Seeking Advice on Intimacy with Spouse

You may want to seek couseling. I don't know the details but he may still be dealing with the loss of your son.

First of all I want to say sorry for the loss of your son.
Second I was looking over some of the other responses and the one lady wasn't sure what ED stood for. It stands for erectile dysfunction. That could be all it is and maybe he should go see his Dr they have medications for that, and hopefully get some intimacy back. I wish you luck.

Hi A.
I'm not an expert on this subject but my thought would be for your husband to talk to his Dr. It's a common thing that can be taken care of with medication. You may also want to make sure that everything is alright physically and health wise. You said your lost your son, I'm very sorry for your loss. If your husband is depressed or on depression medication, that could be a problem as well. I hope this helped a little. Good luck to both of you. I hope that all goes well for you. D.

Sorry for the loss of your son....

Have you shared what you are feeling about this with your husband? If not, do so. Both of you need to share your feelings about this and work on the problem together.

Maybe you both need a change from your daily routines, a vacation...where both of you can be alone, have some fun and some romantic sunsets...

And maybe he'll be willing to see a therapiest with you.

he may need to seek the advice of a dr or you can try more fore play or also he may need to talk to someone it may not be you

Hi A.,First thing is to not blame yourself. if you are confident your husband loves you, the problem is stemming from something else. You mentioned you lost a son. This has a MAJOR impact on ones life. Have you and your husband discussed this problem together? Maybe he needs to see a therapist or at the very least his doctor. Stress, as we all know can affect us in so many ways. Intamacy in a relationship is very important and I think with the proper help, you both can get back on track again. The first thing that needs to be done is to address the situaltion. And next you work towards a solution. Hopefully he will work with you on this. I wish you luck and please don't put blame on yourself.

Dear A.:

I am not a doctor or even in the medical field, but your husband could possibly have a medical condition that is causing this. Maybe he should see a doctor to have himself checked out.

Good Luck, I am sure this is very frustrating for both of you.

K.

Hi! From a different point of view. My husband and I were deeply affected after our miscarriage. I could not get "interested" and he wanted to reassure our love. I know it is physically different for a woman but the emotions are the same. I'm sorry for your loss and you sound like your handeling it OK. My husband after the miscarriage wouldn't talk about it for fear of hurting me but he hurt as well. Your husband may need individual grief counseling as well as couple counseling. As always see his doctor and discuss the issue but grief is a physical thing not just emotional. A.

Dear A., I read your post and felt compelled to write to you. I too lost a son (5 years ago) and know firsthand what grief can do to all aspects of life. You can ask your husband to have himself checked out to rule out any medical problems. He is too young to have this problem except for the fact that losing a child changes us forever. It may sound strange, but he could feel guilty enjoying himself and his body shuts down. Grief is a crazy roller coaster of feelings. If he has not allowed himself to truly deal with this loss it can manifest itself in many ways. I know in time you can get your love life back. Be patient with each other. Know that your son would want you to be happy. No matter what the circumstances of his passing, he is in a better place now and loves you dearly. I hope this helps, I feel so sad for you. Many Blessings to you both. Sincerely Mary

Hi A.
You have been married a lot longer than me but we have recenly experienced this problem so i will offer my thoughts. After getting married my husband changed jobs and we started trying to get pregnant. it was fine for a while and then the ED started. He got anxiety and couldnt perform, even though he said he wanted to. He lost his confidence and was feeling stress. then once it becomes an issue..What i found worked was to keep reinforcing my love and caring and giving him confidence, not in a sexual way. Your husband may be suffering in a silent way due to your loss. the brain is an important part in erection and he has to feel relaxed and comfortable to perform. My husband also got Cialis from his doctor to take "just in case" to build his confidence. Eventually he wont need it. I am sorry for your loss. Your husband's feelings may be very deep.Maybe try playing therapist and let him talk about wht is on his mind. that could help too. good luck.

My deepest sympathy for your loss, first of all. My husband suffered the same problem and it was caused by his high blood pressure. He is under medication and it now rarely occurs. Have your husband see a Doctor. Also, it is very important that you speak about this openly, maybe in the morning at breakfast, not in the bedroom. When this was happening my husband had no idea that I felt like I was totally unattractive to him as I felt it was my fault. He was shocked that I was blaming myself. He, at the time felt that he was letting me down but I did not feel like that. When we discussed these feelings we both felt a weight off our shoulders and were able to deal with it as a physical condition and not a personal issue. Wishing you the best.

Please first let me say I offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your son. And how fortunate you are to be so positive of your love for each other after all this time and all you've been through together.

I do not have suggestions except the usual-- rule out any medical reasons like prostate or circulatory issues. And perhaps mentioning your concern to him about possible health issues (heart and prostate hit men notoriously in the 40s) that can hit in the 40s will not hurt him or you? There are several possible medical reasons.

