills in her neighborhood having a ball...so time will improve your son's confidence level...let him start with kids in his own driveway playing basketball...when they start asking him to play indoors at a school...he will want to then..
This sounds like my fourth son (I have 4)but in soccer he loved practice but when it came to the game he would not play we bribed, encouraged, praised and everything about half way through the year he finally played in a game then he loved it he played into high school. My 3rd son played when he was 5 and did not want to play the next year. When he was in 4th grade he wanted to play again then it was my fault that he was behind the other boys because I did not make him play in 1st grade.He also played into high school. It is always easy to blame Mom because they know you still love them.
As a sports mom, I condone sports as an extra activity. So what if he is only a weekend warrior w/friends. That's okay. If you want him in sports, try individual sports such as bowling. Not much stress there and very fun. Good luck. By the way, my kids wanted to play every sport they could and we could afford. I let them play whatever sport was in season; but only one, with the exception of bowling. They played that and won scholarships and tournaments. I am very proud of my children (ages 31 & 29). But I do think too much is put on sports now. There are other avenues.
well, my daughter is very shy and she wanted to play t ball at age 5. She LOVED practice! Game time, like you said was another story. Our games were in the same location as our practice but it was hard to get her to partipate. She didn't want to go up to bat... at all. Even though that was her favorite thing to do at practice. Well we bribed her! We told her if you try hard and go up to bat at least one time we will take you out for ice cream. And she did! My daughter hates being watched. She is now 11 and I she can really tell me her anxieties. She really wants to do things but she doesn't want to PREFORM in front of people. Your son can be feeling the same. I still try to get my daughter to try things but I dont push. She is in student council which has raised her self esteem a little. She realized she didn't have to stand in front of anyone so she signed up! Make sure you tell him that everyone there to watch the game and the only ones wathing him is you and dad. Add a little treat for after the game. Everyone loves to go out for pizza or icecream after a game! Maybe even ask him about trying to play for the first quarter to see how it is. Good luck...
H.
Hello L.,
My idea is this, keep going to practices and when it comes down to the games, tell him you all are going but he's just going to watch. Maybe he'll then see how much fun games are and there won't be the added stress for him. After a few times of just watching, he may want to play. If not, there's always next year. In the meantime, you may want to try to talk with a counselor who deals with child anxiety issues. ls
I'd let him be. Be glad that he enjoys the practice. My daughter did the same thing with soccer. When she was a bit older, she told me she really disliked all the parents shouting--even though they were shouting encouragement and praise, it still just sounds like shouting when you're little and far away from the people doing it. That is probably just too public a scenario for him to handle yet. Make sure he knows you are proud of how well he does in practice, that you're glad he enjoys playing, and that he'll want to play in games when he's ready.
Hi L.! I feel your pain. I have a 7, 5, 3 year old kiddos. They are all "shy" practically. They run around with thier normal friends, but as soon as we get somewhere different they clam up. My husband and I have discovered something that works for us. We call it Monkey see Monkey do! I know it sounds silly, but we make up little situations for our kiddos to solve for us. Like for instance.....My son was the same exact way about playing basketball. My husband would take him to the local gym once a week (besides his regular scheduled practices) and do practice drills with my son. Different gym, different people. Then my husband would be working with him on defense or offense and he would have my son correct him on what he had learned in practice. So when it came to game time we would talk about what we did that following week during his practices, and my husband would say I forgot how to do that could you show me again? That started working for us. I hope this gives you some kind of idea and helps you! Just keep praising him and make him feel confident. I hate to say this, but I wasn't ready for confidence issues at this age either. Good luck!!
~S.
Just remember he is only in kindergarten. Let him keep going to practices and take him to games even if he won't play. If he wants to play when he is in first grade then sign him up...he may not be mature enough yet to understand the sports concept. Give him time. He's only five. Good luck and God Bless.
