Separation Anxiety - Newburgh, NY

Couple of quick things I want to mention. I'm in a bit of a rush and I am a therapist so it may be all a bit technical but look up the terms/theories to educate yourself on it further and it will help guide your intervention.

Seperation anxiety has a basis in a couple things. For one, your daughter needs to feel secure that her needs can be met by more than just mom. Work her into it by being present while other people provide her with food, etc. For two, at this point it has probably moved beyond that and it's really about Object Permanency. This has to do with her being able to retain an image of something beyond its disappearance. This is why Peek-A-Boo and the whole baby dropping an object to see you pick it up game is important. But again, she's a bit older now. Maybe hide-n-seek.. maybe with objects like fav toys then mommy, brother, etc. Can't really think it all through now but if you understand the basis, you might get creative on how you continue to address this need for her. Also of course you can give her a transitional object. Lots of verbal reassurance. You can use her age to an advantage and give her a digital watch (if she can't read a clock yet) or a timer that you set for when you'll be back. And she will need to learn self-soothing techniques to manage her anxiety. It is definitely important that you have her in therapy but I do suggest that you continue to look for ways you can work in conjunction by trying some interventions yourself.

Let me know if you need more suggestions to get you going.. gotta run, good luck! -N.

At that age, I would worry that something had happened to her while she was seperated from you, since she is well past the point of being able to know that you will be back. Younger children haven't yet realized that, which creates seperation anxiety in them. It might be good if you could get some professional advice on how to talk to her, get her to open up about what is really bothering her, and why she is anxious when you are not there, maybe to protect her from something or someone that she does not feel comfortable with?

hi M.;

i wanted to reiterate what the mom said about others giving her food or other things that can concretely show her they can take care of her. perhaps you could arrange something informal but regular that could be a kind of limbo, i'm thinking like this;

is there a grandma, aunt, close friend of yours she already knows, with whom you could bring your duaghter to have say, lunch or a late morning snack at least once a week; you are all together in the kitchen, and at the snack time, let the other woman prepare the snack and subtly take over the conversation, then you just say you have to go to the bathroom, and sit in there for ten minutes. do that two or three visits. then the 4th visit or so, say, oh i have to go to the store, Aunty Sally (or whomever) will have lunch with you and i'll be right back; be gone for 20 mintues. but ONLY 20, to start.... etc etc., until you can leave here there for an hour or 90 minutes.

then you would have a reference point, if you wanted to take her to a drop off class, you could try a Mommy and Me class first, and then move on to a Me Without Mommy class, and be able to say, This will be just like when you have lunch with Aunty Sally and i go to the store for a bit and come back, only now you'll have more fun with other children.

but don't really go far, and tell the teacher to call you on your cell right away if she freaks. and then you come right back.

as just another mom who has gone through a long, gentle, slow separation from my son, who now goes to school 4 days a week for 6 hrs and he's 3 yrs old, i would say, slow and gentle, take it very easy. i think the older they get the harder these challenges are to undo. you don't want to compound her existing anxiety with more total panic if you disappear, right? so think of close friends who can help and slow ways to allow her extending periods of time to trust others.

she'll get there and so will you!

J.

hi! my youngest, who is now 16 yrs old had SEVERE separation anxiety! It's usually more common in boys in boys than girls!
Is she in a public school enviroment??? My bet is she needs a smaller class size!alot more one on one!

First, what is play therapy? Is she getting anxious when she goes there? Are there kids in the neighborhood? I have a large age difference between my kids as well. Would your older son be willing to help out with this? My little guy usually follows his brother's que. I only enlist my older one when I have exhausted all other techniques for something. It usually boils down to "I want to be like Joey, so I'll do it"

