Seeking Other Moms Advice - Livingston,NJ

Chill. You are wrong. There are so many good things about a grandparent, a little taste of coffee is nothing. If you handle things with sweetness, this will just be one of those things you look back on and laugh about!

not cool, but not the end of the world.
rather than having a conniption, try talking to them calmly.
if you can't have adult conversations with them, i pity this baby.
khairete
S.

Dipped her finger in coffee and stuck it in the baby's mouth, yeah, you are overreacting.

First time mom?

You'll find over the course of time that your little one is quite resilient and not easily damaged.

Feel free to mention your concern to your MIL, but at the end of the day she's going to do what she wants - and this isn't a very big deal.

You have to express your concerns to her - not at her. I was really upset with my aunt who gave my 7mo old a sip of diet coke - she laughed it off - I cried at her insensitivity. Once she realized that I felt she was completly disrespecting who I was as a mother and how I am raising my son she understood apologized and backed off. Sometimes a conversation is all it takes.

http://www.greatdad.com/tertiary/3/868/dads-four-foods-to...

In the link you will find 4 foods to never feed a baby
Peanut Butter, Honey, Alcohol, Fava Beans. We look at that list and think DUH! But someone who has not "needed" to know that info might not. My own sister gave her son Honey Milk and made him sick and he was 2. Again a calm conversation is all it takes.

Many other moms here are saying you are overreacting. However, I have had an experience that causes me to feel differently...

I only have one child (so far). He will be 3 in June. When he was 10 months old, my husband and I went to Milwaukee (about 2 hours away) to a Brewer game and left DS with my parents. Before the first pitch was even thrown, I had talked to my parents and mom said "I don't think DS is feeling very well". He was getting over a cold, so initially I didn't think anything of it, until she continued and said, "You've given him peanut butter, right?" However I, being a "new" mom who was up-to-date on all the new "rules", knew peanut butter is something you don't give a child until AT LEAST 1, although now recommendations are 2 for both allergy and choking hazards.

A little while later I called my parents back to check up on him and found out he had vomited twice and seemed to have hives. He was having an allergic reaction to the peanut butter. I told my parents to take him to the ER and we left the game (not even halfway through the 1st inning) to make the 2 hour trek home.

When I initially said to my mom, "You don't give an infant peanut butter!" her reply was, "We gave it to you when you were that age!".....

So, while others say you might be overreacting, I don't think you are, because you never know when a child might react to something. I don't know of anyone with coffee allergies, but it is the PRINCIPLE of giving a child something they shouldn't necessarily have. One day she may give your child peanut butter, they may have an allergic reaction.

We were VERY lucky that our son didn't have more severe of a reaction, but it still angers me when my parents shrug off some of the "new rules" because THEY didnt do it while raising us.

You are right, BUT, did you talk to her about it? If you don't have the courage to tell her that she must not give anything to your child without your expressed permission, then you are in the wrong.

I never had to worry about this with my inlaws. But I know people who did and the way they handled it was to use their peds. When MIL said "Well, when MY babies were little, we did it this way..." they would say "Mom, we're going by our ped's instructions. This is the way we are raising our child and I expect everyone to respect our ped's instructions." MIL will learn right quick that she can't babysit and that her son can't even bring the baby over without you if she doesn't abide by your rules. When she asks to babysit, you can say that when you feel that she is listening to your rules and willing to abide by them, then you'll consider it.

Unless she is a control freak who will cut off her nose to spite her face, or unless she's stupid, she'll fall in line.

The most important thing is that you must SAY to her "Don't give my baby anything to eat or drink without MY permission." You cannot just stew about this. You have to SAY it.

Dawn

Kim G:

Welcome to mamapedia!

1. She's NOT your mother in law. She is your BOYFRIEND's mother and your son's grandmother. Until you marry him - she is NOT your mother in law.

2. You are TOTALLY overreacting. She gave him a TASTE - nothing more - not a tablespoon, not a cup, not even a teaspoon. And she DID NOT give him illegal drugs....so calm down....

3. You are a young (I am guessing 19 or 20) first time mom. Got it. Now take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Do it again.

