Am I Over-reacting?

M....I would tell her I have strict orders from my doctor as to what she should be eating at what ages. Like no solid foods until 4-5 months, and then only rice cereal. It could upset her system. I would not give her the chance to feed her again. Let her hold her when there is no food around. She probably shouldn't be babysitting until the baby is older. That's my idea. M. B.

Yes, you are slightly over-reacting. While I completely agree with you that she should not be giving an infant ice cream, it is not something to ruin Thanksgiving over. Grandmas are great at doing things against the parents wishes, but that's what they do sometimes! The relationship and family bond is so much more important.

I dont think you are. recently my husbands brother gave my 8 month old people food *sloppy joes, chips, and chocolate icecream) at a party after I specifically told him he couldnt have it but I had to take care of my other child and left the room. He said "you had to leave the room sometime. all my kids have been eating regular food since birth and they have been fine." well my little guy was not. Hes been throwing up and having diarrhea for a week now.

obviously she doesnt respect you and I would avoid her at all costs.

~M. Mommy to Darien 8 yrs allison 2.5 yrs and T.J. almost 9 months.

You have every right to be mad! I don't know why some people think it's okay to give other's children whatever the heck they feel like and it infuriates me! It isn't THEIR child. What they did with their's is their business. What they did 30 years ago isn't necessarily a good idea now. People are ignorant. Not to mention, kids get addicted to sugary stuff too early as it is - nothing like starting them at 3 months! I don't know as I would not go to Thanksgiving, but I sure as heck wouldn't let her hold your child!

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I am the same way. Sometimes I go a bit overboard in the whole "freaking out" part, but whatever. In the end it is your child and people need to respect your wishes when it comes to those things. It took a long time of me "freaking out" on people until they finally realized that I wasn't going to lighten up. As for Thanksgiving, I wouldn't not go for that reason. Just make sure that if she has your daughter you're right there to head her off before anything gets into her mouth. If you've done it enough times, eventually she will stop trying.

I would be furious as well. That is something my mother-in-law would do. I don't know if I would skip Thanksgiving, but I certainly wouldn't leave my baby alone with her. My mother-in-law was going to let my 5 month old taste the icing from her baptism cake and I put my foot down. I don't care about hurting her feelings when it comes to my baby's health and safety.

Hi, M. --

I can ABSOLUTELY relate to where you're coming from with your concern for your little baby. I felt the same way -- I tend to be a pretty protective parent when it comes to safety. There's a major person in my life whom I love but who does not have the same focus I have regarding safety, and it's been a huge cause for anxiety in my life, as I've tried to straddle making sure she feels validated and included in my daughter's life while still trying to make sure nothing happens to endanger my daughter.

My feeling is this -- older people had completely different views toward what was and was not safe for kids. These days, we are utterly BOMBARDED with warnings and safety instructions which cause us responsible parents to try to heed every single caution that's given. There's no way to get away from it -- any less would feel like we weren't doing our proper parental duty. Nevertheless, people from other generations didn't labor under the weight of all these warnings. Once they've successfully raised their kids, they feel justified in believing that the way they did things was absolutely appropriate -- just as we will feel once our kids are older.

For my part, I recognized that I needed to find a way to still be respectful to the person who causes me anxiety because I love her and she loves my daughter. I've had to stomach a lot of angst and hover in as subtle a way as I can.

There's probably a middle ground between my stance and yours, but I would STRONGLY encourage you to "not throw the grandma out with the bath water." I think children need the gift of older people in their lives, so long as those people are loving and caring. You may not be able to leave your baby alone with you step-Mom, but, if you just accept that the situation will require your supervision but that you are doing so to enable a relationship for your daughter that can be of value to them both, then I think you will feel more ease.

I wish you the best,
H.

I am absolutely with you on this one. I had a family member trying to feed my baby icing from cake when she was 6 months old. Ugh! And a FIL feeding my sick/allergic/premature baby peanut butter!!! Anyway, I am very passionate about this, as you are. I don't think you should skip Thanksgiving -- just be extremely clear on your expectations. People gave me a hard time, but you've got to let it roll off. Your first job & priority is that baby. If you're feelings get hurt, oh well. Be strict & tell them the rules. If they "break" the rules, then be clear that you will not have your child around until she is old enough to handle what they are giving her. Don't be upset -- your stepmom wasn't trying to make you mad. Just tell her (and others) your expectations and the consequences if she doesn't follow them, and go on -- keeping a happy, yet watchful eye on the situation.

I completely understand! I was attending my friend's daughter's birthday party and my son was 4 or 5 months. My friend's mom, fed my baby ice cream (while I was across the room from her). Luckily my friend spoke up for me and after the second bite (as I was getting out of my chair to retrieve my son) she took him away from her mom and handed him back to me.

I don't think that it will hurt him but, I was just more offended that she didn't ask and then when HER daughter told her to stop feeding SOMEONE ELSE'S child, she made it seem as if it was no big deal and kept feeding him. I got over it very quickly. It didn't hurt my son and I was just more aware of when she was around him, making sure that I was in charge of what he ate.

I hope this helps. I know it can be a tough situation.

I really don't know what it is about that generation! Giving a 3 month old baby ice cream? I have the same problem. For one thing, a baby doesn't get cow's milk until a year old. With my baby it was homemade ice cream so there was the raw egg issue. And why do they wait until you're out of the room? If they didn't think it was a big deal then they would just do it in front of you. I know what all the advice will be...politely ask her not to give your baby food. You know what my husband's family did? They would just do it behind my back!

M., I had a similar situation with my in-laws (with a pouch of tobacco instead). I think you're well within your right to be concerned about the health and safety of your baby. That said, take it from me, you won't win if you keep your daughter from her and the holidays. You need to clear the air and tell her of your concerns, but sandwich it with positive comments like "I know you love her." "I know you would never do anything to intentionally hurt her." Tell her that you know she doesn't agree with this and you know there will be more things that she won't agree with, but you need her to respect your wishes. If she can't agree to respect your wishes, you can still spend time with her. Just don't leave your daughter alone with her. One other thing to keep in mind, you (also like me) are a first-time mom. We tend to react a little more intensely because we want so badly to do a good job with our little one. I really understand how you're feeling and I wish you the best of luck in this sticky situation.

