Taking Consensus on How Often Married Couples "Do It"

I have three kids also; 5, 3-1/2 & 1-1/2. For me it is usually twice a week, sometimes more if I am well rested and not working and ovulating. Sleep always wins over sex! I do shower with my husband in the morning 2-3 times a week. But when my third was under a year, it was only once a week if that. Once I started weening him at a year, I had a lot more interest in sex. Before that I was just putting in the time to keep my hubby happy.

I've been married almost 3 yrs, working full time. Have a 2yr old and 9 months pregnant. We do it once a week if he's lucky.

I am so glad you asked this question, I have always wanted to! My husband and I sometimes go thru dry spells that last weeks, but rarely over a month, but sometimes. He says he would settle with once a week and that is usually fine with me. Lately I have been so tired at bedtime, sex has been out of the question. It is hard to fit sex in busy schedules, but I think it's necessary to try.

I don't think the point is how many times per week, but rather that your husband and you should both feel satisfied with your sex lives in general. I met a woman who has 3 kids and has been with her husband a long time, and she swears they still do it 4-5 times per week! Great for them! But others only do it once a month, and both partners are happy with that. Personally, my husband has a lower drive than I do, and he always has. I've known that about him from the beginning, and so I don't expect things that aren't going to happen.

We are more tired and distracted now from kids, and for us, it has actually helped to "schedule" the time. I'll just say, "Hey, it's been awhile, how about Saturday?", and it's nice, because then I know for about 95% certainty that something will happen on Saturday and that he won't end up saying he's too tired or not in the mood. Now it could be in the early morning, or while the kids are napping, or after they go to bed... That's the fun is not knowing exactly when, and also looking forward to it for a few days. (Plus then I know when to shave my legs, etc!)

Anyway, the point again is for you and your husband to agree about an "amount" that will satisfy you both, not try to meet some national average. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi S.,
I honestly would LOVE to make love to my husband 3-4 times a week. The only time we really find time is late at night or during nap time if he's working the late shift. Even if the drive isn't there, think about what it would mean to your husband! :) The calories you burn isn't a bad bonus either. I don't understand why women have the sterotype of not wanting sex. I know we're busy and all, that's why we need it all the more! Forget chocolate!

I think it's awesome that you guys are looking to improve that area of your marriage and are working at your marriage! It's good that you are thinking of your husband's needs despite your busy schedule - more women should do this.

The consenses is that all men think that way. My girlfriends and I always have this conversation. Once a week is about it for those of us with children.. Having 4 kids, once a week is a treat for my husband! After I had my hysterectomy my OBGYN had a conversation about intercourse and he said that most women feel the same as I do that they are just too tired and it is hard to find time once kids come into your life. He also said that men do not understand that!

We try to take week-end or little trips away every so often without the kids so that we can both be relaxed and have time just for us!

I don't think the point is how often, it's the quality you get out of it. I have read several (Christian) marriage books and they all discuss the importance of sex, but never how often. One book did mention though, if you do it once a month or less, that is considered a nonexsistant sex life. As far as finding the time, it's here and there, hit or miss. We used to try to have "a night", but that never worked out. So now if we get the kids to bed and asleep at a decent time we go for it, otherwise we might just meet in the bathroom for five minutes. The kids are none the wiser, plus it gives a little spontaneity to your life. God bless and good luck.

We TRY to do it once a week, but honestly it's more like once every couple of weeks. My husband definitely thinks like yours so I'm glad that you sent this request around. :-)

This is probably bad but my husband and I are lucky if we do it 2-3 times per month. Once a week would be great but just not likely for us. The nights are to late we are both too exhausted, and the mornings would be great if we could just lay around in bed. We have found middle of the day on the weekend out best bet and we might plan to have a late Saturday night once in a while, our date night. We know if we are having a good date night we can't stay up to finish the movie we rented or we will be sound asleep by the time we get to bed. I'm lucky though my husband has never complained and it's a toss up on who will be the first to notice that a month has gone by and we haven't done it.

My husband said the most enlightening thing the other day though and I was impressed, he was talking to a group of people about intimacy in marriage and he said very wisely. "It's amazing how much cleaning the bathroom can spice up your sex life!"

