Single with 11Yr Old and Dating

It sounds like she need to go to counseling first alone with specialist then with you. She doesn't want you to have any friends???? That sounds weird. Does she mean men only or women too?

To Donna:
This is a single Mother, and you are going to DOWN HER for working hard to put food in her child's mouth and going to school TO BETTER HER AND HER DAUGHTER'S LIFE? It is not helpful when a person makes themselves vulnerable and asks for honest advice to knock them down. Ouch.

Okay, I'm back! :)

It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders, and you seem to be very empathetic to your daughter and her needs. I agree with some here that it is unreasonable for her to choose your friends or companions. I am going to split the difference on the advice here and say to maybe keep things seperate for awhile (until it gets very serious... it sounds like it is going in that direction), but keep it clear to your daughter that she doesn't get to choose if you date (or what state you live in, etc). She is entitled to her opinion, but ultimately you will make your own choices.

How about making a special night for Mom and daughter? She can choose what the activity is and how you spend your time together. Then, you have a "Mommy" night where you get to go out and have your time, and that can be with your boyfriend. Maybe she will be more understanding if she gets her own time with Mom. I do believe that happy Moms make happy kids. I was single Mom for 10 years, and I know the challenges.

Good for you for doing such a great job and going to school...I wish you the best of luck with everything, and hopefully you will stil ask valuable questions like this one despite some of the negative feedback (Donna!!).
:)

I think you have to realize first that she has a significant beef. IF you were to marry this guy, he would be your next of kin -- and should be all that that means emotionally and commitment-wise. But right now SHE is your next of kin. I know kids don't spell it out in legal details, but she is no doubt aware that she would be "displaced" as your only significant relationship, one way or the other.

In addition to that, she was involved at some level with the guy you dated when she was little -- and he left. And it hurt. Children open their hearts to people very quickly, and they get hurt a whole lot when they leave the environment. So part of her "knows" not to get involved.

I think you did a good job by probing a little, and asking what was wrong. I also think that you're going to have to allow her the freedom to choose whom she trusts. She doesn't trust this guy, she's already decided not to like him and not to be polite, and it's up to you how much rope you give her. If you want her to be polite, you could talk to her and tell her that when any guest comes to the house, you expect her to put up with and participate nicely in a little small talk, after which she can go to her room if she prefers. If it's not the politeness issue, and you just want them to get to know each other, then I think you're really going to have to wait until she's ready to get to know him.

Frankly, if this guy is a REALLY good guy, then I think you can wait and HE can wait for your daughter's timetable to run out. You've only been seeing him for a month, so, good as it may be, you have no idea if this is going to last more than 6 months. While it's 'nice' to make it an "us" event for you and her when he comes to visit, it's only been a month. Why should she get to know him if it might break up one day down the road?

And, then, speaking from experience, if you end up marrying the guy, or if he ends up moving in, it may end up being the clash of the titans, because she is used to your undivided attention and suddenly it's divided and she's at the bottom of the totem pole.

My best advice ? Enjoy this new relationship with the good guy. Also make a point to do fun things with your daughter without him. If she balks (as a pre-teen) at "time off with mom", then invite another friend to come, too, and do something fun. It will make her continue to feel special in your eyes. When the time is right, plan something fun to do with your man and your daughter -- and maybe even a special (female) friend of hers. If her friend starts to chat with the guy, it's gonna be a whole lot harder for her to run off --esp if you're doing something she REALLY REALLY wants to do !

But give the whole situation the gift of time. Good things take time and I'm assuming you want this to be a really GOOD thing.

Being a single parent is very rough and is not a whole lot of fun. I commend your courage.

I will respectfully disagree with the below poster on this topic. I do agree that “a parade of men, boyfriends, daddies, or otherwise” is not a good thing. However, you have stated in your topic that is not the case, and you have not brought any of these people home to meet your daughter, so I don’t really know where she got that from, other than as a rather low underhanded slap to your morals and virtues.

Here are my thoughts on the matter:

Putting your life on hold for the next 7 years to raise your child alone may sound like a great and noble thing to do, and in a perfect world, maybe it would be.

But we don’t live in a perfect world.

It’s easy for someone to give advice based upon what might work for THEM. But that does not mean that it will work for other people the same way.

Personally, if I was a single person, I wouldn’t want to be alone until my kid was 18 if I thought that I had good chemistry with someone and that they could end up being a permanent addition to my life.

