An Unknown Child.... from My Hunsband's Past.... ???

If there is a financial strain with the paternity test, Oregon is one of the states that has just started carrying an over-the-counter test. It still gets sent off and is not fool proof, but it's only 20 dollars called the Identigene kit. A test done through the doc's office would be better though!

Try to calm down. Is there any way you can get her to cooperate so that you can do a DNA test? With out the test it will be hard to make any decisions. BettyG

Before you do anything else..GET A DNA test!!!
then when the test comes back positive then you can think about what to do. If its negitive....nothing more needs to be done.

I tried to put myself in your shoes and am writing this as a wife and mother and as a lawyer.

If this happened to my husband, the first thing I would do would be to tell him that I would support him 100% in his decision. I would also tell him that, as a mother, my heart goes out to this little boy and I would be willing to do whatever was necessary to be the best stepmother.

The next thing I would do would be to make an appointment for him with a family law attorney (preferably through a law firm that has attorneys who are also licensed to practice law in California. If the child was conceived in Washington and the father had no idea she was pregnant, then Washington should have jurisdiction over the child - but I have not researched this issue and it's been many years since I took my civil procedure class so do NOT take my word for this. You desperately need to have an attorney to help you navigate this mess). I would be willing to go with my husband, but I'd want him to be free to speak freely with the lawyer - and I wouldn't want him to feel inhibited if I was there. Some attorneys have a free consultation - many of the good attorneys will charge a small fee (up to $150) for the consultation.

I would strongly advise you to speak to an attorney. Your post seems to indicate that you might be inclined to keep your head down in the hopes that this woman will go away. Don't count on this. If your husband doesn't respond and he really is the biological father, your husband is going to wind up in court sooner rather than later. I'd be willing to bet that she will hit him up for child support AND she'll almost definitely be arguing he shouldn't be granted any visitation rights because he ignored the boy and didn't express any interest in him.

My guess is that the attorney will want proof of paternity. If your husband really is the father, he needs to know.

If my husband found out that he had a child from a former relationship, I would definitely be worried about how that child would impact my family. I hope I would focus on that child though. I didn't marry a man who would willingly or knowingly abandon his child. If this happened to my husband, I'm pretty confident he would demand a paternity test and would then exercise his parental rights.

We dealt with this when I first met my husband, before we were married. She had found out that he had a new serious girlfriend and decided to tell him that she thought he was the father of her unborn baby, she hadn't even seen him in months and never told him she was even pregnant until she found out about us!
He was willing to be there if it was, and when paternity tests proved it wasn't, she started backing off. Some women are just no good, sorry you have to deal with one! Great he was honest with you about it. Good man! I told my husband that if it had been his baby that I would have been willing to fight with him for custody and adopt the child as my own, since his mother sounded a lot like the one you're dealing with.

That's personally what I would do, test for paternity, then either be a dad and there for him and deal with her forever, or give the child a better chance at having a loving family relationship..with you and your children. Let me know if you need to talk more!

Get a paternity test first.
I was married 3 years when my husband's ex came to us with his child. She was hurt, bitter, and controlling. I kept my mouth shut, it was about the child, no me. I was insecure at first, but I realized that he chose me, he didn't want to be with her. I was 21 at the time so you can see how difficult that could have been. It took a long time for her to get used to us, be we eventually went from every other weekend to the same but school vacations, and alternating holidays.
Fast forward 13 years, and he has been living with us for almost 3 years now and he and his mom see eachother as much as they like. I NEVER thought it could get this good, but stay humble, your husband has a lot to deal with, be supportive of him, but give him some space to process...men are different when dealing. I now it seems like a lot, but the mother of my son and I are friends now. We don't go out together by any means, but she has her own family now and I actually invite her to our children's birthday parties and she comes with her own children, and it's GOOD, and it's not awkward at all. You don't have to shoot that high of course. But just hang in there, it's totally worth it! I am still happily married to the same man and raising his son whom I love as my own.

Before you lose too much sleep, make sure the child is actually his by demanding a paternity test. If the child is NOT his, you have no further obligation to the woman and can tell her to not contact you, again. If the child IS his, you need to know so that you can seek legal counsel and find out what to do next. If this woman is going to be giving you trouble about a child your husband never knew of, seeking child support, then it's my opinion that you should seek joint custody... Maybe even full custody if the mother is unstable. You should have the opportunity to get to know the child you're paying for, if it really is his.

hello - I, like the other two woman, will say that he needs to get a paternity test. Even if you go to court you WILL have to pay for the paternity test, although I don't think it really is that much, not half as much as the child support will be. If paternity is established than I would go to court or work with a mediator (there is another word for them, I just can't remember what it is) and determine a child support amount. Be aware that if he is the father he will probably owe back child support and depending on the child's age, it can be quite a bit. Financially this may be very difficult for your family.
Now, in regargds to the emotioinal part of it. THAT will probably be even harder. This child has surely heard a lot of different things from a lot of different people. Open up your hearts and your home to him. Let him know that he has a safe place to be. Set down the same rules you have for your three children and make sure that he follows them, with the same consequenses that your other children face.
Your job, I believe, in all of this is to support your husband (which, he very well could be lying to you and know darn good and well that he fathered this child, and is just ignoring him. Sorry, it happens all the time) and to be a loving step parent to the child. Do not get involved with the mother of the boy until all paternity has been established. You don't want to get into screaming matches with her.
He may not grow up mad at all, he may grow up with tons of love in two different families, and that's okay.
good luck L.

And to the lady that I just saw that said something about two children with two different dad's........SO WHAT??? My babies are from two different dad's, not by choice, the first one left in the middle of the night when I was seven months pregnant, never to be seen again. My husband married me and my son, and two years later we had another boy. It is not always the mother's fault that the dead beat dad runs away, shame on you for passing judgement.

First of all, your husband has a legal issue to face. If he is the Father, there will be financial obligation. Especially if this woman is "a little crazy", make sure that your husband does not write anything down that could cause problems for him later in a court of law. He also should insist on a paternity test to make sure that this child has any biological tie to him BEFORE submitting your family to the complications of having a relationship with this boy and by association, his Mother who can cause you all LOTS of problems.

H.

If the test does come back positive, first and foremost, please try and put yourself in the little boy's shoes.
My father died when I was 3 years old; old enough to have been strongly influenced by him and have a huge attachment to him, but too young to know about grieving or missing someone conciously.
All my life, I have felt that there is part of me missing, that there is some part of me that I don't fully understand. I think that our parents reflect alot back to us that enables us to understand ourselves better, hence we feel more complete, balanced and fulfilled whatever our circumstances.
I was fortunate that my mom re-married and I have a wonderful stepdad who has been there for me since age 4. However I am certain that there is something within me that even this good person does not access cos we are not attune with each other the way father and child are.

My point is this. I grew up "missing" a dad no one could have given me back. This little boy has a dad and he is still alive (if he's your husband or not), and I think living without a dad you know is out there would be alot harder to take.

It does'nt sound like you have decided what you feel your husband should or shouldn't do. You are still reeling from the news and are primarily concerned for your family together. That's very understandable and any decent mother would have her kids' security and stability as a primary concern.

It sounds like his mother could be very challenging to work with, but you never know, maybe she has changed. Either way, I feel the boy has a right to know his dad.

It sounds like you have a really good open honest relationship with your husband. Still it must be scary and he is probably scared too - how will this unfold? If it is his child, this is a life long experience cos that's what having children is. But remember that this child's life will also be a life long experience, growing up, negotiating those teen years, coming into your own in your 20's, starting families in your 30's, (that's as far as I've got) and parents or their substitutes are very important role models.

Yes protect your family, look out for your husband, and keep your life sane, but think of the little boy who is the innocent pawn in this.

Your email laid alot of emphasis on her, who she is, how she has behaved, and what has happened. I do understand your stance, but that has to be "by the way"...

If you are able to help this little one grow up to feel loved, happy, content, secure, wanted, and a complete human being, then you will have overly exceeded your role as mother in this lifetime. It's easy to think we can do this for our own kids, but to do that for another? That is harder but exceptional work and it means truly making a difference to someone who clearly needs it (crazy mother, no dad at present.)

I would consult a lawyer as others suggested and your role may not mean he comes to live with you but visits, phone calls, letters, emails, trips that he is invited on, introducing him to the wider family (yes maybe embarassing at first but wow I would be so impressed if one of my family said - here's a son I didn't know I had, but I treat him no differently) That would do so much for his self esteem and so much more.

Patterns tend to repeat themselves. Might he be more likely to abandon his own kid if he felt abandoned? Can you help nip this in the bud? Politicians and organisations may claim to save the world, but I think helping each and every individual we can is what truly makes a difference.

I wish you guidance and trust that all will work out and a really good meal and some good hugs with your husband
Love HC

AP,

I agree with Holly. The first thing you both need to do is establish if this child really is your husband's son. If not then tell the woman to take a flying leap, and to leave you and your family alone.

If your hubby is the father, take the appropriate steps to ensure that this child grows up healthy and happy. If that's with you GREAT!, if it's just visitations, that's okay too.

