Nk You Ladies for the commentVery TMI Question but I Wonder If I'm the Only One?

Updated on July 20, 2012
C.A. asks from Dallas, GA
10 answers

I’m going to try and keep this short but I guess you need to know specifics so:
1. My husband is 35; I am 36 years old and married for 15 years.
2. We have 9 year old twin girls
3. He works full-time at a grocery chain in the meat department and I work part-time.
It is about the sex. I am so frustrated and disappointed because I want more of it! However, I think he is good maybe once every month! That just isn’t enough for me. I hope that I am not coming across the wrong way. I love my husband and sex is something that I just always enjoyed for the most part-I hear friends talk about how much they hate it and I honestly can’t relate. Half the issue is our schedules. Most nights I go to bed myself while he stays up because he states that he needs that time to “unwind”. I get that-however by the time he comes to bed-I’m out. In the mornings I’m too tired (not a morning person) and because he stayed up so late-yeah right. He has said to be more aggressive so I do and get shooed away because “I’m tired” or some other excuse. Okay…so I wait for him and it seems to never happen that he starts anything except for like I said maybe once a month if I’m lucky. Then when it does happen sometimes he loses his erection which totally puts a damper on things and then on top of that I feel as though he rushes through the motions of everything. No foreplay –no oral (just about) except on occasions-very rare occasions. I don’t expect a thing to be like it was or for us to be like honeymooners or anything but seriously we went on vacation and we had SEX one time-that’s it! It causes arguments more than I’d like to admit and that is when he tells me that I need to be more aggressive because he isn’t aware when I need it. I told him I get refused and then things just get quiet and I walk off because I don’t want to argue anymore. I have told him he needs to go get tested on his testosterone because I just don’t think that a 35 year old man would be having these kind of issues-although I guess it’s entirely possible. Most men would love a wife to want sex as often as I want it I would think-then again I suppose we are all different. My husband used to want sex all the time back in the day or so it seemed. He thinks there is nothing wrong but when you argue over something –it can’t be right. It really is causing self-esteem issues within myself too because I think well I just don’t turn him on anymore or I’m too fat that is why he doesn’t desire me anymore. He tells me he loves me all the time and that I’m pretty yet I feel just the opposite. I feel very undesired and I feel very lonely and to top it off sexually frustrated I guess. I’m very upset about this ladies so it’s not a joke. I just wondered how many other couples my age go through this same argument. Is it YOU or is it your husband making the complaint because now I understand and relate to the men out there that get so sexually frustrated with their wives because they only get to have sex maybe once a month if they are lucky. I guess maybe it’s a difference in sex drive and you can’t really help that especially if your SO just doesn’t have the same drive. I try not to get mad, resentful, bitter, whatever…..but I don’t understand it. Maybe I am a nympho or something-this is so embarrassing. I think he needs to go and seek help about it personally because if it causes an issue within the marriage it is time to seek some help in my opinion but he never does. He just says that part of our relationship should not matter-that he loves me regardless of that and a relationship shouldn’t be based upon sex. Um…yeah okay I can see that if we were dating or something but hello I have a ring on my finger and gave birth to our kids!!! I think the relationship has more of a building block than just sex-lol!

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So What Happened?

Thank you ladies for the comments/suggestions so far. Although I just had to giggle at the ones about the porn.....not everything has to come down to that. I will agree-it CAN be a problem and a major one but people crack me up sometimes. Anyways something else I remembered afterwards. I know for a fact that he has mental issues all because that ONE time he went south. I tell him it's mind over matter but geez I don't know what else to tell him or do? I'm positive its because he is scared but then again I thought of something else. When he was a baby and the doctor was circumsizing him he almost cut a major vein before another doctor walked in and literally yelled STOP! Don't you see that major vein there? So I know this is TMI but my husband isn't quite fully circumsized but you honestly cannot tell that much. I mean I would hope he wouldn't go around showing his penis off to anyone and everyone for them to see the difference and point it out? Anyways to my point sorry-the doctor told his mother that if he ever had any problems later on in life they could try to fix it or whatever. I can't imagine that this is the problem since he has never had one in the past and it's always been there....but who am I to say that? I agree I think he needs to go for a checkup with the doc -I don't know about the counseling things. My husband isn't a huge fan about going to those people and especially talking about him having trouble getting his well "stuff" in position-lol! However if I can at least get him in with the doctor to do blood work or whatever-that IS a step. At least he knows that I'm being serious. I feel horrible that he feels horrible about it but what do you do? You can't just sweep something like this under the rug. Him using my toothbrush one night out of laziness...yeah okay I can sweep that one under the rug but I can't for this. Oh and yes I have toys of my own to answer someone elses question but that doesn't replace the "real thing" as I am quite sure some of you ladies know-lol! Used within reason fine but used all the time for gratification in my opinion you might be crossing the line a bit. I guess that is better than going off and cheating though for some-lol!

