Someone Please Tell Me I'm Not a Bad Mom!

I have 4 kids that are all close in age. I have been married 16 years and when they were little did most of it by myself. It is hard and most of the time I felt inadequate. All I can say is do the best you can. Mine are now 15, 13, 12, and 9. I have great kids that help me a lot and my husband is great with the kids now that they are older. Some guys just aren't baby people. Mine loved it at about the age of 5 on.

For what its worth...My daughter is almost 8yrs(in June) and I have a 7 month old boy, and still have the same dilema you do. So having them far apart in age doesn't really help this situation much! My daughter still feels like she has to compete with her brother for attention. You do have GREAT advice here and I am going to use some of it myself! Hang in there...

I too has both of mine close together and it is tough. You are NOT a bad mother, you are NOT inadequate, and it DOES get better. It is just hard right now. I am sorry you don't have much help, but it WILL get better with time. Sometimes one has to cry and that is okay. I found sometimes just taking 15 minutes when we walked in the door to snuggle on the couch or read a book to both of them would work wonders. Good luck...it will get better, I promise.

I have 18 month old twins, so we didn't have much of a choice having ours so "close" in age. :)

The biggest and most helpful thing I had to very quickly learn was that it's okay if my children cry. From the time we brought them home, there were many times they both needed me, and I couldn't always help each baby at the same time. I had to accept that one or both would be crying, and it's okay. I would do the best I could to meet their needs, but coming to this realization early on helped me be a better mother. I would still become frazzled, but it wasn't very often. I stayed much cooler and calmer.

Your boys are going to have to accept that they need to share you. It isn't easy, but just talk to them when this happens. At meal times, calmly tell whoever is waiting, "Hold on just a moment. Mommy will be right with you." As for having to help the two-year-old eat, I say just let him get messy. You will help him become independent, and it will allow you to tend to the younger one.

You're not a bad mom!!

All mom's feel pulled in many directions at once. From reading your post the first thing that comes to mind is that it seems that when they do scream and whine you do go to them and give them what they need/want. I'm not judging, I know what it's like to want to just do anything to stop the screaming and whining!

Perhaps try to have a snack pre-packaged for your older son so that he can just grab it out of the refrigerator or pantry when he gets home and start eating it on his own so that you can concentrate on the youngest.

Try not to run to either one of them when they are screaming or whining. Teach them that asking politely and waiting patiently get them what they want.

Good luck,
K.

First, stop beating yourself up. Second, take a deep breath. Third, you can't change their ages, so look for shortcuts and help. You're right about them wanting your attention. The good news is that if you give them 20 minutes of your undivided attention as soon as you get home, they'll be happy to let you do other things. Maybe put the baby in a carrier and tend to the older one for a few minutes--snack, how was your day, what did you eat, read a favorite book,whatever. The weather's getting nice-- maybe you could take them for a short walk or play outside a bit. Kids love being outside, and the fresh air helps them sleep. If you pick them up late, have Mom bathe & feed the baby so he's ready for bed. If the older one wants to eat asap when you get home, carry a snack in the car for him so when you get home, the edge is off. You can also chat with the toddler in the car about his day, or play baby songs. I know 'em all! My kids were close like yours, and I was a SAHM (it was in the olden days--we were all SAHMs). I salute you, and all you moms who work and raise a family, with or without a partner(and everywhere in between). You are AWESOME!!

You are not a bad mom. It is all normal. Especially since your husband is no help. Keep doing your best without feeling guilty, when one child is screaming, just call out "Mommy loves you. I'll be there soon !"

You have a lot of great advice here, I didn't take the time to read them all, but I agree with Amy B; take a few minutes right when you get home to give them undivided attention - read a book to them was exactly what I was going to suggest. Snuggle up on the couch with one kid on each side (the lap is off limits, because obviously that would cause them to fight for that position! Also, you have the book picked out ahead of time so there's no fighting). Since you said they are hungy - have an easy healthy snack for them to munch on during "story time", this will keep their mind off fussing and hold them over for dinner and maybe cause less fussing at dinner time. As everyone else has pointed out, you are not a bad Mom, this is very normal!

