Should Husband Tell His Dad?

Just a thought--when people don't have school aged kids, they're not always "in tune" with school schedules, etc.
Just TALK to them, like Suz T. Said.

If that's the week they must come so be it. Evening activities can be missed so kids have time with grandparents. Usually by June all classes/activities are over.

I would propose a different date but if they decline, maybe they are more comfortable with just a little time w kids. Do they cook and clean? 😀

it's difficult for me to wrap my head around this degree of non-communication. all families have blind spots for sure, though, so maybe this is just one of 'em?
for me this would be a no-brainer. if it were my parents (not my in-laws, i do think it makes sense for everyone to deal directly with their own parents) i'd say something along the lines of 'are you sure? the kids will still be in school so won't get to go have adventures with you. of course, you will get to go to <dance rehearsal, baseball practice, karate class, whatever> which will be fun, but no day trips. no? okay, then! we'll see you on the 6th. can't wait!'
give them a brief, no-pressure explanation as to why you think your dates are better, and then go with your plan, to graciously and enthusiastically accept whatever they're going to do. (assuming, of course, that you DO want to see them. i'm not quite sure where you stand on that.)
even if they're not warm fuzzy let's-have-adventures grandparents and are only coming from obligation, it's still better than no relationship. i understand your husband's pique to a degree, but i think he can talk to them without the grumpiness implicit in your scenario. you're a good DIL for welcoming them regardless.
khairete
S.

"your welcome to come anytime you like but just so you know......"..insert I can't take tine off work, kids are in school plus have nightly obligations they can't miss whatever.

maybe they expect you to shuffle around them, maybe they aren't thinking, maybe the where budget restricted and had to get the cheapest flights. Maybe they only want small doses of kid time.

Why does it have to be a big deal? Why can't your DH just say something like: you are welcome to come the week you have planned but it's the last week of school and a little crazy. Everyone might enjoy it more if you come the next week instead. What do you think?

If they say no for XZY reasons, so be it.

Okay - why do you guys NOT communicate with your families??

I don't get it. My dad is scheduling his trip out here this summer after the boys get out of school. In the past, when my mom was alive, they would make plans around our schedule(s).

Why do your kids HAVE to go to these activities? Why can't they miss them? I think family time is a tad bit more important than activities.

I understand you are upset. You feel as if they only come out of obligation. TELL THEM THAT!!! Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it might hurt them. But damn girl - COMMUNICATE!!!

My in-laws?? Only came to visit during "holidays"...once, after my MIL died, did my FIL come to watch our oldest son make his red belt in TKD. My son was sssooo happy that someone other than "us" would be there. His Pop-Pop couldn't wait to leave. It was so sad. They missed out on so much with our kids. Now they are both dead and my kids don't have memories of them.

MY parents? My kids have memories. As my family has different priorities. We were a military family. We were in Hawaii, Taiwan, Virginia, California - so my grandparents? I BARELY remember my mom's parents. My dad's ? I have some great memories.

Now that I've given you some examples?? You need to talk with your husband - get your expectations out...what you WANT and expect and NEED...then be a UNITED front and COMMUNICATE with his parents about what you want and need from them. Don't MAKE them feel as if they HAVE to come....ASK them WHY and seek some compromise. This is ridiculous to stress over this when COMMUNICATION is key!!

Good luck! !Happy Easter!

Maybe they only enjoy seeing the kids a few hours a day? I know it's hard to hear but not all grandparents are really "into" their grandchildren. The only way to know for sure is to ASK them.

I don't understand why they dictate to you when they are coming and you can' speak up for yourself. Are they that intimidating?

Is there no ongoing communication between the your family and your inlaws?

We live a plane ticket away from all family and when someone wants to come out, we welcome them BUT, we give them 2-3 dates which are good for us which is in the time frame they are considering visiting so they can choose one of those dates to visit.

I don't understand why grandparents would choose to come when school is still in session. I also don't understand why you or hubby can't speak up and tell them school is in session, how about this date?

If you and hubby can't speak up now then how are your children going to learn to speak up for themselves when needed. Children model the behavior of the parents.

You can't complain if you don't bother to speak up.

Maybe they are coming to see your hubby and you and the kids are just bonus when they do get to see them. I went to see my daughter in florida. And loved that the kids were in school in the daytime. that way I got to spend time with my daughter in the daytime and then the kids afterschool. kids 24/7 when your not around them all the time can be quite overwhelming. and there is nothing to say you couldn't take the kids out of school for a full day while they are there.

I would definitely tell them the schedule. They might be under the impression that school is out by that time...it is in my area. I cannot imagine them coming to see the grandkids and then not getting to spend much time with them. Say something now to avoid hurt feelings when they get here.

I think you and your husband should make the suggestion that they postpone the trip until the kids are out of school so they can see them, but at that point, if they want to stick to the original schedule, let them.

I agree with Suz T - why can't people actually say what they think or feel?

