Self Help for Teen's Self Esteem

Read, "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens Will Talk." This is a book for you, not him.

And, for Dad, "Wild at Heart," by John Elderedge.

He doesn't need a self help book, he needs the loving and confident guidance of his parents.

It's fairly normal at that age, as long as it doesn't get too extreme. The best remedy for low self-esteem is achievement. Is there a sport or activity he loves? I taught middle school theater for years, and surprisingly, kids who are kind of shy and introspective often do well in theater. If he's agreeable to it, encourage him to join a school or community drama class.

Every kid goes through an awkward stage at some time or another.
Ever look back at your middle school year book?
Perhaps you can go through your old yearbook with your son.
There's not much you can do - he'll out grow it sooner or later - BUT shower the kid with praise and love.
There are times when a teen NEEDS a little extra love.
Tell him what a great young man he's turning out to be and he makes you so proud!

Great answers below, and good resources. I just want to remind you that you have another good resource: His school counselor. I hope the school has a good one. If the talks and books below don't seem to dent his tendency to question himself to this degree, consider going in yourself, first, to talk with the counselor about it, and possibly see if the counselor wants to talk to him, maybe even a few times. At your son's age, the counselor likely would do well to have a "lunch in my office" kind of thing rather than a formal "counseling session." If there's a counselor with whom your son might get along well, that really helps.

It's pretty normal for kids this age to be critical of themselves and to pick at what they did and should have done; however, if he is being super-perfectionist about everything that's a red flag that this might really need someone like a counselor. Is he questioning himself over not only schoolwork but also his outside activities (does he nitpick at himself over how he played in a sport, or how he did at some activity in Scouts or whatever?) or in friendships (does he worry that old friends don't like him anymore, or maybe does he seem to want to distance himself suddenly from friends)? If he's doing it in all aspects of life, yes, you and your husband should get some backup and definitely read up on how to handle a perfectionist teen. This may mostly pass, but keep an eye on whether he beats himself up over things too much.

I had a doctor tell me once that if I made what I thought was the best decision I could make at the time, then it was the right decision. Remind him he's smart and kind and making the best choices he can at his age. Maybe talk about the situation and find things about the choices he made that are good and if you see something he could have done better, compliment him on seeing the bigger picture. If he's having an unusual amount of anxiety about it, maybe ask if he would like to talk to a counselor who can help him develop strategies to deal with his anxiety and gain confidence (and remind him that everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes...). Learning these skills was extremely helpful for a couple of my kids. Good luck.

It is normal, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
Let him recap what he did and decide for himself if he could have/should have done something differently, and plan for the next time.

When he comes home & says something like that, tell him "there's no need to
question each decision you make or each play you make in a sport because you're very smart n make good decisions."

Build him up every single chance you get.

Tell him how smart he is.

Complment him on a his good decisions each & every time....at that time.

You can even say "You know how smart you are, right? Don't be so hard on
yourself

Look into counselingfor him. Start w/the school counsor first but don't stop
there. Also look outside of school (ex. your heath insurance etc.).

Watch for signs of depression, withdrawing from friends, your immediate
family etc.

I would just say something like "now why do you think that wasn't the right decision or move?" and let him talk. And then just support his decision that he made.

If it was in fact not the best choice, discuss why he feels that way, and I would only offer your thoughts if he is interested in them. Sometimes kids just like to reflect on things - especially kids who tend to be more introverted, etc. Or at least in this house that's how it goes.

I think as they get into the teen years social dynamics and situations get a bit more complex and some kids are thinkers. Some like to talk things out - and I think just listening (as you are doing) may be all he needs. I tend to hang out in my teens' rooms at night for a few minutes, and typically a question will crop up about how to handle something every other night or so.

If it is excessive self doubt though - and he doesn't know how to handle situations- role playing, etc. can be helpful. Depending on what he has problems with just giving him more opportunities to practice his skills can help :) Good luck

I would tell him there is no right or wrong way to do most activities and that is the beauty in life. Everyone is different and if everyone did everything the same the world would be a very boring place. His job is to just be himself and to try his best to be a good person and to develope a strong core sense of self.

Hi M.,

I'm in agreement with the other posts. He's developing his ability to have insight into himself and his choices and that is completely age appropriate. Along with development of insight comes development of empathy, another very important factor in moving through the world.

I would say make sure you keep the communication as open as possible. Reassure him that he can talk to you about ANYTHING without judgement or recrimination. Reassure him that everyone needs to review events in their days and examine them. Tell him that by doing that by talking with you about them, what my parents would call "debriefing" is a very valuable thing. And that you are a safe place for him to do it. If you feel an opening then make a suggestion. Another tack is to ask open questions like "have you thought about it this (fill in the this blank) way?

Obviously, if you see this having a major impact in his functioning, such as him not attending parties or events, or withdrawing from his friends and school and such, you might need to intervene a little more intensely. Too much of anything can become a bad thing. Look for signs of depression and/or anxiety and call in a professional if you feel it's warranted.

These years are at least, if not more challenging, than the toddler years. They are growing just as quickly body, mind and soul. Try to love him through this phase and use these experiences with him to empirically prove he is worthy of love and support. And when he goes through this with his kids, he'll have your example to look back on for guidance.

thoughts to you and yours, S.

Hello
what's helped my son is to try and get him involved in more things. For example, this summer, for the first time, he joined sports camp. Normally, he just goes for a month of academics, but this year, he agreed to do sports.. One week, was lacrosse, 2nd, frisbee and third, rugby.. turns out.. he LIKED all three.. but more importantly, just in about a month's time, he gained more confidence to go ahead and try out for a sport when he goes to 9th grade this year, which in his case, will be Lacrosse. Previously, although he would play at recess, he wasn't much into team sports... so nudging him into a sports this summer turned out to be a good idea. Also, if you can find something that doesn't require a long commitment, it's helpful.. in my son's case, each sport was only for a week, which gave my son a chance to see IF he liked it and if he didn't, he knew he only had to stay in it for a week..
additionally, recently, he went to yoga class with my husband and another friend, in this case, he liked the teacher a lot and now, he has gone several times..
basically, I would just kinda gently nudge your son into trying new things..
no pressure.. and just keep letting him know he is doing just fine..