Single Mom Advice - Walkersville,MD

I am a single mom and yes, it's hard, but totally fun and worth it.
One thing that might be great for you is a single parents social
Group. The one I belong to is more for friendship rather than dating,
Which I like at this point in my life. There are plenty of low cost
Or free activities and you can chat with other adults and the kids
have fun too. (Or at this age you can bring him and it wouldn't feel
uncomfortable for you). The one I belong to is Single
Parents in Northern Virginia (SPIN). Google it
If you are interested.

T.,

I am also a single mom and like the others mom who have already responded to you post, being a a mom in general is tough, but you can do it. Don't focus on the future, just take it day to day and spend as much time with your son that can - they grow up so quickly. You are truly fortunate that you were able to move back with your parents, so be thankful for that - you are already ahead of the game.

Now - your son's dad - another reason to be thankful. He walked away and that can be a good thing. Why be in a relationship with someone who is not contributing. You are better off without him and your son does not need to grow up in a home with a father who does not contribute or spend time with him. You are his mother and the only person he needs.

I don't have any sound advice about seeking child support, but your County Child Enforcement Agency will handle your case at no charge, but it might take up to 2 years if you go through them. They are bombarded with cases upon cases, so this is a much longer process. I don't know if you have any money, but there are several attorney's who will take your case with a small retainer (I know one who requires a $3700 retainer) and you can get your child support (court ordered along with a paternity test) within 8 months. If you'd like their name, send me a personal note and I'd be happy to share.

We're all wishing you well and we're with you. Keep us updated.

For your baby's sake, continue to take the help from your parents. Your son deserves to have you in a stable environment that will allow you to focus on him - and him only. For at least a few months until you are past the toughest parts of having a newborn.

Don't feel guilt about taking the help! Your parents love you and this little guy and you have the rest of the kid's life to give him everything!!
The stress of guilt could be detrimental to your bonding and nursing -- just give yourself some time!

You have lots of good advice here. I too am a single Mom. My ex and I pslit when I was only 3 months pregnant too. My daughter is now 2. It's hard work, but totally worth it. The support of your family is everything. The only thing I would like to reiterate to you is PLEASE go file for child support. The Department of Child Support Enforcement was wonderful throughout the entire process. I know that it feels overwhelming, but take it little by little and keep in mind that it's not for you but for your son.

ok
here goes..
a.. get your tubes tied because chances are good mr. baby maker will try to weasel his way back into your life in a few short months.. probably sooner. men like that tend to
come back around just long to get you pregnant.. again.talk
to some of your female friends in your old neighborhood,
chances are good he made the rounds. who knows maybe one
of them can get him to give her or you a sample of dna
b.. you need to hire a private investigator,to see if he has done this before or since because if he
has flown the coop more than once it shows a pattern
of behavior and if enough women come forward that he has
jumped ship on, he can be forced to give a dna sample,
whether he wants to or not.
guy i used to know, years ago, thought it was so manly
to go around knocking up under age girls and then
walking away, even made the mistake of bragging about it,
at least he thought it was funny until i picked up the phone and told his fiancees father, who just happened to be my cousin, how many children he had fathered by underage girls and at least one married woman
revenge is a dish best served cold
K. H.

Hi, T. - You are in a tough spot; unfortunately, you have lots of company. Try to relax; things have a way of working out. Look for online groups for single parents; you may be able to find some in-person groups thru Meetup. Would your parents watch the baby once a week or once a month, so you could get out? Hope so! Or, maybe look for babysitting swaps with another single mom. If I can help with supplemental income, I do work with lots of stay-at-home moms, and I'm happy to share what I do. Good luck!

Hi T.,

I completely understand your situation. I am a 33 year old single mother and I recently moved to the area for a job. My child's father lives in another state so he only sees his child on Christmas when I take him to visit his dad and my other family. I don't have anyone in this area that I trust enough to watch my child while I go out so I stay at home. In order to keep my sanity, I exercise at the house. That alone has helped tremendous with my stress level. I also take my son out to do at least one fun activity a week (i.e. Chuck-E-Cheese. That's a good way to meet other parents and have some adult interaction while incorporating your child. My prayers are with you because I clearly understand your situation. Just know that you are not alone and although it's very difficult, it cane be done and the reward is great. When you look in your child's eyes and see the love it is all worth while. God Bless.