Hi M.,

I do not think that you are over-reacting at all. I am a mother of a two year old little girl, and when she was a baby, I was the same way. I did not want people to feed her anything at ALL. She was a breastfed baby, and that is all that me and her doctor wanted her to have for the first months of her life. I made it a point that if someone took my baby out of my sight, or if I left the room for any reason, to tell them that she was not to eat ANYTHING. People finally got the point, which was actually very important, because later we found out that she was allergic to peanuts and eggs. If I would not have been assertive and told people that she was not to have any "food", it could have put her in danger. So no, you are not over-reacting! My suggestion would be that you still go to Thanksgiving, because I am sure you don't want to miss out on visiting other members of the family, but be VERY up-front about this and let everyone know that they are not to feed your child ANYTHING, without your permission. Happy Holidays!!

No you are not overreacting. I had a family friend give my 2 month old child strawfuls of margarite when I wasn't looking one time....talk about screaming and yelling. They said they did it because I was talking about how much she doesn't sleep. I would make it very clear that you are the parent and you have the right to decide what your child can & can't have. Especially at that age, no one knows what they may be allergic too. How would your step mom feel if she gave your child something that she ended up being allergic too. I would still go to family occassions though. Your baby is only small once and it is nice to share her.

Well, you've certainly gotten a lot of responses! I am a bit surprised by the number who said you overreacted. I think what people missed is that you're probably more upset by the fact that your step-mom clearly doesn't respect you as a mother. You tried to explain your reasons (even though you certainly did not owe her any explanation at all) and that still wasn't enough. As the mom, YOU set the boundaries and rules regarding your baby. The Grandparents have NO PLACE challenging those rules. Period.

That being said, since you said she is the only grandparent on your side of the family, and I feel that you do want her in your child's life, I think you need to have a discussion with her about the incident - either in person or send her a letter. Personally, I don't think you owe her an apology, but I do think you need to calmly explain to her why it was so upsetting to you. She's not going to be convinced that ice cream can be harmful to babies, so I would make it a point to simply explain that she needs to respect you and the decisions you and your husband make regarding your baby. Tell her that you appreciate her being in your baby's life, but that YOU are the mom and she needs to both recognize and accept the boundaries you set.

If I were you, I would have the discussion soon and plan on attending Thanksgiving. But at the party, I would avoid leaving the baby alone with her. She needs to earn your trust back and that can only be done when you see that she respects how you choose to raise your child.

I wish you lots of luck. I know how touchy issues can be with step-parents (I have a step-mom also).

All my best!
A.

Ok, yes and no. I probably would have had a coronary in your shoes (my family calls me the food Nazi). I would say it probably isn't worth the drama, especially if you want your daughter to have a relatioship with her. Maybe you could call and talk to her about it - maybe just tell her that you are overprotective but your doctor said she shouldn't have dairy until at least 9 months (and 12 months for milk). Often times laying that on the doctor is the easiest way to go. Good luck!

No your not over reacting. A baby shouldn't get table food until 6 months you can start around 4 months if they are interested. But in know way is ice cream what to start with. Your baby could have had a allergic reaction to the ice cream and you wouldn't have known what ingredient she was allergic to. Thats why you start with baby food. I don't know that I wouldn't attend Thanksgiving though I just wouldn't let her out of your sight. And I would tell your step mom that you are the parent of your little girl and if you don't want something done then she needs to respect that she raised her babies let you raise yours. Take care

You have the right to raise your children how you see fit. As long as they are loved and well taken care of EVERYONE needs to respect your parenting!! Expain what upset you and calmly explain your wishes need to be repected when it comes to your children!! Family members rarely mean harm but sometmes need reminded who is the actuall parent.

In my opinion, is a taste of ice cream likely to hurt your baby? No. However, was it appropriate for your stepmother to give your child food without your consent? Absolutely not! This is your child, and her diet is strictly up to you, your husband, and your pediatrician. She should have asked for your permission. I would speak to her again about this and let her know how you feel once you've had a chance to blow off some steam. If she still doesn't get it, just make sure that she is not left alone with the baby. Good luck.

Hi M.! I agree with you... if you don't want her feeding your daughter ice cream (which I wouldn't want done either), then she should respect you for that. If she can't abide by your rules for YOUR child, then talk to her, let her know, and if she's still insistant about going against your wishes, then stay away from her. Stick to your guns!!

Welcome to today's common dilemma of the generation gap. (That was a common term when I was a teen and the parental generation was adamant that our world would be ruined because teens were wearing uncut hair, protesting the war and showing non-compliance in so many ways.) Modern medicine has taught us that babies do not need adult food during those first months and that their health is better if they are not introduced to it so early. AND, today's food products are not as natural as the ice cream of a generation ago. Things have changed. Your step-mother might be trying to influence you to "lighten up" because she sincerely wants you to be healthy and happy. In these first months of your baby's life, you might be looking stressed. Perhaps you are still sleep deprived. It would be too hard to convince her of the value of keeping your baby on a baby diet. Spend your energy, instead, on finding non-food activities that you can ask her to help with. Not attending Thanksgiving activities will not convince her that you were right. It could worsen the conflict. Since she is the only grandparent your baby has for your side of the family, it will be worth some extra effort. Good luck!

Dear M.,
I don't think you over reacted. I do think you should have a talk with her, however. Explain to her that this is your child and that she needs to respect your wishes. I would talk it over with her before Thanksgiving and get it cleared up. You don't want to miss the time with your family. L. J

Sorry, but, yes...I do think you are over-reacting. I mean, no, she shouldn't be feeding your 3 month old anything and I agree with you putting her in her place about that. But, older people are just from another time and place than we are and don't understand. I wouldn't keep your baby from her because of that. Relationships are more important than squabbles over ice cream.

