Sleep Training

4 months is too early!! Experts say not to start before 6 months of age! Pediatricians are not sleep experts or parenting experts - they are medical doctors - and should not be giving this kind of advice in my opinion. Denise C has wonderful thoughts on the issue and I couldn't say it better myself.

Personally, 4 months is too young...wait until about 8 or so before you go whichever "sleep training" route you choose. Good luck.

I have to say, with my son, it never worked...we tried and tried and he would just sit in his crib and scream at us...we gave up.

He's now three and puts himself to sleep just fine, has slept through the night for I don't know how long, so I don't think we did him any harm...just go with what feels right to you. For us, listening to him scream didn't feel right.

-M

http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNee...

Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
By Alvin Powell
Contributing Writer

America's "let them cry" attitude toward children may lead to more fears and tears among adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers.

Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they'll feel safe, according to Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry.

The pair examined childrearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds -- even separate rooms -- and not responding quickly to their cries may lead to incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders when these children reach adulthood.

The early stress resulting from separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller.

"Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently," Commons said. "It changes the nervous system so they're overly sensitive to future trauma."

The Harvard researchers' work is unique because it takes a cross-disciplinary approach, examining brain function, emotional learning in infants, and cultural differences, according to Charles R. Figley, director of the Traumatology Institute at Florida State University and editor of The Journal of Traumatology.

"It is very unusual but extremely important to find this kind of interdisciplinary and multidisciplinary research report," Figley said. "It accounts for cross-cultural differences in children's emotional response and their ability to cope with stress, including traumatic stress."

Figley said Commons and Miller's work illuminates a route of further study and could have implications for everything from parents' efforts to intellectually stimulate infants to practices such as circumcision.

Commons has been a lecturer and research associate at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry since 1987 and is a member of the Department's Program in Psychiatry and the Law.

Miller has been a research associate at the School's Program in Psychiatry and the Law since 1994 and an assistant professor of psychology at Salem State College since 1993. She received master's and doctorate degrees in human development from the Graduate School of Education.

The pair say that American childrearing practices are influenced by fears that children will grow up dependent. But they say that parents are on the wrong track: physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own.

"We've stressed independence so much that it's having some very negative side effects," Miller said.

The two gained the spotlight in February when they presented their ideas at the American Association for the Advancement of Science's annual meeting in Philadelphia.

Commons and Miller, using data Miller had worked on that was compiled by Robert A. LeVine, Roy Edward Larsen Professor of Education and Human Development, contrasted American childrearing practices with those of other cultures, particularly the Gusii people of Kenya. Gusii mothers sleep with their babies and respond rapidly when the baby cries.

"Gusii mothers watching videotapes of U.S. mothers were upset by how long it took these mothers to respond to infant crying," Commons and Miller said in their paper on the subject.

The way we are brought up colors our entire society, Commons and Miller say. Americans in general don't like to be touched and pride themselves on independence to the point of isolation, even when undergoing a difficult or stressful time.

Despite the conventional wisdom that babies should learn to be alone, Miller said she believes many parents "cheat," keeping the baby in the room with them, at least initially. In addition, once the child can crawl around, she believes many find their way into their parents' room on their own.

American parents shouldn't worry about this behavior or be afraid to baby their babies, Commons and Miller said. Parents should feel free to sleep with their infant children, to keep their toddlers nearby, perhaps on a mattress in the same room, and to comfort a baby when it cries.

"There are ways to grow up and be independent without putting babies through this trauma," Commons said. "My advice is to keep the kids secure so they can grow up and take some risks."

Besides fears of dependence, the pair said other factors have helped form our childrearing practices, including fears that children would interfere with sex if they shared their parents' room and doctors' concerns that a baby would be injured by a parent rolling on it if the parent and baby shared the bed. Additionally, the nation's growing wealth has helped the trend toward separation by giving families the means to buy larger homes with separate rooms for children.

The result, Commons and Miller said, is a nation that doesn't like caring for its own children, a violent nation marked by loose, nonphysical relationships.

"I think there's a real resistance in this culture to caring for children," Commons said. But "punishment and abandonment has never been a good way to get warm, caring, independent people."

I went through this with my daughter (who is now 9). I tried everything routine, letting her cry etc. Nothing worked!!!! After weeks of letting her cry it out (like you for 30-60 minutes)or more, I gave up. I realized that she wasnt ready to go to sleep on her own or to sleep through the night. I asked myself is that so wrong? No it isn't! Everyone (I believe) will do things when they are ready. I am proud to say that by the time she was a year old she was going to bed on her own and sleeping through. You just have to be patient and know that when he is ready he will do it. I once had a Kindergarden Teacher tell me "Trust me, she wont do this forever. She wont be a teenager still crying for you". That is Totally True! They grow up so fast let them take their time. The time will come TOO Quickly that they don't want you at all. Well hopefully not that they don't want you but you know what I mean. Anyways....go with your gut and let your son be a Happy four month old baby!! Do what you feel is right, just because a Dr. someone tells you something is right dosen't mean it is right for Everyone or for YOUR SON!

C.,

CIO (cry it out) doesn't work for every baby and frankly 4 months old is awfully young for this kind of sleep training. My first son, I tried CIO twice and each time he got so upset he vomited (he was around 8 months old at the time) and I gave up. Puking all over yourself doesn't exactly make for a restful bedtime. And I'm just not a fan of letting my kids scream themselves to sleep. Different kids and different parents have different tolerances for stuff. I'd say if your baby is still crying for half an hour plus each night, he's just simply not developmentally ready to put himself to sleep. If it were me, I'd give up and then maybe try again later. All I can say is that you are stronger than I am. I could never listen to my kids cry for that long.

