I Just Need to Draw on You Moms' Strength, AGAIN!

The best advice I can give you is to start making your life more about you. At one point, I would have considered this borderline selfish. Now, I realize that us moms and wives need to do this more, and that it was silly of my to think it was a selfish need.

Do more things on your own. Build relationships, strong ones, with people other than your husband. Find something that you love. Yoga, lunch with friends, a speaker you go see, a play, something to do alone or with someone OTHER THAN your husband. You will start to lessen that need for him, and his need for you will grow. This cannot be a one-time thing. Make it regular.

You will find that once you start becoming more independent, your rage at yourself will lessen because for some reason, he isn't affecting you as much! You don't *need* him N.. No one needs anyone. We create these thoughts in our head that we cannot live without the other person. Completely untrue.

Kids will eventually leave the house....you may or may not get a divorce. In the end, there is you. Make you happy. In the end, everything else will work out.

I also want you to realize how many marriages that attend marriage counseling still fail. I am not trying to discourage you - I am trying to make a realistic point. Many people have this idea about counseling - that if you go and really really work at the marriage, it will work, right? Not always true. This is not to say you shouldn't keep trying. But don't set yourself up for unrealistic expectations.

Most couples I know who attended counseling still had the same problems thoughout counseling (some were able to deal better) and even more so after counseling ended. In the end, you have to decide whether you can live with what is being dealt.

I wish you the best, as always.

Give it some time - you cannot expect to change over night. You said that he is going to counseling by himself and you guys are going as a couple, but are you also going to a counslor by yourself? I think that would be very beneficial for you. Hang in there, pray and ask God for guidance, and to give you peace in your heart, and to help you deal with the things that are coming about. You are right that things are going to come your way right now. The devil does NOT want your marriage to succeed. You need to fight harder than he does. Keep praying, keep believing, DON'T give up!!

I think you hit the nail on the head. You both got saved and now more demons are coming out. That's kind of the deal. It's called spiritual warfare. You are in a battle for your marriage and for your souls . I know I sound like a preacher right now, but just do some research on spiritual warfare. When you try to get right, so much gets thrown at you to try and kjeep you from it.
The changes you are making are wonderful, but they are not quick fixes. My best advice to you, overall, is to keep at it. Don't give up. Don't expect a total transformation in one weekend. You want to "fix it" and I'm not sure a man wants to be fixed. I think it's going to be more of a growing process over time, than a deal where you can identify a problem and solve it. I commend the many ways you are attempting to solve it, but you have to give them time to work.

So far as your rage, I reccomend the book "The Anger Habit in Relationships." It teaches you that your rage is a control mechanism. You're trying to intimidate him into doing what you want. It gives some soul searching excercises to identify your triggers and ways to avoid them. I'm not judging. I have a wicked, mean tongue. I can cut my man with my words and it hurts worse than a fist. I'm just sharing with you what I've had to learn the hard way. The next time you are angry, walk away and go somewhere alone and journal. Free wright all that comes out without editing. Once you are calmer and feel more rational, go back and read it. Look for the actual thing you are mad about. You have to be honest with yourself. Not this "he makes me so mad" thing. That's the 1st thing that comes out of an abusive mans mouth - "I hate that I let you make me so angry." That's a cop-out. Noone can MAKE you anything. There is a core reason for your anger. 'He isnt trying as hard as me or he doesnt care or he doesnt love me enough, or he makes me i see something in myself that i hate.' or whatever it is, you have to get to the heart of the matter and deal with it directly. Because truthfully, if he weren't around, you would still have rage. SO, you can't just put it on him. In my relationship, it all comes down to my mans insecurity. He gets enraged with me when I shine a light on his faults or when he's ashamed of his behavior. He says he feels controlled or manipulated, when noone is attempting to do that at all. It's his own insecurities and he has to deal with them. There's nothing I can do or say to make him more secure. I had to realize that and leave him to his anger. I had to realize it's directed at me, but I am not the cause of it. Similarly, you have to understand that he is hitting a hot button with you, but it's your button. It's something in you and only you can work on that part.

Perhaps the Devil is seeing that you two are working hard to make your marriage work and leaning on Christ and he's trying everything he can to break you down and have you give up on your new-found-faith. Don't let him do it!

Have you tried journaling? Sometimes writing it all down and getting it out of your mind/body helps you not get so enraged.

We're here for ya.

Describe what you think co-dependency is... because many of his choices and actions DO affect you and your family - so things like that are not rage and co-dependency, but an actual issue.

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oooh N.....I don't know how to help you!! I'm sorry - I just want you to know that you are not alone!!!

HUGS TO YOU!!!