Last week when I was watching the two kids on my own, my 2.5 year old daughter was sitting on my bed with me while I was feeding my four week old. Out of the blue she got up then left my room and closed the door. She then walked into her room and closed the door. When I knocked on her door, she told me not to come in, but I told her I'm going in anyways as she tried to prevent me from opening her door. After a few minutes of this, I was finally in her room where she was sitting on her bed. She then started to bawl. I don't even think she fully understood why she was acting this way, but I know that she was acting like this because she was sad that she wasn't getting my full attention. Since then, I've noticed that when it's just her, the baby, and me in the house, and she's not getting my full attention, she quietly goes to her room and closes the door behind her. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't.
This breaks my heart. When she does this, I try to talk to her about it, but she runs away from me and avoids me. I force her to let me talk to her about it, but wondering if I should give her some space? Or try something else? Or say something else? I just tell her that I love her very much, but because the baby's so small, he needs help, etc.
I feel like she resent me (when I compare how she acts towards me vs. my husband) and I'm scared that it's going to ruin the relationship/connetion I had with her. I'm sad that she thinks I prefer my newborn over her. I do my best to give her as much attention as I can and try to involve her in caring for my newborn, but I feel like I'm not doing enough/doing the right things.
You've received lots of good advice just chiming in wirh one thing : weekly mommy dates. No babies allowed. She still needs one on one time with you and this extra step of making a date out of it will make her feel so big and special to you.
This is easy. When you talk to her, instead of trying to explain to her about newborn brothers and their needs, simply mirror her feelings.
You've heard about the second wife analogy, haven't you? Your husband comes home, "Hey honey, since I love you so much I've decided that I would like to bring home a second wife. You will just love her. She will be so helpful and bring so much joy to our family. You and she can do dishes together, and knit together. Won't that be fun?"
So I want you to try this, today, and you will be surprised at the impact. The next time she goes and shuts herself in her room, follow her, sit next to her, put your arm around her, and say, "It's sad sometimes that you have a little baby brother, isn't it. It's hard when mommy gives attention to your little brother, instead of you, isn't it. Sometimes it would be nice if it was just you and mommy, like it was before, wouldn't it."
These are the things she is feeling. If you try to talk her out of her feelings, by trying to convince her of her brother's needs, and all the good things about having a baby brother, you will fail. BUT, if you mirror back to her and put words to what you think she is feeling, it will make her feel better and feel happier about her baby brother.
This is such an important and effective concept that you really need to try it. Mirroring usually feels like the opposite of what you should be doing -- that if you say things like I suggested you will cement her feelings of jealousy and abandonment, but mirroring people's feelings actually has the opposite effect.
Try it. It's the most simple, amazing technique ever. And it just about always works.
And p.s. - You will need to do this every time she has these feelings. And be sure to carve out special one-on-one time, that's just for her, without the baby. And I agree, involving her in caring for her brother is not the answer, at this point.
My daughter was much older, but this is what helped when her baby brother came along. I got her to actively help during the times baby needed me. Diaper changes, I let her get the diapers, throw the dirty one away, hand me wipes. She got the baby's blanket (and a blanket of her own that she had been sleeping with), she handed me the Boppy, she was even able to get me snacks and a drink. I let her sit beside me and 'read' a book to us, sometimes we would sing softly. She'd sometimes ask to 'pet' him so I would guide her in petting his head or his hand. It helped her realize just how small and helpless he was. I'd ask her what she thought he needed when he cried, I would remind her that he couldn't talk, that all he could do was cry and I had to guess a what he needed and that having her help was so nice. I would praise her for helping, I made a big fuss over how well she did, that it was so much nicer with her there, that is went so much faster. I made sure that right after I was done with "baby's time" that it was now "big girl" time. I painted her nails, put make-up on her. Sometimes we went out in the yard (with monitor) and played. Whatever she wanted. It really helped.
Good luck.
You've gotten a lot of good advice here. I will tell you one thing I did that helped. I got the baby pictures out from when my first one was a newborn. We had tons of pictures. He actually thought it was his little brother at first, and it surprised him a lot to realize that this was HIM, not his little brother. I told him "See how much we loved you and took good care of you? Just like we are doing with your baby brother. And look how big you have grown!! Your little brother will grow too, just like you, and you two will be able to play together! He loves you SO much and thinks you hung the moon!"
