Separated from Husband

Have you changed? Untill you love him, not just being a family, don't mistake one for the other. Husband and wife should love each other enough to go through the ups and downs. He deserves someone who loves him.

Hi, M.:

Thanks for inviting help to clear your mind about what is happening with your feelings.

Life is about family. This is why people get married: To procreate.

One of the main problems I see in many people is co-dependency.
Each person trying to control each other to get needs met.

Have you determined what it is you need from your husband now that you have been separated for 7 months?

If you have, then sit down with him and tell him what you need from him.

Ask him, what he needs from you.

All anyone needs is to be loved.

Many people don't know how to ask for what they need and
don't know how to stop trying to control the other person to have
their needs met.

I suggest you look for a co-dependency support group
in your area and attend the meetings on a weekly basis.
In this way, you can learn to be your own person and learn
to ask for what you need instead of trying to control.

Good luck.
D.

I guess I would see this as, if you really thought your marriage was over, tried everything to save it, then you wouldn't be feeling like this. When I divorced, I tried everything to make it work. He didn't. So came the day that I KNEW I could not spend one more second with him so I called my mom to keep the kids overnight and I kicked him out. DONE. That was 2 days after Christmas. And I immediately filed for divorce, there was no "separation". So I guess maybe think long and hard if your "issues" could be worked out and if you BOTH are willing to try then do it. Otherwise, move on. It's too hard on the kids to think there is a chance you will be back together. Lots of us have been through it and are happier for it and have better lives. Good luck.

Firsts are going to be hard. Try to do something that starts a new tradition, even if it's small.

People can be good parents but incompatible partners. You and he need to determine if you just long for the generic family or if you long for your "old" family. And best not to make that choice around the holidays, IMO.

My guess would be that it's just the time of year. Hang in there and see how you feel after the holidays are over. The first time through a holiday season after a dramatic change is the hardest. You may find that the reality of doing this for the rest of your life isn't what you want and that there maybe is a reason to try reconciliation. Or you may find that after the sentimentality of the season has passed - with its relentless barrage of depictions of happy families in music, TV, movies, etc. - that you did just fine and your new normal is better than all that fighting.

Also remember what the holidays really were like when you were together. Were you able to relax and enjoy this season? Or was there always a dark cloud of tension and squabbling hanging in the air that you had to try to ignore?

Only you can answer this question. Are you missing him or the man you thought or wanted him to be?

Sometimes separation does make the heart grow fonder. :)
I don't know what your issues are/were or if they can be worked out.
Can they?
You say you don't miss him. Do still you have any feelings for him?
Sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

The most trying times in a marriage is when there are young children.

I hope you can honestly say in your heart and to your children when they get older that you put your best effort and did EVERYTHING possible to save the marriage.

You say he's a good father and helps YOU with the kids, sounds like half the battle of a decent marriage.

Best wishes this holiday season

The time of the year may weigh heavy on your heart. Have you and your husband been to counseling to see if you can resolve some of the issues that lead to your separation? If not, that would be the best step for your and your family. Good luck!

Separation means you're not divorced, it means you're not sure it's over and that working things out is still an option.

It's time to have that talk. Is it time to date hubby and see where it goes from there? Is it time to address taking the next step in making the separation legally final?

Separation is a time for distance, getting your head on straight, finding out if they are missed and still wanted, and more. Sounds like it's time to visit with him to see what he wants to do.

I suggest that you get counseling. Both individually and with your husband.

print this and hand it to him-see how he responds-then you'll have your answer.