Sleep - West Hills,CA

You are not a bad mom!! My 14 month old is.a terrible sleeper! He doesnt wake to eat but for everything else lol. We co sleep and I hate it! I love my baby but would love to sleep in the middle of the bed not the very edge! I cant bare too hear him cry! Hang in there it won't last forever even though it seems like it!

I know you are starting to feel guilty about thinking of giving up. Don't you love how they call it "giving up" ?! First of all you are a wonderful mother who wants the very best for her child. You made it 11 months!! That is amazing!! You need to focus on that! I think to some, sleep deprivation is not so big of a deal. OMG in this house...it's a big deal. I remember almost not being able to function! Awful awful!!!!! Walking around like a zombie about to crack is not making anyone happy...most importantly YOU!!! Don't forget about YOU...... Why do they tell you on a flight to put your oxygen mask on before you help your child put one on? If you are at a breaking point you can't be there 100% for the people you want to be there for. Having a happy, stable ;-) mama is more important than killing yourself for just one more month.

~And try not to listen to the "OMG I can't believe you stopped before 1 year!" ugh! You know your baby is happy and healthy and so is mama....and that's ALL that matters!!!!!!

You know, there is so much variation in individual needs – for feeding, for sleep, in both adults and children. Unfortunately, these needs can often conflict, and are a major cause for dismay in MANY parents. This is very likely NOT your fault in any way, and I'm sad to hear you were chastised. It is more than likely just the luck (or unluck) of the draw.

MOST babies can get by at a year (or so) without night feedings. But not all babies, by any means. My daughter had a delicate stomach, and simply could not hold down enough food at a meal to make it more than 2.5 hours until the next meal, day or night, until she was about two, as I recall. She would simply spit up part of her meal if I managed to coax her to eat more. So refusing to feed her at night would have been cruel and intolerable for both of us.

Would your husband be willing to take on at least one night feeding, or alternate nights, if you pumped? Or would letting your baby co-sleep with you make it easier? That was my solution; dreaming sweetly away while she nursed herself back to sleep. And she did not become dependent on sleeping with me – that's another variable that you can't really predict. Some parents claim it sets up a bad habit, but I've known a number of babies who had no trouble sleeping in their own beds after co-sleeping for their first year or two.

"Sleep training" has also turned out to be a cruel hoax for quite a few young moms who have tried it. What it really means for many babies is not "sleep" training, but training him not to expect to get his emotional or food needs met, and giving up. This toughens up some children, but makes others sad or angry and withdrawn or prone to acting out more. Again, that's an entirely variable response.

As far as your needs are concerned, sleep is important. It's true that we can usually get by on much less than we need, but it can be hell at the time. Looking back someday, you'll have a harder time remembering how draining it felt, and you'll be surprised that you're doing fine. My grandson was a terrible sleeper until 2.5, and there were times my daughter and son-in-law thought they would go insane from lack of sleep. I would spend some nights over to give them some relief. If there is ANYBODY you can call on to give you a few extra snooze hours here or there, do it, even if it means hiring a babysitter weekend mornings. It may be the difference between feeling like you just can't survive it, or getting the problem down to a manageable size.

You WILL look back on this someday and be glad you held it together for however long it took, and it will not seem nearly as long in hindsight. I know it's hard to see the end from where you are now. I hope those of us who survived it don't hurt ourselves patting our own backs. Not fair or helpful.

When my youngest was 11 months, he was still getting up at night to nurse, and I just couldn't take it any longer. I needed sleep and I knew he needed restful sleep, so I stopped nursing him at night. My husband had to get up with him for awhile to break the habit, I think the first 3 nights were the hardest on all of us. But it got better, and he now sleeps through the night. Yipee! I still nurse during the day a few times, but I'm hoping to end that soon. (He's 14 months...but he's getting 2 molars right now and I think he needs it sometimes for comfort.) Don't worry about how other moms say they can function on little to no sleep, YOU need to rest, you've been getting interrupted sleep for a long time. Its ok to need your sleep. And its wonderful!!!!!!! Good luck!