Hope this helps,
Supportively,
Melissa

The very FIRST thing you need to do is GET A LAWYER! Do that before you even get the paternity test (DNA). A lawyer can guide you through everything that you need to do to prove paternity and anything else that you will need to do. Getting a lawyer involved will also insure that both of you get the true results of the paternity test (DNA). You are definitely going to need legal advice on this one.

Save all the emails and/or any other communication that you receive from the mother/ex-girlfriend also save any communication that you send to her. Give everything to the lawyer so that he can look things over. I think your best bet would really be to avoid as much contact as is possible with her until you have had a lawyers advice.

I really don't think there is any need to say anything to your children or anyone else about this little boy until you have gone through all the legal proceedings; that way if tests should prove that the child is NOT your husbands then you will not have a whole bunch more explaining to do. If the boy should prove to be your husbands then you can start explaining things to your children and others.

If paternity tests should prove that the child is your husbands then you can decide just how involved you want to be in this childs life. Your husband, of course, may end up having to pay child support at least and if the child is his that is only fair.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you luck. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

Wow, you guys are in quite a pickle you guys are in. First of let me say sorry and I feel for you. I am actually in a similar situation but I'm the boys mom. I only have one AND I know who the father. He was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive so we've been separated for almost 5 years now.
I don't want him around, nor am I asking for anything. I actually canceled the $11,867 dollar child support order because they, mom and him, threatened to get join custidy just because he knew that way he wouldn't have to pay for child support.....Yep real stelar guys, telling you I know how to pick them :O)
Any way my advice would be to ask for a paternity test. I believe those are paid for if you guys request it through the court, then you guys can decide from there.
I would def. go the legal way with this one just becuase of mom's rep. it doesn't even get that spendi until you guys decide to go to court I believe.
Good luck
Sue

please get a paternity test before you do anything. it's good that you are both dealing with this honestly, but you don't know if she is. if her child isn't your husbands, it's not your issue. if it is, you can decide how to handle it. you may have to pay for it, but it would be worth it.

What a crazy place to be in! I can imagine the feelings of being torn both ways, you have so much to sort through.

Personally, the FIRST thing I would do before proceeding with either path (taking the child into your lives or not) is to get a paternity test done. Bottom line - the flat out truth needs to be on paper. If she's at all a good mom she'll find a way to not make this step a big deal (also depends on the age of the kiddo). She may get mad for asking for paternity, but hey, we live in a crazy world - you need to protect your family first.

Hang in there! Either way, you will all get through this!

It is well within your right to insist on a paternity test before making any advances. Wait until results come back and then make your decision.

Unfortunately I have had some experience with a few people with mental health issues, that being said you need to protect yourselves, your children and the young child she claims is your husband's. First keep a copy the email or letter from this woman, second contact a lawyer and have them request a paternity test to verify her claim. Based on her past behavior, (and you may need witnesses) if the child is your husband's, request a pyschological evaluation of her. If she has mental health problems and the child is his, this may be the best chance for the child to live a somewhat "normal" life with your family. If the tests show he's not your husband's then keep a record of that test as well (attached to the letter from her), because at some point down the road this young man may come looking for restitution or revenge because of what he has understood to be the truth. If she has mental health issues, it is possible the he may have a biological tendency for the same. This is important info if you are going to be able to help him (afterall if there was a history of diabetes in the family , you would watch for those symptoms in the same manner. Caught early enough alot can be done) I am a firm believer that having more people to love, gives us more people to love us! In other words the little guy could be a wonderful addition to your family BUT you need to know ALL the facts first, hence protecting your family. Also just in case, if he is not your husband's and you see any signs of problems from her, do not hesitate to seek a legal restraining order. All this from someone who has learned alot of lessons the hard way. As far as not sleeping and eating, I believe we are where God wants us to be, perhaps you may be meant to be a instrumental person is this boy's life, or it may lead to a career later in life. Keep your eyes open and learn but don't worry because is wastes energy and you will need it later.

My advice
Before you do ANYTHING else, get a paternaty test!!!!
Its so easy to find out if your husband really IS the father. If he is, he does have a financial obligation to that child and you will probubly find yourself in court because it sounds like this woman isn't reasonable or responsible. These things never end up well for the child though. You have a responsibility to your family to keep them out of that mess if you can help it. Minimize contact, save all emails/letters to validate your side (and her contradictions). Never meet her alone (witnesses) and pray things work out for your family. Get that test done first though, because it sounds like it could very well NOT be your husbands child and then you can just walk away from it all and save your family alot of stress and heartache.
This is a really good lesson for your children though of how past mistakes can bite you later on and cause unessesary heartache.
I really hope things work out for you! Jen

Unfortunately, I have two people in my life who have been in this situation. My advise to you. Get a paternity test. This will tell you everything. If it his then at least you know for sure and you can then decide whats best for your family and that child. Just remember it's not your husbands fault or yours she didn't tell you. I've seen a good friend go through this and when it turned out to be his, it then became about the money's. I don't know this girl to say she would do such a thing I just know in my friends situation she wanted to let him know, but she didn't want anything from him until it came down to it. The best decision they made was getting a lawyer and make sure all contact is only done through that lawyer. Find out your husbands rights and this will keep from having to deal with her direct. My friend is very happy, expecially not having to deal with thee ex. And after three years of getting to know her step son, they now have full custody as it is a healthier enviroment than the one he was in.

I think the first thing I would do is order a paternity test. If you can afford it, you might offer to pay for it so she can't say "no" because she can't afford it herself. Then, stay in contact with the doctor or lab that does it. Somehow you have to make sure that this woman can't get it done and tell your husband he is the father even though he is not. This is a tough situation, but good for you. It sounds like you have a great marriage! Communication is so important in a marriage! Good luck. Don't forget to let us know how it goes.

Hi, this sounds like my life LOL. Seriously, I had a relationship with a man 11 years ago and he backed out of the relationship when I found out I was pregnant. My son looks just like him, so there is NO question of paternity.

This man is not involved in our life; I have married and moved on. Of course, my son uses my maiden name, and to change it to my married name and my husband to adopt, we have to contact him. I do keep up with his where-abouts, though, so that I can contact him someday for legal reasons, not for money (he'll get his someday, but it won't be from me) but to have him release any parental strings.

It sounds like this woman is a little weird and I would be very cautious. Get a paternity test done before you do anything else. Get some legal advice, and think twice before you send any kind of letter, handwritten or otherwise.

Best wishes for a successful outcome. I know this had to be shocking to you.

Hi A P,

Wow! Right?

OK, so now exhale a couple times, honey!!

I would definetly say you need proof of paternity. Sometimes, we need proof, and in this case it seems appropriate. Just the fact she waited so long, that makes this whole claim seem somewhat fishy to me. Especially if her whole goal before was to get him back, etc.

The other thing I would suggest, and I know it sounds "too easy to say" is to try and keep things as simple as possible. Dealing with this situation, and a woman who is obviously "difficult", if you try to keep things very, very simple, and stick to a plan, it might help.

What I mean is, something like this.

a. get a paternity test (who will pay for that? where and when will it get done? etc)

b. if it's negative, does that end the problem? will she continue to be "crazy" about it? what will you do about that?

c. if it's positive, what's the next step? do you have any idea how involved to be? if possible, try to be as detailed, clear, and specific about the relationship as you can. tell the child's mother what your (you and husband's) intentions are, and try to make a solid agreement. during "crazy", it's always good to have something specific to refer to.

i know, i know, i said simple, but it's not easy. i just think it's going to be tough and complicated enough...so a very clear and simple "to-do" kind of list, a list of "what if's" for what comes next, might be helpful.

if things are unacceptably crazy, i'd consider getting a legal arrangement, but hopefully it won't come to that!

also, i think it's beyond wonderful that you and your husband are talking openly about this!!! that good communication is going to be so valuable to you, in this, and all things!!!

I think that I would contact an attorney and ask about the ramifications of the whole situation. My gut reaction is to send her a letter/e-mail agreeing to taking a paternity test to determine if the child is truly his.

That makes a world of difference to me, if the kid truly is his - you're "in the mix" no matter how messy it may get and perhaps you need to find a way to try to be involved with him, for his good and your own self respect. But start there (rather than get around to it later)if the child is not his, you are out of the situation. (and heaven help the little guy!) If she refuses to allow the test, you have a valid reason for why you will not become involved in the kids life.
I'd just want to know for sure.
Good Luck to you!
K.

