Siblings Growing Apart as Adults

My brother is 13months older then me and growing up we were like twins. We did everything together. And as adults we were the same until I moved. He is my brother and my best friend.

From time to time we grow apart... and then one or the other of us picks up the phone, and then we end up being very close again for a few years. Drift, back together. Drift, back together.

My brother and I were almost 5 yrs apart, never close growing up. After college we were roommates for a while. and now we are grown ups. and we get along. Close,no. But, now that he is married, Things are changing. He seems to be making more of an effort.

My husband was very close to his brothers, family dinners every Sunday. And, that was a great tradition. the problem, once everyone gets married, it isn't the wives tradition...One of them has married a horrible woman, and now none of the others want to be around her. Time will see what happens.

No we have not...we talk...email... text everyday...like alot...and see each other at least once a week...or more if the ocasion arises. It is us 3 girls...we were raised together and we stayed together...in the same town...all our kids are close as well as all our kids children are close. Just one niece and her 2 kids moved to Nevada on orders but we do the same with her everyday...call...text all day and email and they are flying home for Christmas. Oh PLEASE do something to get ya'll back together...I can't imagine. Maybe start with a GMail appointment!!!!

No, no never let it just happen. Keep trying. Call his wife, call him, write them, text them, even contact the children. Families need eachother. I have gone through ups and downs, terrible stuff and it seems like oh no, they won't be in our lives but they are ups and downs. You only get one family. Just don't give up.

I have a sister 6 yrs younger than me. Too big of an age gap IMO. We weren't REAL close growing up, always in different schools so always different friends. And it is pretty much the same now. We talk once a week or so. When we do see each other it's like we just saw each other yesterday.
Keep reaching out to your brother and/or his wife.

I have stayed fairly close to my sibs, although it is different at different times of our lives. Mostly the age of the kids seem to drive things and how much time you have. I understand what you are talking about because I have a cousin that was only a year younger than me...... and we have lost touch.

But here is what I think. Next vacation, if you can afford it at all, drive to NC! Sometimes it takes a lot of work to keep that connection. Keep trying. Maybe if you put forth an effort you will get to know your SIL better. I bet that would make a big difference.

Hi Michelle, we have 5 siblings, 45 (me) to 55 (my oldest sis). Over the 30+ years of our adulthood, we've been close, distant, married, divorced, moved all over the country, married again, new careers, new cities....we've had every imaginable degree of closeness and distance.

For the past 10 years, we are all local again, together for every holiday, chatting/texting/iming daily, dinner together. We all have different relationships with each other but the older we get, the more important it seems to be close.

I am arranging for my second son to be in college in close proximity to my first son, even if it doesn't SEEM important to them NOW, I think they will be glad to be at school within 15 mins of each other. It does make me sad my daughter doesn't have a sister, I have three, they save my life everyday. But she DOES have a close cousin, one of my sister's daughters, and they are as close as sisters.

My family does not suck. Sounds like yours doesn't either. So in the end, it's SOOO worth it to keep them close, by whatever means is agreeable to you both!

:)

I feel like that with all of my cousins. We were a tight bunch when we were growing up. We now all live in different states or across the state from each other. We are all busy with jobs and our own family stuff. Seems like the only time we see one another is when someone dies and we attend a funeral. If you really miss him, try talking to you SIL more, start out small and just keep going till you build a relationship with her. She probably doesnt know what she's missing since she's never been exposed to you much. I'd say the ball is in your court and just keep batting it in, sending pics of your kids, etc. I'm sure your brother misses you too, but men arent as apt to try to make things happen like women will. Where there's a will there's a way. good luck!

I have a brother that is two years younger than me. We were very close growing up, and we are even closer as adults. Our dad died almost 7 years ago, and I think going through that together brought us closer than we were before. We are both happily married and have two children each; he has girls, and I have boys. Our families are close. We talk, text, or email weekly, and see each other a couple of times a month, sometimes more.

If I were you, I would let your brother know how you feel. Chances are he misses you just as much as you miss him. If you can, you should go visit him - just you. The two of you need to reconnect, then you can introduce your children into the picture. I had a cousin that I was close to growing up, then life got busy and we moved away from each other. We saw each other at a funeral years later, and it was like no time had passed. We easily reconnected. Family is like that sometimes. Hopefully you and your brother will be able to pick up where you left off.

I remember when we were younger saying to my mother that we would never be like her family and we'd stay close. She was close to her family but it's the 'adult' life that we saw as kids and we played together and just said we'd always be close. Well, we aren't. We still love each other and would do anything in the world for each other though and that's what matters most to me. When our dad died we were all there together and there was that wonderful bond still. We don't talk much or see some that live farther but we still have the same love. I think as adults life gets busy, you have different lives sometimes, but it's a shame when cousins don't even get to know each other. I have cousins I wouldn't know if I passed them on the street. They live out of my state but still makes me sad. I keep saying 'someday' I'll go see them even if they didn't come to see us but if I was you I'd make the effort to just go see them in NC and let the kids meet and then if there isn't a close connection there is still A connection.