For the record, my first son is now 4.5 and my second son is 19 months old. Even though I've always "helped" them to sleep any time they've needed it and never did any strict sleep training, both of them are more than capable of getting themselves to sleep on their own. Not doing CIO certainly won't ruin them for life or prevent them from learning to get to sleep on their own.

T.

Hi C.,

there are differing beliefs about the whole sleep issue with children and sometimes strong feelings associated with the various methods. I happen to be a person with pretty strong feelings in this area, for sure when it comes to my own kids. I don't judge others, but it's hard for me to hear about little ones crying this way, especially ones as young as yours. I am surprised that your pediatrician would give such advice. I prefer that the doctors let us make our own decisions regarding sleep and nursing and the like.

For me, I think about the fact that babies are in our tummies all safe and warm and cozy for nine months and then suddenly they're out and trying to deal with the world. In the beginning and for quite some time they cannot do much and have very limited ways of communicating any needs and discomfort, pain, hunger, etc. I imagine a brand new baby coming from the attachment to its mother and then, BOOM, being put alone in a big room and big crib and left to themselves with no way to say something is wrong or they are scared or cold or hot or whatever other than to cry. My personal belief on the crying it out method is that they will eventually stop crying not because they have learned to sleep on their own but because they just get tired out and/or give up because they realize it's hopeless and they are helpless.

It seems if your baby is still crying after this many days and for that long that he needs something from you. There are other ways to work on getting him to sleep better if you are set on doing that now at this age. There are things such as co-sleeping or giving it a much shorter time and then picking him up to /patting him and trying again. Have you researched the Dr. Sears method? Or heard of others? There are books and I am sure online you get lots of info on different ideas.

Hope this is helpful to you.

Hi C.: One mother here,stated that she believed,having her baby cry herself to sleep, and now sleeping from 7pm to 7am (A GIFT OF SLEEP) Yeah....A GIFT TO HER) That poor baby goes 12 hours without feeding,so mommy doesn't have to get up for a thing.I don't believe in crying it out or sleep training. In my opinion, its a technique that some mother came up with years ago, who should have thought before she became pregnant.You can't tell me,that in 12 hours, A baby,doesn't become hungry,and has'nt been lying there in A soaked diaper,for lord knows how long.A baby cries for a reason....This is their way to communicate with you.In my opinion, If you ignore them,then you are neglecting your responsibilities as a nurturer, and a mother.The best to you C.. ( And to tammy,How about practicing what you preach? This is a forum,not an open gallery for you to post your personal disatisfactions of the forums responses or censor what we write here..Thats what the private messages are intended for.I'm ashamed for you to.

Your baby is crying because he is helpless and alone. He feels instinctively that he is in great peril, because for most of human history he would have been indeed were his cries to go so long unheeded: of predators, starvation, dehydration, suffocation, exposure.

It is only in the relatively recent past that we have come to expect babies to adhere to our expectations of going "off-duty" as parents at night.

Pick up your baby and bring him into your bed. Let him feel your heartbeat and smell you and know when he stirs in his sleep that his protectors are close and that his feelings matter.

Be patient as you learn to deal with waking up when you don't want to, which you will. Understand that this is part of what you signed on for, that with the beautiful baby moments come the tough times, and that both will disappear all too soon.

Doctors have their place. But just a couple generations ago, women were taught that it was the status quo to have their babies under general anaesthesia and that formula was nutritionally superior to breast milk. In a couple more generations, "sleep training," "Ferberizing," "crying it out" -- these will be on the "why did we ever do that" list.

Trust your instincts, Mama!

Please stop! Pediatricians do not always know best. Sleep training is not just selfish, it is downright harmful. Babies were not designed to sleep through the night. Feed your baby when he is hungry at night. You are the one who needs the sleep training. :0) It isn't easy at first, losing that full nights sleep, but you are a mommy now and you life will never be as it once was. Enjoy the nighttime feedings, know that they will not last forever. A HUGE thank you to the mommy who posted the article about the Harvard research.

Your baby is not a dog. Would you like to be left alone helpless and crying and wondering if anyone heard you? Your pediatrician is assuming that your baby is crying just for attention. Even if it were true, and it may not be, is that so bad? What does your mother instinct tell you? I never ever let my kids cry, and they slept through the night from early ages. They are confident, independent young adults, very affectionate. Your baby has individual needs for food, sleep and comfort. All you are training your baby to is that it is a cold cruel world. Crying is communication. Find out what your baby is saying in the only language he knows now.

A. Dunev, PhD

don't just do what your pediatrician tells you...do what you feel is best for yourself and your baby. I personally would never be able to let my son cry it out. i don't think it's good for the baby and also not good for myself...my heart or my sanity. we co-sleep, even though our pediatrician was against it but it's worked wonderfully for our family. just do what you think is best for your family and in the meantime, give your baby a big hug and kiss!!!

OMG...pick that baby up and hug him and let him know he is safe! Four months is too young to let a baby cry for any length of time. He has needs and can only express it through his crying. And fire your pediatrician.

Why does everyone think that parenting is supposed to be convenient for us adults? That a baby should fit so nicely into our world (so we can sleep, go out, etc.)? It's a baby. It's new to world and has needs. We're the ones who are supposed to suck it up and change our lives for them to grow and thrive. Even if it means no sleep for the first year or so!