Hello AP,
I agree that step one is paternity. There are alot of labs that allow you to do the test in separate states so your husband would not have to go to California if he did not need to. Make sure you get a test that you can legal use in court. if it comes back he is not the father or that he is,submit it to the division of child support here in Washington if that is where the baby was born and also in California since she now lives there. That way it will be on record that he is not the father if she tries to file for support or if he is he has already started taking responsibily that way when he does file for visitation they will see he is stepping up. I see where you are being told to protect your family, if this boy is your husbands he is your family. I am sure his mother is a drama queen but the boy will need you guys for stablity. I think you may have a hard road ahead of you but stay positive and continue to be open and supportive of your husband and him you and i am sure you will do well together. I will you the best.
Peace and Tranquility,
TF

I heard on the radio that either Bartells or Rite Aid is doing paternity tests now and you can buy them in their stores. It said they cost around $40 and then the lab fee is an additional $140. The way it works is your husband, the child and mother all submit a saliva sample and it does the dna. I think you guys should do this. Number one, it's inexpensive and you can do this prior to all the other lawyer 'expensive' stuff. And you might not have to go forward with anything else if he's really not the father. Good luck to you and your family.

So What happened with this...? I was just rereading through some things and ran across this again...Did your husband have the test done....?

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. I would recommend keeping documentation of all of your correspondence with this woman. Keep it cordial (if you can) and ask as many questions as you can. Now you can have a DNA test done with a cheek swab. You can offer to pay for it and that way can be assured that you get the results from the lab instead of from her. She may very well be grasping at straws, but may also be telling the truth. Try to remain calm and united as a family with your husband. I am sure this is just as shocking to him too. Good luck and blessings.

I know everyone has told you to get a paternity test and I completely agree! Don't let her control the situation. You and your husband need to get a good attorney (one who specializes in such cases) immediately and follow his/her lead. Just that alone may cause her to fess up if she is lying. She may not want to deal with any attorneys.

One thing I would recommend (something my attorney told me to do as my husband went through the process of adopting my little girl) KEEP A JOURNAL!! Save all your correspondence with this woman, e-mails, phone calls (write down what you recall afterwards, have you and your husband listen in on phone calls so you both know what is going on), info on the timeline of the original relationship, any and all contact in between you and this woman. It may seem overkill at the time but if this woman is trying to con you, you have proof. Or if in the end the paternity test says the child is your husband's and the mother claims he never supported him financially or emotionally, etc. you have your journal as proof to the judge as to what has transpired. This journal can also serve important to this little boy when he gets older if you choose. He will be able to see for himself what happened and it might help with some of the emotional turmoil that can come from this kind of thing.

Good Luck! I will be praying for you!

A simple paternity test will show if he is the father. And once it's proven you can decide what to do from there. Child support,visitation rights,etc... Also if the woman is a little crazy your husband could get custody.

I would first and foremost request a paternity test before anything else. Then if he is the father, decide how much he will be a part of his life... This woman seems a little off and I would be very cautious to jump right in before seriously getting the results of that test. I am all for the children.. I have three myself...Definitely go slow and figure out a few things. It might take a little counseling from a professional to get through all this. It seems like you have a great family already. If this child is his, then you have to accept him as such.. but not on the mother's terms... you and your husband decide what those terms will be beforehand. Then it might take a court to decide what is best. This woman in your husband's past seems a little off balance. Definitely take precaution so she doesn't end up messing up the functioning of your family as it stands right now. It will take the both of you to get through this.

I am sure others will say the same....Please get a paternity test done before you even do anything. You and your husband can not take ownership of the choices that the mother has made. She will have to work this out with her own child and if the child is indeed your husbands he will have to decide what is right for him to do..financially and emotionally. I think you should make your intentions very clear to the mother as to what you are willing to do and not do in regards to being honest about not even knowing the child had been born. She will have to realize that it is not acceptable for your husband to not be honest with the child when the time comes to share the news. Most children just need to have honest answers about things. From there you can only do what you can emotionally. This sounds really hard to deal with. I hope you take the steps to find out the truth before you become to emotionally involved. Good Luck

The first thing you need to do is order a paternity test. Once you get those results, you can try to reach an agreement regaurding visitation, child support, etc. Be sure to get it all in writing and keep records of all payments. This boy deserves for his dad to be in his life... especially if his mom is psyco. If it is true that he is the boy's father, he needs to accept responsibility. It sucks that you got dragged into it, but your husband will need your support and guidance.

Hi, As I was reading your letter I just kept thinking, you should get a praternity test done first to make sure the child is your husbands. Then if he is, go from there and decide what to do. I hope this situation works out for the best. I am a stepmom and it is a hard situation. Good luck to you. SC

Seriously, this woman sounds very unstable. He needs to have a paternity test done as soon as possible. They are not as expensive as they used to be and it will be well worth it. If she is unwilling to have her son tested (it's just a swab from the inside of the cheek) he needs to go to family court and get a judge to order a test. This will be so well worth it. It will save so much heartache and confusion because you will absolutely know if the child is his.

So.. I'm sorry just want to make sure I am understanding the situation but.. are you guys positive that your husband is the actual father of this child? I mean from the sounds of it the mother of the child went a little crazy you said.. or so you understand. I don't know.. if it were me I would want to make sure that the child was even truley your husbands child before you even introduce the facts to your exsiting family( your children) that could change things in your home forever.. if it's true or not. I don't know you... but I feel for you. I am sorry you and your husband are having to go through something hard like this. Good Luck in whatever happens.

Hi A P,
You absolutely do not sound childish, this is a big pill to swallow. She sounds a little bogus to me but I think you need to have a paternity test first before you can possibly know what to do.
If the paternity test comes back that he is the dad the very most important thing is to do whatever is in the best interest of the child. If the boy is indeed your husband's than he should do whatever he can to establish a relationship and provide for him.
There is no getting around the fact that It will be a little akward all the way around, ( for him, your children and you )but perhaps, with some family counseling before hand, everyone can be prepared and it will have an easier transition.
You sound like a loving woman and I have a feeling that if this boy does turn out to be your husbands that both of you will "man up" and do what's necessary and bring him into your family and love him. It may be a small blessing in disguise especially for him. Every boy needs a dad.
I would really recommend trying to get a paternity test first before anything else and try to have it done quietly..do not alert your children about this until your certain that there is a relation.
I wish you the best of luck and will put you in my prayers.
D~

First thing I'd say is a paternity test. No reason to drag everyone through the ringer for nothing, especially since the mom is such a flake and unsure. I would have no problem with my husband being a dad to another child like that...but the big thing you DON'T want or need is to be his dad for years and to have her turn around and say he's not the dad.

First of all I would have the other woman verify the paternity by mailing you test results, etc. There is no reason to confuse this poor child anymore by saying your husband is the dad if he isn't. Once you determine that you could meet thec child and explain the situation (depending on age) and see what makes sense for you and your family from there. I would not just take this lady's word for it!

Good luck...

All of your concerns are legitimate. I would think the first thing to do is get a paternity test to prove whether the child is or is not your husband's. And also speak to an attorney for legal advice, before taking anything for granted or possibly opening a can of worms. Good luck to you!

First, involve an attorney. And demand a D.N.A.test. The child deserves this as well as everyone else, just for justice to be done and peace of mind for everyone. However it turnes out, I would never reject this child as every child deserves to be wanted and loved or at least accepted. Peace and good justice to all. lillis

It sounds like you as a family are willing to step up to the plate and help out. So request a paternity (sp?) test. If she knows that he is serious about this and wants to be a part of this childs life then by all means do whats best for you and your family.

oh mama, this has to be a difficulty situation for your family . I will keep you in my prayers for some peace.

first let me start by saying get a paternity test, the money you spend on it wont matter if hes not the father but may save you plenty of $ and hurt feelings down the road. for your childrens sake and your husbands I wouldnt have any contact wit this other child until that comes back. you woudlnt want this child to become attached, if mom is truely unstable who knows how many men have already come and gone from his life. if your husband is the father look into setting up a trust account for any child support with someone other than the mother who gives it out, that way you know what it is being used for. who knows maybe this girl has changed and realizes that her child is missing out and genuinly wants this to be a good healthy relationship for her child.

please please please keep us updated.

It would be really smart to speak to a lawyer and to do a background check on her. She does sound unstable and you should not risk contact before you do some information gathering. DO NOT LET HER COME TO YOUR HOUSE OR HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR FAMILY OR YOUR KIDS!!! Do your homework first and be safe! Best of luck to you.

I would say get a paternity test before any contact is made directly with the boy to prevent any more unnecessary stress on him. You can also find out his birthday and do the math first...if it doesn't add up to 42 week (approx.) from the last time they were together then he's not his. If there's any chance that he is the father I would go for the paternity test first and then...like you said...man up. Whether or not she's crazy or just mean or hurting doesn't change that he has a son (if, of course the test comes postitive). Don't be too anxious about it (take a sleeping pill if you have to but get some rest!) just because things change doesn't mean that it will be bad.

First off you must declare a DNA test to prove that your husband is indeed the father since the woman sounds to be untrustworthy. If he is the biological father, then you can decide what to do from there. Prove paternity first. Do not send her an email for the son. That is just plain dumb cause she could use that against him at a later date and ruin the kid from there.
If your husband is the father, then deal with it calmly. Don't go getting upset and stressed out. It isn't worth it. If she refuses visitation then seek an attorney and go by his advice, but this must be done as soon as you find out the paternity.
Good luck.