If you and this fellow get along great, then this could be the person you’ve waited your entire life for. Chances are, they will be pushed away by your efforts to ‘separate’ church and state as it were, or rather, your relationship and your parental responsibilities.

If you keep this guy at arm’s length, just how close can you really get?

I would not consider an 11 year old who is coming into the bud of her womanhood to be ‘pretty little’ I’d consider her a young adult, and young adults can handle more adult subjects.

Your job is not to shelve your love life until your child is 18. She’s definitely old enough to handle the fact that she’s not going to be the center of your life forever. She may have to do a bit of growing up and ‘get over it’, as the saying goes.

She’s also probably quite hormonal right now, and is acting out because she wants to be a big girl and your little girl all at the same time. Unfortunately, reality doesn’t work that way.

I’ve seen children run and ruin their parents dating life because of jealousy, and it never turns out well. The child learns that they can reject any and all possible mates of their parents by being a brat, and the parent eventually deep down resents the child because of their constant and relentless interference in their adult love life.

So the single parent ends up lonely and alone and without adult companionship, and is usually pretty bitter over it, and often, unconsciously takes it out on the child, who is the architect of their parent’s relationship control. I don’t think that’s the kind of ‘attention’ your daughter wants from you.

Love her abundantly, but let her know that your personal life is just that, and is NOT subject to her control. If you wish to keep your love life ‘out of the house’ for a while, that’s certainly fine. But if it is going to go anywhere serious, then you daughter will have to meet the fellow, especially if you grow into feeling like you want to move in together and the relationship turns into something more substantial than a casual date.

So the answers to: "I don't want you to have any friends, I don't want you going out with anyone...ever." Are:

1.) I will have as many friends as I desire to have, and you have no say in the matter. I don’t pick your friends for you, and you certainly don’t pick mine.

2.) I will go out with whomever I want, whenever I want. I won’t pick YOUR boyfriends for you, and you certainly don’t pick mine. You need to respect me as I respect you. I love you sweetie, but the bottom line is, you have no choice in regards to my friends or my love life.

If she can’t understand this, ask her how she’d like it if YOU picked HER friends, or told her which boys she could date and which she couldn’t. I don’t think she’d like those draconian measures so much if they were applied to HER.

That’s pretty much it. She has no choice in the matter, and the sooner she realizes this, the sooner she gets over it and life moves on.

I'm with Suzie 100%
I think that was a low blow from Donna
Well illustrated, Jan,
And on the part of Denise, I'm wondering how in the heck is ELEVEN years old "still pretty little"? Sheesh, when my friends and neighbors and I were that age we were 5'7" and wearing bras! :P (That was not an exaggeration by the way.)

Now for my real input.
Your daughter is dealing with a lot of changes: new home, new hormones and changing-into-a-woman body, it could be that "new mama's boyfriend" is like the straw that broke the camel's back for her. Unfotunately we're also headed for a lot of new things on the horizon with our imminent economic depression, so it doesn't end there. :P

What she needs to do is stop shutting you out. You need to confront her and let her know how much you love her, and you want to help her, work with her, and understand her and her point of view, but that you can't do that if she keeps clamming up. Nothing is going to be resolved if you keep slamming into a bunch of silent dead-ends, you both need to work together (let her know that). My dad had this approach with me, but my mother's approach was to judge and dictate to me, so which one do you think I opened up to more and knew better how to handle me? ;) Just a suggestion there.

There's also something you mentioned that I can't abide.
"...actually told me 'I don't want you to have any friends, I don't want you going out with anyone...ever."'
Just WHO the heck does your ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD think she IS?! YOUR mother?! Bollocks to that, says me! :P

Wow, these are some kind of emotional responses. I can tell you my story which is similar to yours. It was my daughter and I from day one too, I was older though, 32 when she was born. I dated very little, that was my choice and it was ok. Then I met someone wonderful and we had a whirlwind romance and got married after 6 months, when my daughter was 10. We moved from MD to PA, bought a house, I didn't have to work (but did anyway) and things were great. For 2 months. My husband turned into a controlling, verbally abusive monster. We tried to work it out - counseling, church help, but here we are 3 years later and no changes. Now I'm stuck without a job. My husband had me leave my job to work at home for him. I thought he really needed the help but now I see it was just another means to isolate and control me. He's horribly jealous of my daughter and I because he has 3 kids of his own, 2 of which haven't talked to him in years and the 3rd puts on the nice act to get money from him.

Now I'm desperately trying to get a job in this lousy economy so we can get away from him. I'm putting on the controlled little robot act just to keep the peace in the meantime.

