So Are All Men Really "Wired" Different??? LOL

If you find out, let me know. Reading this it was like I wrote it! Sometimes I feel like I have two children instead of just one.

Don't give up.

When my DS was 6 months old I went back to work for a few months to finish up some projects before becoming a SAHM. My DH was able to take bonding leave for that time to stay home with the baby.

At first when I would get home I had the same mentality as my DH did after our DS was born = he worked and I took care of the house and the baby. It was so frustrating to me because as you said, a SAHM’s job is 24/7. Basically I would get home from work and fall on the couch and expect DH to keep at it!

Well, the first week I was at work my DH looked like a train wreck! He called me at work that Friday and finally admitted that he had NO idea how much work it was to stay home and all he wanted to do was have my quit! Mind you that was just with 1 baby at home, not 2.

That afternoon as I was telling my co-worker about this she said very compassionately that when I got home that night to walk right over and take the baby and give my DH a break. She said while we are at work working we are also socializing, taking breaks to get coffee and going out to lunch. We can even go to the bathroom in peace. She reminded me of what is was like when I was home that first 6 months.

That night my DH and I finally realized what it was like to have the shoe on the other foot. From that day forward I stayed home and my DH has taken over about 25% of the household chores and gives me time for ME. We both had a newfound respect for each other =-)

Sometime it takes something like that for the working parent to realize exactly how much work it is to be a SAHP.

Yes, they ARE wired differently. They need very specific directions. You will HAVE to ask, they will NOT offer. There's different reasons for that, but it's all the same outcome.

You can't just throw out an abstract request. That 'whenever you get a chance' or' there's no hurry' kind of thing.

You will have to say....
(Kindly, and it helps if you TOUCH him in some way while you're asking) Babe, can you go out on the next commercial and pick the grill up?

They don't 'Get It' they don't even SEE the things that need to be done like you do.

And frankly, if they DID, they'd be just like US, and we wouldn't like them that way anyway!!!

(I say these things with confidence, but like you I get pissed and frustrated sometimes too!)

:)

I think you might have answered part of your own question without realizing it.
You, yourself have let something sit for 2 weeks thinking, "why should I deal with it when I do everything else?"
I think a lot of times husbands feel the same way.
"I get up, get dressed, go out, put up with a boss and other people all day, have the stress of earning an income and then I get home to someone who doesn't have to even go anywhere but wants more out of me. What's the big deal about the grill if it bothers her? Why should I have to pick it up?"
Neither of you are wrong, you're just seeing things from your own perspectives and not looking at things from the other's point of view.
This is a common issue. You need to communicate without sounding like you're nagging. Nothing is ever 50/50. It just isn't.
Tell your husband how much you appreciate him and how much it would help if he just picked up after himself. Find ways to do things together.
I knew the most wonderful couple. They were married for 60 years and they washed and dried the dishes together every single night of their married life.
Obviously if one was sick or something, the other stepped up, but they built a marriage on something as simple as the dishes. That's when they had their time after dinner to talk about their day and be close and flirt or talk about what was on the schedule for the next day. Even when their kids were old enough to help as teenagers, the kids only did the dishes on the weekends as a chore or they all helped on holidays, etc. But the dishes was a sacred ritual.
My point is that even the most mundane of things can become a way to bond as opposed to being a chore.
Don't fight with your husband. Approach things from this type of angle and he will likely look more forward to helping you.
No offense to anyone, but don't dwell on the "I am never off the clock" thing.
No mom is ever off the clock. It's not that kind of job. That's what we take on. Yes, our husbands should help us. But we can't get into comparing how many diapers get changed and how many snotty noses get wiped. It's not a contest or about keeping count of things.
The main thing is to get into a routine. And, from what I see from many of my friends' marriages is that men do better when they feel needed as opposed to being told what to do. My sister's husband came close to leaving her because even though he worked she had lists of things for him to do every single day when he got home from work. I love my sister, but she was overboard. She felt that since she was home and did the laundry, the cleaning, the shopping, took care of the bills and the kid and the errands during the day, it was only fair that when he got home he replace the furnace filters, clean the gutters, shop vac behind the dryer, change the oil on the cars, get on a ladder and clean the sky lights....
I'm not saying YOU are doing that, but her attitude that since she was never off the "clock" he wasn't going to be either, really almost ended her marriage.
I used to have this hanging in my kitchen. I like what it says and even your 2.5 year old isn't too young for the simple concepts.
Working together as a couple and as a family is a beautiful thing.