Hi AP,
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I would get a DNA test done so you can be sure the boy is your husbands. It won't be cheap, but it will be worth it. A friend of mine never got a test done on his daughter because he could'nt afford it at the time. Now he's attached to a little girl he does'nt think is his and he does'nt get to see very much, and the child support swallows up his paycheck. I really don't want that to happen to you. Find out and if it is his at least you can both be free to love the boy and be at peace. The ex-girlfriend will probably be after child support eventually, so you should save up for the test now.
Good luck

How about starting with a paternity test? They're cheap, for what they reveal in these situations, and I actually heard a radio advertisement the other day that they're being sold in stores now! I have a personal experience in my past involving one, and we at that point needed to go into a lab to have the test performed. It's just a cheek swab to gather saliva and cells and read DNA, and is very accurate. Seems that before anyone can go further with this very difficult and emotional process, the truth needs to be confirmed. Blessings to you and your family~

A.P.
I definitely would request a paternity test...then if your husband and you would like to establish a relationship with this child you will know for sure that it is his child.
You may want to call in an attorney to draw up papers if you need to...she sounds alittle unstable and may just be trying to get your husband to take responsibility thinking that he will not request a paternity test.
I saw that there is one just like a prgnancy test only it is for paternity out on the market now just for a situation as this.
I would definitely get the test and go and perform it yourself on the child and your husband to make sure. Do not take any responsibility for this child until you have proven that it is your husband's.
As far as for it being his...things do happen and everyone has a previous life before they meet the one that they are to be with. Sometimes things happen like this and you can look at it from the child's view. If it is your husband's that does not mean that anything is differentbetween the two of you. If you open your heart to this child that could be half your husband...you will gain more in return from letting him know that he has a father and a second family that is interested in his well being. as for him beingangry...how could he when he finds out no one knew about him.
First off it really seems weird to me that she would do this in an email instead of through the courts or contacting him in person or by phone.
Sit back and take a deep breath...your life is the same. You and your husband have built a very nice family together...you love one another very much and have two lovely children together. Take this just one step at a time...first prove patrnity and then ask to spend some time with the child. If he pays child support you could have visitation with him. You sound like a very loving, caring woman with a lot to give. This child may need what you and your husband have to offer him. Anytime you give love to a child you get it back ten times over. If this is your husband's child he would want to know about him and make sure that he is well taken are of. I cannot remember if you said how old he is...HE may be the one looking for his father.1st the paternity test...how far away does she live from you? If not too far I would show up with paternity test in hand...if the mother does not agree ask the court to order one...you can do that through child enforcement.
But now with this new paternity test that you can get in the drugstore it should be very easy to prove if he is your husband's or not.......Please keep me updated asIam very anxious to help you to weather this...You will do great..go to sleep and rest...this could workout very well and you will open your heart to a child trying to belong somewhere.
It sounds as if to me your husband made a very good choice in waiting for you.....one thing if he did not agree with her lifestyle then and walked out he may want to prove this is his son and be there to take care of him...he may be in a bad situation and looking for dad.
Hang in thereandrelax...go buy a paternity test tomorrow....if you can get with him...or go get a court ordered one...that is the 1st step....
I think that the burden of proving he is your husband's lies with her...make her get a court order for paternity.
There is one thing that bothers me...if she was after him and stalking him telling him that he was going to realize she was the one....why did she not use the child at that time to trap him into being with her. Seems like if she had pregnancy on her side and was obsessed with being with him that little boy would have been the first thing she would have told him about, Do you know what Imean?
There is also that you coulddeal with her instead of him...you could call her up and tell her that you are willing tohelp raise a child of his but there has to be a paternity test just for proof before you get attached to this child and then she tells you he is not your husband's.
I think you are handling this great....keep your family in prospective to this new situation.. Ask for the paternity test...if she balks that would definitely make me suspicious, There is no way if she was sure that she would not have contacted him earlier....she is not sure...she is guessing that he is your husband's. Call her bluff then deal with the results. L.

Obviously the first step would be to get a paternity test. The is no sense in starting to form a relationship before then because how would you step back if you found out your husband wasn't actually the father? It wouldn't be fair for anyone. If the paternity test comes back that he is the father he has will have a legal responsibility to pay child support and I would think a moral obligation to form a relationship with the child. The child didn't ask to be born and both parties need to do their part. It will cause strain but in the end I think you and your family will feel better about having done the right thing. You wouldn't want your children to grow up without their father and if this is their sibling I imagine you will feel the same way. Good luck during this next chapter of your life.

AP, wow- what a wake up call! Well, it is very obvious that you and your hubby are upstanding people and want the right thing not only for your little family but for this other little boy. I guess we all make mistakes and I would say that the next thing isn't to decide what to do with the little boy or how to deal with his mom, but to persue a DNA test. This could do 2 things- 1) eliminate the problem or:2) define what obligations are there. If your husband is the father, then he should take responsibility. But if he is not, then this woman should have her answer where to go for financial help. I will be praying for your family. Keep your head up.

Hi. My name is J. and I really feel for you and your situation. I think I would first get a paternity test. If the child is indeed your husband's the moral and ethical thing would be to start being a regular part of that child's life. I know how awkward it can be and how all people involved are very uncomfortable at first, but over time I think you all will start to get into a rhythm. It won't be uncomfortable forever. I really do wish you luck and I applaud both you and your husband for sticking together through somethng like this.

The first thing your husband should do is a DNA test, you can go through the court to have it done. That way the courts will handle visitations if you want to, set them up and she will not run the show.

There are now tests (DNA) that you can do from hom or on your own..Is there any way that the 2 of you can get this done to see? It would be worth the peace of mind and also the avoiding court, etc. Just a thought. I too, have been through all of that with my ex. So I know what you mean about the feeliing in the pit of your stomache!!

Take Care and Good Luck!

theldsmom

I would first start with asking for a paternity test. Since this woman has issues to say the least, I would not necessarily take her claim that he is the father at face value. I would also get some legal advice about your options. This is a hard position,but if you do get involved only to find out later your husband is not the father it could be devasting to him, you and your family.

Good luck

I would recommend you & your husband contact a lawyer. I have a friend who found out he had a son when the boy was 3 yo. He was on the hook for all of the child support for the first 3 years of this child's life and he didn't evne know the child existed. It cost him 10's of thousands of dollars. It sounds as if the woman may have been a bit unstable in the past which is why I recommend a lawyer who can contact her and arrange a paternity test. Then if your husband is not the father he has not engaged this woman in any way. If he does end up being the father you will have legal advise to see you through establishing your husbands right to see his child.

Good luchk, I hope it all works out well for you.

I would get a paternity test done to make sure that little boy is yours. And I know how hard it is to know that someone you love all the sudden has another child. It's happened to me. Just be there for your husband, and for the time being be civil to this other woman. You never know it could be a trick to get money or what not. But it could also be the truth. Do a paternity test and make sure it's his son before you consider any other option.

I've never been in this kind of situation, but I think you should consult a family attorney. My heart goes out to your family and the little boy.

Hello...I would ask for a paternity test to prove this child is your husbands child. Because you mentioned that this CRAZY WOMAN has no idea who the other fathers are of her other children.

I would suggest getting a paternity test done first. Then take it from there.

Hello:

I think your initial thoughts are correct if this child is your Husband's Son.

I have never tried DNA Testing before, but I went on-line and found this over-the-counter test kit which you turn in for testing, here is the site.

http://www.dnatesting.com/paternity/stores.php

I sure hope this isn't bogus, but thought you would like to look into it.

Don't worry about anything but doing the right thing for the child, but I hope you protect yourself from a hoax - both for your family and the little boy.

Good Luck and I wish you all the best.

K.

One solution is to hire a lawyer and have the lawyer contact her to do a paternity test. If she is faking this, it will go no further.

If she is not faking this , then the paternity test will prove who is the father ( blood test for the child and your husband sent to a lab you choose to keep that from being an issue). Once you know if your husband is the father or not you make make decision from that point whether to write a letter, etc..

From what you have said about the situation, this woman is grasping at straws due to financial or emotions issues. I hope this helps

Like everybody else says get a paternity test.

If your husband is the father get a lawyer and figure out the child support payments and pay her. Don't believe what she says about not wanting the money. I work with a woman who pulled this same scam on her sons father-she waited until the kid was 14 before sicking the state of Texas on him for back child support; by then he owed her $20,000+ in child support.

Most definetly get a lawyer or at least go through a third party to talk with her.

I have been in a similar situation. However, my husband was not a man of integrity - he contested paternity and fought paying support. The test to establish paternity is very simple. Check your state laws to see if your Office of Support Enforcement has established a way to pay for the test (provided your husband is not the father).

You sound like a very caring woman, willing to provide a loving environment for a child in need, regardless of his circumstances. This woman from you husband's past sounds like she is not that kind of girl. If you decide to take on the responsibility of helping to raise this child, understand that a tiger does not change its stripes. By that I mean that she will likely not ever be the kind of person who can co-parent. It seems as though she may be veyr willing to put her needs above her children's.