My advice to you is 1) keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. She's your priority. She has major feelings to deal with right now. She's the one who will be your family forever. And 2) take it slow with Mr. Wonderful. A month of dating is called infatuation. I know everything looks good now but it takes a longggggggg time to see the whole picture. I don't mean to assume he'll turn out horrible, but you do need to know what he wants out of life, how he handles stress, how he handles disagreements, what kind of father he is, what kind of stepfather he'd be, etc.

I know how lonely it gets. But keep your wits about you when those hormones start flying!

I really wish you and your baby the best!

I'm with Denise on this one. Her advice was good and was not a personal attack.
Your child should come first.
If you aren't willing to do that, than might i suggest that you at least wait a longer period of time than one month, to force their meeting.
Hold on, i think i'm missing something, i just re-read your post and your daughter and this man Have already met.

"He's a nice guy, I like him, we have fun together and he wants so much to meet my daughter and get to know her."

so he has met her but it's not going well, and you want advice on how to make them like each other??

I would give her time to get used to the idea of him, and not force the meetings right way. If you want to go out on dates that's fine, tell her where you are going and with whom, but he doesn't have to come around the house if she is that upset about it. Give it 6 months, a year, and if he is still around then you can start including him in family events.
I also get a BIG BIG red flag if i hear that he can't be patient and understand that your daughter needs more time. No guy worth having is going to tell you to pick your daughter over him.
make sure that you are still there to take care of your daughter, and do things with her and show love to her, and over time, if she sees that this man makes you happy and treats you well then I"m sure she will understand that you aren't abandoning her.
It's your choice to do what you please, but i think you need to do all you can for your daughter. And if this guy really is great after one month, he'll still be great in 6 months.

You have already been given a lot of advice, some good, some not so good. I think some folks out to think awhile about a negative post before they post it. They might be really out of line, especially with someone they don't even know.

Give yourself and your daughter some time. If this is Mr. Right, things will work out. Maybe your daughter sees something in him you don't see, kids can be very intuitive. A month really isn't very long to really know the guy. If you want him to come over, explain to your daughter that she should be polite. I mean you would expect her to be polite to anyone that comes over right? Then give her some space to get to know the guy, while you get to know him.

Just as being single mom is tough, so is being a kid of a single mom, especially one beginning adolescence. That is hard as it is. Doing the opposite of what parents want is a typical teen reaction.

I think that if the guy is sensitive and as great as you say he is, and you are sensitive to your child's feelings, she will come around.

If he is the guy for you, then you are really blessed. It's not easy finding a great guy these days. I know it took me until I was 28 to find the one. Some ladies never do and settle for less.

Q.,

For the best advice, I decided to ask my 16 year old daughter her reaction and for her advice. She has lived through this, as I am a single mother, and have been dating, and actually getting married this summer. Here is what Miranda has to say,

"Dont push her to do anything she is not comfortable with. Recently being 11 and going through changes just let her calm down. Let her know that you will not push her to meet him if she is not ready. Right now she is feeling that you probably are not giving her as much attention as she is used to. Also going through something new with her body will keep her reserved and distant. She probably feels like everybody knows about her bodily functions and that he can see right through her. Also she is probably scared about things changing more for things have already changed so much already. She is confused and scared. Be patient. She will come around. Also keep your eyes open on how he treats your little one. she can see things that you probably cant right now. As a 15 year old i was very upset by the fact that my mom was dating again. i was very uncomfortable wit the idea and did wantt her to not love me anymore. I didnt want her to leave me like my father did and not care for me. I am not really sure what and 11 year old may feel for i was just somewhat older. I soon came to the conclusion that she was not going to leave me like my father and that i should probably give him a chance and he turned out to be a really nice man. Just sit down and talk to her a little but more but also tell her that you will not preasure her into anything, and that you are always going to be there for her and that you are on her side in all of this and you will never stop being mommy. Its tuff being the child in this kind of situation but you are more confused than anything. bewing scared is the second emmotion. I don't know what else to say, but if that doesnt work then i am sorry. I cant think of any more advice to give you. I hope it all works out."

