Showing Appropriate Emotion

I think it's very hard to tell children how they are supposed to feel and how they are supposed to show that feeling.

Not wanting to cry in public makes sense. There's either a rush of people saying, "Don't cry" or a rush of people smothering and consoling. That's too much for a kid who may be on the shy side (especially based on your other posts about your daughter). I know you worry so much about her, and I wonder if the hovering is a problem for her sometimes.

A lot of kids laugh when they are nervous. I had a student who smiled when he was in trouble - it wasn't disrespectful actually, it was just an automatic response. There's also a more serious disorder that shows these behaviors, although I'm not suggesting he had it or your daughter does. We teachers were experienced enough to understand this, and we consulted with each other to see that it was across the board, and not a show of disrespect to a particular teacher. I think you should not worry about what a young child does in school ("What if...?") - this is elementary school and it's really not necessary for you to get so upset about this. Probably the teacher has observed this behavior. If you're desperately concerned, you can mention it at the parent-teacher conference or send a very brief note in at the beginning of the year. Don't go on and on - just say that you've noticed your daughter can laugh at inappropriate times as a defense mechanism, and for the teacher to let you know if it's a problem that needs to be discussed. Don't overdo this - teachers have many new students to deal with and get to know, and they don't need a big narrative, just a brief head's up.

Not knowing how to behave in a memorial service is totally age appropriate. Not wanting you to see her crying ("something in my eye") could be her way of protecting YOU from sadness. I think that's sweet, but I also think it's a concern if a child is trying to take care of the parent. I think kids learn by doing, and they learn by seeing. That includes ways in which to grieve - but young kids not yet missing the person who has died is so normal (because they don't yet realize what it's like to not have someone come back). Moreover, thinking about death and the loss forever of a loved one is very scary for children - can you imagine? Long explanations don't always have the effect we'd hope for - it's often too divorced from the actual event, or even at the same time, a kid doesn't see her own facial expressions and connect them to what you're talking about. A brief "we don't laugh out loud in church" should be enough to cue her to tone it down.

That said, you have expressed many concerns about your daughter over the years, and if you think this is part of a larger problem in many situations over many years, I think it's worth a discussion with her pediatrician and a referral to a family therapist to help you all through this with new coping strategies. If I look at all your posts not as individual ones but as different aspects of a large problem that has you extremely worried, it's a logical step to look at some neutral and professional input.

She sounds pretty normal to me. I think a LOT of people do not like to cry or show emotion in public. They wait till they are in private. I am this way for the most part, and I think it is pretty normal. You can just keep encouraging her to share her feelings and emotions with you and say it is ok to cry. But don't worry if she waits to be in private to do it. Just tell her when she laughs at bad news (maybe tell her in private later if you are in front of others) that it's not good to laugh when she hears something serious. This is normal too though...it's what many people do when they do not know the right thing to do. It's almost involuntary. Tell her you understand she probably did not know how to react when x, y or z happened. You can tell her it's more appropriate to do x reaction instead (act serious, listen without laughing, say you are sorry, etc). But don't expect her to suddenly be mature and do this automatically....this is hard to learn for some people bc when they are super uncomfortable they tend to laugh instead. As far as saying "Yay" when she gets a consequence...my daughter used to do this at age 6. Just ignore it. She doesn't really want the consequence. She doesn't want to feel like you control her though and instead of feeling sad/mad she chooses to say she doesn't care or that she likes it instead.This is something I just ignored and my daughter outgrew it.

she may just be wired not to show her heart on her sleeve. i don't think that's necessarily something that needs to be fixed.

rather than 'help' her show her emotions in a manner you find more appropriate, it might help her a lot if you validated her need for privacy.

i think it's fine to work with her on restraining the laughter at totally inappropriate venues, like a funeral. but i'd be sure to be clear that you're not telling her she's wrong, simply that her laughter will be upsetting to those who are mourning. she gets to mourn her way, but needs to be sensitive to others.

since you and your husband are aware of her propensity to greet stress with defensive laughter, why do you get more upset when she does it? i would totally ignore her laughter and 'yay' responses and accept that this how she copes.

if she is exhibiting inappropriate behaviors across the spectrum she might need to be evaluated. but if this is just her way of dealing with stress, i think i'd let her work through it with support and understanding rather than 'fixing' it. it may be that she'll decide at some point that tears in front of other people is okay, but it may just be that she's fiercely private about her strong emotions and that's how she is.

help her accept it and handle it.

khairete
S.