Hi M.,

I too am a new mom but in this case, I would pick your battles. She was not trying to deliberately cause harm to your baby. It is fun for grandparents to give new things to their grandchild. Sometimes our parents and loved ones forget the anxiety that we new moms tend to harbor toward 'new' things especially when the Physicians are telling us to refrain from them until certain time/ages. I would recommend taking a step back and trying to see from her angle. I know things have changed a great deal from the time my parents were new parents until now. I gently remind my parents and in-laws that I am new to this and while I greatly appreciate their advice I am following the advice of my pediatrician because so much has changed in medicine and research. I certainly would not keep my child from her if I were you, especially during the holidays. I would kindly state, "I am worried about allergies and with that in mind I am adhering to my pediatrician's advice. I would appreciate in the future if you would check with me first until the baby is older."

Good luck,
J.

No, you are not over-reacting. You are absolutely right that your step-mother could have hurt your baby. I don't know if you are nursing, but the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the 1st 6 months. No solids until then, and certainly not starting with ice cream! Cow's milk isn't recommended until one year. I would call your step-mom before Thanksgiving and firmly but politely reaffirm that what she did was inappropriate. Tell her you would like your baby to know her, but that she has to respect your feelings and wishes, and that while she may have fed her babies ice cream, we know now that this is dangerous. Tell her she can give the baby a bottle of breastmilk or formula, if you are doing bottles at all, and that is it. I think it's important to set the tone now to avoid future problems with boundaries. Be brave, and good luck!!

I do not think you are overreacting at all... and I had a similar situation this past weekend. First of all, ice cream has cow's milk in it. I am breastfeeding my 7 month old, and will not give cow's milk to him until he is at least 1 year old. I'd be hysterical as well. You just never know when and if they are going to be allergic to it.
However, I do think you should reasonably talk to her (and not yell and get upset, otherwise she will definitely think you are overreacting and being a crazy overprotective first time mom). Talk to her and explain why it is important that your baby only be getting formula/breastmilk at this early age and that you will decide when it is appropriate for her to eat solids/table foods, etc. Just ask her to respect your wishes (regardless if she did it to her kids 30yrs ago) and leave it at that. That is what I did this past weekend. My mother-in-law tried to give my 7 month old (who has only been on solids for 2.5 weeks now) a finger tip full of icing from a cupcake. I jumped in and said 'no, no, please do not give that to him. He just recently started solids and I am trying to keep him on a strict schedule until he gets older and I know he won't have allergies. Thanks. (a month prior, she tried to give him sausage milk gravy from breakfast, and I did the same thing). She still doesn't understand 'Why' it is a big deal, as she was feeding my husband and his brother whatever at that young age. I just stay rational and in a calm tone explain to her that it is important to keep him on my schedule and I've done alot of research and am just trying to the best thing for my precious little boy. She isn't trying to do it maliciously, she just doesn't think it is a big deal. I'm sure your stepmom is the same way. Just explain that you are trying to do the best for your little girl and to please repect your wishes. And be prepared to tell her over and over again.
Good Luck!

maybe overreacting. this is a hard one. i don't think i would not attend thanksgiving just b/c of this, unless she does things often that are not right or are done just to upset you. but giving a baby diary like that could lead to dairy allergies, so this could harm your baby in the future. i had a similar situation once: my father in law gave lemonade to my 3 month old baby at christmas. i was livid & shocked that he would even think to do something like that. but i was able to calmly explained to him everyone else that was sitting around laughing at him (while my baby was crying & making horrible faces & spitting it up, etc etc) that it wasn't okay to give my baby lemonade... now it's just a joke in the family, when we visit that grandpa has to try to give our kids lemonade.
it seems we do things a bit different than our parents generation when it comes to what to feed & do with babies & kids. i don't think she was trying to harm your child & i understand why you would get upset, but i don't think it's something to react this strongly to.

While on the surface I do think you overreacted I found out over the weekend that they DO NOT want little ones having dairy products too early because it can cause trouple. I did give my 2 boys ice cream that old. Honestly they wanted to try everything we ate. When my oldest was 3 months he would suck pizza sauce off the dough or my finger. He has had no problems with food allergies. I woul gently point out to Step-Grandma that due to newer research they recommend no dairy products for a long time. The mother that told me this her daughter is getting ready to turn 1 and I sat for them over the weekend and was scared I woul run out of formula and asked if she was allowed 2% milk. I know from my youngest they only wanted 2% not whole milk or the higher fat content. She freaked and told me they can devlop allergies if feed it too early and there is also something called dairy toxicity. So since ice cream is a dairy product until I double checked with the dr I would say stay clear. But now a teaspoon or two I don't think would cause any great harm.
I wanted to add something. Just be glad she wasn't giving you child booze. I do not drinkl and do not believe in giving any child it to drink even teens. Well a close friend of ours gave my youngest son a sip of what I thought was cola and it wasn't until much later I noticed it was beer. I was livid. He was only 3 months old. Everyone said "I gave beer to my kids they are fine". Sure they are fine they do not mind. Poor grades in school. Trouble with the law all the time. Even my husband defended them. I told him he and they were totally wrong. Guess what our son had troubles too now while I don't think one sip cause it entirely I am not sure h wasn't given it again and again. I will say at his age and weight he was drunk and fell out of a high chair at Show biz pizza about an hour later that same day. He was so wound up. I blamed it on the beer. I am considered weird by many people because I never smoked, drank, or did street drugs. I spend my money on productive things not bad.

You don't mention how old your babies is, but I can tell you: ALL of my kids had their first ice cream from the grandparents. Its just what they do. I wouldn't waste too much energy being mad about it. It's not going to hurt your little one to have a bite of ice cream now and then courtesy of the grandparents.

