Seeking Suggestions for Problems in the Bedroom.

I suggest watching Jimmy and Karen at 9am on DayStar. It is an excellent program for married couples. Go to www.marriagetoday.org and there you will find a vast majority of answers to many marriage questions you have.Thanks

Something I have learned is that to have sex more frequently you have to think about it more frequently. sometimes if it has been a couple of days and i know my husband is feeling neglected, i think about different times that i particularly enjoyed and by the time the kids are in bed, i remember that i liked making them (the kids) and wouldnt mind more practice!

You are more then welcome to contact me off the group if you would like. I have been thru this and its hard to deal with the jobs and the house and the kids and find that romance and passion still. Feel free to as I said contact me offline. ____@____.com.

V. Maden

You are totally NORMAL!! I think all moms go through this with their husbands. I am one of them. You'll just have to purposely cut some time out of your day to spend with just your husband. Maybe suggest to him to help more around the house. His helping will actually help "turn" you on! Men don't understand women, it's just a thing of nature. You must communicate what you need or what will make you ready for that special time in the bedroom. I bet he'd be willing to help!

Dear R.,
I disagree that men have higher sex drives than women. I actually believe it's a stress level thing, and how men and women choose to cure the fall-out from it. For men, sex is proof of love, and it's also a great stress relief. For women, conversation, a show of support & help with the drudgery of life (housework, chores, errands), and touches that do not lead to sex (massage, hugs, etc.), are a much better stress relief. We aren't wired the same way as men (obviously), and our brains remain in our heads when having sex. (As opposed to men, whose grey matter seems to shift immediately to the crotch region when "in the mood".) Women need to be focused on their partner and sexual feelings, to enjoy it. And it's impossible to be focused, when there are so many other things to think about. I believe the only real cure, is as many have said, you have to let go of the other things (or deligate them to your husband), and create some real down-time. For you by yourself, AND for you and your husband. One response I saw, suggested scheduling. This is a wonderful idea, and is absolutely, extremely romantic! Think of the anticipation you feel when you plan a vacation. It can be the same with sex. If you plan it, you can anticipate it. And you can take turns. Have your husband plan a romantic time for the two of you, and challenge him to be creative. I suggest the book, "Great American Sex Diet" by Laura Corn. It offers fantastic, creative and fun ideas to "spice" up your sex life and help make time for it. It would be a challenge for both of you. Your husband would have his own work (special recipes) to do, and you would too. My husband and I used the book and schedule when I was struggling with a low libido while caring for two toddlers. I wish you good luck and a spiced up love life!

Hello!

First, let me commend you for asking such a private question on Mammasource. You are brave! But - you have 3 children... you have to be, right?

I have to say that I understand completely what you're going through and that this 'rut' is quite typical for most married couples with children. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just exhausted. If I understand correctly (please correct me if I'm wrong), you're so tired that sex is absolutely the last thing on your mind. You're doing for everyone - your children, your husband, your house, your job, your education - and when he wants to have sex, you feel like it's just ONE MORE THING you HAVE to do? That's the way I felt, anyways. I felt like he was pressuring me every second I looked him in the eyes!

A little about me - I'm an overachiever. Just completed my PhD almost 1 yr ago, have a 2 yr old boy, work at TCH/Baylor in the medical center full time and generally take on more and more until I just can't go anymore! So... something that has helped me regain my sexdrive... REST! Your husband (if he doesn't already) needs to give you the 'alone time' you need to recharge your battery. At this point, it may be a full Saturday. My husband takes over as parent when he walks in the door, makes me a drink to relax, does bath and bed-time while I have quiet/alone time to watch a lifetime movie or read for fun... and it's like magic! Once I've had an hour for myself, I actually am interested in sex again. It also helps if my husband isn't constantly nagging me about it... he gives me my free-time and then, I initiate - not him.

So... there's my suggestion. You need time to yourself - a chick-flick, bubble-bath, glass of wine... with absolutely zero interruptions... then, you'll be able to enjoy your husband again.

Hope that helps!

Hi,
I found out about the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman when my DH and I were having our differences. In the book the author talks about how everybody has a specific "love language" that is basically the key to his/her heart. I found out that I am an "acts of service" person, and my DH is a "physical touch" person, perhaps like your DH. Once my husband and I both read the book, we felt like it was a huge piece of information to how the other one ticks! The author has a website, it's www.garychapman.org. He is a minister or something, but the religious parts don't necessarily have to apply as my DH and I are non-religious for the most part. In the book is a quiz for each of you to take to find out what love language you speak. You can buy the book used on Amazon.com, check the library, you don't have to go and spend the $13.99 that is the full retail on the book. Good luck!