Hi T.,

I was in the same situation as you. All I can say is it's gets easier. My marriage fell apart when my son was 6 weeks old. I was alone with a new baby and no one to help me. I was a full time student before I had my son so I was also out of work. I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel sad, angry and jealous when I saw married couples with their baby. But like I said, it gets better. This is the hardest part when the baby is so young.

The best advice I could give you at this time is to hand the baby over to your Mom or Dad when you get too frustrated/overwhelmed and go for a walk, drive to the store. Do something to give yourself some time away, even if it's just 30 min. It helps tremendously.

Also, message me if you like. Maybe if you vent to someone who gets what you're going thru that may help to.

Take care,
A.

find a church with sunday school classes for adults. maybe this can be your time with others and maybe you'll find a beau while your there. also once your more stable try a dating site. of course id recomend the christian ones but if you rent christian i'm not sure how youll like my ideas. another thing you can do is join a group in your area with moms just like you. i like yahoogroups.com and type in what you want like your city, moms, possibly single moms and get to know some great woman that way who you can talk to online and get support from and possibly a great friendship out of.

I am a single mom as well and raised my son by myself as well. My son's father did help out but not much and only saw his son 6 times until he was 16. Then he finally told his parents about their grandson and he became a little more involved and they became involved on holidays and when he came home from college. I didn't have any family around so I had to do it alone but there were friends I had from the church I was in and they REALLY helped. They would help with various things, babysitting so I could get out at least once a month, or for a date and they were there until he was 6. After that other friends came along and helped and I was making more money by then. It isn't easy and you do feel like you're going crazy and stressed out. You will make mistakes but yet your son will know that you love him. However, don't discount his father - even if his father is a jerk - because at some point he may want to spend time with him and it will make it more difficult if he hears only bad things about him. It also makes your son feel worse and by the time he understands what's going on he will take the rejection of his dad out on you but won't understand that that is what is happening. I'm sure that your parents and friends will be a big help to you during this time and give your son some stability. Just do your best and your son will appreciate it even when they don't show it when they're older but they come around just like we did with our parents. Hope you can find a balance between work (or school) and your family. God bless.

It is very overwhelming having a baby. Just take one day at a time and don't worry about the father or meetign someone else. Just take care of yourself and your baby. Focus on your baby, and yourself and everything will fall into place in due time.

T.,

I too am a single mom and although every situation is different, all I can say is hang in there - things will get easier and better. As your son gets older you will both settle into more of a routine. Don't feel bad about relying on your parents for help. My son is 4 years old now and his father is active in life, but I still have to rely on my parents for help. That is what family is there for. I understand what you mean about seeing other families and being sad, I feel the same way. But you are very young, and the likelihood of you finding that happiness with someone special are high. I try to keep my stress levels lower by focusing on how much I love my son, how blessed I am to have a happy, healthy child, and by trying to see things through his eyes. Don't try to make everything perfect; although it's cliche, it is very true - don't sweat the small stuff. Good luck with your job hunt!

C.

I too am NOT a single Mom, but wven with experience (two kids) and support from a good husband, it can be so hard!!!!!! I personally think that you need to take a year or two to focus on you and your child. It's an unfortunate consequence of a bad relationship choice. Even being in a happy marriage, it is hard to focus on one another. I can't imagine how you make a go of a new relationship. And frankly, I feel to do so now would be unfair to your baby. He must be the number one man in your life.

Don't add more stress by dating, etc. Figure out being a mom, parenting your son, and planning the future. Instead of feeling like you are missing out, make an active choice to do what is best for your son. Then later you will be ready to be a giving and receptive part of a couple, and be sensible about bringing a stranger into your child's life at some point.

That is not to say that YOU don't need YOU time. Occasionally, leave him at daycare for half an hour and get a cup of coffee or a pedicure or take a nap. Whatever. It did me wonders to have an hour or two to myself ever week or two. I would think you need that even more being on your own. Don't feel guilty about occasional time for yourself.