I think you are over-reacting a little. I think you are right to be upset that baby should not have ice cream but I think you should just make that clear to her and move on. If you don't attend Thanksgiving you will only make matters worse. It will also put your husband in a bad spot because he will be torn between the two of you.

Well I have to side with the step-mother on this one. Unless your child is allergic to cows milk I think you over reacted.
You obviously have a grudge against your step-mother. I also think if it would have been your mother feeding your daughter ice cream, you wouldn't have said a word.

Dear M.,

I am also a mom and understand you becoming upset with your Step Mom's actions. Our children are our treasures. I have several questions I think might support you in finding an answer to your question.........Is your anger only about the ice-cream? Did you trust her before that situation? What kind of relationship do you want to create with her? M. most of time authentic communications where we tell people exactly "what" we are feeling and "how" we want to feel can make the ultimate difference. Simply put, if this relationship is one that is important to have in your life, then decide what you would like it to look like, and how you can be responsible for creating it. She will either accept who she can "be" as the only grandparent ( a critical role in any child's life....if it is a healthy "grandparent")or she will not. Either way you will have set guidelines to keep your beautiful baby healthy and safe in more ways than one. Wishing you light and laughter! N.

I do think your over-reacting, but I will admit I have done the SAME thing. My mother in law does that kind of stuff all the time when my baby was little, giving him bottle after bottle till he literrally puked..then giving cake and icecream.... but looking back now I think I did over react, she wasn't trying to hurt the baby, they just all tend to spoil them..it was anything intended to make you mad or hurt your baby, its just what grandmas do.. all you could do is let her know that you don't want that for your baby. I don't think a few bites of icecream are going to hurt, although some babies milk can give them gas at that age. I say you should go to the family events.. she may be your step mom but she still is family, the more family the better for your child

M. - I do not feel that you are over-reacting! I think I would have done the same thing having been in your situation. Although, I do not feel that you should miss out on Thanksgiving. Have you tried to let your stepmother know why you would prefer she didn't give your daughter ice cream (and that times are different from when she had kids). If that doesn't work; then I would highly suggest you supervise her visits ... or just not let her hold him. That is a tough situation to be in; but you need to protect your baby! I'm amazed at how many times I've seen people do this ... feeding a baby ice cream. It blows my mind! GOOD LUCK to you!

Yes, I believe you are over-reacting. I would apologize for overreacting, but explain that you are a first time mother and you would like to be very careful what your baby is ingesting.

No! Shame on that lady. You baby is to young to be digesting dairy products at that age. First of all it's to hard for them to do so secondly they can develope allergies and all kinds of stuff!! Talk to your childs doctor about dairy products at this age they will tell you and in the mean time if people aren't willing to follow your rules with your child then they don't need to be alone with them. If you don't take a stand then nobody else will. Be strong good luck.

Hi M.!

Might not want to hear it but i do think you over-reacted a little bit about the ice cream. What has to be remembered is you are a first time mom to a baby & she is a first time grandma to YOUR baby also. She doesn't know your rules & the way you want it done. While the better way for her to go would have been to ask you if it was OK before she did it, I don't know that it warrents yelling & mising Thanksgiving. The two of you need to come to an understanding. Actually sit down & talk about it. Let her know you would like new foods run by you first. You know that's the way she did it with her kids but you aren't comfortable. If she pushes it then you can use the weapon that you are mom & what you say goes. But no need to get worked up & mad.

Good luck M..

Hi M.,

Years ago when your stepmom had kids, things were so different, so much more carefree. I am sure that she doesn't realize these days you do not feed newborns icecream, and that dairy among other things should be avoided until the recommended age because they can not digest it properly and they are at risk of developing allergies. I would definitely talk to her in a nice way about not feeding your baby anything that you do not approve first because it can be harmful. I hope that you can work it out and go to Thanksgiving.

hi M.,
it is absolutely ridiculous that she would feed a 3 month old ice cream. i would be very upset too. you will cool off though and i would not ruin your thanksgiving over it. i think you are probably even more angry because she argued the point rather than taking your feelings into consideration. stick to your guns on this one. if she brings it up again let her know how upsetting it was for you. i wouldn't don't hold a grudge though, she probably meant no harm and was just being defensive.

I don't think you are over-reacting at all. That is simply unacceptable on your step-mothers part. I know you want your child to be able to spend time with her "grandmother" but I'm sure your step-mother also wants to spend time with her. She needs to learn that she is YOUR child, and you decide how to raise your child, not her... and if she wants the privilage of spending time with her, then she needs to remember that. Maybe if you skip on Thanksgiving this year she will get the idea. Or at the very least explain that if something this happens again, you will not go to other family gatherings, or allow her to be unsupervised with your child.

Wow - so many responses! Sorry, I didn't read them all...
Yes, I think you are over-reacting, but I understand where you're coming from because it sounds like one of my reactions when I just had my first baby. Because your step-mom is older, and already raised her children, she is more laxed and probably didn't see ice cream as a harmful food. She should have been more sensitive and respectful of you as the mother, and waited for your permission. I think it is a matter of letting her know how you feel. I wouldn't miss family time with her over this. I understand that from your point of view, it is a big deal, but in the grand picture, it was not meant to be malicious, and if you talk about it now, you can clear this up.

I would be upset too! You and your husband could talk about how pediatrician recommendations are much different today than when she raised her children.

i don't think you are overreacting about be mad but i do think you should go to thanksgiving. heres the thing i don't think i would have gotten as mad about the ice cream. if it would have been some other food i think i would have. because the baby drinks milk. ( i would be more worried about an allergy). but the bottom line is she is your child and she should unterstand that just because she did things with her children don't mean she can do them to yours. things the kids could have back then they cannot now.(or a recoomended not to. and you should be the first to do that and she does need to understand that.