You are not alone!! Men by far have a greater sex drive than women. My sex drive began to dwindle after having our son (he's six years and I am 44). We try to be "Wonder Woman" and do everything, the housework, raising a family, cooking, laundry, and of course a wife. I went through the same phase in my life. I too, thought that there was something wrong with me. By the time I was off my feet and in bed, I was fast asleep. My husband did not understand my point of exhaustion. Best advise, keep open your lines of communication, respect one another and each others needs. Parents need time to themselves as husband and wife which we sometimes forget because we are so busy being mom and dad.

You are suffering from something called "FEMALE". To begin with, this happens to almost every couple I know! A man's sex drive IS higher than a woman with the exeption of women who have higher testosterone levels. You see a man's main hormone is testosteron, which is the main reason why he wants it, he has more energy, more muscle mass, etc. Don't feel so bad, it's the law of nature. I use to be a stay at home mom and I STILL had the same problem, so it is not so much stress. We are just build that way. Think about it! How often do you think about sex? No time for that right? Too busy? Got more important things on your mind? Ask your husband how often he thinks about it. Every night! This is one of the reasons why many marriages don't make it. Sex is more powerful than anything else in a man's life. With that said, make a little time for him but don't beat yourself thinking that there is something wrong with you. There isn't. You are just a woman and he is just a man.

I would love to know if you get any useful advice. I am a 31 year old mother of 3 very active children, ages 12, 4, & 3. I work full time and cart them around to numerous activites. I am in the very same boat as you. My husband is 35 and we have been married for 5 1/2 years and been together for 8. I get very frustrated because he gets very frustrated. Please let me know if you get any useful and/or helpful tips.

I have had the same problem with my husband in the last year and true alot of my problem was due to hormones, however a really big part was just being too exhausted. My husband also wanted it and didn't understand. He was tired but always had the energy for the bedroom, I was tired and like you fell asleep almost immediately. I just kindly told him I was tired and tried to put it into words without getting angry or anything and made an effort to do things before late at night when I was about to fall asleep. We made time when my daughter was out of the house or when everyone was napping and sometimes in the morning. Love making is an important part of marriage and it worth the effort to just put it on the agenda. At first I was so tired I never enjoyed doing anything with my husband but over time things have resumed to the normal. I hope this helps, if not for advice but to at least feel like you are not alone. If you have the option to get away with just your husband for a couple days I would try that to help you get some rest and then perhaps youwill feel more amorous. If thats not possible I had my husband help me around the house so we could get to bed earlier and it made me feel more connected to him when we were working as a team.

Try watching a show called "Sexual Healing" with Dr. Laura.
Its either HBO or Showtime..im not quite sure.
Good Luck
Bon

are you taking any meds? There are some common medications that can effect your sex drive as well.
I recently had to stop taking birth control pills and my sex drive has skyrocketed!

My dh and i also plan together time, we don't have sex every time but every friday night the kids go to bed early and that is our time.
just don't put so much pressure on your self. and don't let dh pressure you too. there is nothing worse than feeling guilted into sex.
good luck!

That's real easy believe it or not, I know how you feel, but girl it's a good thing that you hubby wants you sexualy, I am a mother of 4 myself and believe me there is nothing like a good self-esteem that gets a woman started. Try this, set certain bedtime for your kids every night - say 8:30pm - then have yourself prepared - in other words pamper yourself, take your shower, get your hair all wild and put a lil make-up on, use you body spray's etc.... you know your hubby will already be waiting for you, and every man likes a show, so put a lil show for him, get some music going use whatever lingerie you already have at home or buy a cute one, wal-mart has cute ones, it realy don't matter cause he will want t off quick but the whole point in this is that he has to wait and can't realy touch you, make him sit on the bed sittin on his hand to, by you doing this actually will turn you on, cause its one thing to have your hubby just want sex but its another for yor hubby to want you,but theres no point in it when you don't feel it, you know! Also don't be afraid to let him know how to pleaseure youas well, they really do want to know cause if its one things for sure our hubby's do fear that if they can't please us we will go else where or viceversa, but you know he loves and wants to please you so let him know, so go on girl give your hubby a lil show next thing you know it may be you wanting it all the time, and there is nothing wrong with that if anything SEX IS A STRESS RELIEVER!!!!