On a side note, something that took away stess for me as a (married) parent was to work on my child's security. We got wills and life insurance. We started a savings account in their names, and sometimes it's only $5 a month but it makes me feel better. With the uncertainty of your ex, those are some things that might make you feel better moment to moment. And keep pursuing child support - he is entitled ot it!! GOod for you for making it legal.

Good luck. Just love your son, teach him kindness, patience, and forgiveness - for your ex, but even for you when you are having a hard day. I am in awe of women who do what you are doing.

T.,

First, try to relax. I know that it is easier said than done. I am a single mommy to a wonderfully, smart, energetic 13 month old girl. I am a single mom by choice. I knew that it would be hard sometimes. My mom, actually my whole family is great. My mom babysits and so does my sister in law when I work. When I am off, my daughter is always with me. I take her to swim lessons, baby gymnastics, the park, playdates, and a lot of other places. I also play with her a lot. I try to keep her busy with activities. She is a bright little girl. She is already trying to tie shoelaces.
I use my drive time to work for alone time. I put on my favorite music (whenever my daughter is in the car, we listen to toddler songs like "This Old Man". I get through my work day and rush home to her. By the time I get home from work, I am calmed down from a stressful day and I am ready to spend the rest of the day with my daughter. Whether I am making her a meal or snack, filling up the kiddie pool, or pulling her in her wagon.
Now, concentrate on your son. He is the most important person in the world. His needs have to come first before yours or anyone elses needs. If you need to take some time for yourself, ask your parents to watch him for an hour while you take a walk or take a shower. Don't worry about dating. Maybe one day you will find Mr. Right. There are groups out there like Parents without Partners. I am sure there are others, but I am not sure. I have never joined any of those groups. As for your son's father, forget about him. He is not worth the time or energy worrying about him. But you can always get him served with the papers to do the paternity test. The courts can force him to pay child support if he is the father. The state can garnish his wages if he is working and in future jobs. Failing to pay child support also affects his driver's license. Not paying child support also gets your driver's license suspended. If you need someone to talk to, you can shoot me an email. I'm not quite sure where Walkersville is. Good Luck.

Hi T.,

Hang in there!! I think you are a brave soul and admire single moms tremendously!!!!

I would find a local Mom's group. You can look on yahoo groups or meetup.com. They are AMAZING sources of support and help when needed. Also you could look for a babysitting co-op group, they swap baby care with one another.

Good luck to you!!
S.

Hi T.,

I was a single mom in a situation very much like yours from the time my son was born until he was six (when I met the love of my life and we got married). Reading your post, I remember feeling exactly the way you are now. With your son just 5 weeks old, you are in what I thought was the hardest part of being a new mom. But, as your son grows and you get more used to being a mom, it does get easier, literally each month. Also, in addition to being in a tough spot, you might have a little post partum depression, so if you continue to feel down and overwhelmed, see your doctor.

In our case, I can't say that there was a lot of balance between being a mom and having time for myself for a long time. Like yours, my parents were helpful, but I still had all the responsibility. Finding daycare that I trusted helped me actually feel good about going back to work because I knew he would be happy and entertained there, and going back to work was good for me because it reminded me that I was still my old, capable professional self. As far as taking time for myself, I had a job where I could schedule a haircut or nail appointment during my lunch now and then, and that helped. But that was pretty much it.

As for keeping your stress from affecting your son, that is tricky because you are human and at points, he is just going to see you be human. I can remember breaking down and crying while folding laundry in front of my son when he was about two because it all just seemed like too much. I think as long as your stress isn't causing anger or you to mistreat him, things like that are going to happen. If you do feel more negative aspects of stress, try to find help through a professional counselor.

Finally, one thing that really helped me was finding a coworker that was also a single parent. After we got the kids down to sleep, we'd call each other and talk and laugh and have a glass of wine over the phone with each other. So even though we were not going out, it was a time to just be ourselves for a while. Finding a friend or two like this could help a lot.

