Hi, I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter. She's a happy kid and loves to be home with us. She's not at home sulking but she is always home. She does not have any real close friends. She had one she felt comfortable calling but that girl moved away this summer. She sits with the same group of girls at lunch every day but they are not "friends" - more acquaintances. They do a lot of things outside of school together and she doesn't seem to be included. She is shy but very funny and silly when you get to know her and if she's comfortable around you. I wanted her to go to a school event with me, my friend's daughter (who is a year behind her) and an old friend of hers that she doesn't see so much anymore. She was more concerned with running into the big group and there would be SO many kids there she just felt like it was too much pressure. I know she would like to be included but she also doesn't want to be around big groups - she's just too shy to enjoy that. She just tried out for a team at school - don't know yet if she'll make it or not. She enjoys acting classes so we sign her up for those and she has a great time there. But still, no friends to do things with on the weekends. Do I just sit back and say, oh well, maybe she'll make friends in high school, or maybe she'll make friends in college? I don't know how to help her. Most of the time, she's very happy being home with us but I feel like a 13 year old girl should have at least someone calling her to hang out with. She literally does not have any friends that reach out to her outside of school. If you met her, you really would be shocked that she doesn't have friends. She is sweet, pretty, clever and funny but she just doesn't know how to reach out. The girls she does sit with at lunch every day - for the last 2 years are pretty popular and outgoing so I think she doesn't know how to interact in that group. I try to encourage her to find another group where she can feel more comfortable but she doesn't know how to go about that either. I know I'm rambling but I don't know how to help her or if there is nothing I should do other than let her find her way and know that she eventually will. In the meantime, she gets lots of love at home.
Thank you for any advice
Sounds kind of like me...I just didn't really relate to the kids I was in school with and didn't make close friends until college.
The fact that she tried out for sports is a great sign. Don't worry, she'll be fine.
You sound more worried about it than she is. Acting is great, maybe she can find one more club or sport to join where she can meet like-minded people?
If not, she will meet kids acting. Drama is a great outlet for kids who don't exactly fit in the box.
She'll be okay.
The worse thing, would be to make her feel that something is "wrong" with her... do not do that.
Have her, if she wants, to get into hobby groups or other things, that SHE chooses and enjoys. Simply tell her if she wants to join something she can. And that you'd be happy to pay for her dues etc.
I was similar... but my parents was always glad... because I KNEW who I was... did NOT have 'bad' friends, was fine socially, and always chose friends well and situations. I was a home-body too. I was a sort of 'loner' too.... not into things just because others were... but I was FINE.... and did not suffer.
My Daughter, who is 7, is similar. She was 'shy' when younger... but is VERY articulate, social, bright, cute, fun, funny, self-assured... but she KNOWS herself, is comfortable in her own skin, is very wise and CHOOSES 'friends' well... so I am PROUD of her... she is fine!
My daughter is not a "cookie-cutter" kid, nor a "follower" and I LOVE that about her. It is her "strength."
Don't worry... but keep a good open relationship and rapport with your daughter... that is ALWAYS best... and valuable as she grows up. Her camaraderie with you.... she will find her way.
all the best,
Susan
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hey i was like exacly like her when i was in school but i din't hang out with anyone because i was shy i had friends but i like being by myself i would atsy at home too and wasent interested in going out with friends i would enjoy my time alone i'm 19 now and i'm good i still like to be alone without friends. you should just let her be herself maybe she just likes to be home rather than hang out with friends.and don't worry too much she sounds like she doen't have a hard time by herself.
Some people just aren't that social. As long as she's happy and doesn't seem depressed or sad, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Suggest she join some type of group -high schools are full of them from band and athletics to drama club, chorus, environmental groups, Tri Hi Y, and so on. Literary clubs like debate may be good. I don't know if you go to any type of church or temple or anything, but most religious places have youth groups. Some of my best friendships came out of my church youth group in middle school when I really didn't care for many people I went to school with. There are also charity organizations where she could volunteer and possibly make friends. Above all, just make sure she actually wants to do any of this stuff and isn't doing it just to please you! I think it's nice that you're worried though, and I probably would be too.