My advice is to have paternity tested before you make a decision either way. If your husband is bio-dad, proceed carefully and definitely consult an attorney to determine your rights and protect them. Read "Mom's House, Dad's House" and "Joint Custody With a Jerk".

Please keep us updated or feel free to contact me directly. Best of luck to you and your family.

It's a rough situation. At least you are looking at possibilities.
If you or her want to pursue it get a paternity test. Why go through needless heartache and it would be better to know especially if you question her motives. yOu can get paternity tests at places like Walgreens...I don't know what their reliability is.
3 kids in 4 years plus considering adding another in some way would be lots of work. But you get the energy and love you need when you need it.

Get a paternaty test! I think you know as well as anyone that every child deserves the chance to be loved and cared for. If this is your husbands child then he deserves to be welcomed into your family, even if only for holidays and such. As a child who grew up in an alcoholic home I think it is important for children to see that broken homes and crazy parents isn't the only way to live. Good luck and God bless, it won't be easy.

I would get a paternity test first, then worry if it is positive. It sounds like this lady is crazy or on something. If paternity test is positive, then I would take the initiative to take care of "father's responsibilities" before this crazy lady does first. It will look good in court if it goes that far that your husband initiated care of the child.

A P

My son had that happen to him. So we were asking him about the time. How old is the child + 9 months. Now was you together at that time. My son did a blood test by the state and it says he is the father.
Good luck.

First, let me say I'm a bit older than you moms. I am a grandmother raising a now 11-year-old granddaughter. I've had her permanently since age 2, when she was molested. The very first thing I would do in your situation is insist on a paternity test. Regardless of what the boy's mom says, if your husband is indeed the boy's biological father the courts can make him pay child support. Your husband is legally liable for his biological children. I feel so sorry for that little boy. There are no illegitimate children; only illegitimate parents. And I'm sorry for this to have been dropped now on your family. Nobody can really tell you what part you will should/will play in this child's life, if your husband is indeed the father. You sound like a very caring famly, and I feel sure you will do the right thing. God bless.

First of all get a lawyer, and then GET A PATERNITY TEST! The baby might not even be his! How old is the child? I mean, you can't just pop up 10 years later and say "oh by the way you have a son"! And then want a letter to the child explaining why his dad "didn't want him"? Well it's kind of hard to wabt a child that you didn't even know exsisted! And as for the " I don't want any money" comments, again it varies by state you and your husband might not have a choice, as child support might come after him for back support. If the child is his then your husband will have a legal right to see him, and then he can establish a relationship with the child. Then when the child is older he can explain things to him so he won't be angry. As for the mom, I would also try to see if she has done this to other men? I don't know if a lawyer could help you on that. Or even check to see if she has had run ins with social servies, if she is as crazy as it sounds.

Hello AP!!! \''/

The first thing you need to do is get a lawyer, using some type of mediator would be great, especially when it comes to the mother. Second, get the court to order her and the child (subpeona) and get that paternity test. It's up to you and your husband to get that lawyer. Ask around.

I strongly suggest a mediator with this woman. She sounds like she may be an issue.

I hope the best for you, your husband and family! Let us know how it goes. My heart goes out to you in your situation!!!
Take Care!!! \''/

Slow down love :}
The child exists and paternity needs to be confirmed before anything else happens.
Take care of your self and the family you have. Try to keep your self calmer so that the flow of your household remains peaceful. It sounds like you've got a good man there. He has to think about how to handle the situaltion and the "mother" and then you can work on it together.
Nothing will happen quickly. The boy and his mom are in another state. You will need to some legal advice about how to go about getting true information before doing anything. Take care of yourself and best of all things to you and yours.

Your first response should be a paternity test.. Thats all its going to take.. It isnt his or your fault for not knowing this. My opinion its pretty childish and selfish of her not to tell your husband she even thought he was the dad when she was PG!

If it isnt his.. Change your number.
BTW She yells just hang up and tell her to calm down before she calls back because you do not allow anyone to disrespect you that way. Dont even allow her to get a word in so she can irratate you more. This is a child not time to play games
Good Luck

Dear Concerned,
I feel for your situation. My first suggestion is to get a paternity test. Don't make any decissions until you've established that this women is being honest. It sounds like there is every chance that the situation is not as she says and that perhaps she is after something she has no rights to claim. If she was a bit crazy for your husband back then (calling him and such after the break up) then why wouldn't she have called him and tried to get him back using the "baby"? I wouldn't put it past a women with many children from different fathers to pull different ploys to gain financial favors. You need to make sure the child is his prior to getting emotionally invloved with the child.
If she is being honest she won't have a problem with the paternity tests.... right?
Also, make sure you are in charge of which doctors you go to and that she has no access to the test or doctors.

May God bless your decissions and grant you wisdom through this situation.

Blessing,
Savvy

Hello,

This sounds like a very stressful situation and I wish you well! I don't know how to view what others have written before responding so don't know if someone has already suggested this. You have every right to request a blood and/or DNA to determine if your husband is actually the father. It seems it might be a good idea considering the ramifications. Good luck and take good care of yourself! M.

First off take a paternity test to find out if this baby is your husbands...chances are it isn't! Then once you find out you can deal with it from there.

Good luck!

I think that you and your husband are well with in your right to ask for a paternity test. Once that it done you can proceed from there. That is the most fair thing for everyone...Good luck
A.

My initial reaction is to not invite trouble where trouble isn't wanted....but then....

I say consult a legal professional about steps needed to find out for sure if this alleged child is actually your husband's son. Then stepping up to the plate and being there should this child be his. It is your husband's right. Sure there would be adjustments, but if your husband makes an effort, the child will not resent him for it. However if no effort is made...

Wow! You must be stressed out! 1st of all cling to your husband. Don't let this be something that puts strife between you. He is most likely even more stressed than you are. These types of situations can glue you together or tear you apart. 2nd get a paternity test!!! They cost about $4-500. My brother went through this with a very adament girl that he was the only one but low and behold he wasn't the papa. Good luck!

can you get a paternity test prior to anything? I would make sure this child is in fact your husbands prior to any investments emotional or financial to this child.

then at least you know its the truth, and you can go from there.

#1: get a paternity test! You can get one in the stores now (so I've heard) and I think the total cost is less than $200.

Tell this woman your family would like to do the right thing, but given her history you need to be sure the child is indeed your husband's. If she refuses, I would take that as a good clue that she's lying. If she was sure, why wouldn't she want to prove it to you? As hard as it may be, if there's no proof, walk away.

If the child is his, follow your heart and do what you think is right for yourselves as a couple and for your family. If that includes this new child, that's more love to share. Just be aware that now his mother is part of your life, too...forever.

I hope this has helped. Good luck.

Slow down....chances are she is fishing trying to determine parethood and has probably contacted every other guy she has slept with giving the same story.

Children often aren't even that interested in who's their "father" until they are atleast teens.They just care about their daily lives.

This is probably a "this to shall pass situation"

So breathe ..

If someday it turns out to be true.... take the high road handle everyone with grace and love and life will turn out fine as it should.

You have a great family enjoy them!

Hi there ~ what a difficult situation! But bottom line, as you say that child deserves to have his father in his life if that's possible. Seems to me the first step is a paternity test. If for any reason the mom won't submit, no deal on moving forward with any other decisions, the main concern being all the confusion and heartache it would cause to the child if he gets attached to your husband and then you find out later that they are not in fact related. If this really is his son, your husband can give no greater gift than his steady love, involvement, and financial support. And by supporting your husband in being a father to this little boy you are helping to break the unfortunate cycle you grew up with. Blessings to you all!

If she contradicts herself a lot, that means she LIES a lot. People who tell the truth don't contradict themselves.

I would not make any plans or take any responsibility until she PROVES paternity is your husband's. It's not hard to do to get a blood test and check paternity. Put the onus of proof on HER. Tell her that if it's true that he's the father, of course, you want to have a part in the child's life and you want to help her, however, until she shows you proof, you will not believe her. Try not to be upset about this. Having children is why the onus was mostly on the woman to not have "relations" before marriage. Men never had to worry about that so it was left up to the woman to "just say no" or to make sure they had birth control. So this is irresponsible behaviour on her part even more than your husband.

Also, if the little boy grows up mad at someone, it can't be your responsibility, since obviously this woman never took responsibility for herself.

In light of that fact, the other possibility is that in the event your husband is NOT the paternal father, he could "adopt" this child as his own since the child has no father to speak of, and the woman is concerned for him. Boys who grow up without fathers fare badly socially and economically. This would be the merciful thing to do, since it may be that she is so financially strapped that she is looking for anyone and everyone to support her, especially in light of all of the bad decisions she's made for herself. She may be lying about not wanting financial support. Three children is tough to support on your own.

Well first and formost would be to get a peternity test, to even make sure you have to upend anyones lives, then go from there. Does he want to be apart of the boys life or not. You guys need to decide what part you want to play in his life. If you want to be apart of it, than great, if not than I would just leave it alone. Good luck I hope you find the right path for you and the children

First, I would like to suggest that you let your husband handle the interactions with her. You don't want to aggravate her and the situation by trying to step in. Second, if she really wants him to be a part of this child's life then she needs to prove he is the father. And the only way to do that is obviously through a paternity test. I would say that if she is willing to submit the child to the testing, then your husband should do the same. If he ends up being the father, then take it from there. If he's not, that's the end of it...