The laughing during stress is pretty normal. Most people grow out of it but some adults do this as well. And I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to cry in public. Do YOU like crying in public, at work? at a social function? in a store? I think most of us "hold it" until we get to our car or home. Or a public bathroom stall in a pinch. Crying is so personal, it's not something we want to share, except with people we are close to. She sounds totally normal to me.

Children often manage difficult emotions differently than adults do. I wouldn't worry about her not wanting to cry in front of others, maybe she's an introvert, maybe she is just uncomfortable with the intensity of her feelings, especially with people she is not that close to. One of my sons was like that, I even remember the same thing with him getting his hand slammed in a car door when he was with friends, and not crying at all, and I don't remember him crying much when his grandmother passed away. Children grieve differently than adults. Look for opportunities where she does share feelings, like "she expressed that she wished grandma lived longer," and just listen to her and let her know you understand. Make sure you and her father are expressing a full range of emotions, but try to manage the intensity. Sometimes kids will shut down if others are very intense, yelling, crying, etc. Many adults struggle with difficult feelings too, either holding them inside or losing control, so strive for balance.

You can also just let know how you feel when she laughs when you are being serious, and if it comes up at school (my guess is it won't), you can explain that adults don't like it when they are being serious and children are laughing.

She’s 6. Of course she’s having inappropriate responses. She’s figuring things out. Please don’t take it so seriously or personally.

With regards to your Mom’s passing, I am so sorry and realize that has to be an incredibly hard loss. For a 6 year old, it’s probably difficult for her to be around a lot of sadness and know where to put herself. I know adults who don’t know where to put themselves in that situation.

If she gets in trouble at school and laughs when being reprimanded, she will learn from that experience. It’s the teacher’s territory and I would recommend you support her teachers while letting them handle the day in and out routine. For one reason, unless you’re volunteering and happen to see your daughter misbehave, you’ll be receiving second hand accounts.

I think sometimes we think their behavior at school is a direct reflection of our parenting. I disagree. We can help mold them and teach them. To think we can prepare or protect them for every hard lesson, in my opinion, is a crock.

When she laughs or delights in your taking away privileges for poor behavior, know that’s her defense mechanism. I had a friend who lectured her kids for every offense. About 15 mins into it her kids eyes glazed over and so did mine. To me, the fewer words the better. Lengthy explanations don’t work. Short and to the point.

If you’re uncomfortable and want to confirm there are no underlying issues, talk to her pediatrician.

My daughter REFUSES to cry where people can see her. Views it as weakness. The military has done a great job in cultivating that further. It bothered me in her high school years because I am totally opposite. I had to realize her way of dealing was just that...her way. She now confides in me more than ever and seeks my support and occasionally my advice. She’s a great kid, very different from me. She’s in law enforcement and I imagine it serves her well.

Please do not worry about how this will be dealt with at school. At the beginning of the school year, all of our son's teachers have given us a paper with questions on it so that she/her can better know our son - what does he/she like best about school, like least, struggle with in school, etc. The last question is always "Is there anything else you'd like me to know?" (I've used this as an opportunity to mention that his younger brother has Autism.) Just let your daughter's teacher know what you've observed. If your teacher doesn't ask parents to fill out a form like this, send a note or send an email letting her/him know.

Let your daughter know that it's ok to not want to show emotion. It's ok to not want people to see you sad. It's ok to let people see you cry, but it's also ok to not want to. Then tell her that it's not ok to laugh or say, "Yay!" when she receives a negative consequence. If she doesn't want to show that she's upset, that's ok. But it's not ok to laugh or say, "Yay!"

Stay calm and be consistent. She'll adjust.

Ok, I'm going to say it. I think you need to have a psychological evaluation done on your daughter. So many things that you mention are simply out of kilter. For example, our special needs son isn't a "braggart" - referring to your earlier post of the email you got from the teacher. However, our son has no filter and also doesn't understand tact at all due to his disabilities. Same with the emotions thing. Our son nearly always has the opposite reaction of things than are dictated by what is actually going on. He often smirks, snickers or laughs if his is being reprimanded for something and if it is really serious (like a death), he will laugh out loud. He has had incidents at school where he has laughed at an injured classmate or even worse, one who was crying about the loss of a parent. Needless to say, that did not go well at all.

At 6, many of these kinks we see in kid's emotional barometer have started to work themselves out - mostly due to peer pressure and emotional maturity coming along. The fact that your daughter really isn't experiencing the expected growth in this area really is cause for concern.