Hi Joanie,
I'm also a mom of a teen daughter. Your daughter needs to take control of her own social life if she wants one. Your post talks about how no one calls her and no one reaches out to her. That's not how you get things in life. If she's interested in hanging out with kids from school then she needs to be the one getting on the phone, making plans to see a movie or asking someone over. It's not up to someone else to make this move for her. The other girls do a lot of things outside of school together because they are making plans. Your daughter is not included because she does not make any plans. Even though she is not unhappy, I think it would be good for her to have some social interaction, but she is past the age of mom setting up playdates, she needs to take the initiative if she wants this. It's not up to someone else to befriend her, it's her own responsibility.
So exactly whose problem is this?
It sounds like she's happy at home and would rather be home then out with a bunch of teens.
I have four kids. All four are homebodies. My 15 year old epecially. She would rather read a 400 page book then spend time with people. She does like to go everywhere with me though.
Encourage her to join some clubs or a team, maybe swim team. Maybe encourage her ot have a friend over for a night but don't make a huge fuss. If she is 13 and happy you are doing a good job.
Updated
So exactly whose problem is this?
It sounds like she's happy at home and would rather be home then out with a bunch of teens.
I have four kids. All four are homebodies. My 15 year old epecially. She would rather read a 400 page book then spend time with people. She does like to go everywhere with me though.
Encourage her to join some clubs or a team, maybe swim team. Maybe encourage her ot have a friend over for a night but don't make a huge fuss. If she is 13 and happy you are doing a good job.
Oh my goodness, I don't think you should worry. I remember 15 and how hard it was. I felt so left out, no one ever included me in anything. What I do remember was those kids going to the parks at night, drinking, and doing silly things etc. Part of me used to think, why couldn't I be "cool" like that? I felt like an outcast. She's going through a transitional period in her life, not knowing whom she fits in with. I too had one good friend, which I've lost touch with completely. Once I got into high school things got better. I just came out of my shell, actually became one of the cooler, yet nicer kids in the grade. I kept my morals and values intact so I wasn't taken advantage of. I don't know if I'm telling you the right thing, but let her be herself, she'll eventually discover who she is at her own time. Maybe acting will open up doors for her in the near future. Try dancing classes, that was one of my best developing moments through my high school years. I was able to express myself and never got embarassed by it when at parties. She'll figure out her hobbies. Give her time, and don't rush her to make friends. She needs to choose them herself until she's comfortable with them. Right now, she seems to be doing the right thing. Just turn on the music, get her into acting, photography, anything until she discovers herself.
Oh, best of luck to you and your daughter. She sounds like a lovely young lady.
Hi,sounds like your doing everything right as a parent.Your daughter sounds like a great little gal.Is she unhappy being alone?You said she has always been shy.She could very well be an introvert.Im an introvert and we love being alone....just not lonely.
My 11 year old daughter is an introvert and has only one best friend,but is beloved by everyone.
I would ask your daughter more about this group she feels uncomfortable around.Make sure there is no mean girl or bullying going on.
If you continue to worry about your daughter seek advice from your school counselor.
As a mom with an 18 year old son and 11 year old daughter.....my best advice.....buckle up and grab an expresso.....your in for an emotional drama fest ride...lol...
I was exactly like that. I hung out with a large group but did not really participate with the group. I did not call or meet with them after school or all summer. I was quite happy by my self. I am still like that. I am a stay at home mom and I attend a church of about 2000 people. I can't really say that I have a friend in the church. Lots of acquaintances that I will occasionally talk too after church, but I don't have phone conversations, email back and forth, or meet for outings or shopping trips with anyone. Even now, I truly enjoy a couple hours to myself, usually after the kids have gone to bed on the nights my husband works late. If I get to go shopping by myself (extremely rare) I feel like a bird that has been let out of a cage. The only person in my life that I can truly call a friend is my Wonderful Husband.
Let her be and don't push her. It looks like she is will to try sports and acting. That's more than I would have felt comfortable with.
Mom if it is not bothering her to have more acquaintances than friends I would not be too concerned. It sounds like it is more of a problem for you than her. She will find herself and the group she wants to be in, just keep loving her for who she is. If you can you may see if there is somewhere she wants to volunteer in her free time, a charity or cause she has a passion for. Is there a youth group at your church if you are church goers? Our daughter has met lots of nice tweens earlier there and now teens since she has just started high school. The kids here seem to be nice kids. Girls at this age at school are likely very clique-ish so she needs just a few nice friends, not to be the most popular girl at school. Hopefully if she makes the team she just tried out for, this could be a new avenue for friendship too. Good luck to her, she sounds like a great daughter.
