Son in Law Made Inappropriate Remarks to My Nephews Wife

he said something he shouldn't have and now he is banned for life from all family functions? Overreact much? He should apologize to HER not to her husband. He didn't insult or say anything inappropriate to him. This is ridiculous. There has to be more to this than he said something bad. Did he attack her? Grab her? What? The reaction is over the top for the crime, IF all he did was innuendo remarks. Stop the drama. Stop the drama in the family.

You do NOT get involved. You are not part of this. Stop the madness.

I'm sorry. I just don't get it. Did he have like an affair or something? It seems quite chaotic and drama central. I can't make out anything really, so all I'm going to offer is my two cents.. stay out of whatever and move on. If all else fails, then there is always family therapy.

Not your circus not your monkeys. This is between your daughter and son in law and your nephew and his wife. Everyone else needs to shut their pie hole about it and stay out of it.

Not saying that you can't have an opinion on what should be done but your opinion is just that; something you think and nothing more. Stay out of it all and if another family member brings it up speak up and tell them NOT YOUR CIRCUS NOT YOUR MONKEYS.

Trying to understand this, your son in law flirted with your nephew's wife, sounds like once, and everyone is up in arms? You must have a lot of drama in your family.

So to answer, if you like drama, yeah, get in the middle, if you don't, stay out.

I think I understand what you said - your son-in-law made some inappropriate comments towards your nephew's wife. Is that right? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If I'm right, So what!?! Ok, maybe he said something he shouldn't have. Let it go! Seriously! Everyone in the family needs to just let it go.

Yes, your SIL should apologize for saying something inappropriate. That would be the nice thing to do. That would be the right thing to do for his wife and for her family. But whether he does or does not, holding on to that anger and any other emotions is just dumb. Your nephew doesn't have to like your SIL, but for his own happiness, he just needs to let it go.

Your daughter has to decide what to do with her marriage and how to deal with her cousin. And if she wants to bring her own husband to a family function, she should! Not sure who "decided" that your SIL was not welcome at any family event, ever again, but that's dumb!

This isn't your problem. It's normal to feel embarrassed, but you just have to remind yourself that you didn't do anything. If someone says something to you, just say shrug your shoulders and say this is really between the two couples and what can you do? and then change the subject.

This is completely our of your control.

It was not easy to decipher and interpret some of your post.

I came away from the post seeing WAY too much drama. Who's the drama mama?

Gees... it was a few inappropriate words and it's being blown into such a big deal. Somebody is looking for attention positive or negative. This should not have escalated like it did.

People need to act like adults, apologize for the inappropriate remarks and move on.

ETA: Your added information is a bit hard to follow, however what I'm gathering is that your son-in-law seems to have made inappropriate comments not once, but several times, to your nephew's wife at their workplace, until it got to the point where she had to talk to someone in HR. That changes the situation quite a bit--especially with him being significantly older and a senior employee. In that environment, his comments were harassment and very intimidating to a younger, new employee. Unfortunate that he had to lose his job, however I hope he has learned a lesson. Now, I'd say that your nephew's wife gets to determine for a while whether he is invited to functions where she will be present--I know I wouldn't want to be around someone who had done that to me and I think the family needs to support her in this matter. I still don't think that a complete ban forever is appropriate, especially to funerals or weddings, and maybe he can demonstrate to others that he he understand what he did was wrong and will not repeat his mistakes. Also, the nephew's wife might decide after 6 months or a year that she is okay with being around him, and her wishes in that regards could be honored. A time period for her to recover her security is necessary.

Original response: I'm with Margie G on this one. Yes, your son-in-law's remarks were wrong and created an awkward situation. However, unless his interactions with her in the past were problematic and he seemed to be escalating or he has a history of boundary-crossing, I can't see banning someone from every family event forever as a result of a few remarks. Perhaps you can encourage him to apologize to the three most-affected parties and encourage them to accept the apology so life can move on?

If he had a full affair with an outsider it would be better? I'm sure your daughter would agree (eye roll). This happened moths ago and your entire family is stewing over this. Leave it alone and let the parties involved figure it out.