Girl, I am four months ahead of you and my daughter is *just* starting to sleep through the night. We're up to about 3-4 nights a week where she'll sleep until at least 4:00 in the morning and I still feel like she's just toying with me each time. Sleep deprivation is HARD. It does make you more susceptible to illness, not to mention make it hard to get things done the way I'm sure you once did. Before this child, I would have had all the answers ready and packaged in a colorful brochure. Turns out that our older daughter is just really fond of a good night's sleep... a good nap, too!

There are things that have helped me get through this including finding people who are going through the same thing. (Allow me to fill that role for you. It sucks. *You* don't suck.)

Another big one was asking my husband for nighttime help. Very hard to do, because he is an amazing father and husband, who'd been taking care of everything else I couldn't handle with our heavy duty nursing, light sleeping baby. Not only that, but he starts work between 4:30 and 6:00 each morning... and has a 70 mile commute to boot. I felt like a jerk, but it became imperative that I get some relief. It is *amazing* what his help did. Gave me a few much needed breaks, built up the relationship with his youngest AND apparently helped her realize she doesn't actually have to nurse for six hours every single freaking night *ohm*.

I also have snagged one weekend morning for myself. He gets up early and plays tennis on Sunday mornings. Saturday mornings I generally sleep as late as I want (oh yeah, my kids have me trained, so that's about 7:45, but whatever).

I think the built up lack of sleep really can make a person feel like they're going to crack. The people who chastized you must have had kiddos who were much easier to manage in this area. I know firsthand how it can make a mom feel a little bit like a superhero, so try to forgive them their cases of cranio-rectal infusion, heh.

At one she should be sleeping through and not still needing to feed at night. Discuss this with your pediatrician. You're NOT a bad mom, but being severely sleep deprived for such a long stretch can make you one.

Moms need to take care of themselves to be able to take care of our families.

My opinion, what's best for your little one, having a fully functional mommy. If you can't function and the night feedings are what's getting in the way, then what's best is for you both is to wean her off of them. In truth the milk really isn't doing much for her any more. The night feedings aren't actually feedings any more, it's more about the comforting and closeness. She can have those still but with out the breast.

I transitioned my little one to a paci around the time she stopped breastfeeding. I still held her close, rocked her and sang to her, but night by night I spent less time holding her while she slept. Finally I was able to move her to her bed as soon as she was out. Once we got to that point I moved on to helping her self sooth. I would go to her if she fussed, pick her up and sang a song, the second time, just a back rub and a song, third time, just the song, then farther away with each song until I was out the door. I was able to stand at the door open and sing, then I was able to I sing though the closed door. What she needed was to know I was there, I was letting her know she was safe, I was there but that it was time for sleep. After a while I could even lay in bed for a moment and wait and she would go right to sleep by herself again. I never let her really cry for more then a few seconds, but I would first go to the door and sing she usually stopped after that, if she was more worked up, I would sing with the door open, then slowly approch singing.

I hope all that made sense. It's really up to you, but I think this might be the solution.

Good luck.

Are you open to co-sleeping? With my oldest, I would always have him begin the night in his own bed. That way my husband and I at least had a couple of hours to ourselves. When he woke up, I would bring him into bed with us, lie down next to him, latch him on and go back to sleep. If he woke again to eat I would latch him on again and go back to sleep. Each time I woke up I would check to make sure he was not too close to our blankets or pillows or anything. My husband and I sleep with our own blankets. No one can accuse the other of steeling the covers.

I have to say, I got so much more sleep this way. I was a SAHM, so I don't know how hard it is for you. I just know that before I tried co-sleeping, I was about to lose my mind.

I started working full time when my youngest was 2 1/2. For the first couple of months, he came into our bed in the middle of the night. I think he just needed that extra snuggle time while he was getting used to daycare. He's doing great now, but he really did want that close time with us.

You are not a bad mom!!!!! Sleep deprivation is one of the hardest part about being a mom. Some people cope better than others, but really I think some people just have kids that sleep better.

Hang in there! It really will get easier! I promise :-)

Added: Peg M said it very well. Couldn't agree with her more!

