Screaming Toddler Dragged from Mom Daily. Is This OK?

I know several people have mentioned finding out whether or not you can go with him or stay, but most teachers and daycare workers will tell you the best thing you can do is have a very short goodbye routine and go. I had so much trouble doing that when my then 3 year old started preschool and Sunday School, but the teachers/directors all said the same thing. He's fine once I leave, and he actually very happy.

I would create a short routine. Hugs and kisses, Mommy loves you, I'll see you later (or after lunch or after nap), bye and go.

I would either stay with my child or learn how to do this at home with him myself. There is no way I would leave my young child like this. You do have rights and options. Even if you are the only parent who stays, stay anyway. Even if they push back, stay anyway. I also never let my children go to the back room at the dentist without me. I follow along. I hear them tell other parents that they can't go back, but they never say a word to me. I suppose they know that I am serious about it and won't take no for an answer. :)

I would suggest that you hand him over instead of letting them take him. It changes the situation and may work, he may accept you giving him instead of him being taken away.

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Poor baby and poor you. I know it must be SO hard to leave him like that. My only thought was - can you attend his speech class? Maybe he needs a lovey or something to hold while you're gone - a keychain with your picture on it that he can wear on a chain around his neck?

And I know you are doing speech, but have you considered sign language also?

I think it depends - does he cry all day or for an hour or for ten minutes??? if he is ok after a short time then it is NOT damaging him. My daughter who was extremely verbal CRIED hysterically every morning for TWO YEARS of preschool. I had to go to work (or go on welfare) and she had to stay all day five days a week. but she was fine after a few minutes. Many children are like that and teachers know how to handle them, usually the faster you leave the faster the child gets better! and many children cry for hours for the first week or so and the they start loving school! It's SO MUCH harder on the parent than the child!

Aww....poor little guy! Is it an all day pre-school or just mornings?
I know it is hard, but your heart is in the right place and you are getting the help he needs. Short of paying for private, in-home intensive therapy, I don't think you have many options but to send him. :-(
It's a positive sign that he's OK once you're gone.

Ask if you can stay.

I don't believe in sneaking out without the child knowing it. Maybe you could walk him to his classroom and say goodbye there (if you can't stay)?

The "five days a week or nothing" doesn't make sense to me. You'd think they would be happy to have him for 4 days as opposed to 3, 3 as opposed to zero, etc.

Since this has carried over into any activity where you are not present (was he OK at those activities before?) this might be something to point out to the speech teachers when you make your request to stay.

Good luck

K. Z.

he could just be having seperation anxiety starting something new being away from mom...can be scary at 3

What is your drop-off routine?

From your question, it sounds like he is being "taken" into the class as opposed to walking into the class with you. I think this makes a BIG difference. He will cry when you leave the room, and someone may have to hold and snuggle him to help him adjust, but it's better to bring him to the destination and then go as opposed to having them "take" him from you.

If he's doing it 5 days a week, he will get used to it relatively quickly. My son didn't start daycare till he was almost 3. He cried every time I left him at daycare, but gradually got better. Now he runs into the daycare cause it's fun. The challenge may be that it's not fun because he is learning things and "working" vs. just playing, etc. Hope that helps a little.

he's fine if you react and want to go to him than it makes it worse. He is having dificulty with seperation from you and most kids do. Once he is away hes fine. I wouldn't worry hes fine its a lesson he needs to learn and he will come around. Plus the hard part for you is he uses u for security because he can't be understood. U might be the only one who gets him so he has a stronger bond. Also hes a boy there usually closer to moms than dads. If dad can take him that might help. See if your hubbie can take him once in a while instead of you. See if he does it with dad. He probably won't he only does it with you because he knows it bothers u. Sorry to be mean but its the truth. Your getting the help for him and feel blessed for that. Because in Utica community schools there taking the speech program and making it only be a speech pathologist work with them instead of having 5 speech and other areas of help given to these kids. my daughter is going through the same thing your son is. If you have more ? You can contact me through the site if you want. Take care and best of luck.

My son too, had severe articulation errors that I did not address till he was 4ish; I had him tested at the local ISD and he qualified for speech services. But we were able to bring him to the local elementary school 2x a week where the speech therapist worked one on one with him; it was amazing how quickly he made progress. My son was shy too - much because others could not understand him. The speech room had glass windows and he could see me sitting outside the room while she worked with him. She made it fun with games and things and she also gave us a "home program" that we also did.

I would ask what your options are. Can you bring him to see the elementary school speech therapist? Can he just attend the preschool 2 or 3 days per week. There is very little "absolute". Even if he is signed up for 5 days per week, could you tell them he is only coming on Tues/Thurs?

Just ideas. I have learned as I mature, to ask for what I need. If you never ask, the answer is always going to be no. You are the expert with your child.