I had a similar situation when my son was a baby with my dad & step mom. I was adamant about my son not getting sugar. (he was a baby-he had no need for that). It was a belief that I had and when I turned my back he would have something sweet being put in his mouth. I had to put my foot down and ask them to please respect my beliefs. It didn't matter what they had done with others (typical excuse-I did it to my kids...) "I have a strong belief that I want to raise my child a certain way and I need to know that you will respect my decisions. Without it, I have a hard time trusting you and wanting to continue to spend time with you".
That's about what I had to say, then I had to hope that my parent's did as I asked. Grandparents are an important part of the family and it's hard to weigh one versus the other.
So I am not sure if you were overreacting. Because if you let it slide once, then what next?

Hi M.,

Since you asked what you should do (I agree w/ your feelings, been there!), I'd suggest apologizing for the manner in which you reacted to her, since it probably caused her discomfort and then explain that what your baby eats and drinks is strictly up to you and your husband, along w/ baby's doctor. Times are different.

My mother-in-law once slipped a round ICE CUBE into my now 10-yr-old daughter's mouth (hence she survived!) when she was 9mos old at a restaurant. Right before my eyes she put it in, I quickly snatched it out. It was summer, I don't know what was going through her head. My actions and my husband's words let her know that WE are the parents. Believe me, I wanted to use some words of my own, too!

But all is well, it took some time through the yrs, and his parents play a huge role in the lives of my three children. My father-in-law retired a month before my twin son and daughter were born almost 4yrs ago. They are a blessing.

Grandma still needs some supervision though :)

~K.

Yes and no. You are not overreacting because it is your child. However in her eyes you should have dealt with it. I was put in a similar situation with my SIL and MIL where they would do things that I would not approve of with my kids but I had to take it because my husband wanted me to keep the peace in the family. I would speak to your husband first to see what he feels about the situation, I would say you put up with as much as you want to. If you feel that this is something that you feel strongly about, enough to not have your child have grandparents on your side then I would say stay away. My kids and husband no longer speak to or see his side of the family not because of the situation but because our entire relationship with them was a battle of who raised their kids right.

Yes, you have every right to be mad, and she should definitely not be feeding a 3 month old ice-cream (POSSIBLY unless the baby was crying/screaming because the baby was hungry or something...MAYBE...but still, I would have been upset by it).

However - I wouldn't let it keep you from attending Thanksgiving because of it. It's one of those things - now you know you can't leave her alone with the baby until/unless she finally "gets it" about you being the parent and not wanting such things going on.

I got mad when my husband gave a little "wacky taco dip" to our 6 month old - he said, "Oh be quiet - she loved it!" I grumped that "Her whole face turned red!!!" It was all I could do to control my temper - I'm still a little steamed about it.

Good luck!

Yes and no.
Not attending Thanksgiving could be overreacting.
Just don't leave her alone with your daughter.
You need to talk to her calmly: YOU are the mother and if she wants to do or give anything to YOUR daughter, you would appreciate if she ran it past you first.
When my daughter was 5 months old, my MIL and her cousin told me my daughter needed to try a dilly bar (chocolate covered ice cream bar) and I said no, a little later I left her with them for a few minutes to get some things and came back to find they had fed her half of one. I flipped out.
Later I calmly explained why I didn't appreciate that and I got the line that my MIL was "her grandmother and had the right to want to share special things with her"...
2 years later, they don't see my daughter at all because they don't care about what's best for her, they want to do things their way and will do the opposite of everything I ask.
Just because someone is "family" does not give them the right to overrule your wishes as a mom or to disrespect you by sneaking around behind your back.
Always remember that you know what's best for your daughter and trust your self. Your stepmom needs to respect you and your wishes regarding your child, or you need to limit the time they spend together and make sure it is never alone.

Dear M.,

To tell you to lighten up is a bit extreme but I do think you are over-reacting. If there was an allergy to milk, eggs or sugar, I think you would be justified, since there isn't, a little nibble of ice cream will not hurt your beautiful baby girl. Honestly a three-month-old cannot get enough of anything into her system to cause concern. I am a mother bear myself and will not hold myself responsible if anyone ever hurt my daughter but your stepmother was just giving her a little taste of something she may not have had. It was more exciting for your stepmother than it was for your daughter, to be able to share a first time experience. Also if your stepmother is consistent in doing things against your better judgment, you may be justified. If you want to smooth this over with your stepmother, sit down and be completely honest about the way you feel. Chances are, if she has had children of her own, she will remember back to her first child and be able to share stories of when she may have "over-reacted". Don't spend so much time worrying about it. Things like this blow over and get forgotten! Good Luck!
-H.-

I don't think your over reacting. I would be furious too, (i have a 4 month old). I would prob attend thanksgiving though, just be extra sure not to leave them alone together!

M.,

You know I had the same situation, with my mother-in-law. She was giving my 3mth old coffee. Now how bad is that. And then after I saw her do it, she lied to me about it. I strickly told her that it is not acceptable for her to do that. That for her to please always ask me before she gives my baby anything. I sat down with her and explained everything. And she finally understood. The long conversation really made a difference. You should try the same. Talk to her, make it a big deal, and tell her that she needs to do this for the safety of the baby. Tell her times have changed and there are new rules now and that you make them for your baby. I would still go to Thanksgiving. But have the talk first. Good Luck!!!

A.

M., if you are uspet and do not feel its right for your daughter to have ice cream then no you are not overreacting. You are her caregiver you decide whats best for her. You have every right to be upset. If you do go to thanksgiving but up front with her that she will not be feeding your daughter or do let her have your daughter at all. Good luck!

I tend to agree that you are over reacting a bit in this instance. I have had that battle with grandparents and aunts for both of my sons. While I do not think that a 3-month old should have ice cream, I agree that she was not being malicious with giving it to her. It was a different world when we were babies -- parents gave their children new foods at very young ages and sometimes they don't think about all the new "guidelines". I think that it would be VERY extreme to skip a holiday; I do not think that this is something to ruin a family relationship over. I would have another talk with your stepmom (after all the emotions have cooled and you are not upset) and talk calmly about the situation. Tell her that you really want her in your daughter's life but you feel she is too young to try any table foods. Then go and have a great holiday.

