Shy Teenager? - Springfield,IL

My 12 yr old is the same. Shy, reserved, set in her ways, does not do good eye contact, very book smart, intellegent art abilities.... school is a focus. But she is coming out of her shell a little each year and it really does have to do with a passion she creates for herself and then she sees the kids wanting to hear about it. She never asks to spend time with her friends or wants people over...she is a go with the flow .......but she really is who she is and I have learned to accept her. My fight for her to be like me or sister is over and she is her own person and she is doing everything that she enjoys and what makes her happy and if it is not what I want, well then I have to step back. Since then, she has ran the show and stood up for what she needs or wants and it is amazing how she is changing. Good changes.

A few things..

The not making eye contact.. Is that even with you and your family members or is it every person? If it is also with you and your immediate family.. I would have her tested for Asperger's Syndrome.
Here is a link http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers...

Otherwise
Is she bright?
Is she super mature?

Does she have any special interest?

What does she enjoy doing?

Our daughter has always been shy. Very studious.. Enjoys being around adults.

Her interest could be very solitary. Reading, Art, music..
She had a few friends in HS, but they were all kind of Nerdy/Geeky like her.
She joined the Art Society, Was a member of the National Honor Society and so this lead to lots of Volunteer Opportunities.

As parents we all had to kind of prod them to get together and do things.. Especially in the summer.

We the parents facilitated by allowing day long Geeky movie parties.. we had the food and snacks.. Or taking them to some of the festivals and making them go and "Have some fun for gosh sakes". They liked hanging out at one of the book stores here in town with a cafe..

Gather them together and meet up at a pool.. Or an out door movie event.

I also made sure our daughter volunteered in summer programs so each day she had a place to go.. This was great because she got many babysitting and tutoring gigs out of this.. The young kids loved her.. she got along great with the teachers.. so the parents totally called on her.

The happiest she has ever been is once she got to college. She completely bloomed! She was surrounded by a whole campus of people like her. Mature, geeky braniacs.. And then the more outgoing people dragged her around with them.. so she did become social.. I almost fainted when she told me she had been elected to be the House Vice President!!!!!

I was like that in high school, until I met some people who had similar interests and we could hang out (but mostly really at lunch). I came out of my shell, and really became the person that I am, in college. I think for some high school is some of the high spots in life - and for others they have not figured out who they are enough to be confident in who they are - so it is challenging to fit in.
My suggestion is to keep encouraging her to try things. Also keep assuring her that she is great the way she is, and that you believe in her. Gradually she will make the transition and become more confident - but on her own time scale. Some of us are just quieter and shyer than others - but that is OK. We still have fun, just not in the same manner as some of the others. :)

One of my boys was painfully shy. I created situations for him to practice social skills (ordering at restaurants, paying at the store, etc), reminding him beforehand to make eye contact and how to address the people. Secondly, taking Speech (public speaking) in school helped immensely. Learning speaking skills from the teacher got through to him in a different way. He told me recently that he knows he has done well in job interviews because of his speech classes.

.

This is a tough question as my children have not reached the teenage years yet. But, a few things come to mind:
1) lead by example - (sounds like you are) - point this out to her and tell her the benefits of this behavior.
2) find out what her passion is and get her involved in it but in a group setting. If she likes reading, have her volunteer at the library. If she likes math, have her join the math club at school.
3) host a small gathering for her and her friends at your house. Maybe she has classmates that she wants to connect with better, but they don't see each other in school enough (different classes, etc)
4) ask open-ended questions. Find out why she doesn't seem to be so outgoing at school. High school can be overwhelming and intimidating. Are the kids into stuff that she just doesn't want to be involved in? (i.e. dating, gossiping, alcohol, etc)
Good luck!

Figure out what her passion is...

Is she good at a sport, or whatever...then have her join a group or team related to that. Usually the repeated exposure to an activity creates friendships within the group.

I think I have to ask if she seems anything else besides quiet and to herself?
Is she depressed looking, crying alot? Do you see signs of sadness?
Is she a writer? A music person? an artist? Sometimes those are solitary things. I, am from a large family and at times that was enough for me and I quite like to be by myself now. But like her I also had friends at places like school and that was good enough. If you see any thing else or hear about bullying, or things that could harm her, poor appetite, etc. do something -otherwise she might just be who she is and that's it. My older son is now twenty seven and to this day is extremely quiet and reserved like he was in highschool. He is married to a gregarious outgoing chatty woman who makes up for anything he doesn't say. Sometimes we have such an idea of how people are 'supposed' to be that we don't understand they are just fine. So if you really think there is a problem you can get some help. Otherwise just keep on loving her.