I would request a paternity test. If she has any doubts, she will back off. Even if she were to provide a birth certificate with your husband listed as the father, it could be false information that she provided the hospitol. This way, if the test should prove that your husband is the father, you will all sleep better at night. Sometimes NOT KNOWING the answer can cause the most stress. Your Husband has the right to know for sure if this is his child. As a couple, you both have the right to request this test. For the Mother's part in this, it would wouldn't be fair to the child if she were to discuss with him who the Father was, only to take test and discover that she was wrong. Either way, if there are any court proceedings, the your attorney or the Judge would suggest the a test, anyway. She should pay for the test, should it be confirm paternity, tell her you will split the difference. Should she not have the money to pay herself, you could pay for it for you own piece of mind. This woman may claim to have no interest in money now, but that usually isn't the case in the end...

If this child is his and she is unstable, I can see your reasons for wanting her in your life in any fashion. At the same time, doesn't the little boy deserve the chance to have a stable parent's influence, as well. If she is in California, (assuming your in Oregon) maybe a pen-pal/phone call type of relationship would be all that transpires between the two households, anyway. At least the boy won't feel abandonded. I know that this was not the case, but clearly his Mother's poor choice in keeping such a secret has made the child feel this way.

A good marriage can weather any storm and it sounds like you have that with your husband. You will make through this.
Good Luck to you and your family.

I am sorry for your situation. I would contact a lawyer and see from a legal standpoint what she could do if your husband was the father. I am sure a paternity test would have to be done 1st. If he was the father then you don't have to do anything. If he is the father then would he have to pay child support or is she in a situation where she is not able to care for the child and you could go to court and get custody.
I think most importantly you have to decide as a couple and stand by each other because it is not an easy road.
Good Luck

Did she list him on the birth cert? He can take a paternity test.

It's not fair? That is childish.

We have the right to choose. Not the man.

You are only hearing one side of the story and throwing it all on her. Your husband knew about the pregnancy? But had doubts? He could have found out for sure and started being there at the beginning.

Instead of throwing blame celebrate the fact that she is trying to do the right thing.

I understand you are upset and nervous. I would be, too.

I would insiste on a paternity test BEFORE going any further with this woman. If its positive then first and foremost is the child at hand. Everyone involved will need to put their own feelings aside and decide what is best for the child.
I couldn't imagine a woman from my husbands past coming to us with this. I don't know how I would handle it either, but you just have to remember that the child is the most important issue. But I would definetly get a paternity test.

Take a deep breath and realize you have a great marriage! Your husband didn't hesitate to let you know what's going on. Before you, your husband and your kids become further emotionally involved, your husband needs to take a paternity test to establish if he is the father. If he isn't the father, that's the end of the issue. If he is the father, then the two of you must have a heart to heart. Your family will have not only a financial commitment but an emotional one to this little boy.

First thing I would do is get a paternity test. The truth is, if the baby is our husband's and it was from before you two got involved, I don't see why anyone should have any shame about it (except for the mom who didn't tell your husband that he had a CHILD).

People have relationships and sometimes those relationships produce children, even when they are not intended.

Once you know if this woman is for real, you can deal with it from there.

Hi A.P., I'm not sure that I can give you a good advice but I can share my story and point of view. We are in a similar situation. Last summer I had a call from a woman, who happen to be the wife of my husband's son. His first wife got pregnant from my husband but she sad that is not his son and even send back then legal papers for my husband to sign that is not his son. Well, we end up gaining a son and a grand son. Welcome to the club! My husband met the boy and so far he just wanted to meet his father. We decided to have a paternity test before we establish any relation with this people and yes, J. happens to be his son. We have a son too, who is only 4 years old. My first thoughts were that there were a boy who grow up without a father. The ex told him that his father is one of her boy-friends, who left him when he was 6 months old. Now there is a little boy who doesn't know what is to have a grand-pa. Is that make me a grand-ma? At the moment we are taking a little steps towards this family. I decided that is best to give then a chance to know each other before we brake the news to any of the little guys. Well, you have a boy who wants to know who is his father. All the boys need that, they need a relations with theirs father or at least some explanations. May be you should meet the mother and see what she is after. Of course, make sure that your husband is the father of her son. There are paternity test in the pharmacy and they are about 120 $. They can't be used for legal actions but they will give you the information you need to know. Just make sure that you don't brake the news to any of the kids in this situation before any of you know what to do. Act as adults and try not to brake any of the kid's hearts. In my situation I went to our Parent Educator and she gave me few good advices how to bring the news when I need to. So, my advice is to start sleeping and eating and not worry too much as you are not even sure yet that your husband is that boy father. And yes, if you feel like talking more about it, you can always e-mail me.

What about starting with a paternity test? And then if it is his son then I would think the best thing to do would be to contact the state/ courts so you and your family can't be taken for a ride. If your husband didn't know then he is not at fault and this will be the beginning of his life with his unknown son. Good luck.

Does this lady have a blood test to prove maternally that the child belongs to your husband? How about pictures?? Does he even look like your husband??? How old is this child?? Does the math work out?? Has this friend of a friend person ever mentioned that she was pregnant after they broke up??

This is a very touchy situation. How does your husband feel about this. Has he responded to the email she sent him??

Good luck!!!!!:)

The best thing to do for your family is get a lawyer and a paternity test. Don't worry beyond that until you have results.

Well...we all have a past, and have all made mistakes...some worse than others. The first thing I would do is get a paternity test, otherwise how do you know for sure this is your husbands child. Maybe the mother is crazy, or feeling a financial strain but, if he is your husbands son, he is also the 1/2 brother of your 3 children, and your husbands responsibility. Don't freak out before you know the facts about his paternity. You know your husband loves and trusts you to stand with him...this is something that needs to be figured out. Don't worry about the child being 'mad' at someone...that's going to happen regardless of what you do. Remember, it's always better to know the facts then to worry about them. My heart goes out to all of you in this difficult situation...Good Luck

Fist things first. Get a paternity test, and don't trust the OTC ones.
There is no harm in becoming friendly with the boy and meeting him while waiting for the results. Just don't make any promises.
If the child is your husbands, I think you should all welcome him into your life and do the best you can. It won't be easy, but it will be the best decision.

The first thing to do is a paternity test. Then if the boy is his, he would pay child support and see him as often as possible, so the child will learn what a real family is supposed to look like.

First of all, your husband needs to request a paternity test to verify that there is any claim at all. This will give you a foundation for what decisions need to made. Should the child turn out to be your husband's, then the issue is about the child and not the mother. Perhaps, if the mother is unstable then the best thing would be for the truth to come out and decisions for the best of the child can be made. It sounds like you and your husband have a stable relationship. Base your feelings on the facts; not emotions. Easier said than done, but think about the good things that you have with your husband and about this child who has had to live his life so far without him not even knowing himself who his father is. Establish the facts and then go from there. All the worry may be for nothing and there is nothing to be lost from the truth. It will settle a lot.

Dear A P: Well having gone through a similar situation with my daughter and her husband, there are a few things you NEED to do. First, of course you need a paternity test, she should have to pay for it, but she probably won't! Then, in the event that it does turn out to be his, go directly to the courthouse, do not wait!!! Fill for joint custody, and visitation immediately! Ok, let me tell you why the urgency, the one who fills always has the upper hand. You will have to decide if this is a child you want to raise, or just have in your lives. The whole multiple father image doesn't sit well with most judges, so it is there for you to use if you feel he is in an unsafe situation. You sound very reasonable, so I don't think anything your feeling is unreasonable, work through it honestly and openly, you'll be fine!! Good luck with this, I will be thinking of you:) R.

I'd start with a lawyer and then the paternity test. Depending on where the child was born and what state both parents are in now there will be different laws in place to protect the child. If your husband is the child's father proceed with the legal advice because even if the mother does not want it in some states the father is still responsible for child support. In that case you'll need a good lawyer to help you figure out the best way to manage the situation because it can rebound on you later.

Oh you poor thing!
The first thing you need to do is get a paternity test. Make sure the child is your husband's. THere is no reason to worry about anything else until that is clear. You should also get an attorney. While she may say she doesn't want anything from you, you don't want to get caught off guard. Have the attorney facilitate the paternity test, and then be proactive depending on the result. If it's negative, walk away and never look back. If it's positive and the child is his, then make her an offer of invovlement facilitated by your attorney. If you are proactive, she won't expect it and will be less likely to come at you with random requests. Also - don't worry about the child at this point. You can cross a lot of bridges when you get to them. If you end up with visitation, you can do some counseling if necessary. Otherwise, see your role as that of a positive influence that provides a safe and stable place for the child to count on if he needs you. Clearly his mother is not.
I hope this helps! Get some rest!

