Sexual Neglect

When a man is having problems in that area, when it doesn't happen, they feel like less of a man. He's probably so anxious now that it's not possible for him to relax enough to get an erection.

You need to find a way to accept that, at least for now, sex involving penetration isn't going to happen. Penetration isn't intimacy.

Rethink sex. Back off. Be with him in every other way. Watch TV WITH him, rebuild the intimacy without the sex, sext him and pleasure yourself WITH him so that you are connected. Stop pressuring him.

Stop thinking this is "simple" because it's sex, and guys should just be able to get it up at the drop of a hat. It's not working. Make sure he is healthy. You are "feeling hurt" but he is the one that has had the health issues - you need to stop taking it personally and accept that he's having challenges. If you stop taking it personally, you will relax, he will pick up on that, and things may begin to change, but this is NOT a quick fix situation.

There are multiple things going on here:

1. Erectile dysfunction is the first sign of heart disease, take your husband to a cardiologist or some kind of doctor to get him examined (http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/news/20130129/e.... That isn't the site where I got my info but it might give you some insight.

2. Two words: love languages. How do you communicate love compared to your husband? My husband's love language is quality time and words of affirmation and mine above anything else is physical touch. So his emotional tank is filled by us just basically being around each other, and it doesn't matter what we are doing, he just wants to hang out we could be doing the dishes and he will love just being with me, me, on the other hand, I NEEEEEED physical touch, like I will go crazy, without kissing, snuggling, wrapping my arms around him, something, anything! The problem with this: he gets irritated that I touch him so often and I get irritated that he doesn't touch me enough. We have had sooo many conversations about this, and it is starting to get better but he is also willing to try. How do you think your husband would respond to a conversation about this? Have your husband take this quiz (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) and you do the same, then sit down and talk about it, it might reveal something about your husband that you didnt' know.

My first thought is that with all your "nagging" (sorry - hate to use that word but really couldn't think of another) and the fact that he's had problems in the past, he's gun shy. My best advice is to leave it alone for a while - give HIM a chance to initiate. My hubby and I have a very active sex life but he always says that I never initiate. I tell him it's because he never gives me a chance. He's ready every night as soon as we get into bed. When is there a chance for me to initiate when he's trying to initiate every night as soon as is practicable? So, I say back off, even if it's for a month, and see if he doesn't initiate once he's feeling like he's relaxed enough about it to try.

The longer one goes without sex, the easier it is not to have it.

What is your approach with your husband? If you're getting on him about it, then you're likely pushing him away further. That's how men operate, moving further away the more you push. I'm not insensitive to your plight, but--from your account--it sounds like you always approach him from the perspective of YOUR needs. He needs to get checked out and back on track so he can fulfill his sexual obligations to you. Oh, the pressure. Try to think more in terms of getting him checked out so he can be his healthy self. Tell him that you do want sex, but even moreso, you want him to be healthy and that your concern is that this drastic change means that he is not firing on all cylinders.

Maybe he just feels like less of a man, because you are the "hunter" in this.
Thus, it is an emotion based 'problem' for him.
Sex is not just getting off and physical for men.

How was it when you were just dating?
Who initiated it more then?
Or not?
He said he loves you, but it is not "an important dynamic anymore for him."
So that is the truth, for him. But it is not what you want to hear etc.
But somewhere, emotionally for him, he is telling you his feelings.
Maybe he is feeling a disconnect with you... and the other areas of his being. ie: do you both have fun together? Laugh and joke and have normal pleasant conversations with each other? Bond w/each other other than sex? Enjoy each others company without "sex" looming over your heads?
If not, then maybe that is the "problem" for him.
Maybe he just feels like a tool?
"Intimacy" is not just about sex.
Are both of you, intimate w/each other in other ways? Are you both able to confide in each other? Feel safe with each other and telling each other your feelings? How do you both handle conflicts?
All of this, feeds into... physicality and "sex" with your partner.
And even men... do not want to feel as though, they are just a sex tool for their Wife.
Do you feel special and cared for by him, despite the no sex?
Is he a good Husband other than that?
If you did, hypothetically have tons of sex, would you still feel loved/cared for/special to him?
Some people, after sex, they still.... "neglect" their partner.
The 'sex' does not fix it, for them. That closeness etc.

Would he be open to going to couple's counseling?
He's gone to the Doctor for you, all the other times you asked him to.... so to me... he HAS shown, that he cares. He went. For you. He took the meds. For you. He tried. He dieted and exercised, for you. He tried.
He has shown, he CARES. For you.
A man, would NOT do that... unless he cared.
Have you, gone to the Doctor and got a check up?
Checked your hormones etc.
Is "sex" the ONLY way.... you can feel close... to your Husband?
Have you gone to counseling? I am just saying this in a thoughtful way... not meaning to be snarky, so please no offense meant.

And what is that "porno" problem you said he had??? Maybe he still has, that problem????

His Dad also died RECENTLY. Maybe suggest to him, to go to "grief" counseling. Or find a grief support group. That is what my Mom did... when my Dad, died. She found a great community based grief support group, to attend. AND there, she found MANY friends. Because... they ALL could inherently UNDERSTAND what they were all feeling. Grief. Grief can take awhile, to overcome. It is MORE than just "depression."

Antidepressants can make it nearly impossible to get an erection.

I'm sorry you want sex and your husband is older now and lost his interest in it.

You do realize most men his age are going to have similar issues? As men get older they just don't have that teenage hormone stuff going on anymore. They aren't made that way. They are in their sexual prime at a much younger age.

As sad as it is he's aged. He is just not going to be able to perform to your standards/desires.

I suggest you find some adult toys or some other stimuli that will allow you a release so you can keep your marriage together.

If he had been hurt in an accident and could not have sex at all what would you do then?

Write a note to his doctor. (You do have to make it short.) Tell him the part about the insurance and viagra cost, and knowing that depression can cause it. Ask if the lexapro can cause lack of desire. If so, maybe he could give your husband a different depression medicine?

It may be that you have to try a trial separation for him to all of a sudden remember why people get married in the first place...

I hate to say this, and I don't mean to be rude, but you said you and your husband tried diet and exercise, and he lost weight. Did you? While I realize medical issues would be the main problem, if you are overweight, that probably is not helping matters. When his medical
issues/medication is all straightened out, and when you lose weight (if you need to), I'm sure he will want to have sex with you.

To start, I'd make sure to rule out all medical issues: HBP, sleep apnea, side effects of medications, heart issues, blockages,etc...
Then is start small...date nights and make time for each other for non sexual stuff.

Does he drink at all? that could be a big contributing factor.