First- You aren't a bad mom. And as far as the other ladies saying that you should cut your hours or be a SAHM, that's not going to help your problem. I have kids 18 months apart and the first two years were HARD. I worked full time for the first year then stayed home after that. It was just as hard either way.
What I did (and still do) is have snacks cut up for when I walked in the door. Cheese, veggies, crackers, fruit. I dropped everything (but the kids) when I walked in and went straight to the kitchen. Then I put everyone in their chairs and handed out food. At that point I could change the diaper that needed changed (they always do), give kisses and start the coffee maker.
It will get better. I promise you it will get easier. Just remember that it isn't necessary to be a super mom. No one hands out prizes. Do the best you can.

Sit 2 high chairs side-by-side. Yogurt and spoon for 2-yr-old. Sit and feed baby. Let 2-yr-old put yogurt in his hair if he wants. Who cares? Then flop on couch for 15 min. and read book to both. Put them on floor with toys while you prepare "real" dinner. One day 23 years ago, I was feeling just the way you felt when you wrote this letter. I called my mom. She gave me the best advice ever. She said, "E., your job is to feed 'em, and keep 'em clean, and keep 'em alive. Don't worry about the rest." Anytime I was feeling overwhelmed I would remember her advice and smile: "Are they fed? Check. Are they clean? Check. Are they alive? Check! Yes! I've done my job!"

I know exactly how you feel and it will get easier. My two girls are almost exactly 2 years apart and my husband is too busy with his work to help out at home.
You have some great responses here. I'll add - make it fun - divert all their negative behavior with humor. Some days it is hard, but the lighter and more fun you make it the easier it will be for you all. I've had days when both kids are screaming and crying so I'll just start singing a funny song or making funny faces - it brings them around pretty quickly.
Also, if you make sure they are both in a safe situation (the little one in the crib) take a little time-out for yourself in the bathroom. Just even 2 minutes will help you calm down and cope with the situation better.
And just remember there is only one of you, breath and do the best you can - you are doing a great job being there for your kids and caring about them enough to ask this question.
Happy Mother's Day - God bless.

First of all I think its very common for moms to second guess ourselves. I did it quite regular when my oldest child was young.
Anyhow you only can do what you can do. Try to make every Tuesday night extra special with your older child. Maybe let him stay up an extra 15 min or whatever. You are doing a good job as a mom you are working full time then also your a full time mom 24/7. Cherish yourself because if you don't know one else will. I know its hard right now because your kids are so young but the time will go quickly and they will be big before you know it. As far as your husband mine husband didn't do much with our oldest but now he is a very attentive supportive dad. Don't loose hope don't forget being a parent is new to him also. Before you fall asleep I would try to listen to some calm music or mediate it helped me very much. Please email me if you need support. ____@____.com

You are not a bad mother, but your husband doesn't sound like all that great a husband or father if he is refusing to jump in there and do what he should to help. Would it be possible to work part time or stay at home? Not what your husband would say to that question, but what you think. Your kids are the most important people in your life right now because they are so young and need you. Good luck!

You are not a bad mom. Proof of that is your trying to work it out so both are happy. I would suggest that maybe you make some things and throw in the crock pot so that they are ready when you walk in the door. When you pick up the kids bring them home and straight into the kitchen into the booster and highchairs. plop some stuff on the trays and have them start eating. a friend once told me to have their snacks be part of what the rest of you are having for dinner. so if they are starving give them some carrots etc. applesauce etc.. good luck

whoaaaa. Bad Mom for having them so close? No way! Mine are 17 months apart. It's just tricky at this time, but it gets better and you will be glad for thier closeness. A couple of suggesions:
-Can you pick up the 2 y/o first and take him home or to the park for 15- 20 minutes b/4 picking up your baby? Or vise versa?

- Since your mom keeps the baby, pick up your 2 y/o first, then get the baby, but let grandma play with the 2 y/o for 15-20 minutes while you spend time with the baby.

- Snacks in the car on the way home to keep them from being so hungry as soon as you get home (gosh, it's been 5 years for me, and can't remember what if any snacks a 8 month old can eat...forgive my mommy brain - this may only apply to the 2 y/o)

-Hire a teenager neighbor as a mothers helper for you in the evenings. A mothers helper just helps mom entertain kids while the mother is home. Let's you get dinner started, take a shower, unwind etc. The YMCA and other places that offer babysitter certifications might help you with someone who has recently taken their courses.
-Finally... tell your mom how frazzled you feel, tell her how much you appreciate her and beg her to help you a bit more in the evenings for a while, till they are at less clingy stage (that might be my first option!).