Get a paternity test done. That will answer the question of is he your husband's son, so you all can move foward and decided how to handle the situation. You can't worry about it or what if the situation until you know for sure.

before there are any hopes made or dashed your about 50 dollars you can get a paternity test done, which will be legal in court pertaining to any question of who is the father or responsibility. I would have this test done right off before any more contact is made, go through the same Doctor or lab and when the results are known go back to said Doctor or lab and have the results read to both parties, if 99.9% positive I would have an attorney right off so you know your rights, be on the aggressive, do not let your emotions play a part in this matter as it will effect your marriage one way or another.
Take good care, make smart choices,
H.

First off, save all emails from her. Print them, save them. Then, get a paternity test done. If this is his child, then he should be a part of his life if that is what the mother wants. If not, then you know right away before any relationship is established. Hope this helps.
J.

Get a paternity test, and if the results indicate your husband as father...man up first, and also seek legal counsel. I think your anxiety is fair here, but do remember that you have an honest husband who is/needs an ally.
Do everything together, share all your concerns and ideas, and good luck!

My heart really goes out to your family and this little boy. The first thing you need to do is speak to an attorney, keep and document any and all contact from this woman. The next step would be to have DNA testing done. None of this is inexpensive however in matters such as this one it will be money well spent to be proactive. At some point either the mother or the state will get involved regarding support.
Either way if indeed this is your husband’s son does he really want to turn his back on this child? This is your children’s brother and shouldn’t they have the opportunity to know each other? You and your husband may be the best thing that could possibly happen to this boy if his mother is half the flake she seems to be.
I’ll be praying for you & your family!

two words i am sure you will hear alot today
"paternity test"
She does not sound like the type of person you want to use the new drug store dna test with. go to a good lab and if you can go to her area take the boy to a lab and have him checked out. then figure out how to deal with this situation.I would proceed with extreme caution. I have heard of some pretty crappy women who like to use men and their kids for money. She sounds like one of those. She may say she does not want your money now, but dont trust her. Consult with a lawyer. Confirm the baby exists and proceed with caution. Be careful because this has the potential to drastically change your life in more than one way. I have been living with the consequences of a woman like that on the other end of things with my husbands girls. It can really screw things up. Paternity test and lawyer- do it right away. you may think this is an over reaction, but trust me. its not.and save that email.

I think if I was in your situation I would want to make sure this child is really his. IF this lady is as crazy and unreliable as your hubby says, there is a good chance that he is not the father. First of all, how old is this boy? I think it is important for him to know who his father is and your husband has every right to tell his side of things. But before you do anything it may be wise to get some legal advice on this.
I know this is a very tough stuation and I wish your family the best!!!

You have every right to be upset. If you and your husband choose to take the steps to have this child a part of your life, the first step you need to take is a peternity test to confirm that the child is your husbands. That way you know from the start if the child is really his or not. It will save you some heart ache later. It may be hard to ask her for one, but I would not take any further steps until a test is done. I wish you good luck, and hope this helps.

Before you get yourself worked up there needs to be a paternity test. If it is confirmed that your husband is the father, then you do the right thing. No matter how crazy the mother is, the child deserves a mother and a father so don't deny him that. And even though your family is pretty perfect right now, every family has some flaws and unique situations. The good thing is that you have a strong foundation so you will figure out a way to manage this.
If down the road it is affecting your relationahsip then consider consulting with a family therapist or expert that can help guide you through it. Good luck!

i can tell you from personal experiance this is hell. My son was 1year old when his father walked out on us decided he didn't want to be a young father. Wwhen my son was 5 his dad came back into his life, for my son it was the first time he had met him. He seen my son for a total of 2 times. I have since gotten married to a wonderful man who is in every sence the father of my children.I see the heartbtreak in my son everyday. His real dad came back and promised him the world and then hasn't called or wrote in over a year. I think all kids deserve to know, but watching my babys broken heart and his confusion eats at me every day. So my advice to you is, Your husband sounds like a good man, and he should have the involvment with his son, but it does need to be consistant, even if there are problems with the ex, atleast the boy will know his dad loves him and tries to see him. It will all work out, Pray, he isn't going to be mad, it's every childs dream to have a good daddy, and it sound like your husband is one!

Tell her she needs to pay for a paternity test and prove that your husband is the boys father. He shouldn't own up to anything until he has proof. Have someone be an advocate have all communication be through a third party. Block e-mail from her. Get a third party involved as soon as possible have this person help deal with the paternity test.
The least involvement/communication you have with her the better until there is proof and then you still will probably need a third party involved.

First off get some blood work done up on both your husband and his supposed son. Then go from there she may suddenly think she can step back in but that isn't an option...the boy may be but she is his mother not part of the fathering deal. It will work out. My grandson whom I raised has real issues because his mother split the scene and I raised my sons boy do to him being in colege and then working away. His now wife didn't want to deal with him because she had been abused by a step brother and was afraid this might happen with her daughter from a previous marriage. Now my grandson feels he chose his wife over him. There will be issues but it can be worked out and just show that boy major love he'll need it.

I was touched by the fact that you expressed so much concern for this child who may or may not be your husband's. You are obviously a very caring and loving person. However, the worry is taking its toll on you and your health. My husband grew up not knowing his dad. He met him for the first time at the age of 14, and he told me something "clicked" for him. His dad wasn't sure my husband was really his son, but over time they have created a wonderful relationship... they call each other almost every day & have great times together. I had suggested a DNA test, and that was never done... somehow my husband's father just realized one day that this was his son. However, there were so many missed opportunities and hurt feelings along the way. So my suggestion is a DNA test. Only then will you know for sure. And if this child has the good luck to have you in his life at all, it will make up for alot. Try not to imagine the worst scenario, and make sure to take the time to take care of yourself. Best Regards, A.

Hi...this struck a chord with me, as we got a letter from an 18 yr old girl a number of years ago, telling us she believed my husband was her father. We wished we'd had a chance to know her and be involved in her life as she was growing up.

I can recommend a Christian fiction book that deals with this exact same subject if you like to read. It's called The Other Daughter, and it's available on Amazon. I have to admit I'm the author...but it's getting really good reviews and it deals with step family issues, and what happens when this type of situation happens.

I too, suggest you get a paternity test done to be sure...then if this little one is your husbands child, DO get involved in his life. The boy will be a LOT more hurt if you don't, then if he finds out now that he has a dad and you DO get involved. Trust me, a child would much rather have a Dad in their life at any point, rather than not at all.

Hope this helps, M. Ferrell
http://www.miraleeferrell.com

Before anything, get a dna test. After you find out if the child is actually his or not then you can go from there. Ask questions and get them answered-if she is out for money whether you ask questions or not she will try to get it. What makes her all of a sudden feel like this child is his, and why hasn't she tried to contact him sooner? Just because she may have his son doesn't mean that she can run your life because she can't, just keep in mind that you are his family.

Request a paternity test to make sure that the child is really his and if he is then establish a relationship with the child and create a parenting plan and start paying child support. I know she said she doesnt want money but it will always come down to that in the end so get it established now. I know she was deceitful not telling him that she was pregnant or had a child with him but because the deed was done and a child was created he is equily as responsible for that child. I know of someone in this very situation even down to the mother and child living in California! they found out very late in life the child was already 16 years old My friend and his wife welcomed his daughter that he didnt even know existed right into thier lives and heart. The child still lives in California but they do have visitation with her she comes up for a bit in the summer to spend time with her dad. My friend and his wife have a child together as well and they saw the importance of letting the siblings also develop a relationship. I know its hard but it really can work.

Okay, shades of Maury....first of all, ask the Mom and your husband to submit themselves and the boy for DNA testing. This is an important 1st step. If and when the results come back and show that your husband is the father of this child, then he (and you) need to discuss what the legal ramifications are with an attorney. The Mom may not want financial assistance in this conversation, but you never know down the road. She could get back child support and/or request it going forward. Healthcare is a big issue, and if your husband is the child's father, he should add him to his policy as a dependent. As to the level of involvement you and your family have this little boy, again that's a discussion for you and your husband and the boy's mom. How much of disruption is this going to bring to his (the little boy's) life? Talk with your pediatrician as to how to approach the subject with your own kids. And then use this experience as a future teaching tool to use in 'those talks' with your kids about sex. Pregnancy happens when people engage in sex. No form of birth control is 100% effective. If all you had to do was buy it, there would be fewer children on the face of the earth, you have to use it before the occasion. Birth control is the responsibility of both partners, both people should take measures to insure to the best of their ability that a pregnancy doesn't occur. Don't rely on the other person to take responsibility for your life. And finally, birth control does not equate to safe sex. Pregnancy is the least of anyone's worries. STD's have life long consequences, one of which cuts your life extremely short and is horribly painful for you and your family. I'd still get tested, many viruses lay dormant, and you probably didn't think of being tested when you began dating your husband or when you married him. (HPV for cervical cancer, AIDS are just 2) This is a multi-faceted issue, and you need to take it a step at a time. With regards to the boy's mom, many women find themselves in a quandry about the paternity of their children, not a situation that I would encourage, but they do. There are many children out there who live in a home with two parents and their parents are so busy with work and their lives that they tend not to have time to spend with their children. This child could very easily have an awesome life right now. He has a mom who is engaged in his life, he might have a step-dad or other male figure that does things with him, that he can count on. He could have an extended family that supports him, his mom and his brothers. You don't know. Take the time to find out. You're hearing your husband's account of what occurred between the 2 of them, obviously there's the other side, and I'll be willing to bet somewhere out there is a factual account that falls inbetween the two versions. Regardless of all legal ramifications, if this little boy is your husband's son, your children have another person to get to know, to love and go through life with. Their lives and your's will be richer because of him.