You don't mention that you've talked together about the changes in intimacy--which sure can be hard to do. (Together 25 years--been there, done that.) If there are no medical reasons, sometimes there are emotional reasons. You mention you want more intimacy; perhaps he's not as ready? Regardless, I'm not second guessing but wanting to give you ideas to pursue together and in conversation to make sure you are both medically sound and are able to move forward together emotionally.

First of all my condolences for your lost. God bless you and your family through this difficult time in your life.

Most likely your husband may not be able to clear his mind of thoughts running through his head while he is being intimate with you. His concentration level is very low and obviously his body is present but his mind is not. You should have a heart to heart talk with him about everything and anything. Sit with him and start the conversation off by telling him that you love him very much and that his happiness is of the utmost importance to you. Tell him that you want him to pour out his heart to you and ask him to discuss his innermost feelings. Like, what makes you happy? What makes you sad? What is constantly on your mind? Tell him that his pain is your pain and that you would love to help him with his painbodies. When you talk about what pains you, it becomes more tolerable. Tell him that talking about his pain lessens the burden and heaviness that one feels from within. Tell him that you will be there for him.

He should also have his testosterone level checked out. You know when your testosterone level is low, your desire for sex is limited. Go see a doctor and rule that out too if need be.

On a happier note go out more often and find bar restaurants with live entertainment. Go out with friends and family particulary his family to help him bring back joy into his life. Crowd his mind with fun activities such as going out to play pool, card games, bowling etc. with friends or family. You guys need to spice up your lives and get out of the same routine. Things will get better eventually. We all have our ups and downs. Just continue being patient and loving bc that sure helps alot. Good luck.

Hi, A.. I have read that somewhere about that and there are ways to deal with it but I don't know much about that area. I am interested in what other women say about that. Have you discussed with him about it? You both need to sit down and talk about that issue and see where he is coming from and does he think about work or is he so tired from working at nights that it's affecting him in that sense? It doesn't sound anything serious, but if you both have talked about it and haven't come to any solution or theory that you both could work on to see if your theory or theories may be the answer, seek a doctor about that and see what he/she suggests. You probably can go on a website and see what you come up with.
Please let me know how it goes and if you need a women to confide in, please feel free to e-mail me through this or ____@____.com

I'm so sorry for your problem. It does sound psychological given what your family is going through. Even though, you may want to encourage your husband to see a urologist. A friend of mine went through a similar situation. The urologist recommended an herb (not a prescription medication that could have serious side effects). Once he was on the herb he got his confidence back, and now no longer even needs it. I'm sorry I don't remember the name of the supplement.

Honey - it sounds like he has an issue - I am not sure what it is - there are several things that could be effecting him and none of them are your fault. He could have health issues, mental issues, etc.. you may want to talk him into seeing a doctor. Many times a man's performance in bed is determined by his overall health. I know men with high blood pressure and diabtese for instance can have a very difficult time, um, staying "up"? There are some natural supplements that can help with that - no need for Viagra. If it is not a health problem then maybe he needs to see a counselor. Maybe there are some issues with losing your son that are affecting him in the bedroom.

Hope you have success talking him into seeing his doctor! :)

Is he taking any medications for high blood pressure or depression? Some of these can have sexual side effects. Call you doctor or look up the side efeects online. If not, my next best guess would be the psychological effects of your loss. So sorry...

It sounds like he is still working through loosing your son, and has yet to open up with some of the grief and pain that he feels, and your attempts to be more intimate may be getting him closer to those feelings than he's comfortable with at this moment, and it also sounds like you need the intimacy with him to reconnect and make yourself feel better. I think you should both go to grief counciling, or continue the if you are. If he refuses, you should go by yourself. Loosing a child is such a terrible thing, and it seems that there are still some issues to work out. Maybe by doing something that requires love and time, but not sex is what he needs right now to get to that place where he can open up to you.

I understand what you are saying... We found that health issues a a factor in this. Ask him to see a Dr. There are many causes that can be overcome with medicine. When you are young the threat of pregnancy can put a crimp in your sex life. and when you get older the fear of rejection or failure does it... go figure. My theory is Quality over Quantity.

Hi A.,
Know that you are not alone with this situation. Have you looked into ED? I think that means ejaculation dysfunction, and it could be brought on by any number of things. Your husband should see his doctor and get tested.
L.

A.,

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your son.

You're husband my be suffering from a form of depression, which is causing the ED.

I'm assuming your husband is around the same age as you. Many men begin to suffer from ED in their mid 40's. It's also a side effect of many medications, especially those for hypertension. Encourage your hubby to talk to his doctor.

Also, remember being intimate and sexual doesn't mean intercourse. Try giving massages or other ways pleasing each other.

You've had a loving relationship for 20 years. The majority of 40-something women cannot say that. It's NOT you. I'm sure in those 20 years you've been thru many good and bad times (I have during the last 16). Try talking openly and honestly about you're feelings. Just talking it out will make you feel better.

You may also want to talk to your GYN, who may be able to help you deal with your emotions and give you some medical info.

Good luck.