If I were you, I'd stop the sleep training and look for a new doctor. At any rate, don't let him cry for 30 minutes. Even Ferber himself has recently said that babies shouldn't be left to cry for longer than 5 or 10 minutes.
When he cries, he gets less oxygen, his stress level goes way up, and he may even throw up.
Go pick up your baby! He wants cuddles!

Here's a start to some research you may do: http://www.mothering.com/search.html?cx=01392352589559091...

it's unfortunate that your pediatrician recommended you sleep train so early. the rule of thumb is 5 months, 15 pounds. the reason there is an age recommendation is that at 4 months, your child doesn't understand the concept of "object permanence." In other words, when you leave the room, he doesn't get it that you still exist. In my opinion (which isn't expert, but I am a psychotherapist and my training and education did include infant development), 5 months is still too early to understand object permanence. any sleep book you buy (written by the experts) will tell you 4 months is too early. This is probably why he is still crying himself to sleep. I'm sorry to say that I think you've been mislead.

Honestly, I don't understand why the cry-it-out method is so popular, considering you can "sleep train" your child simply by discontinuing night feedings (again, at 15 pounds and 5 months). You can comfort them in many ways and be in the room with them so they know you are still there, watching over them. Once they get it that they won't get milk, they sleep.

4 months is way too soon to start sleep training. Most folks don't recommend any sort until after 6 months, and crying it out should wait until they are at least a year. He is still so young and has many needs - he probably has just started getting adjusted to day/night. Ease up and try again in a few months.

Good luck!

I think a flexible sleep training schedule is okay. I did it with both of my kids. But your baby is very young for a very strict schedule. Babies develop their sense of day/night and sleep patterns as they grow. And the length of babies sleep also depends a lot on the development of their organs. Around 4-6 months their organs start to function more like an adults so their bodies are now able to store nutrients so they can go longer periods of time without being fed.

My son who is now 3 started sleeping 12 hours straight on his own at 4 months. My daughter who is now 1, started sleeping 12 hours at 3 months. Once they started sleeping through the night on their own, I knew they were ready for me to get them on a nap and sleep schedule.

I really like the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child". It gives good tips and also kind of compares all the popular sleep training methods so you can combine the ones that work for you.

Good luck!

My peditrican tried to guilt me into that too, she said really manipulative things to get me to try it but I refused her suggestion. I think very little of "sleep training." Especially at 4 months. I think the earliest it should even be considered is 6 months and personally I think that is much too young, one year is probably when controlled crying would be ok, but it should be very short duration, no baby should be left to cry for 30 minutes, they need reassurance and love to start how they view the world. I just think babies need their mommies and daddies and there only babies for a little over a year, and we should be there for them. I refused to do any kind of "training" on my baby till one year and even then it was mild, never let her be alone to cry longer than 5 minutes. I have the most independent, well rested, wonderful little 2 year old who never throws temper tantrums and communicates with me and I think in large part it's because I didn't let her "cry it out" at a young age ... and taught her sign language. I believe it's a betrayal to do that to these wonderful little humans who need us. I would recommend reading "happiest baby on the block" and dr. sears and give up on "training" a little precious 4 month old and enjoy all the wonderful cuddling now he wants.

As for the person who posted "BUT I also want to add after reeading all these responses that it makes a lot more sense to me for you to listen to your pediatrician, who is educated, has years of experience and knows your particular child, than to listen to women who you dont know who tell you you are harming your child by letting them cry! "

That's just nonsense, the pediatricians are completely at odds with each other over this topic: on one side is Dr. Ferber and on the other is Dr. Sears and they will tell you the polar opposite, so to say just listen to your pediatrician is not helpful. AND Dr. Ferber who came up with this stuff even later said he never wanted parent's to use cry it out younger than 6 months. Educate yourself always when it comes to your baby and don't just blindly listen to a pediatrician, sometimes they are wrong and sometimes you find it out and have to search for someone to help you. We sure did with my daughter's acid reflux, she wanted us to cry it out and it turned out she needed medicine that my pediatrician was unwilling to give, we found a specialist who was willing to listen and with the right medication we got a whole new baby, she still had a hard time falling and staying asleep but at least we didn't just follow along with our first pediatrician or my baby would have suffered for months, maybe years. What we all should be doing is listening to our instincts, if yours tells you that this feels wrong, then go with your instincts. If it doesn't, then of course it's your baby and your prerogative but informing yourself is the most important thing.

Frankly, C., I'm also surprised your pediatrician said that to you. According to the "What to Expect" books, it's only after the child has reached the age of 6 months (or older) that they are ready to sleep through the night. Before that age, they still require nourishment during the night.

I think, at 4 months, if a child is still crying for 30 minutes, it would be better to pick him up and make him feel safe and secure before putting him down. I know it can be difficult. When we rocked my son, he would wake up and start screaming when we tried to put him down and this was the cause of much stress and sleepless nights. But you have to stick with it and be patient.

With my daughter, I rocked her to sleep myself until she was older than six months. With my son, around eight months, I reread the book and found I'd forgotten about it. AND, I realized that, by this time, the only reason my son was getting up at night was BECAUSE I was feeding him. He didn't really need extra feedings in the middle of the night.