Hi...what a stressful situation. I would calmly tell her you guys are excited to find out whether or not he is your husband's child and look forward to being a part of his life if he is. Then get a paternity test pronto. Take control of the situation and be pro-active, for everyone's sake.

Good luck! Take care...J.

Hi A P
The first thing I would do is to get a Lawyour. Than I would get DNA testing to astablish if in fact the child is your husbands for shure. Than I would investagate the living conditions of the child. If the living conditions were bad I would go after full custidy. If things are good and the DNA proovs out to be his, than a face to face with the other mom and Lawyours to set up the ground rools and limits. What you do not want is to go into any agrement that is not spelled out in Legle manner and inforcable. Once you except this child into your life the mom can make it VERRY EXPENSAVE after the fact. If it is a frod than prosaqute to the full extent of the law.

First of all, take care of yourself and your feelings. You are his wife and a mother of three little ones that need you.
She can claim all she wants but paturnity must be established before any court would do anything. Your husband can offer to establish that or just wait it out.
If this woman is emotionally unstable, don't get stressed about it. She might be like you said looking for financial support. The worst thing that can happen is you will have to pay for this child and the benefit is that the court will allow your husband to be in his life. If you pay, you get to have visiting rights at least in my state you do.
I realize that this is all a shock, but realize that you are not responsible for this situation and let whatever is the truth float to the surface.
Take care!
D.

Dear AP,
Wow, that is really quite a lot to absorb, bless your heart! My advice is, before you do another thing, insist that the boy and your husband have DNA tests to see if he really is the father. That could put to rest if this whole thing is just that woman trying to take financial advantage of you. It would be the first thing a court would demand anyway.

If he should be the father, then you have to decide what to do, putting what is right for the boy as the first concern. I think it is great that you are both willing to step up and do the right thing for the boy if he is indeed your husband's son. It's natural to have anger that the woman kept this a secret so long and to have suspicions about her motives in bringing it up now, but the boy is an innocent party in this. I think any boy would rather have a relationship starting late with a good father rather than let him think his father never cared. I think the example your children will have of your husband taking responsibility and doing the right thing will offset any confusion and fears it might cause at the first. Surely it would have to help them realize that he would never abandon them either. You are an innocent party too, as are your children, but being one with your husband, you naturally become part of suffering the consequences of his earlier actions. Part of the pain will be dealing with this woman. I pray that you will have courage and ability to forgive and love enough to bear up under this so it doesn't mess up your family relationships. God can help you.

LJL

Insist on a dna before you say another word.

well i think the very first step is to confirm the paternity before you even meet with the child in person. Becasue it wil let you know if it is a hoax right away. If then you find out he is the father, then you will have legal right to be in the childs life and she will not be able to stop you. I do agree that the mother should not be able to makethat choice for the most part. My sister wishes everyday that she didn't tell her babies father though because he IS a very bad man. But i don't see how that could be possible in this case. Now on the note of the child being mad at someone, you should not worry if he turns out to be mad at his mother becasue those are choices she should have thought about before she told him anything. And the whole thing about not wanting him, i think is bs, how can you not want someone you never knew about. If it turns out that he is the father then you guys should be honest with him that his mother and his father lost touch for along time and that you are happy (if you are) that you get to meet him. And you look forward to learning about him. Plus if he writtes a letter like what she is requesting she might be setting him up for court. Because if she says she doesn't want your money and then gets a letterfrom you she has proof you "know" he is the father and that he doesn't want any part of it. Then she can make him look bad and get more money from him for child support, you have to be carefull with crazy women cause theydo not think the same way we do. JUST TAKE A PATERNITY TEST BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE. You don't have to be there at the same time and i don't think you have to be in the same place either. Good luck and just take comfort in knowing this child wasn;t conceived while you were married. cause there are alot of those guys out there too.

A P,

This is a really difficult situation. My suggestion would be (since it seems this woman hasn't been very honest) to simply ask for a paternity test. I don't think that would be unreasonable, and then you could go from there.

It is very unfortunate for the child, becuase no matter what is done from this point on there is a pretty good chance he will be mad at someone.

Good luck with this very difficult situation.

Paternity test .....Paternity test.....Paternity test. Can't stress it enough from the start. Demand a paternity test before you commit to anything! THEN if it shows your husband to be the father, go to a lawyer and find out your rights and limits! Then take it ONE STEP at a time from there. She sounds like she could be an enormous problem but she may have just realized that she needs to "man up" and be an adult.

The number one thing to do is get a paternity test then go from there.You should treat this child like you would want to be treated or like you would want your own children to be treated, it is not this child's fault. If your husband is the father of course you are going to be "taken aback" but if what you say is true about the mom the little boy is going to need a stable environment. I hope that you can be that for him. And if you are angry(don't blame you) do not take it out in him, just love the little boy. Good Luck!!!

Ask if she is willing to have the child give a DNA sample. If so, you can find out for certain if the child is biologically your husband's. If so -- as you say, responsibility ensues. If not, then you can say (honestly & regretfully) thanks, but no thanks. If she is not willing, then that tells a story, too. In that case, your decision should be based on what you genuinely believe is best for the child: an uncertain father, or no father at all. Not a clear or easy decision. Good luck! PG

Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. What I would do first is establish paternity before anything. If this women is as bad as you say. I know it is hard not to stress about it but before doing anything drastic you need to know for sure if your husband is the father. I have dealt with this in my past but my ended where we split up because of this. Come to find out I found out after a years time the girl who claimed she was pregnant had told 5 other men besides mine that they were the dad. Well to make a long story short-she lied. Just be careful don't let this get between you to-you need to stick together. My ex and I after a year are now trying to work things out. Hopefully we can get through this we together have a 15 mnth old daughter that hasn't seen her Daddy since she was 5 1/2 months old due to all the junk we went through from this girl. So please don't stress get paternity established and take it from there.

no matter what, this will get legal, so might i suggest that before entering the child's life, have a paternity test done. if she refuses, all future correspondence will be mute. If he is the dad, do ALL the things you can and legally pay support and have it documented that it was x-amount of years before knowing. having gone thru something similar, my hubby found out about twins and she was not in it for anything (sure) we had to pay almost $8000 and had to prove they were adopted away from her to get the payments stop. each state has their own laws concerning children and such, so check into it all and do not enter blindly. good luck and i will pray for you. it will be stressful, but your great relationship with your husband will only grow if you do this together and never take out the frustrations this will cause on one another. keep in mind, the woman is mentally a mess.

Hi,

Well, this can be a tough situation, however a similar thing happened to me as a child. When I was 8, my mom contacted my dad (whom I had never seen or talked to) and discussed us connecting via mail. I wrote him a letter and months later did not hear back. So, she called again and his wife answered. She said that they decided it be better for him to not be in touch. It about broke my heart. My dad could have at least told my mom that himself. I sometimes wonder if the wife found the letter and never gave it to my father. How could a dad not respond to their child? At 40, I still am searching for my dad. I thought I found him on the internet, but he would not email me back. It is heart breaking and I wish my dad would wake up and call. All I want is to get to know him and his past before we both pass away. Now this lady may be a little off, but that shouldn't mean that your husband not make a connection. I would suggest getting blood tests to see if the child's and his match up. That would be my first step. Then if they do, write letters and if he has a little extra cash to spare here and there, that would help the mom and child.
Hope that helps. H.

You will probably hear this over and over, but get a paternity test. Then do what you know in your heart is right to do. NOT what is easy to do, but what is right. I think most of us know what that is, but we don't always want to do it and look for others to confirm that we should be let off the hook.
That child is a person who needs to be loved and know that he is loved. We already have enough screwed up kids who think no one cares.
Good luck.
G.

My suggestion is to get the paternity test immediately, before making contact with the child. That way if it is not his child he doesn't develop a relationship that he has to cut off. If it's his child then he has to step up to the plate and make it right. It's not the child's fault. I also would not worry about whether the child will be mad at someone down the road. If it's your child then be the parent and give them all the love they deserve and things will work out in the end. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

You might have a long crazy haul ahead of you, but I hope that you'll be able to look on this as a blessing for your children that they have a big brother. My hope also is that your husband make the extreme effort to make sure the boy is his and if so lets him know he was never unwanted. If Your husband is the father it my be God's way of trying to save the boy from a mentally, emotionally challenged mother.

My prayers are with you,

J.