4. You need to communicate with your boyfriend....you both need to be on the same page when it comes to what you BOTH feel is right.

I can tell you that is sounds like you two are headed down a path of a contentious relationship with your boyfriend. Did you know him well before you had a baby with him? His family? You are stuck with him for a LONG time now...so get it together NOW...this shouldn't be a fight.

Your parents will do something HE doesn't like. You BOTH need to be a united front. I get you are scared about what she MIGHT do. However, you need to communicate with your boyfriend about what you BOTH think is right and wrong.

you know - my parents didn't have car seats for me and my kids growing up...oh MY GOD!! We survived!!! We didn't have booster seats....we tasted coffee...wine...and our mothers more than likely smoked while they were pregnant with us and drank too!!! HEAVEN FORBID....see...times change and sometimes they change so much they are back where they started....breathe girl...breathe....

Don't panic.

I recently found out my parents have been dunking granola bars in their coffee and giving it to my son for breakfast. a little bit of coffee, really won't do them much harm.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

You are over reacting. It was only a taste off her finger, for goodness sake. There are so many "new" rules when it comes to babies, it's a wonder there is an older generation. According to thenew "rules," we grandparents didn't/don't do anything right. I can't imagine how so many of you survived to have kids of your own!

So the thing is, did you talk to her about it?
If not, then you will get pent up about it, and then irked more.
Sure, this is your baby.
And if this is your first, usually Moms are more picky about things.
But, so you pick your battles.
And this is your Boyfriend's Mom.
Not your MIL.
And one day, you may not even be with your Boyfriend.
But still, you are the Mom.
This is your baby.
But you have to communicate, in an adult manner, with whomever is with your baby.

Then, I have a MIL... that my Husband and daughter went to visit on a trip. My daughter was about 7 then. And, come to find out, per my daughter, EVERY morning, my MIL was giving my daughter a can of Coke... for... breakfast. That and a chocolate pastry.
Meanwhile, my Husband was still sleeping, not awake yet in the morning.
I mean, what the hell, right?
A can of Coke (the whole can) and a chocolate pastry for breakfast.
My daughter thought, MIL was the coolest Grandma.
Good grief.
Sure, she didn't get harmed by it. But, what if she was allergic to something???? MIL didn't bother asking my Husband if it was okay. Nor did she tell him she was feeding my daughter those things in the morning... for... breakfast.
My daughter, told me, and her Daddy.
I couldn't believe it.
But I didn't make a "fight" about it with MIL.
But I told my Husband to tell his Mom... no more.
And he did.
It is his Mom.

You are over reacting. She is not going to harm your baby. She kept your boyfriend alive, right? She's not giving him a bottle of coffee. Do not come between your baby and his grandmother.

Meh, a taste of coffee with her finger is not a big deal in my book. Please don't look at your MIL as an enemy. She raised your boyfriend and probably LOVES your baby way MORE than you realize.

She managed to raise your BF didn't she?

Calm down and relax. Talk to your son's grandma and ask her *nicely* not to be the first to introduce him to new foods/liquids yet, you want to be the one to do that.

This is NOT something to isolate her or disrupt your relationship with her or your BF over...they are going to be a BIG part of your and your son's life for a VERY long time and you need to keep it civil.

Pick your battles and this is one that I would not freak out over, It is not going to harm your son.

I know how you feel. My MIL gave my first born a sip of diet coke from her bottle when he was still too young to talk. I was (silently) livid. Then she kept giving him candy, assuming it was a treat. One day I finally said firmly, but very gently/kindly, "Grandma, he's not allowed to have soda and candy yet - we're waiting until he's old enough to ask for it specifically." I didn't consider it rude at the time, because dh and I felt she was just being a new grandma. From that point on, she actually started asking if she could give him certain things. Try to be gently, but direct. It's your child, and while she may think you're over-reacting, she should really check with you first. Ask her to. Good luck!

Just politely ask her not to do that anymore and to stick with the foods that you ask her to feed him. One tiny drop of coffee won't hurt him. But just be sure to lay down the law nicely. They meant no harm.