This really helped my son. I also told him that right now, all his baby brother can do is eat, sleep, cry and wait to get big enough to play. Meanwhile, big brother gets to talk to Mommy and Daddy, run and play and have fun and eat boy food.
After that, he was no longer jealous, and was very protective over his brother. I hope this might make a difference for you too.
Get the book "Your Two-Year-Old" by Louise Bates Ames for basics about how kids her age think and feel and react.
This is absolutely normal and to be expected. Please do not eat yourself up with thinking you have "ruined" your relationship with her. She is simply learning to navigate a huge change to her world. If you and dad both carve out time JUST for her alone, with baby out of the picture being cared for by the other parent, that will help. Please be aware that her adjustment will go on for a very long time and that you cannot really do much -- other than give her some one on one attention -- that will help her through it.
I know you want to "involve her in caring for" her new sibling but I would be careful not to overdo that. She is already well aware the baby isn't a baby doll that she and you can put aside when she's done playing helper. She may be feeling overwhelmed by the baby's presence. If she initiates touching or talking to the baby, that's great, and do have her help in little ways with lots of praise when she does. But don't push it on her, or repeatedly ask her to do this or that for you if she's not up for it.
Also, do let her have some space. Don't force her to talk to you about it. Don't pursue her to her room and insist she let you in and have a discussion. That is all pretty overwhelming to her at this young age. Think about this: It is actually a very good thing that she quietly goes to her room on her own. She is not yelling, having tantrums, slamming doors, storming off. Let her have some time alone before you go to her -- without the baby in your arms, put baby down or hand him over to dad first -- and instead of trying to get her to talk about her feelings (which she doesn't fully understand yet anyway), do something with her right then; get down on the floor and play with her or ask her to come to the kitchen and help make dinner or whatever.
I would avoid, for now, a lot of "You're such a big girl" or "You're being such a grown-up girl" or references to how she's a big sister now. Those things sound sweet to an adult but in her mind she will hear "You're no longer my baby" though you don't mean that. But it's her perspective that matters. She may even regress a bit -- wanting to cling to you more, talking in a more babyish way if she's already a good talker, or even having potty training problems if she was on track with potty training. These kinds of regressions are not unusual in some kids -- it is her way of being the baby again. Don't overreact if she does regress in some ways; don't push her to "be a big girl" etc. but let it go and don't focus too much on it. It will pass.
If she is acting sweeter or clingier toward daddy, it's because she knows you spend all day with baby nearby but daddy comes home new and fresh each night and he hasn't been spending all day with the baby. Again, this is normal. Most kids go through phases of being clingier with one parent than with the other, and it's not a sign that you are doing anything wrong or she is hating you and the baby now.
Please get some good parenting books that describe kids' ages and stages and you'll see that what she's doing is normal, and you need to stop trying to do and say so much or trying to explain all the time that the baby needs more help. That will only make her feel, again, that's she's no longer your baby -- and that's what she has to adjust to. It takes time, and may take a long time, but don't beat yourself up over what is an expected stage for an older sibling.
Awe....you're doing a good job. ♥ This is all very normal.
I would just say to give her some undivided time, engaging her in whatever she's doing, without the baby. Perhaps 20 minutes uninterrupted during baby's naptime. It doesn't seem like much time, but it does make a big difference. You don't have to do anything special or complicated, just sit down and join her in play and listen to her talk.
You aren't ruining anything. Your relationship is going to grow and change and develop. Enjoy it.
Make time for just Mommy and daughter. Even if it just a half hour to leave the house and go get ice cream or to shop with you. Even though my kids are now 5 and 7 we still have Mommy and one kid dates. It meant the world to my daughter to have just her and Mommy time after our son was born. She felt so important when she got to do things with just me.
It was really hard to do, but I also learned that sometimes, big sister needed to come before baby. When both kids were crying, it was instinct to go to baby first. But I tried to always comfort big sister first, because she needed to know that I still loved her and that she was just as important.
Congrats on your new baby!!
You need to give her time. She wasn't expecting to "lose" her mom. And that's how she feels most likely, that she's lost her mom because all of your attention is devoted to your son.
Why not ask her to HELP YOU?? Ask for her help in changing his diapers - like handing you a new one? Or handing you a wipe?