I don't understand that. Then in my mind, if you don't speak up, you aren't allowed to complain about it :) That's how it works in my family!

I grew up in a house where you were considerate, but not to the point where it inconvenienced you, and you were certainly allowed to voice your thoughts. Why does your husband not feel he's allowed to do this?

I think so many issues in families and between people in general are people make assumptions (often incorrect) and don't speak up. How are your inlaws supposed to know what works for you if you don't tell them?

My family comes sometimes when the kids are in school and then my kids either invite them to come watch their activities (sometimes that's really nice as it's a treat for both - the kids and the visitors from away), or they don't go that week and spend quality time visiting. Usually our visitors like to go watch the hockey, etc. to cheer them on. I get that it would have been nice to have them at the recital but they couldn't make that. Maybe your daughter could give them their own little recital at home :)

The "I get the feeling they don't much like to come here.." ... see, that would drive me nuts to wonder something and not know. That's where honesty in relationships does wonders. Respect and honesty. Maybe they feel they are bothering you (people actually like when people give some idea as to what works for them) because you guys never speak up. And you know what? They do sound like they are bothering you in this instance. Maybe they are just reading the signals.

Good luck :)

You and your husband both have allowed a pattern to develop. His parents are now completely used to telling you they will visit, not asking you if and when they may visit. Ask yourself: Does your husband's upbringing and his past with his parents mean he has a lifelong tendency to say yes to whatever mom and dad tell him? I bet so, especially if he actually said "let's be nicey nice" and cave to them.

This is going to be a hard habit for him to break but unless you want to be married to mama and daddy's boy for the rest of your life, your husband needs to BE the husband and dad and not the son trying to please his parents.

They should be ASKING you when is a good time, not telling you what they have already booked and paid for. That is how adults relate to each other - by consulting and checking and compromising. Not by dictating, even when it's done "nicely." Your husband needs to wake up and realize that he is still acting like a youngster trying to keep the peace and make his folks happy -- but that means he is putting your children and you last, behind his parents. Not how adults act toward their spouses and kids OR toward their parents.

He -- not you, him! -- needs to say, "It is very difficult for us to have guests the last week of the school year; the kids have a lot of events that week and you will not see them, and we cannot entertain you during the day while they're at school. We love to have you visit, but we need to be consulted about when you visit, BEFORE you make your bookings. If you cannot change these bookings this time you need to know that you won't see much of the kids -- it is not a good choice of a week to come. And next year we need to know before you book what times might work for you, and we need to consult before you buy."

I would tell them that's the last week of school and let them decide if they are OK with a couple of hours through the week.

Yikes! If my mother-in-law came that week she would be spending a lot of time on the road. Not only are my kids still in school, but their activities are insane prepping for all-star games and recitals/finals. That would be one of the worst weeks for a visitor to want to spend fun time with my kids.

Why not talk with them? I don't get why it's so hard and having to be nice about it, it's a conversation. That week doesn't work for you guys, so they need to come another time or skip this visit. Easy enough. And I would tell them from here on out they need to check with you on dates before they come.

Well it is hard to second guess.
They told you about the trouble with the flights.
Maybe the flights were less expensive? Maybe they have a hard time being around the children all day?

Maybe they have other things planned?

I agree with you. If their goal is to really visit with the grandchildren, they would plan better and listen to your suggestions.

Unless you are paying and making the arrangements, there is really no way for you to take control of this.

Why wouldn't your husband or you let them know that the kids are still in school and don't get out till 4:00? If no one feels like they can tell them this simple little thing, then there's bigger problems we don't know about.

During this upcoming visit, I would intentionally assess their energy level and enthusiasm for being around the kids. That will tell all.

My personal hunch is that they are tired, perhaps set in their ways and dealing with 'kids' (how many do you have?) might be too much for them several days in a row.

Be honest with them during the visit if you see them enjoying the outings and that a visit during non-school time would be an absolute joy.

I'd just make sure they know that there are previous engagements that will be attended. Let them know the kiddos will be in school and will have end of the year activities to complete. If they still choose to come during that time give them a list of suggested activities for while the kids are in school and let them make their choice as to how to spend their time.
Hope it works out for you guys!

If they can't come on the week you want they can't come...why get mad?

I'd be grateful they wanted to come at all. You guys can do stuff during the day and on the weekends.I think it's really sad that you're in school so late. I'm grateful we have school August through May.

Do they know it's the last week of school? I would make sure they do... It could be that they tink kids will be out by then. If that's not the case, I'd let them come when they want and be as accommodating as possible, without missing things that have already been planned too much.

I notice grandparents visiting throughout the school year. They may come regularly and it happens to be nice weather here, so it is comfortable all year long.

From what you say, they sound set in their ways, so not sure if the conversation would accomplish much.

I like what RA B and some others said. Let them know about your schedule (again I would think THEY would have asked, which is why I am thinking they are set in their ways). You actually invited them to a memorable event that they seem to not be able to find a plane ticket for that week. I get that airfare varies and I have planned a trip based on the best airfare deals, but they just seem to be missing the point of bonding with their family while you are on Summer break.