Hang in there! D.

Hi G.- Not sure how much money you're making full time but maybe if you try to trim in other areas you could just work part time. The day care expense should be significant and cost of work clothes, convenience food, gas, any other work related costs could add up. Whatever you can trim off the budget you can affford to take in less and have more time with your kids. Moms with a little more time can be so much more efficient around the house, clipping coupons, taking care of a neighbor's child part time, cooking more, selling stuff on Ebay are all little ways to save and earn. Remember that this period of time is really short (the fact that you had them close together is actually good here) before you know it they'll be in school and you'll have a lot more time. If I were you I would do whatever I could to get more time with my kids. I would also talk to my husband about why he doesn't help with the kids more. Why is it all left to you if you've both been working full time? Not only does that sound unfair to you but it is not what's best for your kids, they need their Dad to step it up a bit. One things for sure you have no reason to feel bad, it sounds like you are a great Mom doing the very best you can. Lose the guilt and brainstorm ideas to get what you want. Good luck and Happy Mother's Day!

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM!!!!!!

You are doing a wonderful job! And the fact that you care so much shows you're a great mom!

I agree with some of the other moms. Have snacks all ready to go before you walk in the door. You might even need to set everything up before you leave.

You could try putting one son on each side of you and sitting in the middle. Don't try to give one your undivided attention, give them both attention at the same time! Maybe you make a game of eating the snack, give one a piece, then immediately give the other one a piece. Maybe you sing a song, or do something funny with a toy. Try to do something that involves them with each other as well.

My cousin had girls just one year apart! She literally got pregnant again right after the first was born (surprise!) I remember seeing her sitting between two high chairs doing that very thing. I think she had some puppet or toy and she'd give one a bite, then that one would giggle to watch the next kid get a bite. They were involved, all three of them together. Her husband was a doctor so he wasn't home sometimes even all night! She said that one would cry setting off the other one. Her solution was always involve both of them in some silly game.

Anyway, it was the only way she could manage, and she was overwhelmed too so don't feel bad! You're doing great!

I don't really have a suggestion because i'mnot in the position to give one but i will say this, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!!!! You just need a few suggestions and that's normal. and i think you came to the right place. nobody is perfect and there are others who are in worse situations then yours so believe me you are nowhere near a bad mother. And i'm quite some one on here will come up wiht just the right answer you need( i have noticed that someone always does) and you will be fine. and if you have another problem bring it on! we're all here for a reason and we all need a helping hand. Good Luck!!!!!!

You're a good mom. You're a loving and caring mom. No worries. We all need a bag of tricks up our sleeve.
What I do is turn off the radio on the ride home and ask them tons of questions about thier day or sing silly songs. That way they know I'm plugged in to them. It helps if we stop at a park on the way home and play. I sit under a tree by the sand box with the little one while the big one runs to the slide. Gives everyone a chance to unwind. When we get home I am firm that they not ask me for anything until I change out of my work clothes. They have to put thier shoes by the door before they can ask for anything. Then I give them both a yogurt or string chees or something simple while I make dinner. Another way to buy yourself a few minutes is put a limit on something they didn't even know they wanted. I'll tell my kids "remember you only have 15 mintutes of Scooby Doo before dinner." They run into the other room to get thier 15 minutes, giving me 15 uninterrupted minutes to get dinner together.
The best thing you can do to stop them from pulling you in 2 directions is to give your 8yr old responsibilities. Make him feel proud and accomplished by expecting him to eat on his own and to help his little brother eat. He's old enough to eat without making a mess. He may pretend to need help because he wants the attention little bro is getting. Praise him for eating alone and being a big boy. If he makes a mess, make HIM clean it up. Consistancy is key. Put him in charge of little things that help out and praise him often. I have a water dispenser in the fridge and I let my 4 yr old get a cup of water for himself and his little sister. He loves when I give him a soapy sponge and let him wipe the table and counters down. He's so proud and happy and it takes him so long that it really cuts down on moms aggravation. Hope this helps.