Best wishes!

House Rules

If you sleep on it....make it up
If you wear it...hang it up
If you drop it...pick it up
If you dirty it...wash it
If you open it...close it
If you empty it...fill it up
If you turn it on...turn it off
If you borrow it...bring it back
If it howls...feed it
If it cries...love it.

There is no truly SOUND science to show that men have any significantly different "wiring" than women (lots of pop science and books by "experts" but none of them are neurobiologists). We spend a lot of $ looking for differences in the brain and so we find some...but I personally think this is pointless. We don't really know what these differences mean so we postulate "Oh, THIS is the reason for this and that and the other gender-specific behavior" when in fact, plenty of us with perfectly normal brains don't fit these molds.

What I think is - men get a pass in many cultures, including ours, early on, with helping with SO MANY things - that they learn that it's OK to ignore work or do half a job. Hey, after all, they are adding value just by being male (it's subtle, but that cultural message exists). Plus they are taught to shut down their emotions, which means they are often not taught empathy. So MANY women and men LEARN to behave very differently.

My own husband is a SAHD, and he LEARNING many of these things. I still do a HECK OF A LOT with the house and kids, but based on my experience, with all of the men I have known in my life, I'd say anything he doesn't do or doesn't "see" is was because he didn't have to do a DARN THING for himself growing up - he didn't clean, cook, do laundry, or even PICK UP BEHIND HIMSELF. He mowed the lawn. But so did I - plus all the other stuff, which, I believe, is part of learning self-care. He also, clearly, never had to finish his work to get praise....

I know some mean who are GREAT at cooking, cleaning, and communication. Most of them have SEVERAL older sisters, and were raised in a setting where everyone pitched in - without chores being doles out by sex.

BUT - my rant aside - I think your real question was how to get through to your husband? Given that he seems to have had the same training as my husband (and my Dad, I might add), I suggest being as DIRECT as possible, and cheerfully have a few of these exchanges:

Him: "What's to eat?"
You: "I don't know - what did you make us?"

Good luck!

And by the way - I have three SONS. I believe God gave me sons for a reason - the 6 year old is all ready a pretty good cook and can talk about his feelings. : )

I usually take out the garbage b/c he forgets, but my husband helps with dishes, folds and puts away laundry, cooks about 50% of the dinners, give the kids baths, picks up toys as soon as he gets home from work, cuts the kids nails, mops the floors, tucks them in at night and brushes their teeth, spends tons of time playing and reading with them and helps them with homework.

We share an equal amount of time with taking care of the home and boys. I am obviously here more, so do more during the day but he is a huge help!!!

I'm lucky b/c he understands that the burden of keeping a home and children is both of ours. he does these things because he wants to help and show his appreciation for me, which makes it easier for me to show my appreciation for him.

When I had my first child, I had severe carpel tunnel and couldn't even pick the baby up. My husband did all the baby work.

It's nice for us, because we do chores together, it's our time to talk and work together, then the home is clean and pleasant and we have the rest of the evening to hang out. You all just have to sit down, come up with a chore chart or something and decide what you need help with, and how it rewards the whole family when he helps.

i'm sure my husband at times feels the same way you do, but in addition to the only bread winner of the house, i am also going to school. he had a sit down with me and explained that he feels like he's doing more than he should around the house...we exchanged our feelings and thought up of a "chore system" that we can agree on....give it a shot