Finally, it helped to just focus on my son and have what used to be "my" time become "our" time. On Saturday mornings, instead of going to the gym like I used to do, I'd put him in his stroller and go for a walk with him. One benefit of being a single parent that dosen't really get talked about is the bond that you can create between yourself and your child. Even though we have a dad in the picture now, my son and I are so, so close and I really value that.

Good luck and just take it one day at a time. Honestly, sometimes it will be just one hour at a time. Just remind yourself that you are great and strong and can do this.

I too am not single, but just wanted to say how overwhelmed I was when my son was born. It totally surprised me. Every year it gets better and now he's three and I'm feeling much more myself. So I agree about just being with your son for a few years before looking around to date someone else. And if you are getting along with your parents and they are good for your son and willing to help, I would take them up on it. Even once you start working, getting money in savings would take a lot of pressure off instead of worrying about hitting rent/house payment, insurance, health insurance, baby clothes and toys, etc. So you might talk to them about staying for awhile while you get things in order. Just a thought. I would have asked for more help if I had to do it over again. And to reduce stress, I would have eliminated email and other things that I thought I could do and spent more time reading or sleeping and just "being" with my son. Good luck to you!! D.

Hi T. I am a 25 year old mother of two and I know how you feel. But it’s really not that hard you just have to get motivated. Don’t let this situation break you. You seem like a strong women and I know you can do it. I normally don’t recommend this but there is nothing wrong with a little public assistance. It can really help you if not for anything at least for childcare because I work full time and go to school and I pay for childcare out my pockets and its a killer so I understand. But don’t worry about the dad if he is a real man he will come around but if he doesn’t you may not want him around your kid anyway because a real man would never leave his child no matter what. But keep you head and don’t worry so much enjoy this time you have with your son because you can’t get it back.

Hi T.

I'm not a single mom so cannot comment on how to go about being the sole parent , but what I do know is that your baby is only 5 weeks old and whether you are a single parent or in a relationship you would still feel overwhelmed at the moment , the early weeks are hard especially when you are a new parent but it does get better. For the moment just focus on each day as it comes and try not to think too far into the future , accept any help your parents offer , even if it is so you can go to a starbucks for 30 mins by yourself.

I know you feel bad for your son missing out having a dad but he has made his decsion and you can do is be there for you son and do your best , his father is the one that is going to miss out.

Your doing a great job!

K.

Hi T.,
I'm not a single Mom, but it sometimes feels like I am. First off, congrats on your son! The fact that his Dad is being irresponsible, is his Dad's issue, not yours. Here are some guidelines, that I hope will help.
1. Go to the court and file for official child support. If his name is on the birth certificate, he can't claim that he's not the Dad. If his name is not on the birth certificate, then the court will order a paternity test. You should get this done sooner rather than later. The money may not come in, but its important to establish the link now.
2. For finding someone else. You need to give yourself time to figure out the parenting thing. Try not to worry about the 'someone else'. You will find them when you are supposed to. The more confident you are as a parent, the more people will be drawn to you.
3. For employment, have you considered working in a daycare center or setting? The centers let you bring your child to work, at a discounted tuition. Or perhaps a home health aide/companion. Sometimes, they let you bring your kids. Another option would be a bus driver. They let you bring your kids on the bus, as long as they don't scream alot.
If you are really outgoing, you could sell AVON or such, where you can set your own hours.
Good luck
M.

I'm sure you are already getting lots of wonderful, encouraging advice; take advantage of that! I posted on here not too long ago when I was feeling overwhelmed and it really helped to hear from other moms who have been there and care. I would like to encourage you to seek child support from your ex, through the juvenile court system. With a tight income, they will most likely waive any fees associated with filing paperwork due to your income. I didn't file for child support for almost a year because I felt like I was at fault. I now realize how crucial having that support for my kids is. It helped balance the overwhelming feelings of how to care for my kids and that has helped me live my life and be a happier mom. As far as the paternity test, when you go to file for child support, that should be court ordered anyway, or, if you were married when you got pregnant a paternity test isn't necesary. I hope this helps some! Please feel free to send me a personal message if you need to talk to someone!