Quanette,
This response is not going to be popular, especially with single moms. But I want to express my opinion, nonetheless. Let me also say that I understand that you are a young woman and male companionship is probably very important to you at this age.
I have a 28 year old niece who is in the same situation, but her son is only 3.
I will give you the same advice that I gave her regarding dating when you have a young child. You can feel free to take it or leave it. I am in no way criticizing you.
My belief is that when you have children under the age of 18, your job (and a full time O.!) is to raise that child to adulthood. No child needs a parade of men, boyfriends, daddies or otherwise traipsing through their lives. They will form bonds, then the mom breaks up with the man and she looses another man from her life. And think of HIS daughter, she m,ay get close to you and then - poof -- you may disappear from her life as well. Children just don't have the emotional fortitude to shoulder that kind of loss.
Your daughter is already expressing that she doesn't want this guy in her life. Respect her wishes to have you all to herself. If you can keep this guy separate from your life with your daughter, go ahead and "date" him. Outside of your homes. No overnights.
When your daughter is 18, you can concentrate on your love life. Put her fist right now. She's still pretty little. God bless!

Hey,

You are right to focus on yourself and your love life as a woman as well as all your most important priorities in life. I see no harm in dating responsibly.

What I do think is WAY premature here, is trying to get your daughter and family involved in accepting this man into your life as a big deal. You are saying you've been seeing him for a month. You're saying he "seems to be a good guy so far". This qualifies him as your new friend. Nothing more. Your daughter really doesn't need to talk to him. She is scared because she is thinking of him as a possible permanent new fixture, a huge adjustment, a major force, and he is none of the above at this stage. You shouldn't be attaching any great importance to him in regards to wanting her to accept him in any way.

When I was single and childless I often didn't get around to introducing new guys to my closest friends until I had been seeing them for months and we had become inseperable and fallen madly in love (temporarily). Family, forget it. I think they met one boyfriend when I was 26, and then my husband when I was 31. I tell stories today about old boyfriends and no one in my family knows who I'm even talking about. Thank God. Keep the freak show on the sidelines so to speak. I know this guy isn't a freak, it's just what my girlfriends and I say. We don't even want to meet other people's guys until it's serious, because it's too annoying becoming friends and then breaking up with them and the whole group has to deal with it.

If I was now single, I would NEVER introduce my kids to a man as anything other than a friend until I was engaged, and they wouldn't be spending any time with him at all until he was my real boyfriend (almost engaged) after lots of time and soul searching between myself and him-OK, enough with the opposite extreme-that's just me.

It sounds like you met a really nice guy. He could potentially be a great friend. He may even turn out to be your boyfriend. Maybe you already consider him to be your boyfriend. But right now, your daughter does NOT need to think he has any sort of place of importance in your life. She is under no obligation to talk to him. You don't want to teach her that it is so easy for a man to become important in the family. You do not want her to feel threatened. You do want her to pick her future men carefully. Lead by strong example. This man is nothing until he has proved himself to be patient.

Be totally honest with her. Say, "'So and so' is just my friend. You don't have to spend any time with him." Be honest to her when you are out with him "getting to know him". Tell nice stories about him and let her know you enjoy him, but don't expect her to get excited, and don't act like he's definitely your new man or like he has any control your lives at this point.

In six months or a year, when you know you are soul mates and you are engaged, you can let her know it is important to you that she supports you, as you are all going to be a family.

Meanwhile, put your family first. Make sure your daughter knows she doesn't control you, but she is the most important person in your life. Date your friend in your spare time. Good luck finding true love!

Q.,
What I hear her saying though is she doesn't feel like she gets enough of your time and wants more time with you. If you want her to be OK w/ your new guy, I would spend A LOT more time with her first and then add him into the equation. The issue might not be the guy but rather how much she needs her mother to be with her and talk with her now.(careful not to spend it w/ movies or TV since you don't get to talk that way)

We were never allowed to lock the doors in my house. My father would have taken the doorknob off or even the door off the hinges before that happened. I wouldn't force them to be friends but for her to politely spend short amounts of time together seems reasonable... you might want neutral territory like a restaurant or zoo or for no cost, a park.

It's important to set the tone now or the teen years will be even worse. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want with your daughter. Who is in charge? Are you a mom or friend?

Hi Q.!

When I became single about eight years ago and started talking to men, I still had five children at home, two girls and three boys between the ages of 17 and 9. I invited one of the men I was seeing over as a dinner guest, but he never "went upstairs". He was introduced as a family friend. I met my husband on line and we wrote letters for a month before we even met face to face. My kids met him a few months later and they all tried to run him off. He was patient and understanding, and eventually they trusted him more and more. One month is a relatively short time for you to know if he's the one. I suggest that you be patient, and for now, your daughter comes first. Respect her reluctance and protect her feelings from getting hurt.