And to the mother who criticises the other for giving her child the gift of sleep, I don't think you understand the purpose of this forum. It is supposed to be a criticism free environment for the purpose of getting advice from other mothers. Agreement and disagreement is not the same as criticism, which is what you seem to be pretty liberal with. Every mother and every child is different. Perhaps you should remember that. I feel ashamed for you.

C.,

I was at my wit's end when DD was 10 months old. She would stay up until midnight or later and I couldn't take it and I knew she couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to let her cry it out because I had heard that a child crying for such a long time deprives their little brains of oxygen, which can lead to brain damage.

I had received a book called the Baby Sleep Solution for the baby shower but couldn't bring myself to let her cry for any length of time, so I wasn't going to use the methods described. BUT when she stayed up into the wee hours, I was desperate. Here's the jist of it: work the feeding schedule down to 4 times a day, then night one of training you do your bedtime routine and place the child in bed then leave the room and close the door. The child WILL scream, but only allow it to happen for 1 minute. Go in, soothe the child without picking him up. Do this again, but extend the time to 3 minutes. Repeat and lengthen the time until the child falls asleep on his own.

I used this method and believe it or not, DD was falling asleep on her own in her bed in only 2 nights. According to the book, the earlier you start the easier it is. It was cake at 10.5 months.

Note: this method is NOT recommended for babies under 12 weeks old.

AND I'm not sure exactly on the times and there are certainly other details I left out, but this is basically what it is. The author claims that in all the years she's been sleep training, she's never had a failure. Singletons, twins and on up have all been successful.

Best of luck with whatever method you try!

Wow! Reading these responses takes me back to when our daughter struggled with sleep. Unless people have a kid like yours they don't understand. We tried everything to get Greta to sleep - No cry sleep solution, co-sleeping, nursing, etc. Her sleep got worse and worse - waking every 3 hours, then 2 hours, and sometimes every 45 minutes. It was not good for her. Sleep training is not always selfish. Some kids do not know how to sleep and you need to do what may not be easy to help them learn. I never thought I would do something that I considered so 'barbaric'. We spent many hours crying and talking about it before we actually did it. Our 5 month old daughter cried for 45 minutes before going to sleep for close to two weeks. We were going insane. Everyone else we talked to said it only took two or three nights. It's so hard, but I would just say to keep with it. It does get better. I hope to never go through that experience again, but it was worth it. Letting them cry to sleep doesn't necessarily mean you can't feed them through the night like some earlier responses indicate. I fed her twice a night until 9 months and once a night until 12 months. She just had to learn how to fall asleep on her own. Good luck!

I am not completely familiar with sleep training, but may I ask why your pediatrician is recommending you start now? 4 months seems so young to start making the poor guy put himself to sleep. He is still very very needy at this age. It is possible that you may be trying to early to ask him to do something he is not developmentally ready to do. This may be why it is seems that he is not getting any better at it. I would say go with your gut, if he doesn't seem to be adjusting, stop the training and try again later. No matter what the degree or profession of the "expert" no one knows your child better than you, so follow your instincts. Good Luck.

I did the sleep training for my daughters when they were about 5 1/2 months old. The oldest one, I kept back and forth with the training because she was my first and I couldn't help but think something might happened to her. It took long time for she and I too succeed. But with the second one I wasn't give in easily. It took 2 weeks and foila! she is a very good sleeper until now. She's 3 years old now.
I used Gary Ezzo book becoming on baby wise and Ferber method for my oldest. My suggestion, if you are ready to do the sleep training you need to set your mind into it so you are not back and forth like I did with my first one. The age of the baby usually it will depend on you. If you think you are ready and he is ready then go for it. If you are not ready and the baby too, it is good to wait couple more months. Good luck and don't give up easily when you start the training!

I am not real familiar with the term sleep training but it is important to set routines as soon as possible for sleeping, eating etc. It will make your life so much easier later on.

My children usually fell asleep while feeding and then I would lay them down. If they fussed I had a musical stuffed animal which was comforting to them.

Swaddling also helped alot. They needed to be bound up tight or they would keep walking themselves up. Another solution is give them a bath before going to bed. That always relaxes them. Also be aware they will go through phases, changes in behavior as they become more aware of their surroundings and body. Some adjustments are necessary during these times but I always tried to stay as close to the routine as possible with a little improvision here and there.

Good Luck!

S. Chase

Hi C., just wanted to say I'm not familiar with the term sleep training, but if it is self explanatory, then I understand. When my son was a baby he always had a good sleeping schedule. As he got older it was still good, but I wanted him to have a routine, so at about 7 months (maybe younger?), I started putting him down at 7:30 every night. He too, would cry for about half an hour, but eventually got over it. He's 12 now so it's hard for me to remember exactly how long it took, but hang in there, it'll work. After a little while, he started getting sleepy around 7:00. he would started getting fussy, rubbing his eyes, and then I'd give him a bottle and he would drink a little and knock out. It worked like a charm and I never questioned whether or not I did the right thing, because we had a good routine. To this day, he is still pretty much like that, his bed time is 9:00 (just recently moved up from 8:30 where he had been stuck for a while lol) and he "knows" when it is time for bed. If you hang in there, it'll be worth it. You can always count on your "me" time after he goes to sleep, and that is something I have always cherished. Good luck!!!

Doctors and scientists have in recent years recognized that babies need constant love and reassurance. Most moms have always known this. I never let my babies cry, and while some of them easily learned to sleep alone, I do have a 3 year old that still can't fall asleep alone. However, I prefer the trouble of having to cuddle him to sleep every night than the memory of me ignoring his cries. All of my 5 kids woke up repeatedly at night to nurse, and I was happy to feed and comfort them at the same time.