If you haven't told them the kids will be in school, tell them now. Sounds like they aren't able to consider the kids plans. If they were they would ask ahead of time. Once you know they know about school, I'd let go of trying to understand them or guide them to make better plans. They are who they are and have been that way for years. You can't change them.

I would be hurt, too. You want your kids and their grandparents to have a good time. You want your kids to know their grandparents know them and are proud of them. You're trying to make the trip good for everyone. The grandparents either don't understand or are unable to relate with their grandchildren. Their loss. This is an opportunity to learn that people have different values and do things differently. Doesn't mean the grandparents don't love them. The visit is what it is. We can't control everything.

Well of course they can get flights. But what is their financial situation? Are they looking for the cheapest flight or are they trying to fit this into their expense plan? I couldn't tell is this the only time they see you, your husband and the kiddos all year? Did you guys move away from them or did they move away from you? If this is their only trip and you go other times then it is silly for them to say that. Are they working or retired? I don't have any grandchildren as of yet, but my son moved out of state and we rely on our vacation times off, how much plane fare would cost and when they would be available. We have actually paid quite a bit to work out a visit in order to spend some time together. So I wish I knew a little more.
If money is no problem, and they don't have jobs with vacation time allocated, then maybe they are simply fulfilling an obligation. On the other hand maybe they do get tired and would like to just visit with their son and you if possible, and then the kids. (But adding this, gosh if I had grandchildren I would try to spend every moment i could!).But if hubby is too shy to mention that this is going to cut out grandchildren time, then perhaps you do have to speak up yourself On the other hand I am usually of the make nicey nicey, sooo...wishing you luck!

I suspect you are right. I can't imagine not being able to get a flight 11 weeks in advance.

For what it is worth, there are plenty of us on here who have the same grandparent issues.

My MIL will call me at work at 3:00 PM on a Wednesday to tell me she is driving through town, would love to see us...when I get off at 4:30, I am 30 minutes away from daughter, their RV is parked 50 minutes from my daughter, and we have work/school the next day with another 50 minute drive back. Even my 9 year old is learning, she is not really going to visit.

I wonder if it would work for him to explain the kids school schedule and then let them know the kids would be super sad if they didnt get to spend any time with them during their visit? I mean almost any other week of the summer would be better than this one. Flights are usually cheapest before kids are out of school so maybe they are just trying to save money.

Time to ask the question, I think. Your husband has to be the one to do it. Sometimes things need to be out in the open.

How old are they? Maybe they are just really slowing down and the thought of running around with kids for 15 hours a day is exhausting. Maybe they can only handle 1-2 hours a day.

Meh... just let it go. It doesn't sound like they are all that into the grandkids. Some grand parents aren't. I have friends who ARE grandparents, and they LOVE spending time with their grandkids and drive to visit them regularly and do fun activities with them, take them places, etc. In fact, they just drove 9 hours (one way) to surprise one of them for his birthday (he turned 6). They have always been like that with their grandkids.

My own parents are not like that. They live about 5 hours away. When the kids were small my parents were a bit more involved, but even then they were not as involved as some. They might read the bedtime story to them, or play a board game with them. Or go outside and play a game of bocce, or toss a baseball (my dad and my son) for a few minutes. Or fly a kite. But mostly, they sit around and read or watch TV (can't miss the stock update or their favorite news program), and fall asleep sitting still for too long. If my kids were noisy, they didn't handle it very well. They have long been out of the habit of having little ones around and their noise level and mess level. It stresses them out.

When the kids were babies... they adored every second with them. But when they got beyond the age they could be strapped into a high chair at the table, well... their ability to hang with the little ones got maxed out quickly.

Sounds like your in-laws are in that same place. They might actually enjoy seeing the grandkids.. but they likely can't take more than about 20 minutes of actual interaction at a time. So an hour in the evenings might be perfect for them. It can be "work" to some people, if they aren't accustomed to daily interaction with young kids. It will certainly be at least tiring. Even if it is a happy tired.

I'd just let them come when they bought their tickets for and let it go. Tell them the schedule the kids will have (as far as you know it) for the time they will be visiting you, and if they aren't happy with it, they can choose to reschedule their visit. Or not.

Unless they give you grief about the kids being "too busy" and "always gone" when they visit, then I'd say they are happy with the way it works out. The older people get, sometimes, the more crotchety and set in their ways they become. If they sit and watch TV at home, then they will want to sit and watch TV (uninterrupted with noises and conversation) at your house, too.
Sorry. I wouldn't take it personally, though. I'd just assume they are self-absorbed and see it as their loss. Because it is.

I certainly think someone should at least mention it to them. When MIL said they couldn't get a flight on June 20 but would be coming June 6-13, you should have said something like "Can't wait to see you. The kids are gonna love coming home from school each day to spend time with you both before their evening activities".