I dont think that you are over reacting to the fact that shefed your baby ice cream, however I do think you should go to Thanksgiving. If she feeds your baby something again, take the baby and don't let her hold her again. She will get mad but you will feel happier about your baby eating!
Good Luck

Oh M.! I had to chuckle at your question. I've been in this similar situation :)
And in the end, my child ended up being alergic to dairy. (not because grandma let him have a taste test tho)

I do agree, that a 3 month old baby should NOT have dairy like that tho.

I don't know as I'd say so much that you over reacted to the situation, but I do think, that by not going to Thanksgiving you ARE over reacting.

You've lost both mom and dad, is this really that big of a factor that it should prevent you from spending time with those dear to your heart? Is this REALLY that big of a factor that you will forever hold a grudge against your stepmom?

Just look at the big picture hun, life is so short, choose your big battles wisely, what doesn't matter, just doesn't matter.

Was your son effected by the ice cream??

I think by expressing to s.mom that you don't want baby having things like that, was made clearly..I say move on and enjoy your family members while you have them especially during the holidays!! And if she gives him a turkey leg, well then reconsider Christmas :)

S.

You know I absolutely cannot get my mother to listen to me about what my son can and can't have!! I have caught her feeding him Chocolate and Peanut butter!!!!!! Omg! thank god he isn't allergic to peanuts..anyways what I was getting at is she too says I gave it to you and your brother when you were little and you guys are fine!!(how do you argue with that and actually have a point?) I don't know what to do but you are justified to be mad about the ice cream after all it is your baby and she should respect your wishes(if only my family would respect mine!!)

In all honesty yes, she should have asked you whether or not it was ok to give the baby ice cream. At that age their tummy can't really handle regular dairy foods, that is why some babies have trouble with milk based formula such as enfamil. I wouldn't cancel out on Thanksgiving though. Just make sure that if she is going to be holding the baby that you are present. I hope all works out well for you.

D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

I've had the same problem. I don't understand what it is with Grandparents and older people in general...they think babies can and should eat anything! Dairy is NOT good for a 3 month old to be digesting. Try to sit down and talk to her about it, show her the facts about what it could do to her digestive system. She should respect your wants as a parent. It's silly to cut off all contact, try to find middle ground, try to bring some humor to the situation, start off be letting her know how much you appreciate and care for her and you want to settle this and move on, especially for the sake of your daughter.

As the mom in a family that deals with SEVERE food allergies, I would also have been very upset about this. However it probably is something many people would do without thinking. I might suggest giving her a list of foods you do not want your child to have yet (peanut butter, eggs, etc. -for highly allergenic foods) and try to explain how you plan to go about introducing foods. For our family it is truly a matter of healthy and safety, as it is for many others. Good luck!

M.,

Yes, people will feed things to babies to watch them enjoy it for the first time. Like you, I would have been upset and told the woman so. However, use a "flash in the pan" approach--it is over, let it drop. She was not hanging your baby by her heels over a 2nd story balcony. She was not intentionally doing something she knew in advance that you would not like.

Attend Thanksgiving. Be gracious. Be grateful you have a baby AND a stepmom. You can let people know, for instance, "I'm breastfeeding and not giving my baby any solid food until 9 months of age, because the doctors all agree that this really helps reduce the possibility of food allergies. I want my baby to be as healthy as possible." And, when you have to leave the room, be sure someone is holding the baby that will respect your wishes that you have now publicly announced.

Best wishes,
K.

I think you are over-reacting a little bit. A little ice cream won't hurt your child. In the 'old days' people gave babies ice cream all the time... not that I'm saying alot is good but a spoonful or two won't hurt her. I know my grandpa gave me (and my sisters) a taste of ice cream when we were just a few days old and we turned out all right (no health issues or allergies or anything like that). My mom teased me all the time when my kids were babies because she wanted to feed them ice cream... but I told her "no, not yet" and she listened and waited. When each was 5-6 months old, it was Christmas-time (all were summer birthdays) and part of my 'present' to her was to let her feed the baby a small bite of ice cream to carry on the family tradition.

However, if you don't want your child to eat something that is totally your decision - no one else's. But I have a question for you... did you specifically tell her to NOT feed your baby ice cream or tell her not to feed her anything? If not - you are overreacting - she can't be a mind-reader. Many people, especially in other countries, start babies on solid food at 2-3 months and it was common when she was younger so she probably didn't mean any harm by it. If you did tell her and she didn't listen to you, then yes, you have a right to be mad.

Go to Thanksgiving... there is nothing like the bond between a child and grandparent. It's very special and your child may grow up to resent you if you deny her the opportunity to have a relationship with her. Just tell her not to feed her anything without asking. Don't leave her alone with your baby if you truly feel you can't trust her yet.

I think you were right to be annoyed. Possibly your stepmom reacted with the "lighten up" comment because she felt attacked by the way you rebuked her (though I could certainly see why you were upset). Maybe she was even embarrassed when she realized that this is obviously a no-no for a tiny baby (what if there had been nuts or honey in that ice cream!) and she snapped back at you. I've had similar issues with my mom. I've told her that baby cannot do X, Y, and Z and then she gives me the "you worry too much" or "you're so overprotective," but she still respects my wishes (mostly because I’ve explained how that a child can die from eating some foods!). I actually gave my mom a copy of a baby book I got from my pediatrician’s office so that she could look through it and know what the most up-to-date baby advice is (at first she said, “I already raised two kids I don’t need this!” but now she will quote chapter and verse from the book!). Since this is only one incident, give your stepmom another chance. If you see that she is ignoring your wishes in favor of her own old-school parenting, then you would probably want to make sure your daughter is carefully supervised with her. I wouldn't skip Thanksgiving or other holidays unless you feel this is a pattern and that your child is truly in danger and that your stepmom is purposely ignoring your rules. I think she will probably be more careful now that she realizes your position on things.