My sister and I have remained close as adults (we're 14 months apart and hung with the same social crowd in high school and have lived as neighbors for the past 6 years and our husbands get along very well) but a big difference is that we're both girls. Guys just don't seem to care about or nurture relationships as much. I have to encourage my husband to call his mom or dad, and I just think how heartbroken I'll be if my son grows up and doesn't need to feel connected with me anymore. If my husband didn't make the effort to call his dad, he'd hardly ever speak to him since his dad doesn't call him much either. So a large part of your situation is that your brother is a dude. Another factor is that you were never able to get close to his wife.

I have a best guy friend from high school who I think so highly of that I thought would still be a part of my life as an adult. When my husband and I were dating, he and this high school friend of mine would hang out all the time even without me since they got along so well, so I thought he'd stay a part of my life. Well, he got married and I don't know if his wife felt threatened even though we were only friends, but we never socialize as couples even though they live 10 minutes away. Once a year I see him around the holidays as part of a larger group annual "reunion" of sorts. It's lovely to see him then, but I've developed wonderful new friendships and I'm just grateful for the friendship I had with him during that period of my life. While I can't completely relate since this guy isn't my brother, I was pretty sad for a while and tried really hard to plan double dates or whatnot, but my efforts to include him as a part of my life were resisted, so I got over it. I was really bummed for a while and also felt like I lost him, but eventually it didn't hurt anymore and I stopped taking it personally. So while I can relate to your feelings of loss, I think I would fight for the relationship more since he's your brother. Without being whiny or needy or suffocating, maybe you can tell him how sad you are that you've grown apart and that you'd love to have him be a bigger part of your life. But recognize that he has a family and obligations. As a busy guys, his wife and kids have priority over his limited time. It's unfortunate that he works all the time and doesn't have time for you. I wish people would realize that when a tsunami or natural disaster hits, what people care about most are people they love. Relationships and people are what matter and they are irreplaceable, unlike jobs and money and houses (those are important too, but you get my point).

I agree with reaching out to your brother's wife, it will warm his heart and see that reconnecting is important to you and your SIL will respect that.

My brothers are 7 and 9 years older than me. I'm the baby at 48. I think we are closer now than ever. They are my heroes and my original best friends. I'm still the "little sis" but maybe not the "annoying little sis" any longer! LOL
I think you need to find YOUR bother's preferred method of keeping in touch--my older brother is best reached on his cell--usually in the evening on his way home from work. My other brother is better at the late night text and call. Just find "his" thing and make it your time to catch up, whether it's a Saturday morning phone call or a weekday evening after work text. Good luck to you in getting closer--like you once were.

I see my older brother about 4 or 5 times a year. We don't communicate a lot in-between, but we pretty much pick up where we left off whenever we get together. We have lost a little bit of commonality, as he has chosen not to have kids and I have a son. However, he is a good uncle and I really appreciate every effort he makes to overcome his lack of experience with kids.

I have no idea what's going on with my sister, who is the oldest. I have posted on here about her before. We were pretty close from our teens through to our 30s. Then she dumped her first husband, picked up with a new boyfriend and poof! She's almost virtually gone from all of our lives now. She emails once in a while and calls twice a year. She has met my son less than a handful of times. It's really bizarre. It almost sounds like an abusive thing, but I don't think that's it. Makes me sad sometimes.

My brother and I are 4 years apart. I call him my brother the only child! He doesn't seem to be able to see me as the adult I am as opposed to the teen age sister I was. He always brings up stuff from the past. He even told me that I didn't deserve the help from our parents when I went back to university. He felt that I screwed up twice and didn't deserve another chance. Mind you my parents paid for his college (out of state). I think he was pissed because he decided to go to grad school and my parents wouldn't pay for it. Regardless, I told him it was none of his business. Now, I will say, when I graduated, he and his family were there to cheer me on. Its a strange relationship and I think some of it has to do with my SIL. We haven't been up to their house in years and I think we need to make the "grand gesture" and go.

I just wish he would see the person I am today. I am so proud of his accomplishments, I just wish he would return the favor.

yep, i think this is just a natural progression of everyone getting older, living far away and having complicated lives. unless folks like close, this just happens. i think if you are sad and really missing him and the connection you need to get on a plane and go visit. its really the only way to reconnect. phones conversations are tough because we're all so busy. i've found that going to stay for a week and immersing into someone's live is the best way to really get to know them again.
sorry you are sad!