Yes, you are ready to "break" and I was at the point you are but I didn't go a full year...I couldn't go that long without sleep...I needed my sleep more than anything! The only thing that worked for us and our four children was the cry-it-out method and Holly K said it perfectly...its harder on you than on your child. You just have to do it! Really! And unlike TA, I am sorry, there is NO long term damage and its not dangerous and irresponsible...there are a "ton" of us who can speak from experience that it works. All four of my children are now grown adults and lived just fine and are productive in our society! My last two (twins) just graduated this year and my son was valedictorian! So don't fall for the "damage" thing. It really works to let them cry-it-out and brings sanity back into your life and your home.

Sleep deprivation is horrible and I wouldn't let anyone tell me anything different. Have you considered pumping and having DH take one of the feedings. Before DS slept through the night, DH took any feedings before 2 am and I took any feedings after 2 am - it worked for us. You could also consider co-sleeping - much less disturbance to your sleep if you don't really need to get up and go to her room. Also - what is your schedule? Many people seem to put infants to bed at 6 or 7 pm and then they get their longest sleep while the adults are still awake. We put DS to bed when we went to bed (that was 11p - 12 am or so, after what we anticipated would be his 'last' feeding). Then if he slept for 6 hours, so did we.

Will your Husband... feed her at night with a bottle????

Per my Doctor, babies only need to night feed for the first few weeks, if they continue to do so it is because we train them to eat at night. Following this advice both of my boys easily slept through the night on their own by 2 months. When people chastised you (which is rude by the way) could it have been less about you being tired, and maybe more about the fact that you are really the one in control of if your child nurses at night to fall back to sleep or if they learn other comforting skills? At this point he is well beyond the point of needing to eat at night, so maybe start helping him find other ways to sooth himself back to sleep? I am not sure what ways might work best to do this, since my boys never learned bad sleep habits we never had to sleep train, they have always been able to fall back to sleep on their own quickly. I used to simply wait 3-5 minutes when they woke at night to see what they would do, and 99% of the time they were back to sleep before 5 minutes was up.

Look, you really need to go ahead and sleep train before you lose your health. Close the milk bar for the night. She does not need the middle of the night feedings. She does not need the middle of the night feedings. (Yes, I said it twice.) If you need to, go to a friend's house or a family member's house and stay so that you are not there to feed her. Let dad handle this. He needs to employ the Ferber method (read about it) and be 100% consistent, not pick her up, and not give in to taking her out of the crib. If he is not wishy-washy, it should not take more than 2 weeks to get this done. You could be gone for the worst of it. At least she wouldn't smell breast milk on your husband.

Good luck,
Dawn

Hi J.R.
Everyone is diff & you should get advice not chastized about ur struggles.
My daughter is 18 months I still breastfeed I also work. Ur not missing any trick I just sleep in on weekends. I'm trying to wean her- very hard!!! If you do wean her that's fine, she is now old enough to eat foods & drink cow's milk.. u did ur part mama

Good luck weaning- lmk what tricks work for you.

She is almost one years old, she doesn't need two feedings a night, so cutting those out will be fine. Plus, you are not a terrible mom!!!! You can still nurse in the mornings, night and nurse/pump during the day, so it isn't giving up.

I am very pro breastfeeding, I nursed both my babies until they were about 16 months, but I still recommend giving her a night time feeding before bedtime and not doing it after that so you get your sleep and your daughter learns to self soothe. It will be tough the first week or so, but she will be okay, and so will you.

Dr. Sears is an expert in this field and he has some great ideas on how to begin this transition and get some sleep:

http://askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/sleep-problems

specifically, 12 alternatives for the night nurser:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/night-weaning...

I feel for you!!!!! And anyone who would say you should not complain, or that you are bad mother is completely crazy!!!!!! First of all, you need to take care of yourself in order to be the best you can be for your daughter, and I think its amazing that you are still breastfeeding!!!!! BUT I do think you should stop the night feedings, and switch her to a bottle. Hopefully she is still waking for more of a comfort than her actually being hungry. Good luck, and I hope you are able to get a full nights sleep soon!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Girl you are not a bad mommy just VERY tired. I am a stay at home mom and still can't figure out how you Mommies who work do it. What ever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family:) don't let anyone tell you different. As my Mom always says a well rested Mom is a happy healthy Mom and the best for the child:) Good Luck!!!