This must be very hard on you. At my child care center the longest it lasted was aobut a month. That was WAY, WAY, longer than anyone else.

That mom just would not leave! She would stay, trying to comfort and reassure her child...her child would cry and cry and cry, begging her not to leave her.

I would tell the mom, she stops crying by the time you get to your car, she sees it as a control on you, (Her child was older than yours and able to manipulate). One day the mom jsut said "I love you! I'll see you later!" and she left. By the end of the week the child was running into the classroom and did not cry again.

There will be a turning point and your child will just forget to cry and go in and start playing.

If he's fine once he's in there, then it's fine. He's learning that sometimes you leave and then come back. It will help him gain trust. Also, kids benefit from time with other people besides their parents. It gives you a much needed break too.

Kids often cry only for the benefit of their parents. Sometimes it's hard for us to do what's right for our kids. It would not be fair for you to take him out of a beneficial program so it's easier for you! Stick with it. You'll both be ok!

Is this the only time he cries like this? If he tantrums at other times, discipline will make it stop and a warning will apply for school as well. Part of the hard first daycare years is to prepare kids for how to behave for school-including when mom leaves. 3 isn't too young, my kids start at 3.

My friend's son screams like this if she tries to put him in any classes, swimming lessons, gym daycare, preschool, but he screams whenever he doesn't want to do something, and she's never discipline him, just ignored him and left places if he freaks out, so of course when he wants to leave a place he freaks out.

If it's the ONLY time he does it, and you feel you shouldn't discipline it, and it stops after you leave, sounds like he has to get tired of it on his own, and he will eventually. What does he get when he cries? Al little extra hugs and attention? Try to do less if you're somehow rewarding this or dragging it out. A nice confident cheery good bye and leave. I've heard my daughter's daycare teacher coach parents to "Just leave please" in different creative ways when the kids are crying every day and they stick around comforting them, because the kids always stop the second the parent is out the door.

If you feel you can discipline him, I would use a combination of, "If you scream for school x (negative consequence) will happen" and follow through (must be something immediate-he's too young to have it happen after school and make the connection) and also have an "if you go nicely today, we'll have fun at the park after" etc. Just the reward scenario alone won't work though if there is no down side to the wrong action.

It seems there has to be a way for you to do this therapy yourself-it seems odd they can MAKE people take kids to certain places...but honestly, if speech is his only issue, you are doing the right thing by getting him this help and it won't hurt him to learn the routine and get socialized while he's at it. The crying wont' damage him, and the learning to overcome the fear will be a good skill for him. Good work doing it and Good luck!

It seems like a no win situation. I am very against sending kids to preschool period. However he does need speech therapy. I'm assuming hiring a speech pathologist would be too expensive. So I'd figure out a way to bring baby and stay. Can you bring toys for baby to play quietly with in the corner? Or do they not allow you to stay? If they don't allow you to stay I'd throw a fit. Figure out how to arrange your schedule so that you can be there for him. He's just 3, and this is a very important developmental stage for him, adding abandonment issues to the mix is going to be tough for everyone.

Best wishes!

be patient he will get use to going. try giving him a picture of you or something of yours to look at when he misses you. reassure him you will return. check into volunteering in the classroom

both of my kids did this at this age it will pass. I was allowed to sit in during speech therapy and you should be able to also because it will teach you how to teach him. also I second the sign language. I wish I had done it with my oldest and am doing it with my youngest.

I know this is so late but let me just say when my brother was a toddler and he freaked out and screamed about being at the babysitter's it was because he was being locked in a closet.

He probably has a tantrum/screaming b/c he doesn't know how else to express himself. If he has a hard time expressing himself with words (which is why he needs speech therapy), crying and screaming is his form of expression. I'm sure he has a little anxiety over being left without you if he hasn't been away from you in the past. It's difficult but remember you are leaving him in safe, capable hands that are preparing him to be a more independent little man!!! You are doing it for his good...
I wouldn't recommend staying in the classroom...b/c he will likely "cling" to you and the idea that you are there. Plus, the therapists need his full attention in order to improve his speech. They are helping him!!
I would recommend getting some books to read to him at bedtime about starting school. There are a ton of great ones from scholastic. Read to him about feeling anxious so he doesn't get upset when he feels this way. Also, the reward system is a great idea. I wouldn't recommend a punishment b/c he will associate the therapy with punishment at this point.
Lastly, I would ask the therapists for advice. I am certain this isn't the first time they have seen this happen. I'm sure they can offer some easy things to do. Good Luck to you!!!