I have one brother who is 10 years older, from birth until I was 5 he dragged me everywhere, then he turned 16 got a car and I was dropped and a bratty little sister he "hated" then he left got married so by 9 I was being raised as a only child and was spoiled more and he by the time I was 14 was always so mean to me I didn't like him coming home, then I turn 18 and move out around the same time he is getting divorced and we ended up living a few blocks from each other, we partied and did everything together from 18-20 then he woke up and realized a 30 yr old needs to grow up, so he startted to act a little different and I moved out of town for university, then he would visit a few times a year and I would go stay with him a few times a year. I got married and moved several times before buying a house 3 miles from him at 24, he re-married and his wife didn't like my husband so we stopped by each others house to say hi but didn't do much other than holidays with our parents then last october he was divorcing again and he basically moved into our couch and my husband was working out of town for months so it was like we where 18/28 again with children, did everything thing together called each other 5 times a day, in December I moved to be closed to my husband (since job was likely to continue 2+ years) and my brother was so only he called all the time, at that time we agreed than he should move into my house when his sold (had to sell in the divorce agreement) then in Feb, he met a women, his divorce was final and he sold his house so he moved into my house and moved this women without me knowing also into house, since then he grew distance then in JUly I went home for the first time to visit and found out about her living there, I wasn't upset about her really I was more upset he hid her from me, so since july we really haven't been talking but he did call to set up christmas with me, so I figure it will work out. now my cousins growing up with them everyday, now I see them about once a year and its like talking to strangers. This last time like of them had a baby on her hip and I didn't even know she was ever pg,

We worked very hard to reconnect. First we had a long talk by phone, then we set a date for me to visit with our kids, we brought lots of gifts to bribe the affections of the cousins, brought photo albums to remind the sibling of the value of family and taught all the kids about our family history and to introduce our past lives to the new spouse, and found common interests to make conversations easier. SKYPE is amazing and maybe for the holidays you need to buy everyone in your family computer video cameras and a group video SKYPE account. This all cost us a lot of money but now our kids occasionally SKYPE and send each other e-mails. Bottom line - time for a heart to heart (maybe on SKYPE) and an investment into a redefined relationship in the future. Also, they have to be open to it. If they don't want it, it can't work. A relationship has to be two ways.

What a nice gift to your family a getting to know you experience.

Good Luck.

I was my brother's shadow growing up. Once we hit our twenties, we have parted ways, though. We live such different lives and he has grown to resent me in many ways which makes for an unpleasant relationship. Even under the best of circumstances it's hard when we hit our married with kids years, I think. Whether we mean to or not we get busy and distance only adds to to the separation. I used to miss the relationship but I can't fix it alone so I just let it go. Neither of us is in the ground yet and we may grow closer in later years. Life takes many twists and turns.

Yes, we've grown apart. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. My brother doesn't talk to any of us and my sisters and I are all so differerent. It saddens me because we were so close as children. I am fairly close to my youngest sister, but she lives in another state so I never really get to see her. I really envy the families that are big and close, especially at the holidays. We try to invite close neighbors and/or friends during that time.

Hi Michelle,
My older brother and I went through a period as young adults where we drifted apart after having been very close as kids/teens. We're close now, again, as much as we can be given that we don't live near to each other and he works 50 million hours a week LOL
My suggestion would be to write to your brother. A hand-written letter. Tell him what you've shared with us - that you miss him deeply and that you'd like to be closer, etc. Speak from the heart. Make suggestions/requests on staying in touch - maybe you could agree to call/Skype each other on the first Sunday of every month, for example, Or perhaps you could arrange to meet him 1 on 1, one weekend once a year, in a fun place like Vegas or somewhere that would be convenient for him (since you mentioned that he's very busy). My Dad and his two older sisters did that for their entire adult life, thru college, marriage, kids, etc. They all have very different personalities but always enjoyed that special time together once a year. I feel for you and I hope that you'll be able to get through to your bro. I adore my big brother and although we aren't as close as we were as kids, I know that I could call him anytime and he'd call me back as soon as he had the chance. Best of luck and take care -Suzi

My sibs are 18 and 22 years older than me, so we are not very close at all. They were adults and out of the house when I was born. I'm lucky if I see either of them twice a year. Have you tried Skyping your brother? Skype is awesome.

My relationship with my siblings have stayed about the same into adulthood. My older brother (by 2 years) we have never really been close (apart from when we were much younger) and always argued. We are just very different people. To this day, I see him twice a year at holiday gatherings but barely talk. We are courteous but have no actual relationship whatsoever. My younger two brothers (by 4 and 8 years) have had a much more normal happy sibling relationship with. Sure, they were always annoying :p but a good relationship. When I started to date my now-husband, he would take them to my softball games etc (back in high school) and they thought it was so cool to hang out with him. A few years ago, they were junior groomsmen in our wedding. Still talk often and they visit here and there when they can but are both in college and pretty busy :)

I am an only child, so not an issue for me. My husband has a brother that is 4 yeas younger than he is. They were never particularly close as children nor are they as adults. I used to really try to encourage DH to call and interact with his brother. However, the age gap is something. They just were never in the same stages as children and just do not have much in common with each other now. It bothers MIL greatly and she tries to force a closeness that just isn't there. It is sad, but not much you can really do...