I think a lot of it has to do with the way we communicate. I have to sit down with my husband and spell it out for him- really!!!! It can't just be, " I need help with cleaning the house" because I will get, "okay" and he continues watching the game or being on the computer. I have to say, "hey honey, I really need your help right now, could you please take out the trash? or clean up the bathroom for me?"
He is getting better at helping out around the house when I am stressed and I don't have to ask so much any more- unless he is really distracted with work. I had to learn that "watching the kids" to him was totally different then my opinion of "watching the kids". If I am at home with the kids, they help me clean, I help with their homework, we read together and do crafts and cook and they will play. When he is watching the kids, he will play a video game and all the kids will watch him, or he will turn on a movie for them if he has stuff to do online, or they will all go outside and play some made up tag game(the kids love that one!) but the house is usually more messy, the kids more dirty- but they are all more happy- by the time I get home. He doesn't like changing the baby- so he will bribe our 10 yr old to do it! :)
So, if you really want him to help- sit him down and let him know exactly what you would like him to help with(be nice about it or you won't get very far) Looks and sighs don't come across so well when you are trying to get help!
~C.

All men are wired different,( think some of them had their circuit breakers pop off, but, ... lol). You are being taken for granted, intentionally or not. Most men have no idea what it takes to run a household and take care of kids. I'd have a heart to heart with him, remind him marraige is a partnership and you are both parents of the children , he needs to start acting like he is. Suggest that maybe he do bath time every other night while you do dishes and vice versa. Do this with other chores as well. Both of the children will benefit so much from all this, don't tell him ,but he may even find it rewarding,... lol. Lots of guys don't get it because they were raised with the old role model myths, a woman's job, vs a man's job.
Sometimes they don't deal with children well for lack of knowing what to do or how to do it or not being any good at it, so they feel inferior, tell him practice makes perfect ! If he still doesn't put forth any effort to help out, go on strike for a few days and see what his reaction is, (don't neglect the kids, but, let other things go. Put off laundry a little longer than usual, don't pick up all the glasses sitting around,. You get the idea, be patient within reason and remind him you are his wife, not his mama and you refuse to raise your kids with the mentality that everything falls on a woman. If you work together there will also be more family time and you might even be able to work out a date night for the two of you. You know the ole saying walk a mile in my shoes, well,... he needs to try yours on ! He may have a job outside of the home but, he does live there and " it's time to wake up and make the coffee ". ! Give encouragement and hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised, if not he'd be on his own about laundry, work papers etc,.... Best of Luck with " his retraining", lol CathyS.

I heard a comedian the other day saying that men are really simple creatures. They want to eat, sleep, poop, and have sex! Funny and true at the same time. They are very simple and sometimes that is what is great and fantastic about them. Unfortunately, I have seen very few men who would be able to stay home and take on the role as caregiver, cook, doctor, seamstress, housekeeper etc. An open line of communication is always a plus. I feel like people in general will take another for granted if the job is getting done. You are doing the job and he sees no reason to interfere in what is being done right.

I know this is going to sound crazy, and this statement is just an analysis, so please do not get upset over it...but I think the problem is US, WE, WOMEN, MOMS, sisters, girlfriends, etc.

We are the ones who train them from birth that they should only do MANLY things, then they grow up and we SERVE them because it is our "duty", then we let them get away with stuff because we are superwomen, then they become adults and get married and suddenly after living all their lives being pampered, we expect them to change. I do know they are not women and should not think or act like women (nurturing and details, etc) but in a busy world like now, it doesn't hurt if they lift a muscle every now and then.

Don't nag, it makes it worse. Make a list of things to be done and ask him which he would like to be in charge of doing. Good luck

There are a few things about most men (I say most becuase there are some exceptions - but I'm not married to one) that are vastly different than women. 1 - they don't really care about the condition of the house or their clothing. They can sit in the midst of a giant mess and as long as the game is on the large screen TV they are happy. 2 - They have two basic emotions - summed up by their motto: "I'm either hungry or horny". If he doesn't want sex he wants a sandwich. There is little complexity with them. 3 - being a parent doesn't cure their selfishness. We're all selfish creatures but for most (not all) women, having a baby cures it. We become completely very selfless for our kids. I don' know why - but it doesn't seem to happen to dads as quickly. Even my pastor once told me that he's not sure exactly why - but he said "we men are so selfish"... It does eventually happen that dads become less selfish - but not to the same degree as moms. I think it's our culture of cultivating boys to become bigger boys and not men. Look at most TV shows - the dad all play dolts who need to be mothered by their wives - or they're playboy characters. Where are the role models? 4 - Most men do not feel bonded with their kids until they can talk, roll a ball around, - do stuff. While my husband loved to have the the kids sleep on his chest when they were newborns he really didn't know what to do with them until they were toddlers and could talk, run around, wrestle around on the floor, etc.