Ice cream at 3 months?!? I would have been livid too! My sister-in-law gave my 15 month old child a McDonald's Happy Meal - the whole thing, cheeseburger, fries, and pop...so I know what you're feeling.

Sure she might have fed a baby ice cream during her day which was probably ages ago. I bet women her age smoked and drank while pregnant too. Heck, I bet her kids even rode in the back of a station wagon, facing outward not strapped into a seat belt. Just because they "did it back in their day" doesn't make it right. Science and medicine has evolved a bit since then.

I'd be anxious about Thanksgiving too, but I would go. You might wish to have a conversation with your step-mother and ask her to respect your wishes in how you want your child to be raised. If you simply cannot bring yourself to have that conversation, then team up with your husband to make sure that one of you is always around the baby at Thanksgiving.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'd flip out over the ice cream at 3 months too.

I don't know if I would say yes or no to that. I think that raising a child today is so much different than it was when we were raised (it's a miracle any of us survived, right?). I doubt that she was trying to overrule you or hurt your daughter, but I understand your frustration. It sounds like you should try and salvage this relationship and not let this get in the way. She may have felt a little embarrassed at the way you confronted her (I'm not saying you were wrong, I probably would have reacted the same way) so maybe you should take the first step and apologize for your reaction, but then explain to her all the fears and issues it brings up - the very least of which is that today doctor's don't recommend any food until 4-6 months not to mention allergies, food sensitivities, and sugar. I think you are justified in being upset about the ice cream, but you should give her another chance.

i remember my dad trying to feed my baby chicken at the table, and totally freaking out about it, so i can relate. also had a neighbor try to give my baby cool whip. not cool.

just tell her that she needs to check with you before she feeds your daughter anything. since thanksgiving is all about food............ you probably should make this very clear before you go, or not go.... otherwise your beautiful newborn might get a taste of pumpkin pie :O

I have almost the smae situation as you. Back when these women were parents they probably did feed their babies ice cream at 3 months, but Doctors know now that it is not good for the babies. Mostly because of all the chemicals that are used today as opposed to 20-30 years ago. Juat explain that your babies digestive tract isn't ready yet. (there have been alot of suggestions to give miine graham crackers-honey is bad okay) :) Bye thanksgiving your baby should be okay with some solid foods, If she doesn't understand why your baby can't have it, just don't leave baby alone with her unless she uunderstands and "gets it"

Hi M.,

I'm sorry, but I do think you are overreacting a little. I don't have a step mother, but I do have a mother-in-law that I sometimes disagree with on what she gives our daughters. But I think that instead of being angry to the point of not going to your family Thanksgiving dinner, I think that you need to explain to her that although you understand that she may have raised her children differently and even though she doesn't agree with you that she needs to respect that you are the parent and make the choices for your children. I wouldn't say this in anger though. Wait until you've had a chance to calm down, then talk to her calmly. Try to remember that she was not trying to harm your baby, and that she just doesn't understand the danger. And you know maybe there isn't any danger at all, but YOU are the parent, and YOU have the right make the choices for YOUR child. She needs to understand that. I do know that this isn't easy for you, and I wish you the best in this situation!

M.,
I think you are over reacting a bit. I don't believe a taste of ice cream will hurt your child. Be happy she wasn't giving her anything she could choke on like birthday cake.If you want your baby to have a grand parent I think you need to lighten up a bit.I would have asked her to please not feed her anything with out asking you first though.Being plite about it may get you further ahead.

At this point I would say NO your not over reacting. Your acting like a lot of mothers would in the same situation. If you choose not to go to Thanksgiving then you will be over reacting.

I'm sure she didn't do it to be mean or try to hurt your daughter. On the flip side of that most older people (even one generation removed) don't know the new findings on health related things with children. Think about it, did you have to buckle up or wear a helmet? I didn't. I'm in my late 30's but by the time my sister (who is a young 20) came around she had to buckle up but didn't have to wear a helmet. Things change and sometimes Grandma doesn't know best.

You're definitely not over-reacting at all! I would feel the exact same way if anyone did that with my baby. In fact, one time my husband's father came from New York to visit us in Indianapolis for a week and I caught him feeding cookies to our son (who was then 2 years old at that time) for breakfast, which made him too full to be able to eat a normal breakfast. Then my husband's father repeated that stunt for lunch (on the same day) by feeding our son potato chips before we had a chance to prepare a normal lunch meal. That was when I told him firmly that he had to stop doing that. He didn't like it one bit! But I didn't care, because I want my son to eat reasonably healthy meals first before eating junk like cookies or potato chips.
Bottomline is, you can tell your stepmother that your child's doctor doesn't recommend ice cream for 3 month old babies and that they don't eat "real" food until they're close to 1 year old. That should keep her quiet. If you catch her again, you would be fully justified in not allowing her to be alone with your baby again (or not seeing her anymore).

Hi M.,
I think you are justified to be mad about the ice cream of course 3 month old babies shouldn't have ice cream. But I do know in dealing with my own mother in law and mother that there is a laundry list of things that were done "back in the day" that would be unheard of now. I'm sure she didn't mean to deliberately harm the baby she was doing what she thought was okay. I don't think I would be leaving the baby alone with her anytime soon, but I certainly would still communicate with her. Try to have a discussion with her that you didn't mean to react so loudly but you have to be careful with what you feed the baby. (which at 3 months shouldn't be hard they dont' get anything but breastmilk or formula) or something like that

No you weren't really over-reacting, but realize she didn't mean any harm. Things were different when they raised their babies, and that's just that. Just explain that you are seriously following your doctor's recommendations, which are based on a lot of research that has taken place since the times that she's familiar with. And if that doesn't work, I certainly wouldn't cut her off from your baby...I just wouldn't leave the baby alone with her for even a second!