HAve you thought about invited one or even a few of the girls over? Maybe to go swimming (if you have a pool) or watch a movie, do nails, etc. HAve you met any of their moms before? Perhaps at a school function or a birthday party? You can contact the moms to plan a "get together" at a bowling alley, skating rink. movies, diner, park, etc. Maybe she'll follow your lead when she sees you socializing with their moms---just a thought.
This is what I did with my shy daughter--it worked! I have another daughter who is not shy---just the opposite---extremely outgoing. her problem is that her class is very competitive (academically & athletically) and so she is usually more comfortable with some girls in another class, who like her for who she is and who are not jealous of her accomplishments. Most of all, don't let her think that something is wrong with not hanging out all the time with someone. It's okay. Once summer, my oldest went with only seeing one of her friends a couple of times because the other girls were going though "phases" according to my tween daughter LOL!! She wanted no part of the drama! Don't fret---she'll be okay--she seems to having a loving mom!
If she is happy, then leave her alone. Why push her into doing what she doesnt want to do. Not everyone is the 'belle of the ball.' Perhaps she is a little more immature than her circle of acquaintances. Or maybe she isnt comfortable with the things they do.
Hi,
Possibly try to get her to have kids over. Have a Halloween party and rent a chocolate fountain or take all the girls out bowling for a fall party. It doesn't need to be a birthday to have a party. That way you can also see her interact. You can drop them off and hang in the back ground or probably they will want you to leave. But I think bring them to your house would make it more comfortable to have her invite someone over in the future. You could go buy tons of nail polish and let them have a day of beauty party. Cut cucumbers and make some skin masks. Just an idea. I alwys try to reach out to my kids parents and invite for sleepovers and dinner. I like to see how my girls interact with their friends on a personal level. Good luck!
Hi Jaine, we have the same daughter! only mine is 12. She is an only child and is just like your daughter. We encourage her to call a friend on the weekends or have one over. Its like a chore to her. She has friends because I have scouted out girls that I think would click with her and made friends with the moms. I have the mom over for coffee and say, hey bring your daughter so our kids can get to know each other. This has worked for me too. Our daughters have made friends and so have I with the moms. Sometimes kids dont know how to go about making friends. Its a good example to them when they see how you do it. She has three friends that I chose for her and they are on good terms. Also get her involved with an after school program or class. My daughter is obsessed with guitars! She plays rock music and has to go to class to do it! Kids need a push and as parents, there are lots we can do to help them along. Hope this helps. On the plus side, at least she is not out there being wild! Also another reason my daughter is a homebody is because she gets so much homework during the week and has to get up for school. On weekends, she just wants to chill!
Sounds like you are supporting her and trying to facilitate positive interactions for her. I think that is all you can do. If she is happy, doing well in school, happy at home and not isolating in her room on the computer or tv a lot, then I'd just be thankful she loves you two and let it be.
Michael Gurian's "The Wonder of Girls" has been the best book on girls age 10-15 that I have read.
Is she interested in any sorts of clubs or sports outside of school? My 5th grader has a similar problem. She has one best friend, but often feels left out of groups. It has been so hard for her to see that she needs to actively include herself. She'll often sit around waiting for an invitation which rarely comes, since the other kids figure if she wanted to play, she would just join them. We got her involved in club soccer and it really seems to be helping her grow more outgoing.
I feel for you, and for your daughter. Social interactions are so difficult for shy kids to master, but if you can help her figure out how to actively participate in a group now, you will be giving her a skill that will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life. Good luck!
OMG! I could have written this a few years back! My son is now 16 and finally found a good friend who he visits a few times in the year overnight. This one friend does not go to his school and lives about 5 miles away. My son is not shy but quiet. He really is bored at school even with his more advanced classes. He complains that the teachers are not that interesting and never talks about friends etc, similar to your situation. I encourage him but he never invites people over that he plays soccer etc with. Finally, I decided that as long as we have open communication and he is home with us (not in the streets, not depressed, keeping up his honor roll status..) he is fine! A good friend is hard to find! This summer he went on his first "group date" w/ one very outgoing girl and two other boys. Give her time, she will be fine!