She might resent her baby brother as well if you can't get her involved. I don't know. I'm not a therapist. But YOU MUST make time for her too. Whether it be going out for ice cream and daddy takes care of the baby or you two play a game while he is napping.
Good luck!!
This is a hard adjustment for everyone :-(.
Do you have family that could watch the newborn while you and your daughter have alone time? Or maybe when dady gets home he takes newborn?
When my daughter was born I made a 'big brother basket'. I wrapped a bunch of cheap gifts ( coloring books, hot wheels cars, etc) in a basket. I think having them wrapped was the secret :-).
Each Wednesday and/or Friday the boys got to pick one item from the basket for being 'such good big brothers' and 'mommy's helper'...etc. lots of positive reinforcement and praise. I told them it was from their sister bc she knew how hard it was to share mommy. The loved it. I think I did this for six weeks and then everyone had adjusted ok.
We were under a lot of financial and emotional stress at the time of her birth, then adding a newborn, lack of sleep, and no family help...This was my survival plan and it worked.
I know some people also have a momma's helper (younger girl/high schoolgirl) come over for an hour or two 1-2 days a week to help with newborn or play with the older child.
Hang in there. Before you know it it'll be you answering this question sharing how you survived :-).
I saw this advice on here around the time that my second was born and I think it really helped, when you are with the baby and your oldest wants your help with something, you will automatically tell her that you will help her when your done with the baby, you need to make sure that you do the same with your older daughter and when the baby cries, tell the baby you will help her when you are done helping your oldest. The baby won't understand but it will help your oldest daughter understand that they each have to wait sometimes.
Going to her room for some quiet time to work through feelings actually shows an emotional maturity beyond that of a typical 2.5 year old.
Next time, so long as she is safe, don't barge in on her. Talk to her about things when you're not currently caring for the baby.
If she's open to it, ask her to help you when you need help. When you can leave baby with dad, do something with just your older child without allowing interruption.
I never had a baby and a toddler, my older one was four when my younger kid was born. But here are a couple of things:
If the baby fussed (not actual crying but just fussing), I would say, "I'm sorry, Ian, you need to wait. I'm busy doing _________ with K right now." Of course, the baby didn't understand me, but the 4 year old heard loud and clear who was being put first right then, whose needs or wants were being met first.
If you are at home with the baby and the toddler, were you at home fulltime with the 2 year old before? I am wondering whether you are spending any time alone with her now that the baby has been born? I realize that time away from a 4 week old may be hard to get, but if you have a grandparent or other relative to come over a couple of times a week and care for the baby while you do something alone with the toddler - baking cookies, doing a craft, going out for ice cream, that can help. Or if you have a spouse/partner, you can have an outing on the weekends. Even if you're breastfeeding, if you time it so that you feed the baby just before the handoff, you're probably good for an hour and a half or two hours. Once the baby is bigger, and you're comfortable with a babysitter, don't hesitate to use one in order to have some time just with your 2 year old.
Nothing makes you feel like chopped liver more than an attention stealing baby sibling.
Make sure she gets some quality time every day.
She can't have your full attention ALL the time anymore (neither can the baby) but it's going to take her some time (a few more months) to adjust to not being the baby of the family anymore.
If you think this is bad - just wait about a year till the baby is more mobile and getting into her stuff.
That's a whole other adjustment.
You need to make time for just the 2 of you. I know it can be hard but she really needs this. After dinner, have dad take the baby so you can have alone time with her. Do an art project or read to her. Take a bath with her. Hold her like a baby and tell her she is your favorite oldest baby.
I took a similar tactic as Doris Day. My son wasn't as upset as your daughter, I don't think, but I did have a conversation with him about his baby sister not being able to do all the things he could right now, that she was helpless--like he once was-- but I took it another step further. I told him that while HE was an infant, he had my total undivided attention to care for his needs. But his sister would NEVER have that... b/c she had a big brother from the time she was born (him!) and so she would only ever know sharing us with him.
I seriously doubt he recalls that conversation now (he's 16 and she's 13) but we've never had any sibling issues (beyond the typical, occasional ones when they were learning to work out compromises with each other, or moody). They are great friends and enjoy each other's company.
Have you tried engaging your daughter when you are feeding the baby? I know it seems challenging at first, but you could have her sit next to you and you could read to her while you feed the baby at the same time. Baby won't care.
