Should I "Help" My 3 1/2 Year Old or Not?

I think it is okay to help them at that age. Sometimes the task can be very overwhelming to one so little. They have a hard time visualizing it being done, and just see a huge pile of mess. You can make it a game for him. Tell him you are going to set a timer and see how many things he can pick up in 2 minutes. Cheer him on, and make it a game. He's still so little. Sometimes it really helps to limit them to having only one thing out at a time, so therefore, they only have one thing to put away (just the blocks, or just the legos). If they have to clean up a bunch of different things and sort them while doing it, it is too much for their little minds to grasp at once. Be patient. He won't be 3 forever. :)

Gve him a choice. Do you want to pick up your cars or your books? Let's work together and I'll help you. If my daughter refuses I tell her the toys will be taken away if she can't help clean up. The whining gets to me too! I usually say I can't understand what you are saying because you are whining. Use your big girl voice.

LOL! I'm laughing because my 9-year old still does that! She is QUEEN of getting other people to do things for her, and is successful a lot of the time.

Part of his frustration is he might feel overwhelmed by the entire task so you could help him by giving him one step at a time.

Getting dressed at night just might mean he's tired, or he wants some mommy attention. Try having a reward at the end of each thing he has to do. I don't mean a toy, I mean telling him to put is own pjs on so you can read him a story. Or clean up the mess so you can go outside and have fun.

I have discovered with my 9-year old that she does things a lot better when there is something fun waiting for her when she's done. I have scheduled all her chores BEFORE playtime and she can't play until she's done. Even at night, the reward is story time, a short TV program or a card game (easy cleanup).

It's so much easier to encourage with a reward than to push from behind!

Good luck!

part of the way to fix this problem is to not allow it to happen in the first place. limit the amount of toys etc that he has out. that limits the amount of mess to clean up. have him help pick out the outfit the night before. and really at 3 is it that important that he dress himself? He is growing older and with that comes the responsibilities of dressing feeding going to the bathroom etc himself. he may just need some extra cuddle time. enjoy him being little because before you know it he will be saying I'm fine I don't need your help.

I bet that if you help him, then he will do things with you. It might be too much for him to clean up a big mess, so you can tell him that you will help him clean it. For PJs, you can say, "you put on the bottoms and I'll help you with your shirt." You are not doing it all for him, so you are helping him to learn to do things on his own, and you also are teaching him that you are supportive and will help him. You say that usually this battle is over getting dressed at night. Perhaps you can rethink the routine for this, rather than having a battle every night. I understand, my battle every day is over brushing teeth before bed. I think it is bad because we both are tired at the end of the day and need sleep!

Lots of mixed results here! At that age, I would not expect him to clean up huge messes by himself, nor would I let him totally off the hook. I would do it together and insist he do his part. No need to start handing out heavy ultimatums like -if you don't do it I'm throwing everything out. Ick. Total overreaction in my opinion. Also, you should be modeling the behavior you want front him, which means making it fun to pick up after ourselves, not that it is such a huge horrible thing. (And "digging in your heels" sounds a bit like you are doing the same thing you don't want him to do.)
The getting dressing thing, again, if it is mainly at night, he is probably tired. He is three! Enjoy it while you can, soon he'll be a teenager and he won't want to talk to you anymore. ;-)

At this young age, I would help him. We would do it together and make it a happy time showing him how to do things. I would not punish him for this as he is to young to clean a huge mess or get dressed without you. He is getting frustrated and the only thing he can do is tell you to do it. He might not have the language skills to say "Mommy can we do this together." You both will be much happier working together. Have fun doing this stuff.. ....like who can pick up the most toys gets a huge hug!! And its a learning experience for him also. He is learning to pick it up and having fun with mom.

It sounds like he's manipulating you. Especially if he has done these things before.

A 3 1/2 yr old should not be able to "make " you do anything. You're the mom. If you think he needs help, then help. Teach him to ask for help politely, not in a whiny voice. Also, if he is a good kid, don't expect too much as far as doing things on his own. Teach him the right way to do it, break it down so he can handle it.

Im a stay at home mom of 3! My children 4 and 6 do the same thing. Sometimes I help and sometimes I do not. I would say do not do it everytime as he will start to notice you give in everytime. My 4 yr old can clean her own room and make her bed! So I know what they can do when they want to. I give them a time limit and occasionally will go in and lend a hand for a min. Rewards work also!!

