Sister-n-Law Driving Me Crazy

Sounds like you are a great friend to her. That is what she needs right now. I would really talk to her about all her good qualities and that she still has time to have children down the road......it sounds like she is feeling her biological clock ticking and maybe why she puts up with all of this. However, if she has a child she will be even more "controlled" by him, have more of a workload, etc....point that out to her! Bless you for caring so much for her.

YOWHOSOSOS YUCK...

She doesn't get it yet --- that she deserves to be happy.

Ask her point blank, "Are you happy with jerko?" Then look her in the eyes and tell her, "You do know that you deserve to be happy, don't you?"

Then ask her, "How would you feel if you had a daughter and this is how he treated her?"

She needs a good friend, but she's sucking you into her misery. To be or not to be, only you can answer. If you can't ignore it and just listen when she needs an ear, then you'll have to walk away until she wakes up and understands her own worth and takes responsibility for her life.

Can you get her to go counseling by herself? Get her to quit worrying about what jerko does and just focus on what she does and how it makes her feel.

It's crushing to watch a loved one devalue themselves and live in such ridiculous circumstances. Maybe she'll find a love strong enough (maybe a single man, not married) to help her pull herself away. Sounds like she needs male attention to feel important.

Best wishes to you both.

I would tell her its never going to work unless she wants to be abused for the rest of her life believe me I know.I was married to a jerk for 10 years. Don't spend one more second of life with him. She dosen't have children now and has an income leave as fast as possible. I had a son and not stable income, so I stayed but my son passed away at 8 years old and finally I left him. Its a very long sad story I could write a best seller about what I went through with the jerk of course I have a better name for him but not to be put in writing. Anyway I remarried a great man, he is not the best looking and is overweight. I only mention this because you said the jerk is mean to her because of her weight, that should never matter quality of life should be first and foremost. I wouldn't trade my husband for Bradd Pitt and all of the money in the world. He adores me and I am his princess. My only wish is that my son could be here to know this wonderful man and how he has helped me to overcome the past and find happiness again. You know I met my husband on my sons Bday, it was a hard day and my girlfriend and I went out for a drink to console each other because she lost her son also. I met Mike and I always say even though it was my sons Birthday he gave me the gift. If she could read this and see shes not alone, seriously be kind to yourself life is toooo short to stay with some one who dosen't love you. Please take care A.

Your friend should be scared for her life. You never know what a controlling man is capable of, especially the way this one sounds. Your friend should have her own bank account. In 5 years of marriage, my husband and I have never fought about money. I have my account and he has his. We have one joint account for household bills...that has worked great for us. Your friend needs to realize that she is worth more and needs to stick up for what she wants in the relationship. I never understand why women allow guys to treat them like this...stick up for yourself and demand you get treated properly. She definitely needs to see a counselor, but most importantly, she needs to leave her husband.

As annoyed as you may be with listening to her, she needs you most right now. You should help her control the situation and help get back on her own two feet. As a friend, she really depends on you and needs you most right now!

Years ago I was dating a guy who was a jerk. I had a good friend who was an "older woman" (I think she was 38, which is how old I am now) who was on her 3rd marriage. She told me something she said was a hard lesson for her to learn that opened my eyes and stayed with me: "You deserve someone who adores you." I know it's simple, but it's really easy to forget.

I would bet your SIL's husband is a narcissist. Look up NPD -- narcissistic personality disorder and see if it fits. Tell your SIL about it. The most important thing to realize is that HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Also, if she thinks he controls her, he will be the same with any children they have. So, if she really wants kids -- does she want them with this guy? Does she wants kids raised the way she's living now?

Hi, sounds like your in a hard place right now. But if she really is your best friend don't abandon her even when she makes stupid decisions. She's married to a real pyshco & I bet she knows that, but sometimes no matter how much of a jerk a man is a woman may feel like it's better to be with someone who treats them bad then to be by themsevles. I know it sounds messed up but that's how it is. Somehow she needs to realize that being by herself is not a bad thing in fact it's wonderful to have the freedom to do what you want when you want. She also needs to realize that there will be other men in her life and eventually she will find the right one for her. As far as kids go what makes her think that her husband would treat them any better? She is delusional if she thinks kids would some how make things better or if kids would make her happier in her marriage. She is responisble for her happiness and to put that responibilty onto someone else is wrong and selfish. Good Luck!

She needs to continue counseling by herself if needed and find out why she is letting someone treat her this way. She needs to learn how to stand up for herself and take care of her problems, in this case all with her husband. This is her responsibility to handle, not yours. Support her, but do not tell her what to do. She is a grown woman and needs to be responsible for her life and make the choices necessary for her. She has to make her own choices. And then she has to live with them. Life is too short and precious and if she wants more from it, then she needs to make the decision to do so, determine what will make her happy, and take the necessary steps to get there.

JC,

I would share your dilemma with her. I would be open about how hard it is at this point to know how to respond when she comes to you with her difficulties. Tell her you love her and want to be there for her but that you are not sure exactly how because things have moved past the point of her needing friendly advice. She needs ongoing professional support. How hard for you to watch someone you love make such destructive choices.

Take care of you in all this and set boundaries when you need them by telling her that it is confusing for you to know what to do because of how messed up it is all getting in her life.
Kerstin