Since they have so few role models it seems a lot of generation X and Y men don't really embrace the value of supporting their wife & kids. They grew up in the era that women would do it all and they could be "grown-up teenagers" for the rest of their life.

BUT - it does get better - although it never seems to get equal. I have heard about situations out there where it is equal - but I think it's just a rumor (grin). Our kids are now teens - my husband is a 1,000% better than he was when they were little. He'll do the yard work without me asking - he'll do the garbage now without me asking. It's all about expectations and praise. I'll sit with him on Firday night or Saturday morning and discuss plans for the weekend - family obligations, where we need to be for kids events, what chorse we need to get done, etc. We discuss who needs to do what. I know it's not fair - no one praises us when we do the laundry or grocery shop - but the bottom line is that they do perform better and more frequently when you tell them what a great job they did or how much you appreciate that he filled the dishwasher.

I don't really have any other advice except to learn how to relax your standards if you can. let the kids wear mismatch PJ's - let the toys pile up. Try to get away from the hosue & kids at least for a day, with your husband taking care of the kids and let him see how selfless being a mom of two little ones can really be.

This is just a season in your life - it won't last forever. It's always tough when the kids are little - they can't be left alone for even a minute - and it's jsut exhasuting for moms. But you'll get through it - I promise.

My husband is awesome with the house stuff, and some of the stuff with my son, but really it is me that is more like your husband. We both work full time, but I leave the house at the same time as my husband, get home after him, but since I have daycare pickup and drop off, he gets more hours in a day and has fridays off at 11am! When I come home, I am kid focused, he is house focused. I don't feel like I do much around the house, but he also seems to have this system in his head and I really wouldn't even know where to start other than the obvious.

I think that the chore chart is a great idea. It sounds like he tries, but falls off the wagon, so the chart may help him stay on track. During your next talk, see if he is willing to give it a try. Benefit for him...less nagging.

I know what you're saying. But I don't expect my husband to read my mind, and I don't expect to be able to read his. We talk to each other. We have a fairly equitable division of labor. That took time to establish. Like, I refuse to take out the garbage. To me, that is "his" job. He will never change sheets. To him, that is "my" job.

When I need help or want to change something, I talk to him. I tell him what I need. Maybe the kids are sick and I need him to do the dishes or a load of laundry. He is usually happy to help. Say I'm sick - he steps it up and handles things. Granted, this took time and communication.

We're still working on it. Sometimes I just want to scream, "I'm not your slave!" :D

My DH does the same thing and Im feeling the same way. Have a talk with him. Just cuz we are SAHM doesnt mean MAID!

you always have to make it worth his while ... we clean off after cleaning up in the shower together ... put a movie on for kiddo and that is his reward for a clean up well done!
Really our routine is I pick up during the week and he helps with the heavy cleaning ... carpets/floors/tile that kind of stuff on Sat/Sun... during the week he is to take out the trash and keep the kiddo destracted while I clean up after dinner works for us!