I suspect the baby was showing interest in what she was drinking, as they DO at that age. It's not like she poured it into his bottle. She probably didn't want to say no to the baby, rather than outright try to start an early addiction to caffeine..

Considering you're not even married, I think your voice/vote is slightly muted in how you control your BF taking his baby to his mom's house.

Sit down, take a chill pill.

This is NOT something to start a war with your boyfriend's mom (NOT your MIL because you are NOT married)

Really, a little taste? So what do you think she will do to this child she loves if she sees him when you are not around? Why don't you go with BF to visit his mom if you are invited. It would be nice to have good communication between the 2 of you since you now share a bond (your child)

Lastly... I completely second Wild Woman... she could not had said it better.

I would just echo the statement of encouraging the grandma, for the well-being of her grandson and all that has changed over time, to take a grandparenting class offered by the hospital. My mom did that 22 years ago when her first grandchild was born and went again 10 years ago when I was pregnant with my first. She said she knew things changed and she always wanted to be familiar with what to do to keep her granchildren safe in her care:)
Oh, the coffee thing - no biggie. But moving forward,just share with her that you are a first time mom and certain things (founded or not) bug you and if only formula/breast milk enter the baby right now, you'd appreciate it. Go from there.

I'm guessing you're a new mom and because of that, your extra worried and protective, which is understandable.

What is not understandable is the big deal you are making over this. The woman raised your boyfriend, a man you made a baby with, so I'd think she did a semi-decent job at bringing him up, no?

You are attached to this woman until she dies, so I would strongly suggest that you learn how to choose your battles. At the end of the day, your son might've gotten a slight taste of coffee, but he didn't even ingest a drop. At the end of the day, this is not something to get yourself so upset over. Don't be "that" mom. Bring your concerns up to her in a mature fashion... don't be angry or bitter. I'm guessing she'll be reasonable.

Maybe you can find a class for the grandparents to attend. So much has changed, as far as guidelines, laws, etc since the time our parents raised us that most grandparents can really benefit from a refresher course. The hospital you delivered at might have those types of classes available to them.

I would be ticked off too. BUT - most grandparents today raised their kids with different "rules" on what babies could and could not have. (not saying that coffee was ever OK) My MIL gave my daughter 2 bottles of water from the tap at 3 months old, and forced cottage cheese on her at 4 months because "that's what she did with her babies".

Maybe you and your boyfriend need to sit down and discuss with all the grandparents including his mom and explain to them what the pediatricians now say about foods/drinks for babies. Do it in a non- confrontational manner - just informing them of what you do now so they know and are aware of what to give/not give under their care.

If she continues to "try" things without your consent after the talk, then you have to pull out the big guns and withhold your child from her unless you are present.

Good luck!

A little coffee now, a little more later...then what. What she did will definitely not hurt the baby, it's the principle you are worried about and not respecting you as M.. At the same time, grandparents are going to be grandparents. Sooooooooooooo...the only way you can avoid the "potential" of damage to your precious cargo is to not send the baby over when you are not present or to voice how you feel to your boyfriend so he understands your fears. But trust that your mother in law raised your boyfriend, so if you thought she did a lowsy job on him, then you would not duplicate that gene with another baby like him. Therefore, don't worry so much, unless she has gotten senile since then :-)

I would pick my battles. This doesn't sound like a big deal.

Just talk to the woman. I would not appreciate someone giving my baby a taste of coffee either BUT it most certainly would not make me even consider handing down a directive that the babys father can no longer have the baby visit his own mother because of it!
Talk to her. Explain what your expectations are: that baby gets nothing but breastmilk/formula until 6 months, and then only baby food that you approve once you have tried it at home.
You should WANT to have a good relationship with this woman. She is your baby's grandma and that is special! Who knows, maybe you will get to know her and it will end of being one of the most special relationships that YOU have! She has the potential to be a great help and friend to you, so I suggest you make it your mission for the 2 of you to work on your relationship together.

Make sure she doesn't give the baby honey. I've heard of some grandmothers doing that to soothe teething and accidentally giving the babies botulism.