Hi ,

I didnt start till mine were 7mons old. I have twins.
It took my son a lot longer than my daughter. He cried for
at least an hour and it took me a good 2 weeks or longer.
I hated every minute and I wanted to go in so bad to pick
him up. I had hired a doula to help me and she said my son had a strong will and it was just temper. Well I held out and my babies sleep from 7pm-7am ever since and I am so happy.
Its not for everyone but someone told me that I was giving them the gift of sleep and it was something I needed to teach them. I love to sleep and that helped me. Knowing I was giving them this wonderful gift .. sleep. Good luck ,, it will be hard

I have to say C. I agree with the anti Cry it out people. I would not be able to sit and listen to my poor newborn crying for me. Pediatricians are like advisors, but I feel we need to make the final decision when it comes to our children.
I was young when I had my son, who is now 9. I did not research anything, or even ask about sleeping through the night. I discovered co- sleeping out of pure laziness. We had a crib in our room, my son would wake up, my husband would get up change his diaper then I would get up to breastfeed. Well that lasted a week. The diapers were moved next to my husbands side of the bed, and I started breastfeeding in bed. By six months, my son could pretty much get his feeding on his own. I never woke for more then 2 minutes. He sleeps fine now, and had no trouble eventually moving to his own bed then his own room. I now have a 2 1/2 year old, and I didn't even get a crib. This time I realy enjoyed those special moments of snuggling together. We got her a toddler bed about a year ago. She loves it. She puts her babies to bed, and has tea parties on it. At night sometimes she puts herself to bed, sometimes she goes down with me, and sometimes around 5 or 6 am she stumbles across the bedroom and climbs in next to my husband. There is never crying.
Last night I had a big fight over homework with my 9 year old, and we barley hugged before bed. I miss those, and cherish the time when they are little and need me. My husband has become a fan of our cuddly children and we find ways to get our time, alone.
I say wait, hold your little one while you can. Good luck- and remember it is your choice- he is your son.

Hi C., my advice to you is stop the sleep training, I started my babies on rice cereal at 6 weeks old before bed time, rocked them to sleep, I never never ever put an awake baby down for the night or for a nap, my babies were sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old didn't cry themselves to sleep ever, the more peaceful your baby falls a sleep the better they will sleep, I can not see letting a baby cry thenselves to sleep, reguardless of what people say about rocking babies, I wasn't still rocking them when they were 5. J.

Hang in there! I know 30 minutes feels like an eternity when he is crying, but that is really not too bad. When I was doing my research on the subject, I think the average was about 2 weeks for them stop crying altogether. But that is an "average" so you know some took a lot longer than that! I had such a hard time coping with my second child's crying that I started to keep a written log. If you do that, you can see the true results (because sometimes 5 minutes of crying can feel like an hour).
You may not get a lot of support from others in your decision to let him cry while sleep training, but I did the same with my kids and the benefits are wonderful. I started earlier than you, but by 4 months I had babies who went to bed happily and woke up cooing - and were happy all of the time in between because they were well-rested. You are not abandoning your baby to cry, you are recognizing what he needs, and if he needs sleep, then he is probably crying because he is tired and he is used to having help going to sleep. Check on him and reassure him of your presence and love every 10-15 minutes. Once he gets used to going to sleep on his own, he will just go to sleep without crying.
Feel free to email me to ask any other questions/details or just for support. Sleep training is not necessarily easy, but you will be glad you did it!

We did the sleep training with both of our boys too. With our second son it worked at 4 months but with our first he wasn't ready at 4 months so we tried again at 5 months. He made improvements when we did it at 5 months when at 4 months he just seemed to cry forever. :) So maybe the same would work for you too? Good luck! It will be worth it in the end to have a good sleeper!!!

What is sleep training?

There is a good book-called Twelve hours of sleep by twelve weeks-Judy Giordano. Don't let the title fool you-u can do it no matter the age. It is easy to read in a day or two and does work. My kids who are now 21/2 and 15 months sleep 11-12 hrs a night w/2naps for the 15 month old and 1 nap for the 21/2 yr old. My kids never give me trouble to go to sleep and are happy and not really ever cranky for the most part.Let me know if you have any other questions?Good Luck! L.:)

Hi C.,

Frankly, I disagree with your pediatrician and so does T. Barry Brazelton (the baby expert). You shouldn't let your baby cry. Of course he stops after a while but that's because he discovers that he has no power to get his needs filled. At four months he's not manipulating you, he's just letting you know his needs in the only way he can. At bedtime, lie down with him or read to him until he goes to sleep. Don't get frustrated because you pass that on to him as anxiety. Just make bedtime a joyous occasion and let your baby lead you. When parents have agendas that aren't also embraced by the baby, you have negative results. Remember, baby can't accommodate to you, you have to accommodate to the baby.

V.

My advice is to not to take advice from others on this issue. Go with what you think is right and what you feel comfortable with. You know your child best and what he needs. I tried "sleep training" and I couldn't do it. I couldn't listen to the crying and do nothing. What I did do was help my daughter to sleep and slowly withdrew the help. After a couple of months I was able to tell her to look at books until she fell asleep and she did great. We didn't start this until she was about 1 1/2. Good luck! This is one of the biggest things you battle as a new mom. I had to stop listening to ADVICE and stop reading all the parenting books and go with what felt right. You have mommy instincts!