Oh my....what a question. My husband and I might be a little different. It seems like we go in spurts. Nothing for a little while, and then a whole bunch. I guess I've never really put a time frame on it. That's just how it seems. We have two children under the age of 5, and lost one earlier this year. So, we've been busy with lots of other things. I have heard that having sex increases your life expectancy. According to Dr. Oz (on Oprah) you are supposed to have sex like 200 times a year. I think at that point, I'd want antother method of birth control, a child proof lock and extra insulation in my room!

Once a week sounds like good minimum to me but I think it's more important to just agree with eachother that you do it any time the other wants to. Even if you don't always feel like it, it is healthy, it keeps you both satisfied and focused on eachother, and it helps strengthen your bond/relationship. I find that if I respond to my hubby possitively and do it even when I'm too tired or not in the mood, I'm always glad I did in the end.

I saw once on Oprah that married couples "say" they do it more than they really do. The national average was like less than 10 times per year once children were in the picture.

We have the same argument in my household. My husband read some statistic that married people average at least twice a week and went on a campaign to get more. Of course, that pretty much killed my desire. I started teasing him asking if he was going to mark the calendar each time to make sure we kept up with average. He has let it go.

We try to get together at least once a week, sometimes we manage more if the kids get to bed on time and stay asleep. One thing I kind of don't like but have found necessary is to schedule time. I'd prefer to be spontaneous, but I always end up doing other things (like household chores) if I don't have any expectation of "couple time".

I have also explained to my husband that he's more likely to "score" if he helps with chores so that I don't have to come down from putting kids to bed and clean the kitchen. He has started cleaning up after dinner and sometimes even cooks so that I get some downtime in the evening. I guess you need to find the right motivation.

Wow, 3 to 4 times a week?! That seems a bit excessive. We strive for at least once, sometimes twice a week. 3 or 4 times a week isn't feasible between work, exhaustion, kids echedules, travel, etc. That's a lot of pressure to put on you. He can't resent you for wanting it less but you need to agree what is reasonable! Men ALWAYS want it more....

Oh yes, this is a hot topic in our household. My husband is exactly like yours in the area of expectations. I unfortunately could care less about it. We try to find a middle ground of about once a week but it can feel strained since I am sooo not into it. Not that I want to feel this way but my sex drive seems to have died! Our culture loves to perpetuate the need to have sex all the time. I am so over it. I love my husband dearly and we have worked hard on communication about it. So much in my life has changed and of course the biggie being having children but the truth is (at least for me) it is NEVER going to be like it was in the first couple of years of our relationship. I have done my best to explain this and he seems to understand but I know he still feels "neglected". This will be a work in progress for years to come for me unless I have some libido reversal, one can hope. P.S. If you watch any HBO series I really enjoy "Tell Me That You Love Me" which tackles this issue very well.

S.,
this is a great post...having a child has completely killed my sex drive. what's funny is my husband used to work at a job where he traveled all of the time and worked 60-80 hours a week and he used to be the one who was too tired. he still travels with his new job but he's home considerably more...now that he's getting more rest and i'm getting less (i work full time and am a "single parent" during the week when he travels) the situation has changed dramatically. it happens once a week, if we're lucky!

There is no definitive answer for this question. There is no wrong answer. It all depends on your lifestyle, your needs and your energy. What men fail to realize is that in the best of circumstances most women would love the luxury of doing it several times a week but we always have someone to take care of or something to clean. You may want to suggest to your husband that if he helped out a few nights a week with putting the kids to bed or cleaning up after dinner and loading the dishwasher, you could probably find yourself able to relax and do it a few times a week. We are very simple creatures and it just takes one kind act by our spouse to feel connected. Sex 3 or 4 times a week was probably doable when we were single and dating but kids completely change the equation and it is up to the spouses to find a balance.

I think it depends on what you mean by "sex". Actual intercourse, I'd say once maybe twice a week. But on nights that he'd like something but I'm not in the mood, i'll satisfy him in other ways.
Oh and right now we're redoing our bedroom so we're sharing with our son, so there is no sex when we go to bed. It always has to be either in the shower, on the couch after the kids have gone to bed or when our youngest is taking a nap and our son is keeping himself busy.
I do agree with other who say it is about staying satisfied and maybe once you started you'd feel better about it.
Oh and less than 10 times a year seems unreal!