My son is also three and attending preschool, although it is only 2 days a week. I'm a SAHM so I'm with him all the time. He did a brief stint at daycare when I had to train for a job and he cried to the point of gagging himself and almost tossing his cookies everyday for about 7 days and then finally was at ease. He was about 18 months then. So, naturally, I was worried about how he would do at preschool. The first day was exactly as I imagined. He was clingy and cried. But my preschool offers a drop-off. I pull up to the curb and they come out and help him out of the car and walk him into the building. He did that the second day with some hesitation, but since then he has done wonderfully. It gives them a sense of independence and that the preschool is their place. I am dreading the day that I bring the snack because I know that he is a total momma's boy and behaves differently when I am there.

I know that was more of a story than advice, but if he just started the preschool, it may take a couple of weeks of adjustment. If not he may be reading into your emotions too. I would talk to him before you leave the house and tell him how excited, happy, etc. you are that he gets to go to preschool. And if your school offers the drop-off, I would do it.

My heart breaks for both of you, J.. Would they let you stay for awhile and would that solve things or just prolong the agony? Can he have an item to comfort him during the transition that you can explain to him and kiss it for him before you leave? If he calms down pretty quickly, he's probably not being truly damaged. It sounds like he needs the therapy and, unless you can afford private speech therapy, this is the only option. Think the districts should provide something that isn't this frequent but you can't do anything about that right now. You could wait a year but consequences socially might not be worth it, although the speech folks could tell you if another year of development w/o this program would help or hurt. If he's just lagging in this area, it may improve by next year if you can be given some exercises to do with him at home meantime. You could consult an outside speech pathologist for advice and prices on doing this on your own. Hope this works out.

When I worked and had to take my daughter to daycare, she had rough mornings sometimes. It was so hard to leave her on those days. We started something that worked pretty well. I would put lipstick on in the car just before we got out. When I walked her to her classroom, I would plant a kiss on her cheek or forehead. I showed it to her in the mirror. I told her that whenever she missed me and felt sad she could just touch it and it would be a kiss from me to remind her that I loved her and would see her later that day. It worked out pretty good for us.

And if she had a good morning, I would give her a little sticker from one of those books at the dollar store that has like 1000 little stickers. And we'd share the fun with any friends who were there, also. That always put a smile on her face.

Keep him in special ed. Both of my boys did special ed preschool for 2 years and we know it is why they are doing ok in typical kindergarten.

I think you should talk to the therapists and see if they will allow you to walk him into the class and sit with him for a short period. If you do this, and slowly back away as he becomes engrossed in the therapy, you should be able to leave the room a little more quickly each day.

EX:

Day 1: Go into the class with him. Sit just out of reach. When he starts to lose track of you being there scoot a bit further away, closer to the door. Keep moving a little further away every 5 minutes or so till you leave the room (when he is fully engrossed and has lost track of you).

Repeat this each day till your time interval allows you to walk him into the room, sit him down and leave.

This will allow him to find security in the situation without feeling abandoned by you.

Also- you should talk with the therapist when you pick him up so that you can talk to him about the therapy and make sure you praise him for the gains he's making, and let him know you are proud of him. Help him find positive associations about the therapy- ie- "it's so nice that you get to go and have special play time with _______ each day!" or "the projects you get to work on seem so fun!" ------- bring attention to, and reinforce the positive aspects of what he is doing each day/week. You can also ask the therapist to help build in some positive things for him to anticipate with the therapy. This will really help re-model his anxiety in anticipation.

Good luck-

You have so many answers and such conflicting advice I hate to add to it but I really need to add this. I know it is hard but a quick good-bye is best if he really is ok once you leave. I work for a local school district and know in most you cannot stay just because your child is haveing a rough time at first. Think of it this way there are 12 to 15 children in the class if every parent stayed then now you have about 30 people and the teachers would not be able to teach any of the children anything. They would be too distraced with the adults. I do know it is hard to see your child this way but be assured thay his teachers know how to handle this and do not just let him sit there and cry, they do care very much.

I worked in our local special ed class rooms and they would have an open play gtime while everyone would get situated and ready before class time started... have you tryed staying just a few moments to get him involved with an activity before leaving. if he is focused on an activity maybe he wont relize your leaving.

Also you should talk to him about going to school and let him know he is a big kid and going to school... make it a fun thing. Have you expresssed your concerns to the teacher in the room? Maybe they have some ideas... good luck kids can be very stubborn!

It helped my daughter when I gave her something special to wear or hold in her pocket. So everyday I had her wear a neclace or a special small toy in her pocket. I told her everytime she missed me she could touch the necklace or small object and know that I'd be back soon, and that I loved her very much.
We also used the quick release method. There are 4 teachers at her preschool, so when I got there one very loving teacher would come over as soon as she saw us and give my daughter a big hug and walk away with her. It wasn't till a couple months later that I finally got to start saying good-bye.
Good luck, it's so heart wrenching.