Your son-in-law flirted with your nephew's wife, who you do not even like (I guess your son-in-law likes her more than you do), and now your family is falling apart...? This really seems like an over-reaction to a few unfortunate flirtatious words. Everyone should move forward. Maybe get together and have a group hug.

Sounds like a whole lot of drama for just some inappropriate remarks. I would think that son in law apologize to your nephew's wife, his wife, and your nephew - and move on.

I think everyone is overreacting.
Was what he did wrong? Yes.
Should he be punished for the rest of his life? No.
Should he apologize to your nephew's wife? Yes (although how he's supposed to do that when he's not allowed to attend events, I'm not sure.)

The person who was really wronged was your daughter. If your daughter is willing to forgive him, I think that the rest of the family should too. Let this go and make him welcome at family events. Let him apologize to nephew's wife in person and she should accept the apology (she could refuse to accept his apology also, it's her choice, but she doesn't get to ban him from family events; relatedly, he can promise to make sure he's never alone in a room with her again if she is still uncomfortable with him). Regardless of how nephew's wife responds, once your son in law apologizes to the 2 women to whom he was disrespectful, everyone needs to move on and leave this drama behind.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your nephew is a drama queen (no one did anything to him, and yet he's making it all about him), which will make this more difficult.

ETA: Your clarifications don't change my opinion at all. If anything they make it stronger. He lost his job. He was punished for what he did. Assuming he regrets it, he should be given the opportunity to apologize to the 2 women involved (his wife and the person he spoke to inappropriately) and then everyone should move on, and he should be invited to family events.

What did he say? A sexual innuendo is referencing something sexual or implying it without outright saying it. Is this what he did? I believe this is between him and his wife...and it's not really any of your business. Stop thinking about it. You are creating drama in your mind. Let them work on their problems and deal with it. It is embarrassing but I don't think it needs to be a huge drama. I would be disgusted with him would not trust him, but besides that I don't see why he cannot go to future family gatherings. I think he should apologize...to his wife's cousin and to his wife. Besides that I don't think there needs to be any drama...just go about your life like normal. Let your daughter deal with her husband, do therapy with or without him, and talk to him about it. That is between them. You sound much much too involved.

He made an inappropriate comment, he didn't have sex with her, and if she wants to make her marriage work then everyone else needs to grow the heck up and stop blackballing him from family events. If I was her and my husband was not welcome then I would not come either, it is wrong of the family to exile him over some stupid comments, people do learn from their mistakes. It is time for you to support your daughter and her marriage. And the nephew is very in the wrong for making what should have been a private matter and making it public.

I have no clue was NFS and NF means.

Your family needs help. There's just too much drama for me. Sounds like a soap opera.

Tell everyone that they need to grow up. Handle themselves. Own their comments and apologize.

If she got him fired from his job? That's pretty serious stuff. You know it's possible that SHE set him up? oh my God. I'm stopping. I'm NOT going to get involved in this drama.

Tell everyone enough with the drama. Families stick together.

What to do? You do nothing, you stay out of it. Listen to your daughter if she wants to talk, but nothing more.

Everyone is entitled to have their feelings about it, but it doesn't require action on your part. They are all adults, let them figure it out, or not.Stay out of it.

Without knowing exactly what he said and how she reacted to it, it's really hard to know how to respond. Did he touch her? Threaten her? Make her afraid? Or was he simply disgusting and gross? Did you all hear it? Or was this relayed to you and others by someone else?

I'm not in favor of allowing ill-mannered and sexist men to get away with remarks, but that doesn't mean you create a huge division in a family by everyone taking sides. She is the wronged party, and the son-in-law is the perpetrator, and it's between them.

I think it's a little insulting to your nephew's wife that HE was the one who messaged your son-in-law. Why isn't his wife able to stand up for herself? She can let him know exactly what she thought, either in person or in a letter. If she doesn't want to be in the same room as the son-in-law, that's up to her. So don't seat them together at dinner, and so on. But you're saying that he can't come to a funeral 10 years from now because of this?