Ask your husband what he would think of a quicky when you are so tired...I bet he will be just fine with it. Knowing that it won't last long and you really don't have to do much should help. Then on weekends or whenever you have the energy, have sex to satisfy yourself as well.

Yeah, I'd say that its probably because your exausted. We went through the same thing last year when I had our second child six weeks after we started a new company. No sleep and lots of stress. It came down to I made extra effort to stay awake and fool around, even though half the time I was upset/angry about how much stress/work/debt we were dealing with at the time. But it did help, otherwise you risk becoming distant from the person you need the most when your under tremendous stress.

I would also reccomend taking a break, I dont like vacations (Im treading water as is and if I stop....) but I love taking an afternoon off with my husband and going to do whatever we can. Either that or weekly date night, which was also a life saver.

Let me know if you need anything else and good luck.

IF YOUR HUSBAND REALLY LOVES YOU HE WOULDN'T BE GETTING
SO FRUSTERED, YOU DO WORK FULL-TIME!!, OBVIOUSLY HE MUST NOT WORK THAT MUCH TO HAVE ALL THAT ENERGY! MAYBE HE SHOULD GET A
BETTER PAYING JOB WHERE YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TO WORK AS MUCH,
THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE SO TIRED! THEN YOU COULD HAVE MORE ENERGY!!! WEEKS ARE BUSY AND EXHAUSTING! GOOD LUCK! ~

I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. With the exception we only have one child and you have four, I felt like you were talking about me. I feel your pain and frustration. My husband takes it personally that I feel the same way you do. He tries to be understanding but I often wonder how long will the understanding last. Please, take care of yourself and I agree with the other responses...talk to your husband about it.
There is NOTHING WRONG with you!!!

JOIN THE CLUB!!!! It's the "Exhausted Woman's Syndrome". I read the above book written by an Ob/Gyn.....it applies to anyone who has too much on their plate. I use sex to bargain for everything. If you do the laundry you can have some tonight.......if you buy me a gift certificate for a day at the spa you'll be well rewarded........this is the easiest way to get a sex starved partner off your back plus be rewarded at the same time......in the end it makes things more exciting...

Well that is totally normal. My husband and I got married in November and got full custody of both of his kids shortly after. So I got a husband and full time mommy hood all at once. I love it and wouldn't change a minute, but I also have a bad habbit of falling asleep at night. We have started making time during the day for "us" time. I don't know how practical it is for you but it has been great for us. There are no kids around and we just get away from all the stress fora couple of hours. We also enjoy letting the kids get away for the night with grandparents and together we get the house cleaned in the morning together but then we have all afternoon together in a clean house. That works for us. Hopefuly some of this will help you.

I would guess you are tired like the rest of us! What about your birth control? My drive seems to decline when I am taking "the pill".

Good Luck!

Oh, girl, I hear ya! It's the same thing for me and my husband...we both have very busy work schedules and we also have an 11 mo old boy. I'm the exact same way...by the time our son goes to bed, I'm ready to crash! Let me know what you hear from other Moms!
Thanks!

He will not necessarily get it elsewhere, but I like the quickie idea the best of all responses. It does not take much for a man to have some fun, and if he does not HAVE to hold back, you both may get what you want - he gets it and you don't have to spend much time and energy. Before reading the other replies, my response would have been 'skip foreplay' and 'do it sometimes even when you don't feel like it'. Who knows, at times you may get into the mood while you are at it.

Don't take it lightly though. My frequency went down to 2-3 times a month while I attempted an EMBA program, and my then-wife looked elsewhere and cheated on me. This is not specific to men, I guess it is the person who has more time and energy available (and has the mindset to cheat to begin with).

If he is not a potential cheater, perhaps you can talk him into taking some of your chores off your plate to balance the load. If you work and do your school, he could pitch in around the house. If the reward is sex, he'll likely agree.

Regards,
W.
(father of 8-y.o. boy)

I can definitely relate to you, and would like to offer my email address, in case you would like to vent, discuss, etc. My husband and I struggled with this constantly for the entire first EIGHT YEARS of our marriage. Oh my gosh!! But for the past year and a half, things have greatly improved. It's a pretty private topic, so if you would like to email me at ____@____.com, I'd be glad to offer whatever advice I can. I'm a bear-all kind of person, but not necessarily on a public forum on the world wide web!!! ;-)

-C.

