Severing Rights??

I have absolutely no experience with this but did a search on the topic here....here is a similar situation with replies. But I didn't read all the replies.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/16318165885800022017

Having been the child in a similar situation, my (boringly usual) advice would be to get the daughter counseling at the very least and then ALL parties need to be on board.

Is there any way to discuss this with a mediator?

There is the momentary relief that this adoption reversal will bring, but there are also unaddressed issues that lie in store. For example, while you don't like the way she's treating your husband now, she's still just a kid trying to figure all of this 'family' stuff out. When my bio dad approached me about having my adoption reversed--and I was 26-- it was handled very poorly. Thus, I became estranged from my adoptive father for nearly ten years; we've since reconnected, and our relationship is better for it, but it was HARD.

For what it's worth, I am sure I wasn't at treat at that age, either. Are there other problems/circumstances going on in this girl's life which are leading her to behave this way? I, too, was also was much better behaved at bio-dad's house because I was so hungry and eager to prove myself, that I was worthy of being parented, because of the previous let-downs and failures that had occurred before when he wasn't present.

In short, I thought *I* was the problem in some ways and that if I was just good enough, I could make my dad love me.

Get this girl some help, please. Don't make her wait until she's an adult. I can express all of these feelings because I've worked through them and have identified them-- in my 20s and 30s. In my opinion, she's just a kid and needs some neutral, safe place to express herself and her needs. So, re-adoption is only a band-aid, in my opinion. If all parties are interested in her doing better, later, as an adult, take this slow and get some help through this process. There may be a very good reason why mom is stalling; and if there isn't, at least give this girl the tools to get through her teen years so that she can sign onto this adoption reversal when she's 18 feeling at peace about it.

Good luck.

WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!

She's 13. Oh my word. Do YOU remember what YOU were like at 13?

It's not a "reverse adoption" it's severing of parental rights. Which her biological father had to do before your husband was able to legally adopt her.

Contact a lawyer.

Do you REALLY want to give up on her NOW? Seriously. She's 13. She's going through a lot of stuff and you want to throw in the towel? This isn't the time to throw in the towel. This is the time to buckle down and show her love through all of her nastiness. Get her help. BE her help.

"He said he should have done this a long time ago"...this from your husband who swore in court to take care of her and he is her father???

Sorry but this is awful for the girl. It sounds like your husband (the dad!!!) checked out along time ago, a real stand-up guy he is. My daughter is adopted, I am divorced now for a long time but neither of us would ever give up on OUR daughter.

Children are not disposable!!! Children need to be loved and reassured that their parents won't give up on a 10 or 13 year old!! There is such a lack of integrity in this situation, it really makes me sad for your step daughter...that's my nice version!! Ughhhhh!!!

Sounds like all the adults made some poor decisions and are now being flung about on the whims of a hormonal teenager. If your DH gives up his parental rights, then he should do so not in anger or reaction, but because it is the appropriate thing to do for everyone. Will you then cut off all contact with SD? How will it affect your other children? I have friends whose stepchildren do not live with them, do not see their fathers, and they have to explain to their small children why their sister doesn't like them anymore. Or their kids wonder if one day they'll be sent away if they can't behave. It's hard to explain to a 3 yr old. It's not cut and dry. I think some counseling needs to happen, because otherwise I just see an angry teen flitting from one house to another - and I suspect that she will be a woman who goes from man to man looking for what he can offer her and never really knowing how to have a healthy relationship. Further, whose children are the other 2? Yours? Or are they from a previous relationship and might decide to do the same thing?

My sks were not always the most fun people to be around, especially SD in the 14ish range. But they are good people now. I strongly urge all involved to not just look at what is easier or just what SD wants but what she needs and what is truly best. Because right now I see "good riddance, we won't have to pay for her" and I don't think it will be quite that simple.

IMO, one of the frustrating points of blended families is the lure of somewhere to run off to that looks greener vs having to face where you are. That's not a specific statement to your situation, but a lament in general. My SD wanted to live with BM and we had to evaluate all factors, even if it was not "easier" to have her stay with us. When I was a kid? I couldn't run any farther than Grandma who told me to stop being a brat and sent me home.

I agree with Liz that once the girl is living with dad full-time, she will find that dad's house is no longer her refuge and the place she can have fun; it will be home, with all the rules that home involves. She will be disillusioned very quickly and likely will be as dissatisfied there as she now is in your home. This kid has issues that probably cannot be solved by just moving to the place she now thinks will let her relax. I wonder if her bio dad sees that, or if he will let her rule the roost in his house until he wishes she would move out....

I am not going to offer any advice other than saying: All of you -- the girl, you and your husband, her bio dad -- ALL need to participate in some serious counseling before there are any such changes. The girl seems to be angry and lashing out; rather than letting her go as soon as you can, you need to have her get some real and effective counseling to deal with her anger, find out why she lashes out, help her learn to work THROUGH things rather than run AWAY from things. If you just let her go to bio dad's, you are just moving her problems to a new address. Truly, if you and your husband and the bio dad can all get along and be mature and cooperative about it, and put the focus on her and not on your own issues with her (she's mean, she's selfish, etc.), it would benefit her for the rest of her life if all the adults work as a team to get her counseling immediately and for long enough to really work on her anger and issues. You will need to do some work here -- finding the right counselor, ensuriing she can go enough times each week to really make a difference, getting her on board and making her go even when she is mean and fights you about it, etc.