Look, my mother was mistreated sexually by my grandfather. He came up behind her and rubbed up against her. He tried it a second time, and she told him if he ever touched her again, he was never going to be allowed to come to her home and she would tell his son (my father) what the reason was. He tried something similar with his other daughter-in-law, and she handled it the same way. There was never another problem. I was the only granddaughter, and my grandfather always talked about taking me to a fancy place in the city for my 16th birthday. He died before that happened, but my mother said there is no way he would have been allowed to go anywhere with me at a teen. But I was an adult when I learned that. I think what he did was horrible - and I am proud of the strong women in my family for standing up to him.

I suggest you all take a step back and let the nephew's wife handle this, and follow her lead. If your son-in-law is a menace to her, or to women in general, then you all have to take a stand. If he was disgusting and inappropriate and is sorry and never does it again, it will take a lot less energy than everyone turning this into World War III.

This is just too much drama for me. In my family the elders don't tolerate this foolishness. We comply with their wishes and leave the drama aside.

there is nothing for you to do but to let these grown people handle their business and stop blaming everything on your son in law. It takes two to tango.

ETA: Just a thought...if the family is so close, how could it divide so easily over this issue?

You've known your son in law along time. What kind of character has he demonstrated before? Is he someone that "has no filter" and says exactly what he thinks/feels? Someone who is socially awkward? Or someone who pushes boundaries and everyone was just waiting for this to happen?

The reality is only 2 people really know what happened: your son in law and nephew's wife, and everyone else is just picking a version to believe. There are three sides to every story: his, hers and the actual truth.

By talking about it with other family members, you are fueling the drama of this incident and the 'different versions'of it.

The emotional intensity of this reaction (without knowing details) from everybody indicates there are not a lot of firm boundaries and poor communication between members. So I'm not sure how much influence you have besides on your own family.

I like Doris's idea of hosting holidays at your house and you be in charge of who attends but including everybody. If they don't come, let it go. Respect their choice to do what is best for them at this time.

But as far as what to do....I would stop talking about it period. If someone brings it up, I would say, "that is between SIL and nephew's wife I'm going to let them work this out" and switch to neutral topic. Be firm and keep circulating that response to others. When they find you won't participate in 'any version' they will stop talking to you about it and stop putting you in the middle.

You show up to other family functions, enjoy them, and repeat to others that this is between SIL and nephew's wife..let's let them work it out....I'm here to enjoy (said event) and your company.

Good luck

Bless your heart!

If I understand it correct:
You just learned about the situation but it happened month ago since your nephew texted your son in law and never received a reply back.

You have not been there when the incidence happened. I assume your son in law is around 40+ and the nephew's wife around 20+. You are all strong church members.

I also assume you and your son in law have had a healthy relationship and got along well over the years. So why don't you talk to him if it bothers you so much? Ask him what he thinks and how things can be worked out. You can not exclude him at gatherings since your grandchildren will not understand your behavior and will eventually find you awkward in this all.

Y'all in Texas. The bible belt. I am not from Texas but lived there for more than 10 years. I found things are easy misunderstood and very conservative handled. Leave it to handle it between the people are involved or if you think you need to do something than talk to your son in law and nephew and get a grip on it with them but don't make it worse by the "OMG what happened" approach.

Was the innuendo something like 'I wish I was 20 years younger" and he is socially awkward and meant it as a compliment, yet sounded like a dirty old man hitting on her? Now she feels uncomfortable to be around him?

Was it very forward and less of an innuendo?

This is not your fault and I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of it. I can tell from the tone of your writing that you're sad and embarrassed. I think it was right of you to support your daughter in whatever decision she makes regarding her marriage--it's her marriage. Unfortunately, this probably isn't the last time your SIL will do something inappropriate, so it's just a matter of time before your daughter hits the road.

I would flat out ask your sister what she wants you to do. You can't divorce your SIL or undo the damage. Forgiveness is a powerful thing.

Hugs!