You have so many things going on it stands to reason you'd be exhausted. I'm a 32 year old stay-at-home mom of a 21 month old with another due in October. This second pregnancy has hit me a little harder. I'm exhausted too and don't feel up to much in the bedroom or anything else. Luckily, my husband is pretty understanding. However, we have discovered that the best way for us to be intimate is to do it right after we put our daughter to bed or down for a nap. That way we don't let ourselves get distracted by or too interested in something else. If we wait until we go to bed, then we're both exhausted from doing other things that could have waited. Also, don't be afraid of a quickie. And I do mean for both of you. Do what you need to feel good, but it doesn't always have to be a long leisurely affair. Also, from what I've read it's pretty normal to go through phases when you're just not that into it. Unfortunately, in my experience it's not the same for most men. It's a top priority for them and for us it's a really nice extra. Most of all don't put too much pressure on yourself. Try to relax a little and do something fun with your spouse. The mood will eventually hit you.

You have alot going on in your life wow!! I can relate to what your saying about your hubby, been there. Are you taking vitamins? With as much as you're doing you need to be taking care of yourself. It's not surprising that you'd rather sleep than be intimate. You do need to take time in a marriage with just you and your hubby. Doesn't have to be in the bedroom- could be a walk or dinner. Make time for each other if you do you'll notice the bedroom time will not feel like another thing to do. When I started taking vitamins my energy level and my body started functioning so much better. Not only did I have time for everything I started enjoying life too. Most of all stop stressing- easy for me to say- not at all but what I have realized over the years is that stress takes a huge toll on our lives and it isn't worth it.
Blessings, C.

4 kids, working full-time, and going to school? No wonder why you're not in the mood!

What y'all need to do is, the 2 of you need to get away without the kiddos. Spend some time together to talk and relax. I've heard of his and hers massage therapy. If that doesn't get you in the mood...!

Does he help out with the kids and the housework? Luckliy, your kids are older and can help out.

But, I think, you need to try and designate some alone time with your husband. You need to go out on "a date!"

I hope this works out for you!

You answered your own question. You have four children, all under the age of 13, you work full-time, AND you are going to school. I think you have too much going on in your life, although, I highly respect you for your ambition. You are literally spreading yourself too thin. Your husband needs to be more understanding of your exhaustion at night. Tell him, and the two of you can work this out.

I can definitely sympathize with you. I work full time and go to school as well. By the time I get home, play with my baby (13 months old), give her a bath and put her to bed, I just want to go to sleep!
I actually talked to a therapist about this recently. She told me that my husband could just have a higher drive than me, and that it is very common. She also assured me that I'm not necessarily losing my drive, I'm just too worn out. Sex is just another thing to do on my list! She suggested that "scheduling" a time might help (as bad as that sounds). If we can plan a night where we just relax together and enjoy eachother, it might be easier to move into being intimate rather than trying to go straight from the rush of the day into the bedroom.
This is all easier said than done. It seems that if I relax at all I just get sleepy.
Anyway, let's see what other moms say!

I think alot of women feel this way...I know I have. I do think he understands but I have learned some things over the past 10 years of marriage. Sex is different for men than it is for women. They need sex. It is a physical need. He doesn't need to be insensitive but think of it as an addiction and when you have slow sex periods he's going through withdrawal. If you don't fix it, he will find it elsewhere. I guarantee it. I know this isn't what you want to hear.

Take a vacation for a week without the kids and try to renew things for yourself. We did that recently and it really helped.

welcome to the club!!!! lol im a mom of 4 ages 24 21 17 and 7. we have the yours mine and ours family, im 36 and sometimes feel 86 by the time the day is over...lol, Ive been married now 11 yrs and go through these times on and off. Alot has to do with stress, tired, and sometimes depression, on my side. But last year I said what the heck and opened up to my hubby, Told him sometimes im just so tired, other times, i want to feel appreshated, sameo sameo does not cut it eather. And I would hope that he could understand that its not persay him but just theres only so much u can do in a day.
I told him I would rather have 2 to 3 times a week great then 6 days a week quick, he understood that part ...lol. on those times I do take the time like stated in other postings to pamper myself, the bath the prettys, and wahooo...lol the time by yourself in bath gives you time to clear your mind from the day. if not bath just some alone time for 30 min. read a book, play a game on puter, anything that can make your mind blank out for a bit. anyways hope this helps out and know its not just u.
Havea good one.
J.