Siblings Constantly Arguing

Separate them as much as possible.
Siblings need breaks from each other.
Have them go on separate play dates with kids their own age (7 yr old with 7 yr olds, 4 yr old with 4 yr olds, etc).

My sister and I (she is younger by 22 months) never got along - we still don't.
Sometimes siblings are just not compatible.

Just as I was logging on to MP, my daughter comes screaming "MOM John keeps being mean to me & saying mean things!!!!! As soon as I started reading (Out Loud) these responses> My son went to his room & my daughter grabs her cereal & all's quiet !! For now>> Thanks Moms!!

every time they start to argue give them a job. something to benefit the family since what they were doing was a strain on the family. clean baseboards with a babywipe, wipe chair legs, dust with a pledge wipe, empty trash cans, sweep kitchen with a broom, clean toilets. both are old enough to start helping around the house and if they have time to fight they have time to clean.

separate note: your 7 year old needs to learn she is the boss of only herself and not her brother / sister.

This will end in about 11 years... In the meantime, ear plugs and wine, lots of wine!

I agree with Sherri. When I hear my kids (approx same ages as yours) start to argue, I say "I can hear that you are done playing that game, so now I need Child1 to empty the diswasher and Child2 to clean up the toy room (or wipe the table or whatever chores I can think of)." I don't try to mediate, figure out who's right, or assign blame, I just give each of them a separate chore to do that takes them away from each other.

My daughters didn't stop fighting until the older one went to college :-(
I'm not kidding, they just had the hardest time getting along. Very different personalities and they both have mannerisms and habits that drive the other one crazy.
It helps to keep them separated as much as possible. It also helped me to make sure they had LOTS of playdates with their own friends. When their friends were here they were happily occupied and much less likely to argue.
This has been one of the most disappointing parts of parenting for me. You create this little family and you think your children will love and be kind to each other and even be best friends (!) but then you realize they are actually individual people and you have very little control over that. All you can do is separate them and make sure there are consequences for unacceptable behavior.

It's so important for the kids to be individuals, and I agree with making sure they have enough of their own time and space.

My boys are 7 and 9, share a lot of the same friends due to sports and similar interests, still they need their own time. Fortunately, they are pretty good at taking breaks from each other, but sometimes we have to intervene and just redirect them.

Do you see the 7 year old acting like you? Correcting, talking, mannerisms, etc? I'm only asking because my 11 year old was acting a lot like I was when her brothers were younger (they are all 2 years apart) and I had to step back and change how *I* handled situatons. I saw her change right along with me. Maybe take a look at how you handle the same things the 7 year old is correcting. Let the 7 year old know they do not need to be in charge.

When my kids starts fighting, whatever object/toy, etc. is put away for 5-7 days. I'm OK with disagreements, but yelling and using bodies isn't allowed. If they start arguing again,then they can't play together anymore. If someone says something mean, they get a natural consequence. For instance. The 6.5 year old yelled enthusiastically about a food Sample she knew her brother couldn't eat, rubbing it in his face. I asked her how she would feel if he did that to her, and she said, OK, so I took it away and she doesn't get it.

Sibling without rivalry is a good book, as is he hit me first.

One tip -- when you discipline or verbally correct them for fighting -- always do it to both of them, unless it's blatantly one or the other. Otherwise you will encourage the competition.

Separate the siblings as much as possible. My two boys are three years apart and get along great, unless they spend too much time together! I try to arrange things so that one goes to his friends house and the other has his friends over. I register them for different activities on different days. When it comes to family outings I allow them to each bring a friend so they have someone to hang out with other than each other. If they are at home alone together and they start to argue I will find things for them to do in different areas, like send one outside to shovel and the other downstairs to scoop out the cat littler boxes. Your seven year old will learn to curb her criticism if she finds herself doing extra chores!

1) Separate them.

2) Set up an Argue Jar with a bunch of cardboard strips or the large size tongue depressors (from the craft store) on which you have written a whole bunch of chores with a sharpie marker. Or, you can use little photos or pictures from the internet to help those who cannot read or read well. You can set up 2 jars if you think the kids are very different in their ability to do different things. Every time you hear this arguing, just tell them that play time has become arguing time, so it's time to go to the Argue Jar(s). Each child picks out (randomly or within 15 seconds - no stalling) a job to do. Ideally these will be jobs in different rooms. You know what needs to be done, but suggestions include picking up dirty clothes, putting them in the hamper, putting them in the washer (7 year old), sorting clean socks/underwear and folding washcloths (4 year old), emptying the dishwasher (except glassware), setting the table, taking out the recycling, emptying bathroom wastebaskets, cleaning the bathroom sink (and toilet if you're ambitious), dusting (provide a microfiber duster and other cleaning tools - perhaps hang a low hook in the laundry room or broom closet so they can reach things without your help), picking up toys and matching puzzle pieces, etc.