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A.H.

answers from Canton on

I feel like I could of written this exact same post. I'm 35 and he's 40 and we've also been together almost 15yrs. He doesn't have problems with losing his erection but he just doesn't have the desire anymore. He use to want sex atleast a few times a week and now it's about once a month. We do have a crazy busy schedule so he blames it on being tired. It is very frustrating..and just like you, it has started to bother my self esteem.
I don't have any advice for you but please know you're not alone.

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A.L.

answers from Dothan on

I met my DH of 25yrs when I was 35 & he was just turning 40, we have had the greatest fun having sex! That said it sounds like your DH has a very low sex drive, he also may have some erictile dysfunction problems that could be fixed with the little blue pill (viagra) or other med that will help.

For your part in this, when the kidz are in bed get that sexy nighty on, grab the oil & take him away from the couch & TV! If you begin with oral sex on him I gaurantee he WON"T be, 'too tired'!

Keep the toys by the bed, get yourself a couple of DVD's that you keep hidden from the kidz, buy some bubble bath & invite him in, jump into the shower with him, a little dance from you in FRONT of the TV will take his mind off of the mindless shows he is watching every night...on a lighter note, hold his hand, lay down on the couch while he watches TV next to him, don't let him leave or come home without a kiss, whisper in his ear how much you love him, write him a note on the bathroom mirror, it sounds like you need a little compassion & so does he. You are going to HAVE to be the initiater (sp) in this relationship maybe forever so LEAD him...enjoy one another in all things, that is the key, the sex should follow...now...if ALL of that doesn't, 'perk him UP' then maybe it IS time to talk to a counselor.

I hope you 'get it' worked out soon...Best!

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

Our bodies change a lot in our 30-40's. If there is a change, it may not specifically be sexual - it could be MEDICAL, and not desire related. If he hasn't had a checkup, then he should get one.

If he's stressed or depressed from work or something, that's going to have an effect. If he has a medical issue that is affecting blood flow (which causes erections), then HIS self esteem is taking huge hits. Most men equate bedroom prowess with manliness - and if there are issues, he's going to avoid sex like the plague cause if he can't get things working, then it's another blow - negative reinforcement and a downward spiral.

Take the spotlight off the sex for a while. And start talking about how tired and stressed he is and that a checkup might be a good idea.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

Little. Blue. Pill.

I'm not a nympho (that's an actual classification of an obsessive compulsive disorder or addiction)... However, for 9 years I enthusiastically had sex every day (barring illness, etc.). Sometimes 2-3x per day.

I have a High sex drive. I'm a very physical person. Always have been.

I've been celibate for 2 years now come aug. HATE it, but it was/is my choice. First, because I lost all respect for my husband, now because I don't date and have no plans to for several years (divorce). My STBXH happily had sex every day, but when I closed the muffin shop, he was like yours. He'd initiate maybe once a month. Fortunately for me, since that was the last thing I wanted... ER... With him. I never cheated, I keep my promises, but my sex drive remained (and, sigh, remains) the same. Some people just have Hugh libidos. Some don't. And a LOT of people have medical or depression issues.

Viagra has become such a staple, that men who would never, ever, EVER talk about their sex life with anyone, much less their doctor, WILL see their doctor for those little blue pills. AS WELL it's the side door to getting checked out (blood pressure, hormones, cancers, etc.). Sometimes they'll check before Rx'ing, but if it doesn't "work"... They'll definitely check.