Good luck.

I think you mentioned your daughter was 'shy' from your last question.

Sometimes we call kids shy but they can be introverted, or have some other trait.

I am shy, but very free with my emotions and quite social.

My husband is very introverted and reserved. So he would do as your daughter does - he would never demonstrate emotion in front of others. I also have child like this.

As far as it being inappropriate, you can gently mention this at another time - but feeling self conscious (not liking to draw attention to oneself) is pretty common for people who don't like attention.

Laughing it off or saying something in the eye would be a common response to someone who wants to make light of their emotions.

I wouldn't make a big deal about it because that's the last thing they want.

Is one of you like this? It's usually an inherited trait. It's who she is. It would go along with not wanting to perform in front of others (on stage) unless comfortable, etc.

This sounds very common, is why I'm asking.

There is an episode in Modern Family where Claire (mom) smiles every time she gets bad news (when someone has passed away). It's more common than you would think. It does seem very inappropriate - but some people just are very awkward with grief or don't like being emotional in front of people they don't know well.

Part of it is maturity - it will come :)

My adult daughter said it's wrong to cry as she is crying. She knows it's OK to cry but in this particular set of circumstances it felt wrong. She is OK and I suggest your daughter is OK. She is learning and acts in ways comfortable to her. As she matures, she'll learn different ways and make changes that are comfortable then.

I suggest the best way to help her is to first accept her as she is while you continue to model ways that work for you. How we react to our feelings is often related to our self confidence and sense of security. Help her to feel more confident. Let her know you know that she is OK. At least 10 positive statements/day about the positive ways you see her.. Seriously limit critical statements. Use positive reinforcement. Discipline rather than punish. I recommend 2 books. One by Adele Faber, how to Listen So Kids Will Talk. The other is Parenting With Love and Logic.

In regards to laughing incident at school. Her teacher knows her and is likely to also see your daughter's laughing as a defensive reaction. Remember the teacher is trained in child development. The teacher recognizes that your daughter has a good heart, that she doesn't laugh because she's making light of what teacher says.

I suggest that you're emphasizing what other people think instead of what your daughter feels. When your daughter feels good about herself she is more likely to be appropriate in each situation.

When your daughter says 'Yay' for a punishment - you seem to try to cover your anger.
Do you let her know that her reaction is not acceptable to you?
Have you ever shown her that she made you angry?
Any "How dare you?! Go to your room and stay there till I come and get you!" ?
Sometimes a calm stern talking to - blah blah blah - just doesn't convey what you are trying to get across.
Do you add time to her punishment for it?
Perhaps your consequences aren't matching her currency.
Taking away something she doesn't care about won't cut it.
Find her currency and use it.
When she sees you are taking this seriously - she might take it a lot more seriously than she is now and she'll learn where your boundary is.

I've seen people sob uncontrollably at funerals and I've seen them laugh out loud.
I've also seen them drunk, belligerent, and just looking for a fight to give them something to do besides deal with their grief.
In terms of a child dealing with death - just let that go.
People will deal in a million different ways - and none of them are wrong.

She needs a child psychologist to work wuth her, mom. There are several reasons. She needs to be able to mourn. If she doesn't learn how, she will make herself sick. If she cannot show sadness, she will upset other people and lose friends. She may not even be able to keep a job or her marriage in tact. Inappropriate emotions will hurt her relationships across the board.

Please don't blame yourselves for this, but don't try to fix this without help.

If you are having an issue with something your daughter has done. Get Your husband to me the facilitator for these questions and vice versa: She exhibits challenging behavior towards you. Circle up: Your husband asks her these questions. No responses from him or you. 1) What happened? 2) What were you thinking of at the time? 3) What have you thought about since? 4) Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way? 5) What do you need to do to make things right?
Next, he asks you these questions. Only you respond. 1) What did you think when you realized what had happened? 2) What impact has this incident had on you and others? 3) What has been the hardest thing for you? 5) What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
Save these questions and have some one facilitate these questions to repair the harm and restore the relationship. Good luck. It works.

Everyone reacts to grief, pain, displine differently.

When I was a child my grandmother who I loved dearly passed away and I found myself laughing. I didn’t know why.

Your daughter seemd stoic.
She might be embrassed to cry. Seems to me she is very sensitive to her environment.

My son does the same thing with the “yah”...but you’ve got to follow through with the punishment. He is very stubborn child so you’ve got to call the bluff.