3) Take away the object(s) they are arguing about, and put it in the closet or the garage or the attic. Assign a chore price tag to that object if you want to, or a time frame for its "vacation from arguing".

4) If your daughter criticizes/corrects your son, give her the chore and not him. If he's standing up for himself, he gets 1 free pass. If he's sniping at her and escalating, then she gets 2 chores and he gets 1.

5) Don't argue with them. That creates the same nasty environment you're trying to avoid. Show them that not being mean is way more fun.

6) Understand that this will not work the first 3 times you try it. There will be more arguing. Let them know that there will be 2 chores if they keep arguing. Take a calm moment to explain the rules and the new "system" to them when there is no drama going on.

Eventually you will be able to nip this in the bud by just saying "Do you kids want to go to the Argue Jars?". You can give one warning, and then that's it - the 2nd time, there's no negotiating their way out of it.

Stay strong Mama!

My late Mom made my sister and me work on a household task together, until it was done. Then, after strict instructions, she'd leave the room to watch t.v. ! We'd get talking about how mean she was, agreeing totally. Years later it ocurred to me that Mom was one very smart woman, who heard it all, and knew we were becoming better sisters through these mutual work tasks. Love to you, Mom.

Keep them separated, completely in different rooms, forbid them from even looking at each other. If they aren't allowed to be together they'll sneak off and go play nicely so you can't find them and tell them they can't play together.

Make sure they know they're being separated for being too noisy and arguing so they connect the separation with that.

Separate them. They are at very different stages of development. 4 is very much a "baby" to a 7 year old. Also, do your best not to add to the situation. Do not argue with the children. De-escalate arguments through respectful, calm, cool, and collected talk, not barking orders in a frustrated manner. Often, the way the kids interact with their siblings is a direct reflection of how we adults interact with them.

Separate them.
Nothing makes my kids want to play nicely together like telling them they can't play together at all. Before you know it, they are scheming together to get you to allow them to play with each other again.

That, and removing the offending item they are arguing over. If it isn't an item, but just bossiness, like you describe the one correcting the other, then separate them. Different rooms if at home. No talking to each other. Not looking at each other. No touching each other. (this even works when they are both in the back seat of the car).
They get bored really quickly when they suddenly have no "audience". And guess what... mom and dad aren't the only audience in town. Siblings are audiences, too.

I love the Love and Logic books. One of my favorite lines from those are "uh oh, you guys are draining my energy and hurting my ears. I'm going to need you to fold the clothes because you used up my energy to do that."

If you haven't read those books, I invite you to read them. You can find them at the library or used bookstore. I have the teens one and find it's incredibly helpful when I can remain calm and use their technique. My fave right now is I love you too much to argue with you.

Blessings!
L.

My mom just told me and my sister to take it outside because she wasn't going to listen to it. As long as there was no bloodshed involved, she let us work it out.

My kids are 2 years apart. Once they were old enough to understand the arguing and tattling, my rule was that if I had to step in (arguing/whining drives me crazy) then they both went into time out. I didn't care who started it or who said what. It translated into arguing with a gaming system, board games, favorite toy, whatever. If they argued, it was mine with no discussion. Now that they're 18 and 16, I still say this with their 11 year old step brother.

sounds like boredom to me..at the first sign of the older child "correcting"their sibling, tell them ..oh, you must be bored..here, take your clothes and put them in your closet..now. oh, you dont want to? after i went to the trouble to wash and dry them?? gee, i guess you dont want me to wash and dry your favorite shirt then, huh? if you find the older child something to do every time they decide to "correct" their younger sibling, they will quickly decide to stop correcting them, same thing goes for the younger child, if they start a squabble, tell them, oh, you are bored, well, fine, go pick up your toys out of the floor..now. and, no, the older child does not get to "supervise you" while you do it. you might not get a cleaner house out of the deal, but at least they wont be squabbling constantly. K. h.

I really like Mom2KCK and Mynewnickname's answers. As well as the posters who mention that 4 and 7 are very different developmentally and need space from each other. So separating them when they argue in an ugly manner is really important.

One of my niece's became SO bossy when she was 11. I swear, I could barely stand being around her. I would constantly say to her "Let your cousin (my son) be a 6 year old." Over and over. She didn't want to listen, but she was actually a smart girl and eventually figured it out. We didn't see each other often, but by the time she turned 13, she was somewhat better.

I admit that if she had been my daughter, as a mom I would have sent her to her room when she acted like this (which her mother did not do.) My kids didn't do this. Then again, I have two boys, and they have their own particular quirks, boys do!! But if your daughter will not shut the corrective comments up, I'd send her to her room every single time until she stopped. She is going to start this stuff in school and no one will like her. Not being willing to "hold in comments" is a real issue and you will be doing her a huge favor by nipping it in the bud.