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J.K.

answers from Sacramento on

Totally know how you feel. You are not a nympho and you are not alone. You haven gotten some good advice. I would encourage you to find a good marriage and family therapist. Maybe sex is the only issue in your relationship, but many times it is an indicator of other things that aren't being talked about. It could very well be a medical issue with him.

My husband and I were in the same boat. I was very very unhappy and we didn't communicate well or enough. I made it worse by making some bad choices, which is not hard to do when you feel unloved, unappreciated and bad about yourself. Therapy saved our marriage and made us better people and parents because we better understand why we do the things we do, where some of our problems stem from and how to fix them.

Don't get me wrong... we were not "messed up." Friends and family thought (think) that we're the perfect couple and excellent parents. Underlying problems can cause a lot of damage before you realize it. And I will also add that I see a lot of marital problems come up when kids get to be 5 or 6 and beyond. I don't know if it's because our own childhood issues start coming up as we are not parenting children who are not babies and toddlers or if it's just life's busyness or working and raising a family... but the problems you describe are not uncommon.

Good luck~

1 mom found this helpful
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J.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

We have been married 11 years and have 4 kids. My husband is a SAHD for the past 8 years. He is EXHAUSTED but the time I get home from work...and I need time to wind down. My commute is only 3 minutes, but I get home by 10pm.

My husband is almost 45 and I am 37. My sex-drive is WAY higher than his, now that he is home with the kids. I gave my husband Maca to increase his sex drive and it has helped, but us being attentive and him finally starting to work on our relationship has done the most good. He's been writing me notes again, bringing home flowers and kissing me at every opportunity (which was annoying at first!).

Spend a weekend a month without the kids....like Friday night to Sunday night, if you can. Go to a hotel, if you can afford it. If not, stay home. Wake up in the am, have sex and then take a nap. Go to breakfast at a cafe without the kids. RECONNECT.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

I would suggest that you make an appointment with the doctor and have him checked out for everything. Then go to a counselor for advice. Between the two doctors you should be able to get to the bottom of the problem. Make sure they do a PSA test on him. You just never know and it could save you both a lot of heartbreak.

Keep us posted.

the other S.

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L.M.

answers from Cleveland on

okfirst I've been on mamapedia long enough to know honey you are not the only one by far.

first if you have ever heard of the 5 love languages, you might start by thinking about what makes him feel loved. It might be sex/touching or it might be that you take care of him and make him meatloaf like June Cleaver, or maybe it would take you telling him over and over what a great guy he is and how handsome and strong. It sound sexist the way i'm presenting it , i'm not very elequant, but equate it to some women loving gifts of a bouquet of roses, and some women thinking what a freaking waste of money for some crappy flowers that are going to die and be thrown out in a few days. find out what makes him feel good,it might be more than offering sex.

as someone else said, if he is under-stress or unhealthy, he probably isn't going to want to get busy very often. and a dr visit or lifestyle change could be in order.

Would masterbation blunt/fulfill your drive a bit and take some pressure off of him??? heck maybe he'd get turned on watching you do that.

final thought, is he getting his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere?

maybe your tv could get broke for an extended period of time.

I might have missed it in the post but is there anything else going on besides not wanting sex? it just seems to me like there might be.

1 mom found this helpful
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T.B.

answers from Des Moines on

I am 35 and my husband is 48. We haven't had sex in 6 years. I always wanted it more then he ever did. I would always have to be aggressive to get anything. Then it just stopped.

We didn't have any type of communication about it. I would ask and he would shut down. I know its medical. That is about it. I love him and wont ever leave him because of this issue.

I think what is important is that you keep all communication open. (we didn't) Tell him how important it is for you, make it as non-comfrontational as possible. Tell him how it makes you feel and maybe he will open up to you about why things have changed for him.

Best of luck.

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

I think your husband sounds tired and NERVOUS. If he is losing his erection then he is probably thinking about that a LOT. Like every time you get busy I bet that is going through his head, "I hope I don't lose it, I hope I don't lose it, I hope I don't lose it....damn, I lost it"
I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL...don't get me wrong. But, I do think that he is probably tired and there very well be something medically "wrong" that needs to get looked at.
L.

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