To those who suggest Q. stay single until her daughter is 18... if Q. were married/in a relationship, this child wouldn't have her "all to herself." I am married and therefore my daughter has to "share" me with my husband. I appreciate that my daughter has her father, so its not the same. But my point is no one would ever tell a married woman to "focus all your energy on your child." Both my mother and mother in law took that track, once they were divorced they never dated and now they are very lonely. My husband and I both wish they would have taken a try and pray for them to find someone, even now, when they're in their 60s.

Q. - I'm not sure how much advise I can offer... but from my single days I remember how flakey men can be, and I recall the "honeymoon" period could last at least three months, after which they might just disappear. There's something about all those hormone flying around in the beginning that can be a little deceptive! So do your best to shield your daughter until you're pretty sure he's THE ONE. I hope he is... and wish you all the best!

Eleven is the new 15. I think her behavior sounds like classic teen girl behavior. I don't think it is necessarily related to your dating. You should address this behavior.
The only advice I have is that you may want to take your daughter out on "dates" as well. She may be feeling less important right now. If you set aside a time each week to do something she thinks is fun (not running erands or doing homework) she may come around.

I can't really give you much advice, but my sister recently went through something similar with her 14 year old. My sister and her husband have only been separated a few years so when my sister started dating her current boyfriend, my niece wanted nothing to do with him. My sister has been dating him for over a year now and my niece has come around and actually likes the guy now. My sister made sure to spend time with my niece alone as well as with her boyfriend and she eventually warmed up to him. Good luck with your situation. I'm sorry I didn't have real advice to give, but I thought what I did have might be of some encouragement.

I think also she is very use to being just you and her and that she is a bit jealous.

Don't take it so slow either and sometimes let him come over and don't make it a big deal.

while you need to be there for her, she also needs to understand that you need your own life and have needs and best thing you can show her is a loving relationship with a man.

As for the response you wait till they 18, then maybe no one should get married at all until their kid 18, or forget about their husband till the kids 18

I am a bit ashamed by some of the responses below, you know who you are ladies!

Q., as a single mom myself I know dating can be quite challenging. It is nice when you come across a person you finally feel safe enough to bring into your life and also introduce to your child (no matter what the age is).
Seems your daughter is just starting to go through puberty and she just does not care for a male figure in her life...
You stated you had one person she connected with in the past, she may be afraid to bond with another and lose that person. Is the loss maybe still too fresh for her? Is she still able to communicate with that guy regardless of your ended relationship with him?

Now you said you know this guy for about a month, that's not a lot of time to truly know somebody. Take the time to date him without your child involved and if he cares enough about you he will understand and not stress the issue. Just go out with him or meet him outside of the home. The home is like your daughter's sacred haven, keep it that way so she will feel secure.

Time will show if he is the right one and will also give your daughter more time to adjust to the thought of a new person in your life, having to share you and possibly having to deal with a new person in her life.

Good luck and please disregard the negative judgmental posts below, don't take them personal or to heart... these people don't know you nor ever had to walk a mile in your shoes, most likely never have been a single parent in their life.

Hi Q.,
My name is H.. I'm 29 and married. But my soon to be 10 year old was 6 when I married my husband.
It is not easy at all. My husband is a great man, we have since had 2 more children. Again, it is not easy.
My daughter struggles with feeling left out, feeling resentful of my husband, wishing her dad was around (he's in IL). She is very sensitive to our arguing, everything. And honestly, we have a better home life/relationship with each other than most people.
I can't say enough that it is really wise of you to seek advice. Ron Deal is a guy who runs a ministry for step parents. They do seminars and parents learn a ton and he is awesome. He's got some books out too.
Those tools have been the most helpful to us as we have attempted to help our family to bond.
I wish you the best and my best advice at the moment is to take it SLOW. A month is not long enough for your 11 year old. Ron Deal says that as a general rule of thumb - whatever age the child is at the point of marriage (not meeting or beginning dating). That is the length of time it will take for the child and step parent to feel like family. So in your case a minimum of 11,12,13 years.
Yes, I'm being sobering and I'm sorry - but the fact is step parenting is really really difficult and tough on kids and adults alike. I was a stepchild (my mom married when I was 10) and now I'm living it as the adult and we work at it every day.
I wish you the best. Mostly I wish you find (or have already found) someone mature, selfless and able to give and give and give without getting anything back in return. That sums up a step parents life pretty accurately. I guess the same goes for you as you venture into becoming a step parent for his daughter.
Best wishes,
-H.