So sorry to hear your husband is taking you for granted. I think a lot of husbands of SAHMs are like that. I think they feel their wife's job is to take care of the house and kids. I agree that it's very unfair since they get to quit working at the end of the work day and SAHMs do not. If constantly talking about it is not getting through to him then maybe you can compromise and have him spend one afternoon on a weekend day with the kids while you get some "me time." That's not too much to ask! Good luck!

i would definitely talk to him. i'm a SAHM also. my husband works overnights so he's tired a lot. he's not good with babies as far as "bonding", but he does much better with them both now that he's older. it could be that your husband just doesn't know what to do with the baby because he's so small? my husband doesn't do anything either, unless i ask him to do it. and then with certain things it takes a long time for it to get done. we used to have a deal (don't know what happended to it :)) but when i would do dishes after dinner, he would give the kids a bath (they were older 1 & 3), but now that they are older they give themselves a shower or i shower with them. he will take out the trash if i ask, but it's quicker if i do it. he doesn't and has never done laundry since we got married, he will cook sometimes, i will do dishes and then he comes in behind me and puts a dish in the sink. i guess basically what i'm saying is that we can't expect them to know what needs to be done if we are stewing about what they don't do. i know that i have to talk to my husband about once a year, and say "hey, i know you work, and i don't expect you to do much because that's my job, but could you do ____?) and he always tells me, "i don't know unless you tell me." so now i do. if you're busy with the baby, and the floor needs to be vaccuumed or trash taken out, say "can you do it?" i'm busy with the baby. chances are he will

Ask for help. Each time you need it.
If husband does anything around the house, praise him for it like it was a diamond ring he gave you.
The mess probably doesn't boather him, so he doesn't bother picking it up. He is not inconsiderate, just untrained.
My sister was a SAHM and she used to gripe that her hubby never cut her a break, so she got a job in the evenings so hubby would have to do the bedtime routine with the kids and such and it worked wonders. He got to see her world and she got a little taste of his and it helped both of them to appreciate the other.
I never had the luxury of staying home with my kids, but I did do pretty much everything around the house because my husband worked out of state.
Now the kids are teenagers and hubby is home more and he piches in , but nobody's perfect and I have to constantly remind myself that just because he does things differently than I do , it is not necessarily wrong. We have learned how to "shift" from mom mode to dad mode and back again depending on whether or not he is home or traveling.

You speak different languages.
He doesn't understand what you want.
His brain is hardwired in such a way
that the kinds of things you'd like him to do are invisible to him.

He certainly doesn't understand
why you keep asking him to do certain things.

Marriage counseling?

Bring in a part-time helper?

Make some very detailed, step-by-step instructions
of procedures of what you want him to do.

Also, when you can, Google "mrriage enrichment"
and/or "marriage encouter" and see
if there are any weekend workshops in your area.

Assuming you're breastfeeding, you may not be able to take advantage
of one of these workshops until later. But this is readly worth experiencing. IMO.

Looking forward to reading some of the answers

He really needs to bond with the kids and be a Parent. Tell him you're working 24/7 and write down all the things you do Include every little thing, get up with baby two times a night, clean the microwave once a week, clean out the fridge, put on the coffee, take a week to write this up so he gets and idea. Tell him you feel you need to take better care of yourself so you will be a better mom and wife. Then start doing it. Dont drag two kids to the grocery store, go in the evenings all by yourself while he babysits. just do it. later in the week call him and ask him to pick up a few (3) things you've run out of on his way home from work, or something from the drugstore. Another night a week go out by your self (or with the baby if breastfeeding) hang out at the library or bookstore or your friends house or mom's and relax. while he again puts the child or children to bed. I told my husband if he cant help with the laundry, even carrying it up the stairs then he could do his own laundry He still couldn't remember to carry the laundry up the stairs I had to make two trips one with the baby and one with the laundry. So now he does his own laundry, it took a while but he has mastered it, and I do mine and the little ones and the sheets and towels. If he wants clean clothes he does his laundry.
The more he does some chores and takes care of the kids the more he will understand what you do. Be careful not to criticize what he does, if he puts them to bed in mismatched clothes, or loads the dishwasher differently or lets them stay up a tiny bit later. Praise him and tell him you feel better every time he helps. Don't feel guilty! You will be doing the best thing for him an the kids. Research show the more men help around the house and help raise their kids, the happier, healthier and more successful at work they are - look it up! If you were both working full time he wouldn't be relaxing so much in the evenings, would he? You decided to stay home with the kids for their sake, right? not so his life would be easier. Make him a better parent have faith that he can do it and help him to do it!!