Is there any way you can be a stay at home mom or cut your hours down? Kids need their mommies as much as possible. If your hubby expects you to work full time and be a mom and clean and do that much work, then I say you should quit the job or the cleaning and hire a maid service with his money.

Ofcourse you r deffinftely a great mom, or you not be bothered by the delema, and even trying to find solutions.Is there something that you can try to occupy the chidren with so that u can get more ajusted. how about having snacks prepared ahead of time..good luck.

The only advice I might have it to have some pre-prepared snacks for when you get home so you can feed them both quickly. I would also sit and have a talk with them about how you love them both equally, but that you are only one person. The 2 year old will understand some of it, but the 8 year old is old enough to not only stop pitching a fit if the toddler needs you, but to be helpful around the house as well. My children are 4 and 6, they help with cleaning and know how to prepare some simple snacks for themselves if I am other wised tied up, it takes some of the stress off me.

I feel ya! Nope, not a bad mom at all, just a lot of demands on you.

Can you wear your baby in a carrier while you deal with the older one? That way, even if he's fussy, he gets to be 100% with mom and you have your hands free to be with brother?

I know it's messy, but let the two year old feed himself. If he wants to, that's a great way to give you a little break and encourage independence on his part....I am sure you don't want to clean it up at the end of the night. I hate doing it too...maybe throw an old sheet down and just throw it all in the hamper til the next day.

good luck, I hear it gets easier! :)

It does get easier. There are many a night that I have to give them a snack while making a quick dinner to settle them down. It was harder when our kids were your kids age so I can totally relate. They are now 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 and still get frustrated but not daily. I usually pull up chairs to the island so they can stand and watch me cook. They love to watch and be a part of it and keeps them in a good mood until dinner. Maybe you could try that. I know it's hard to do anything if you are holding them. =)

Maybe you could have dinner in the crockpot ready to serve when you get home. You shouldn't feel guilty and without help from your husband (which I think isn't fair to you or the kids) you can only do so much. The two you old can feed himself and the 8 month old can't. Just try to talk to the 2 year old as much as possible. You sound like a great Mom so don't keep beating yourself up. Maybe you could let the 2 year old help fee the 8 month old somehow ask if he would like to give his brother a bite and hand him the spoon kids always seem to like that. He won't feel left out and he will also feel important. Good Luck I hope something helps.
Kay

First take a deep breath and know that you are not a bad mom! Young children need a LOT more attention than older children. I had my first 2 close together, not quite as close as yours, but close. I felt my oldest had to grow up fast b/c the baby was coming and would need help. In about a year, when your oldest is 3, you'll look around and think...this is a little easier...then when the youngest is 3, you'll be like...wow, this is great! 3 is the magic number when they can feed themselves, spend more some time entertaining themselves, and usually are all potty trained. This is just a season of your life where it will be stressfull, but it will get easier. Now, to come up with ways to help...first, as soon as you get home, get on the floor with both for about 5-10 minutes. Tickle, hug, kiss, play, roll around, etc. If you are there with both, they are both getting some good attention from you. Then, food. So, 2 year old is messy...I have a 2 year old, I hear you! But, he CAN feed himself, so work towards meals that are more finger friendly...cheese cubes, rolled up pieces of deli meat, cherry tomatoes, cut up grapes, bananas, frozen yogurt sticks - all of that is finger friendly and not too terribly messy. Then you can feed the little one. My suggestion, and maybe you are already doing this, is to feed them both together...put both in either a high chair or booster and sit where you are next to the baby and have the older child in a chair across from you so that you can look both in the eye and talk to them. Ask questions like "do you like that cheese? good, was it fun today at school? Did you read books, etc." If you are talking to them, they will feel like they have your attention. If they both need help eating, then have 2 bowls, 2 spoons, and give one a bite, then the next a bite. The 1st one should be chewing while the 2nd gets a bite. You probably will not be able to eat at the same time as them, but again, it's only for a season. It might be nice for you and hubby to eat together when he gets home just to keep some couple time going.

But truly, the best advice I can give you is just to know that this will pass too...I remember sitting in the hallway, crying because both of my kids had woke up and were crying and I couldn't console both of them. It does get better!