Seeking Validation on My Decision(s)...

Updated on January 15, 2007
M.K. asks from Woodstock, GA
4 answers

Ok, hate to involve all you mommies but I have yet again reached a breaking point w/ my ex-husband and need some validation and/or suggestions, badly!!!

Situation - My daughter goes to daycare, the sniffles have been going around her school, she has had a (clear) runny noise this week yet no fever and her demeanor has been normal the use happy self. Her teachers were advised to call me the second she showed any discomfort and/or signs of anything and I would leave work and come get her. I am a single mother (w/ primary custody) who works full time and has minimual personal/sick/vacation days left. Even though I felt HORRIBLE taking her to daycare when she was not 100% the teachers assured me that she was fine and there were other children in her situation as well.
I had advised her father Tuesday this week (via email) that Reese was "starting" to get sick and since it was his weekend coming up (started last night) for him to keep me abreast of her well being and call if a fever should appear.
After calling x2 last night and x3 times this morning to no avil and then finding out she was not in daycare today, I called again and he not only verbally assaulted me (one of the BIGGEST reasons I left him) he called me a "F- -king unfit mother" b/c when he picked her up from daycare yesterday she (supposidly) had a fever and b/c I had not taken her to the doctor and was not w/ her when she was sick!!! So I took the higher road and did not respond to that and instead asked to talk to Reese; he replied that he was not with her, he was at work. (Hello....double standards?!?!?). So then I asked where/who she was with and he would not disclose that information; I was told that when he got home after "wrapping things up at work" he'd call me for her. And FYI - I called daycare and spoke to the director, who in turned asked the teachers while I was on the phone, to see if Reese had a fever yesterday and they stated that this was false and she was indeed NOT sent home w/ a fever; I asked her to some how document this in my daughter's file.

Validation/Suggestions needed - Am a "unfit mother" b/c I took my daughter to daycare and what in the heck can I do about him not allowing me to talk to my daughter and/or informing me of her well-being?????????? Our divorce agreement states that we are to inform each other of her well-being and also that we can contact Reese "unhindered" but if I called the police they'd laugh at me.
I feel completely helpless and beaten down :( I know divorce is never easy and that this is something I will have to continue to deal w/ for the rest of my daughter's life but I truely feel that he and his vendictive mother will try to hold this against me some way or another!!!

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thanks to everyone that has responded; one more reason that I love this site - so many other mommies out there that know (and possibly have gone through) the same thing and it truely helps to hear that I'm not a lone ranger....nor an "unfit mother".

Well, to update, things only got worse this past Friday. I was finally able to talk to Reese about 5:20 that afternoon via phone as she was being put in his truck to go home from the doctors; she ended up having Strep Throat, only (1) fever appeared and it was Friday. After I tried talking to her, the ex got on the phone and proceeded to yell at me (remember, she's sitting in the back seat - I could hear her in the background) that I was a "piss poor mother"....to which I replied that he was setting a bad example for Reese talking to me in that manner and he blew up and it went from there....

After spending the weekend w/ my cousin and dear friends I've come to the conclusion that this attitude/verbal assaults/disrespect/yelling is nothing new, he has been the same the entire 10 years I've known him. I divorced him b/c of this and b/c there is no changing his ways so I need to accept this, once and for all, and not allow him to get to me. If he disrespects me again in front of Reese I can only hang up in hopes he stops and too ignore all grasps at "hurting" me w/o responding and focus on Reese (which has been the case, just drama added to it that she is unaware of) and kill him w/ kindness - that's probably the best (and only) amo to use w/ someone of his nature.
Thanks again guys, I have to go grow strength now ;) M.

More Answers

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L.E.

answers from Atlanta on

Hi M.,

I just read your post and I'm so so sorry you have to go through that turmoil with you ex-husband. I too am divorced, not quite a year and a half ago. I have a son, who will be 5 in April. Like you, I have primary custody. Josh sees his father 1 night a week and every other weekend. Although my ex is not verbally abusive, we have our issues, as well. I can't say I know what I would do in your situation, but I think you should contact legal help. He can't continue to treat you that way and get away with it.

If you ever need someone to talk to, or just to vent to, feel free to email me. My email address is ____@____.com Care,
L.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.M.

answers from Savannah on

All I can say is you're well rid of him.

Is this the first time he's done something like this? If so, it might be best to document this for future problems and leave this be.

If this isn't the first time he's done this after the custody was worked out, I suggest you get in touch with your lawyer. He may need to be put in front of a judge again.

Unfit mothers are the women who go out and do drugs and drink rather than raise their children. Sending your child to daycare with a runny nose is not being unfit. The rule with daycare and regular school is a fever, not a runny nose. Otherwise, every child would be out of school during the winter.

I don't know the circumstances of the divorce, but he's probably very hurt and he doesn't know how to deal with it so he lashes out as only he knows how. I am totally not excusing him, but that's how men can be. It's a shame he can't see that he's hurting his daughter.

Congrats on the new home! Take care of yourself, too.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.C.

answers from Atlanta on

M.,

All I can say is Document it, document it, document it! I have a similar situatuion with my ex, but my kids are older. I have been advised by my lawyer to record every conversation, and any issues should be put in writing and forwarded by certified mail.

It sucks, but sometimes it's all for the better.

And you are NOT unfit because you send your child to daycare with a cold. I would speak to a lawyer and see about the fact that he took the child from daycare without notifing you, and refused to disclose her where abouts.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.R.

answers from Atlanta on

I don't even consider a runny nose sick!

ANd daycares HAVE to call a childs parent and have them picked up if they have a fever. You can NOT drop off and leave you child with a fever in a daycare.

As for your ex not disclosing who your child was with while he was at work, and Reese isn't in daycare, hun I'd have a total fit!!! ANd did HE take her to the doctor at all? I mean, if she was soooo sick she couldn't be in daycare and had this aweful fever ... men

Like said below I was document everything. Good luck, sorry I wasn't much help.

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