I feel for you and undesrtand exactly how you must be feeling... I have 10 year old girl who has suffer from it since she was 3. My work with her statrted at home...Professional therapy? Yes, but once a week to my opinion, it was not enough. A parent I knew, who went through a major case of anxiety with her son, gave tons of information, including nemes of books that really helped me understand the reasons behind her anxiety. When I started to read about it, it was like the books were describing my daughter but I felt better knowing I was going to be able to help her. Things got better and even though sometimes I see it coming, I know what to do. And the most important thing... My daughter knows what to do as well.
Usually this is trigger by something. At your daughter's age is difficult to know exactly what. It was for me.
You don't mention a specific of when she suffers the attack, but by not forcing her, (for now, to face her fears) I think you'll be helping her. Don't pressure her to say Hi! or to play with others..... She still young and doesn't understand what is happening.
I felt alone when this stared to happend to my daughter. Everybody though of my daughter as a misfit, including her preschool teachers, even a doctor said to me that I was doing something that made her feel that way. A lot of people don't really relate to this and don't know nor have a clue and think of this as "a stage". For some it could be, but for other is is not. This is a serious matter, that could escalate with time, so you are in the right path by taking her to therapy and trying toeducate youlself about it.
I know it can be very frustrating at times, specially when you see other kids acting "normal" and make you feel that your child is not. But don't dispear. Things will get better. I have a wonderful child who is very mature, very cautios, loves to help others and she's loved and embraced by everybody at school and where ever she goes. And I'm so happy that I was able to help her. Our relatioship it's great. She is not afraid to come to me and talk about things. She even brings her friends to talk to me...
You can email me if you want the name of some books that can help you deal with this. They helped us.

Jess

Try reading to her What to do when You're scared and Worried by James Crist and do the exercises together, they can help. You could also read Freeing Your Child from Anxiety by Tamar Chansky. There are also these meditation CD's called Indigo Dreams aimed at kids. I can relate, I have some anxiety, so does my dtr(10), my neice(10) and I am beginning to see it in my son(4). All of the tools in these can be useful at one point or another, but I find that what works one time, might not work the next and we try something new. Then maybe another time the first strategy will work again. I would keep her in the play therapy as long as you need to. My dtr was in therapy(at ages 6-7) for awhile and it helped, if she regresses I would do it again. My niece has been in therapy for 5 years and now is also on meds, but it has helped her so much it's nice to see her happy again. So if things gets worse, you know there are options. Hang in there, having a mom like you who cares enough to help is great for your dtr.

Hi,

Play therapy is a great adjunct to the work you can do at home with her. The critical issue in raising a child with separation anxiety is allowing her opportunity to build social skills, confidence, and trust without pushing too hard and creating extreme fear. I would encourage you to keep her involved in activities with other children at least three to four times a week. Formal activities, going to parks, play groups, etc... Stay for these as she develops comfort and her anxiety level begins to decrease. At this point (and after consulting with her therapist), try an activity where she is alone for a half hour to an hour. This could be a class or playdate as long as the adult in charge understands she struggles with anxiety and will need reassurance along the way. And if she is making attempts, reward her by allowing her to choose activities, invite new friends over, or whatever small rewards she will enjoy. Bibliotexts also work well for kids. Your therapist will probably be able to recommend some good books about children who have learned ways of dealing with their anxiety. Some children tend to have more anxious temperments than others. It is important to to make sure that there is nothing in her environment (trauma) that has occured to create this anxiety, however the majority of kids who struggle with separation anxiety have not experienced trauma. If she has demonstrated other behavioral changes or starts to in the future this may indicate history of trauma or something ongoing that she is not talking about.
Good luck!

Hi M.,

I just moved from California, I don't have much advice about separation anxiety, except I suffered from it as a child myself. I do however, have an 18 year old and younger children, live in Morristown and I'm a stay at home mom. I am will to talk to you sometime about how the anxiety affected me growing up.

Christine

Dear M. O,

Your little one is reacting normally. You are not. Your little one need family care only, not an outsider imposing their value on your child. Your child will adjust as you continue to work with her by going some time with her will help her adjust to being away from you and the family. Each child have their owne way of growing up and adjusting to life growth. It is upsetting to know that you are spending money on-necessary and this can become a pattern for the rest of this dear child's life as there are people out in the world that is just ready and waiting to take your money.

I trust that you pray with your family and use God's direction and not man/woman waiting to take your money.

A.