My son is 5.5 and just started putting his clothes on himself at 5 years old, my daughter is almost 4 and she's been changing her clothes for the last year. I truly think it's a boy thing.

Your son will only be this young for a short period of time, I say, don't fight it, let it be a bonding thing between you too. In time, he'll decide he's too big for your help and then you'll realize just how fast he's growing up.

But, like you, I was fighting with my son to try to change too, so you aren't alone. One day, you'll see, he'll do it all on his own.

If you really insist on getting him to do it himself, try a different approach, I tell the kids get your pjs on and then we'll have some ice-cream before bed. That works great. Or, have a race, tell him you'll bet you can get in your pjs faster than him. little boys love races.

My 3.5 year old does chores. She is in charge of cleaning up her toys a few times a day. We do clean up before lunch and before dinner. If she whines, she goes in the corner for 3 minutes. If she still whines, I take her toys and put them in a garbage bag. She loses them until she can learn to clean up her mess. I'm not about to get into a power struggle with a preschooler, which is what's going on in your house. He's more than capable of cleaning up his own messes. We also recently started a sticker chart system. I let her make the chart. I put 3 duties on it. Cleaning up toys, eating a good meal (she's a horrible eater), and brushing her teeth. Each time she does a duty, she gets a sticker on her chart. At the end of the week, if she has stickers in all of her spots, she gets a prize. We just go to the dollar store and she can pick something out. My daughter loves stickers, so this works really well for us.

It is partly a power struggle, partly being tired if it is around nap or bed time and partly still needing help because they feel overwhelmed and their brain can not always process where to start (I am not making excuses that is how it is for a young child).

Kids at this age still have a short attention span, she you have to calmly remind them what to do. We also have the rule that we clean up before nap time & bedtime, since she is getting tired the additional rule is she hast to start and when mommy is done cleaning the kitchen I will help BUT she has to start and actually pick up mostly herself. If I come in and she is playing and nothing has been put away she get one warning to start picking up and I will come in five minutes and if she still has not done anything they get packed up by me and put in the basement till she learns to clean up. On a rare occasion she has had toy mess taken away for a week or so but I have found that saying I will help her when I am done in the kitchen she feel LESS overwhelmed and feels she can do it. Usually I come in and the mess is half cleaned up, I sit down and start helping by coaching her on how to break it down and giver her tasks (example: pick up the cars first, then dress clothes, then play food). I barely help but just by being there to support her she feels less overwhelmed which means no break downs.

With the dressing (my daughter is almost 4 years old) I still help her when she wants it because I know soon there will be a day she will not ask me to help her dress! I still pick out her clothes, she really does not care yet on what she wears (I am sure that is going to change soon). I put her clothes on the bed and tell her to go get dress and about 60% of the time she does it herself but the other 40% she will come and ask for help with certain parts. I am more the glad that she still asks me for help and I try to nurture her in doing things herself but I will also help BECAUSE when she is a teenager I would love it if she still asked for me help/advice on ANYTHING. If you start stiffling asking for help now it may cause issues down the raod with school work and other kid/teenager issues.

Try Love and Logic methods. (Check out the books at the library.)

Give him a choice, in your sweetest voive, then FOLLOW THROUGH with whatever he chooses. Make sure you are okay with EITHER choice.

For example: "You can either pick up your toys, OR they go in the trash."
Wait. If he doesn't start picking them up right away, get a trashbag and begin to 'clean' for him. Do this a time or two (maybe just once! lol) and he will get the message that you mean business.

Another: "You can put on your pajamas, OR go to bed without them but you need to go to bed in 5 minutes."

Then you can say, "You can choose now OR I will choose for you - and you might not like my choice!" :)

Hi there,
He may just be resisting growing up and letting go of being a toddler. I usually try to give my little boy choices so he can't give a yes or no answer. For example, try giving him two choices for what he'd like to wear. Or ask him if he'd like to clean up by himself or if he'd like your to help him. It usually works with my son. Also, praise him when he does things himself. The positive reinforcement can also help him realize that positive attention is much more rewarding than negative attention. Hope that helps. Good luck and hang in there!