I do not agree with the whole "training" thing. Your child is not a dog. Babies develop at different rates, and for some it is just now the begining of when they do not need the nourishment at night. If he is only crying for 30 minutes, thats not bad for a little 4 month old. I also suggest that you, or anyone, does NOT follow the baby wize method by the Ezzo couple. It is also called; Growing Kids God's Way, or Along the Infant Way For more info on it- please see this site: http://www.ezzo.info/

I let me baby cry for a little while, but only at around 6 months. By that time he was finally able to find his "binky" by himself, which was his comfort measure. If your child does not have any comfort measure, such as a blankie, or a binkie, then you have been the comfort measure, and you are taking the only thing that comforts him away. I would wait a whil elonger to let him develop a little more, and while doing it try letting him cry only during the day. In any case your child will eventually sleep through the night. I would get advice from a different pediatrician as well. It almost sounds like yours may follow baby wize, which has been chastized in the medical community.

I would really think twice about sleep training. An infant needs to feel life around him/her. in their crib it is lifeless, there is no warmth, no life, and that is why they cry, everything they are needing is gone.
if you want to read an excellent book about this subject, it is called
the Continuum Concept. Highly recommend it.

Get this book: "The No-cry Sleep Solution" by Pantley. It was wonderful.

Don't give in to the cry-it-out crowd. The only way your baby has to communicate is to cry. The last thing you want to do is let him know that communication is futile. And every baby is different; some can sleep "through the night [5 hours]" long before others can.

Good luck!

I am surprised that nobody mentioned the hwl (hold with love) method. It really helped me with my 2 girls. The method is for kids over the age of 3 months. I've just followed very precisely instruction from Susan Urban's guide and after 5 days we were the winners. It was more than a year now but I can see that the guide is still available here: www.parental-love.com
I used the hwl method to teach my babies how to fall asleep alone, to make them sleep all night long and to make them nap longer. So I highly recommend this method.

Of course he is crying. He needs his parents reassurance at this age more than anything. Leaving him alone to cry is only teaching him that he cannot trust you. Of course you will hear all sorts of suggestions about how to raise your child and you must do what feels right to you. But this one is ill-advised. It is hard to accept but you are the one who needs to be trained to sleep a bit less during this period in your childs life. You will sleep eventually and you will have a child who is also better able to sleep throught the night when he gets older. Good luck to you.

Most babies take 1-4 nights, look into something else. Good luck, sounds tough.

First of all, you need to do what YOU feel is best for your family and your own child. I will share my experiences with you and please take from it what you will... I have a 5 month old boy and a 6 year old girl and a deployed husband. Needless to say, I do not have the time to spend an hour putting him to bed at night or before naps. I did have the luxury of having tons of time with my daughter and I didn't let her cry at all. I made sure I nursed her to sleep and put her down asleep. This worked fine until she was about 7 months. I would have to repeat the nursing/lay her down routine many, many times before she would be asleep for good. It was getting to the point where I would be spending over an hour before naps and bedtime. Don't get me wrong. I love my children and love spending time with them and nursing them. I was beginning to realize, however, that it was not healthy for me or my child to be taking over an hour to put her to sleep. Because it took her so long to fall asleep, she would end up going to bed way too late which created a whole other mass of sleep problems. She continued to wake in the night until she was 3 years old. I was exhausted and so was she! She sleeps fine now, as she should at 6 years old.
With my son, I have done things completely different. We started off cosleeping and that worked wonderfully until he was 7 weeks old. He was waking every 2 hours still and it was killing me and he was chronically overtired. The first night I moved him to his crib I put him down very drowsy but awake. This was after a very soothing bedtime routine. I bathed him in dim light, gave him a massage in his room, nursed him, read a book to him, then danced him for a few moments while I snuggled him and sang to him. I also swaddled him up loosely (and still do!) to make him feel more secure. I also put on some white noise to mimic the womb. The first night I did this, he fussed a little but fell asleep on his own. He only woke 2 times that night and it has been getting better ever since. We do the same routine every single night and he always goes in his crib drowsy, but awake. Sometimes he does fuss and cry for a bit and sometimes he does need me to go back in his room and pat him or rub his forehead. He wakes up happy as a clam and never acts like he has been harmed or damaged by this. Think about this...how would you like it if you fell asleep in your mom's arms and then woke up later, alone in your crib? That would upset me too! My son sleeps through the night now from 7pm-7am. Occasionally he will wake in the middle of the night for a snack, and I feed him and plan on doing that until around 9 months. Some babies need nighttime nourishment until about that age.
You just have to read all of these posts and decide what is best for you and your family. I DO NOT believe that letting your child find their way to sleep is harmful or mean or barbaric. You DO NOT have to leave them in there to cry for hours if you don't want to. There is a gentle way to do it. I suggest the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. So far, my decisions have made everyone's life so much easier and I know my son is getting all of the sleep he needs.
Best of luck to you!

Are you going in after 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 15 minutes, etc. to let your baby know you are still there and giving words of comfort? We did sleep training and it worked well, but we found we had to leave the door open a bit so he could hear us and also leave the hallway light on. One difference, however, is that we started at 5 1/2 months. So, I wonder if waiting a bit longer might help.