Wow I can't believe alot are with you on this. Let me give you a view from the other side. I became a grandparent to two boys this summer and I love them both dearly. One grandson lives with me because his mother is underage but I really feel that grandma was just trying to be grandma and giving your child what she thought of as a "treat". If you hollered at her in front of people then yes you very much over reacted. what the best approch would of been would have taken her aside and tell her nicely that you would rather she didn't give the baby anything that you feel is not age approperate (sp). Not going to Thanksgiving dinner is really being petty on your side. That is just my opinion and take it or leave it.

Don't give up other family members and a holiday because of this. Just set boundaries for her. NO feeding her UNLESS you specifically ask her to. She needs to respect that & you should tell her that.

You'll deprive yourself & your daughter of holiday family time. Staying away would only give her the upper hand (she caused you to stay away) I don't think this is what you want.

Some women are like that, think they can do what they want even if they know the mom won't like it. Maybe you could print out an article about allergies and why it is important not to give babies different foods too soon. If you don't go for Thanksgiving, tell her it is because you are going to wait until your child is old enough to eat the different foods, that way you won't have to worry about her. I would be the same way. (My inlaws thought it was OK to feed babies anything, drive with the baby on their lap, smoke while holding the baby, etc!!!!)

Well, maybe just a little. To those who think you were over reacting--I think the problem is that it was done deceitfully. If she had tried to feed the baby in front of you out of ignorance and you screamed at her --yes definitley over reacting. But she waited until you were not in the room--which seems like she was trying to hide it--and then to argue with you about it--not good. The issue here is not so much the food(though that can be unhealthy) the main issue is the lack of respect for your parenting. If I were you I would ask to talk to her alone--apologize for yelling at her in front of everyone but then emphasize that she must respect how you are raising your child and if she does not then you will not be bringing her around to visit. And I have to defend my generation--I am a grandma of 3 wonderful kids and I would never do something like this and argue with my daughter about it. My Mom was also like me--she would sometimes give me her opinion or advice but would not force the issue or do anything behind my back. Just the other day my grandson told me he wants a nerf gun for Christmas and I asked my daughter about it --she said NO--no play guns even nerf ones. So I asked her to tell him that she said no so I would not be the "bad" guy--I would never go against her wishes.

No, absolutely not. She was wrong to give your kid ice ccream This is YOUR baby, not hers. It can be dangerous to give a young baby something with milk in it, she could choke on it, or worse yet, allergic. Young babies can't digest cows milk, in any form. When they're older, say between 9 and 12 months, then things like ice cream and cheese are intorduced one at a time. Explain to your step mother that if she does not respect your wishes, then contace with her will have to be limited for obvious safety reasons. Above all, be respectful to her, maybe she does have useful info to deal with young children, safely, of course.

M.,
I can understand your concern and being upset, yet keep things in perspective. She didn't think she was doing anything wrong. just calmly explain to her about food allergies and to please not feed her anything with out your permission. Just remember the holidays are about family and sometimes forgiveness. Good luck to you and happy holidays.

In some ways, you are. How much did she feed your daughter? Was it just a taste? Is there a valid reason for not having any ice cream (chucks, allergies, etc..)? Are you mad because she didn't ask or did it on the sly? As someone who had a "stepmother", I can tell you that this is your child and not hers. You have the right to raise your child as you see fit. In the future, do not avoid her. Just explain privately that this is your child and she should respect your wishes on how you want her raised. That said, you are a new mom. Trust me when I tell you that you need to lighten up or more family members might try to out do you in the parenting department. This sounds like it was not a life threatening situation and the older generation will tell you that they did it with their kids and they survived. Please pick you battles carefully and if you are afraid that any family member might harm your daughter, never leave her alone with them. Remember that you can be very over protective at this stage and eventually you daughter will be outside making and eating mud pies. Been there, done that. Good Luck.

It's a very emotinal time for you with a new baby, and having to let people you don't especially like touch your bundle of love is alot. The ice cream won't hurt the baby, thats the good news. Might give her gas because the babies digestive system isn't ready for milk. Settle down, drink something warm ,and let her love your baby too. P.s. this is how grandmothers train babies to go to grandmas for ice cream. This may make your relationship better. Let me tell you though that when my daughter was small, my mother wanted me to feed her milk mixed with kayro syrup. Of course I didn't, and told her so. That made things rough for a few minutes, but I stood my ground. No one loves your children as much as you do, except for their grandparents.

Yes you are overreacting! As a parent, I wouldn't like for someone to go against the way I raise my children. I would CALMLY tell them not to do that and why. Don't disinherit them for an error in judgement. As a grandparent, sometimes it's hard to remember how things were when mine were little and how much things have changed. She wasn't doing anything mean or purposefully harmful to your baby so lighten up. It's fine to get upset but you can't cut someone out of your life for something like that. Cut her a break and yourself too.

We all know that feeding a 3 month old ice cream is not good...but let's look at this...was it only on your baby's lips? I mean, how much did she injest? Did she get sick? I am not trying to down-play...but hear me out....I had a great aunt who did the same thing....I just gently took the baby away without a big scene and talked to her about it later (how I didn't think 4 month old tummies could handle regular milk, etc.)

Ask yourself if you think that your step-mom deliberately fed her ice cream against your will? Did you tell her beforehand and she did it anyway?

I think skipping T-giving would be extreme....and feeding a baby a bit of ice cream would not be something on my list of why I would never want my child to meet his/her grandparent.

I think putting it into perspective would be good.

M.,
Your reaction was a bit over the top, an apology might even be in line. Instead of losing your cool and yelling, how about at Thanksgiving you give her some ground rules of what is OK and not OK. Then if she diliberatley does what you asked her not to then make your decision about what the consequence is for not respecting your wishes. You will feel less stress. the little one will pick up on everything you do to others and at some point do the same thing to you. Be what you want your little one to be. Hopoe this helps