She may indeed be much better off at bio dad's house, it's true. But meanwhile, you, your husband, her mom and bio dad should all work together to help her with her behavior and the reasons behind it. If the four adults cannot really meet without tension, find a familiy mediator of some sort to help you deal with this. She may need to move, but just moving won't help her with her bigger issues. Can you see past your anger with her to look toward her future, and how you can help it be a future with less anger and acting out? If you don't help her now, you will all lose the opportunity and she will spend her teen years possibly getting angrier and angrier.

I think this is something for your husband to consult with an attorney.
Seriously, it doesn't involve you AT all.

Maybe her problems come from everyone wanting to get rid of her. Part of growing up is dealing with the situation you are in, not running away from it. Sure Dad's house is fun on the weekend but will be the same rules she has now when she's at Dad's full time.

Maybe she should stay with him for a month before a permanent decision is made.

Well, fortunately this is not so easy! Your husband, like it or not, has made a commitment to this child when he adopted her 10 years ago. For all intends and purposes he is legally her father. For you to say that this has NOTHING to do with her age is ridiculous. It started 3 years ago when she was a tween and continues into her teenage years... this IS THE time in a kids life in which they challenge the status quo.

Ideally your husband, bio-dad, mom and 13 year old would participate in family counseling to establish everyone's role in the child's life.

You are right, this IS a complicated situation, but instead of tucking tail and running, I hope your DH decides to stand up for this girl and live up to the responsibility that he CHOSE 10 years ago - no matter how difficult it gets. Being a parent isn't always easy and sometimes our children would rather do without our help, advice or concern. But alas, we don't just get "divorced" from our biological children and there should be no reason this should be different for an adopted child. This girl has 2 father figures in her life that take an interest in her well being (I hope...) - great! Make it work!

If that is not an option you can always consult a lawyer. Adoption laws vary from state to state and can be very complicated.
Good luck!

I don't know if this is possible but here are my two cents.

This is obviously not the "normal" or "ideal" family situation. No doubt it is hard on her (and everyone else). Your hubby is her father...he has been her father shince she was a young age (guessing he was involved before he adopted her at age 3 so almost since birth). He has been her father in every way (except biology) and her biological father has given up his rights (had to in order for your hubby to adopt). This CHILD has had her real father give up on her and now the dad that chose her is now looking to do the same and she is testing her boundaries all over the place (which is what kids/teens do). She may feel that now that her father has remarried and he's not her bio-dad, that you may not want her there since she's "not really his". If your hubby gives up his rights and her father re-adopts her, will your hubby suddenly not be in her life at all? If so, how sad will that be for her and him?

Kids give their parents (bio, step, adopted.l..whatever, ...it's just the way it works) problems. What happens when bio-dad becomes "dad" again and has problems, does she just bounce to someone else?

I suspect this child needs counseling, maybe the whole family.

Sounds like a really complicated situation. 13 year olds, especially those from complicated home lives, tend to be really challenging. Here are my 2 cents, and I say it knowing that I am not suggesting an easy path: your husband is her father, bottom line. I doubt bio dad has any real ties to her given that he gave her up once. Also, I think you agreed to have her part of your family when you married a man who has a 13 yr old. As a result, I think you guys need to view her as your child regardless of how she acts. She is only 13. She is so young and has been massively failed by her bio
dad. These kinds of kids tend to push others away before they can get
rejected. I suggest love on her and tell your hubby to not give up on her. I say this as a stepmom. I know blended family life is far from easy.
Relationships can be hard to define but this girl needs her parents to hold
onto her whole story and not just see the pain in the arse 13 yr. She
needs parents who understand that she was abandoned at a young age, had multiple changes in her family structure over the years with divorces and remarriages. These kids tend to be lost and idolize bio parents, but as she gets older most likely she will see the whole story. Blessings!

I sounds like teen game playing. I recommend family counseling.

why dont you contact an attorney? If it were me, i would step back and let it happen.

I think that from all standpoints this relationship is over. Is the mom having your hubby pay child support? Then I would seriously void the adoption as fast as possible and make sure the child support is severed on the document as well.

I swear this is true even though I think it is totally illegal and wrong. I have a friend who is pretty young. He is mentally unable to manage his own finances and his mother is his payee on his SSDI. She gives him an amount of his money each month then she pays his bills for him. If there is money left over they usually decide he can have some extra spending money.

His SSDI check started being garnished last year for child support. If he owed it that would be a good thing for them to do.

When this child was an infant the mom wanted the new guy in her life to adopt the baby so my friend willingly terminated his parental rights. All these years he has not seen this child nor had any sort of relationship with the new family or the child. He got a letter stating he was going to have this garnishment for back child support and current child support and it would start...I think it was last February. Anyway he went to the child support enforcement and told them he has signed away his parental rights and that the new hubby had adopted the child. That they had raised this child and he didn't even know them anymore.

The adoptive mom and dad divorced and since he had not had any sort of child support thing put in the decree his parental obligation for support was never addressed. That's stupid in my mind. He gave this child up to be adopted and now, 14-15 years later this mom is going after him for back child support and current child support.

That is wrong on so many levels. He is not the legal parent of this child nor is he morally this child's parent. He gave this child up for adoption when it was an infant. So to me the new adoptive dad is the dad of record and should pay child support. But he isn't, my friend still has that garnishment on his monthly check.

So make sure your hubby does address the child support issue in this instance. Although he has loved this child and cared for them if he legally is not their dad and they do not want him to be part of their life he should not have that financial obligation anymore.

I do agree that a teen should not have much input in this overall but if she is not willing to at least give him a chance to be her dad he needs to let it go. Letting her know he will do this if it is really really what she wants although it is NOT what he wants then he will do it for her.

Is he just not wanting to pay child support for her anymore?