Your son isn't ready to be sleep trained. I tried to sleep train my son at 6 months, and he slept less and so we all got less sleep. We decided to stop the sleep training. And we retrained him at 15 months, when it turns out he was ready. Don't worry about sleep training your son now. He's letting you know he needs to be close to you. Not all children are able to sleep through the night at this age. And don't listen to your friends or family who's kids were. Every child is different. Do what's best for you and your family. We ended up bringing our son to bed with us at 6 months, because my son needed to be close to us to sleep and to nurse through the night. And waiting to sleep train him was the best thing we did. And I think we have a stronger bond because I followed his cues, that he wasn't ready to be sleep trained, and needed that bond with us during that time of his life. So listen to your son's cues. He's telling you what he needs. And right now, he needs you.

We were told to put our children down, knowing they would cry, but to go in and pat them on the back at 5 minute intervals to reasure them we were still there. Do not pick them up, just pat their back. This routine worked for our four children and I'm very happy that we were told this. I know SO many people who have such a hard time. It worked great. Keep working on it...good luck!

We tried with our daughter and sorry to say it took until she was 14 months for her to sleep through the night (she would wake at least once during the night and cry for over an hour at times). She was in a crib in our room until 12 months (we didnt have another bedroom then) and I was still breastfeeding, so those things affected it. But also she just does not like to sleep. She is now 27 months and still it sometimes takes us 2 hours to get her to go to bed. We do the whole bath/stories routine, same thing every night. From polling our friends it seems like a lot of it just has to do with your child and how they are about sleeping.
We now have a 2 month old and she already goes to sleep much easier. I can put her down while she is still awake and she will fall asleep, which I dont think our older daughter ever did. So dont worry if it doesnt work right away, just keep trying. We get upset when we read all the info that says after three days they will stop crying because it is so far from our experience, but all kids are different. Our oldest also does not like to nap, in fact she already has given up her nap unless she is extremely tired and in the car she will not sleep during the day.
BUT I also want to add after reeading all these responses that it makes a lot more sense to me for you to listen to your pediatrician, who is educated, has years of experience and knows your particular child, than to listen to women who you dont know who tell you you are harming your child by letting them cry! We are all shaped by our environment and humans respond to social 'training', if that's what you want to call it. My instinct is that children do need to be guided and that there are things we can do to help them, sleep trianing may or may not be one but you should trust your own instincts and needs and not feel guilty if you want to try and let your baby fall asleep on their own. Like I said, it didnt work for us, but we're going to try it again with the second because having to spend 2 hours a night getting your kid to fall asleep is just too draining... yes in lots of other cultures moms sleep with their babies on their bodies, but they also go to sleep much earlier, wake up much earlier, and have a very different lifestyle and diet. you just cant compare that to our world and say one is better than the other.

It will not happen overnight, as you have seen. It may take a week or even two weeks. And though it may seem hard, hang in there. My daughter was sleeping through the night at 5 months! I am not sure if you are doing the cry-it-out method or a modified version of it, but, whatever you choose, don't stress yourself out and keep the temperment of you child in mind. Good luck!

Hi, C..

I have a 9-month-old and sleep training was difficult. It took several weeks before the crying stopped and my daughter would just quietly soothe herself to sleep. Even now, there are a few nights we have to deal with where she will "protest" going down for the night by crying.

Just know that very soon, your baby will inevitably settle down and not cry at all when going to sleep. One thing that helped us was having some play time in her room with the lights dimmed about a half hour before bed.

Her dad and I will sit with her on the floor and play with some of her toys with her. Then, we kiss her goodnight and put her in her crib and dim the lights even more and leave the room. She falls asleep within 15 minutes, without crying.

We started to do the play time with he on suggestiong by her pediatrician. He told us that by playing in her room, it would help her associate the space and her crib as a pleasant place versus a place where she's left alone. I think it helped a lot. Before we tried that, she would cry for 45 minutes before falling asleep and it was so heartbreaking to hear the cries.

Since we started spending time in her room just before bedtime, she has no problem with being put into her crib while wide awake. We hand the girl her favorite blanket, leave the room and she falls asleep with no problem.

It will take a few weeks though, but don't give up.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

All the Best,

E.

I've never liked the idea of letting my baby cry herself to sleep. I know lots of people do it, but if it's not working for you, you might try the suggestions in the books Babywise, The Baby Whisperer, and The No-Cry Sleep Solution for infants. They have a softer approach then letting your sweet little baby cry himself to sleep.

C.,

What is "sleep training"? Here's my suggestion for your 4 mos. old. (I'm 47 and mom of 28,22,9,8 yr. old)

The best thing to do is to make a routine that works well. Babies always need baths, comfy bed clothes and then you can wrap them in a blanket and feed him a bottle in his room while you sing or talk to him. With one of my kids all I had to do was to start rolling my eyes, like I was going to sleep..it made him really sleeping just staring at me.

After a burp, just lay him down in the crib, tuck him in and rub his back a few times and say nite-nite, turn off the light and shut the door. Don't go back into the room no matter how hard or long he cries! As long as they're crying they're fine, (after making sure he's safe in his crib). Check on him, but way after he's asleep...some babies will trick you with being quite and when you come into the room they've got you. I promise after three nights he will be trained, remember to make it a pleasant experience and eventually he will just turn on his tummy and go right to sleep, do the same routine for napping - mid-morning nap & afternoon nap and bed by 7pm. The time they cry gets shorter each time when they know the sleep routine and they feel they are safe to sleep.

Hope this helps,
J.