You are not an aweful mom...but you are sleep deprived. We have all been there and get it, but I think it is time to take your sanity back (and get a full nights sleep). After the child is only 2-3 months old and reaches a certain weight he/she does not need to eat at night - it is just habit. I sleep trained both of my boys around 6 months old (give or take). I know people hate this method - but it is MUCH harder on the parent then the child. Let her cry it out (without giving in or letting her see you for 2-4 days and from then on you will get to sleep through the night (with an occasional wake up now and then).

Nurse before bed and tell her that you will see her in the morning to nurse again (if you want to continue nursing in the AM)... then put her in her bed give her hugs and kisses and whatever reading/singing routine you may have then leave her room and do not return until morning. She may cry for a while when she wakes up and wants to nurse (habits are hard to break sometimes) but it is only a habit, she will not starve if she doesnt eat in the middle of the night. It will be tough on you, but it is a battle of wills, and if you let her see you then she wins the battle (timing starts over and you lose your sleep). I recommend starting over a long weekend (maybe you have a few days off over Christmas/New Year??) otherwise start on a Thursday night so you can manage over the weekend and not be dead at work.

It is tough mentally but it is best for both mommy and baby to sleep through the night and It does NOT make you a bad mom to want sleep. Good luck to you!

You are a GREAT mom! I breastfed until my daughter was 17 months, and she didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months, so I feel your pain. Your daughter is old enough to sleep through the night and is old enough to not need to eat at night. Unfortunately, I think the only think that will work is to let her cry. It won't last long - hopefully only a few days. It's so hard to do, but sometimes you have to tough it out because it's best for both of you. Probably start on a Friday, and hopefully your husband can go in and hold her or rock her.

I continued to breastfeed my daughter after she slept through the night, but cut it back to just first thing in the morning and just before bed (after she turned a year and was having regular milk in a bottle), then just at night until we (I) stopped.

Good luck! It's really tough, but you need to take care of yourself too!

Every child is different my son just turned 13 months and has only slept through the night sporadically and I am not nursing. I'm not sure what your daytime schedule is but maybe you can try feeding more ounces during the day (on a 3 hour schedule). Since you are working, I am guessing you probably pump. Maybe your husband could take the first wake up and you take the second? Or he can do both one night a week...
Sleep deprivation is tough especially when you are working. 1 year is a great length for nursing and you have done a great job! You need to do what works for you and if it is time to stop nursing so you can sleep don't feel bad about it. It is a very personal choice!

You are NOT a terrible mom. Quite the opposite - you are giving your baby the gift of great health by breastfeeding her! "Sleep training" is dangerous and irresponsible.

Make sure you are eating well - lots of veggies and protein, no sugar and processed garbage - to maintain good health. This isn't to say sleep isn't important, however. Can you have your daughter sleep close to you so you don't have to physically get up and move around? Can dad get up and give her a bottle of expressed milk?

I am appalled at some of the responses I see below. Babies do not need to be "independent." Allowing a baby to cry it out can cause serious long-term damage. It is disgusting how that advice gets thrown around so heartlessly and cavalierly. That's right, I said it - it's cruel.
There are many good articles on the subject that can be found with a quick Google search, however here is one from the last couple of days:
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/crying-dangerous-kids-on...

I would try to start weaning your baby off the night time feedings. My doctor told me at that age that my boys should be able to get through the night without a feeding. I would start by comforting rather than feeding. Patting on the back, putting on the blanket and saying night night time or what ever you normally say and walk out. I had to sleep train my kids, I just can't function on no sleep. A few good books to read are "the no cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantly I believe if your not wanting to let your baby cry too much, I used this book with my first son. Crying it out just didn't work for him. But with my 2nd son I did let him cry a bit but I never had to wait too long he was very good at soothing himself and I always let him know I was there by checking on him, patting him a bit and walking out. Another helpful book is "Healthy sleep habits happy child" I think that's the correct name by Mark Weisbluth (not sure about spelling). Definently try something because the older they get the harder it will be to wean off night feedings. Good luck!

**just read a few posts below and I just want to add that no long term damage was done to my kids and I did let them cry it out a bit. They are happy, healthy and very loving kids!