Hi! I know a lot of people are against the "cry it out" method but I have to tell you that it works. Your baby may still be crying that long because it is the wrong bedtime. I suggest getting the book "Healthy sleep habits, happy child". It is a great book. I started sleep training my baby at four months following this book and I couldn't be happier. My baby is now one and when we put him down it is without a fuss. He knows it's nap time or bedtime and that's it. If there is crying it only lasts a minute or two and he's out. It does take about couple of weeks for the baby to get the full routine, but it is worth it. I know it is hard to hear your baby cry, but if he is dry, well fed and not in pain, then he is fine. Crying will help strengthen his lungs and stomach. Also, having a baby who can soothe himself will help you and him the rest of his life. Stay strong and good luck. I wish you peace in your soul, love in your heart, and happiness in your life (with a well rested baby!).

I waited until 9 months to start sleep training my son becase I was worried about establishing trust first. The first night he screamed for 15 minutes all 3 times he woke up. Same with the 2nd night. The 3rd he only woke up once and screamed 5 minutes. Its been 1 week and he sleeps from 9-4:30 straight (almost every night) and I feed him, then if I'm lucky he will go back to sleep until 6 or 7. I have read try it for 2 weeks then try something different. 4 months is too early in my opinion.
Good luck!

Try putting him to bed even earlier. My son cried for hours when we did sleep training night after night and I was about to give up believing that it didin't work (he was 9 months old at the time) when I consulted with an infant sleep specialist (Davis Ehrler 3-day sleep solution) and she told me that I was putting my son to bed too late. I started putting him down at 5:30pm and the crying ended in two nights. Within two weeks I was able to move his bedtime to 6 or 6:30 so the really early bedtime was not forever. Being overtired really sabotages your baby's ability to put himself to sleep. Make absolute sure to get him to bed before he is over tired. Once he starts sleeping better and is more rested you won't have to be so rigid, but in the beginning he needs to be in bed before he is over tired. Try it. It might make all the difference. I am currently sleep training my 4-month old son too but feel much better about it because I have experience with my older son (aka-the worst sleeper of all time!) But we gone my first son on track and I know i can get my second son on track sooner and much more easily.

I too recommend Elizabeth Pantley's book. Dr. Jim Sears also has a great sleep book.

Hello C.,
I have had a lot of problems with my 1 year old regarding her bed time. Just recently I had decided to put her to bed a little later (8:30 instead of 8:00) Well, to my surprise, she is now literally diving into her crib and falling asleep within minutes. I used to let her cry it out, but she always cried for a long time. I feel better now that she actually wants to fall asleep. She also sleeps through the night now. What a 1/2 hour can make. I guess I was putting her down, but she wasn't tired yet.
I know your baby is still really young, I guess if you continue the path you are going, she will eventually fall asleep faster then she is now.
Good luck!

It may be that your son just isn't ready yet. 4 months seems very young to me for the "cry it out" method. They stil need lots of attachment parenting at such a young age. I would suggest soothing him to sleep however you were doing it (nursing, bouncing, rocking, etc.) for a while longer. There are lots of other ways to get your son to sleep other than the CIO method, and they'll be less traumatic for both of you.

Hi! 4 months is a little young. Maybe you could read the SECOND book by the "baby whisperer," Tracy Hogg. Solve your Child's Sleep problems. There is a kind of compromise or middle ground approach to what you're doing. If he cries, go in but DO NOT PICK HIM UP. Just stand right there next to him and gently and lovingly stroke or pat his back or tummy and say "shhhhh shhhhh shhhhh." It might take a long while, but he will fall asleep and learn to do it without having to be rocked or held. Then, ideally, he'll do it in less time each night. Good luck and don't worry you're doing great!

WOW, your ped recommended sleep training at 4 months!?!?!? eek!!!!! That is really bad advice, i am sorry.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in CIO and think it's really sad when mommies say they let her 3-month old or even 9 month old cry it out... Our babies are crying for a reason and we as mommies (or daddies!) are here to fulfill their needs. I say you listen to YOUR MOMMY instincts and GO GET YOUR BABY WHEN HE CRIES!!!!! You are tending to your babies needs and that's what we're here for!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh, I am really annoyed at your ped. The whole idea of "sleep training" is ridiculous. We don't "train" our babies to EAT, do we?!?!! Why are we expected to "train" our babies to sleep?!!?! Our babies need love and comfort constantly to feel secure.

My beautiful baby girl is 13-months old and she sleeps great. If, by chance, she wakes up CRYING her daddy or I still go to her to comfort her. Sometimes she just wants to nurse or be rocked a little. Usually though if she wakes up she only fusses for a bit and goes back to sleep on her own. I never once had to "train" her to do anything... again, that's just ridiculous. I am sorry.

We tried that with all 3 of our kids and the only one who did not scream was the last one. I think it really depends on your child. With my older 2 we couldn't stand the crying so we would sit on the floor in their bedroom and every couple nights gradually get closer to the door until they didn't need us anymore.

Congratulations on your first step to sleeping again! I know it is hard to hear your child cry, but stick with it. Sleep training is the best thing we have done with our three kids. Usually the crying has already decreased by the 10th day, but your baby might need a little longer. Does that thirty minutes of crying get you the whole night's sleep? It seems like a good trade off. Our kids are now 5,6 and 2 and they are the best sleepers I know. They sleep on vacation, at other houses, everywhere. I have many friends who didn't want to sleep train who have 5 year olds who still get up every night. No thank you. 4 months is a little earlier than we did our sleep training, which may be why it is taking a little longer. It took ours about 3 nights of crying before they never cried again at night, but they were 6 months when we started. Good luck, and stay strong. It will be worth it~!