Who Is Right Here???

Kinda sounds like my parents. The way I see it is it maybe be their house their rules, but my kid my rules. If that can't be accepted less visits can be arranged (and has been). :) JMO

Yes, we follow different rules at different houses, BUT "Mom's rules trump all."

I've had to pick a few battles with my own mom. If this is a battle you want to choose, choose it. And follow up.

My mum didn't take me seriously at first. And then I took my son home, and wouldn't bring him back. It took her about a week, and then she called apologizing. And JUST like a toddler or a teenager, she pushed those boundaries again a few months later. So she was cut off. Again. Until she absolutely promised to follow my 'etched in stone' rules. As kiddo got older and those rules changed, I did update her on them, but certain things were absolute. ANYONE watching my child needed to follow them. Period. Or they didn't watch my child. Period.

I'm willing to bend on a LOT of things. But if I say "no", I mean NO. And if she won't respect that, then she doesn't get time alone with him.

MIL is just letting her graze on what ever she wants - and some 2 yr olds would eat candy till they barf and then do it again.
I don't think a child that age has the ability to make wise food decisions.
Kids need boundaries and MIL wants to never say no to anything or be the bad guy.
Since MIL won't step up and be the adult with her grandchild in her house, I wouldn't let my child visit anymore.

how can i put this nicely, Grow Some Balls ;)

Don't send her over there on Sundays anymore by herself or without your supervision.

If it were me I would no longer let her go over there. A toddler should not be drinking diet coke although the bigger issue isn't a coke its the lack of respect for your authority as her mother. What you say goes concerning your child regardless of whos house she is in. Controlling parents drive me nuts! You might as well fight this battle now before it gets worse and your just fuming over other things in the years to come. Your daughter will also learn what she can and can't have whether your around or not. Send her an e-mail if you don't feel comfortable speaking with her and your husband should back you up! GL

I'm sorry, but I would cut her off from unsupervised long visits if she can't respect your rules as her parent. My general rules as a parent (moderation in soda, sweets) overrules anyone's house rules because that is my child's best interest. I would tell her with a respectful tone, "I'm sorry "name" but until you can respect that I don't allow "child's name" to have soda, chips, and sweets all the time and that she is 2 and can't just do whatever she wants she will not be going to your house for long visits. I'm not trying to raise an out of control child".
If MIL wants to visit with her take her over there and stay or she can come to your house, but I wouldn't be keeping the long visits that your not there because just letting her do whatever she wants? What's next? Oh she's in the hospital, well she said she wanted to stuff 10 marshmallows in her mouth. Oh she has a broken leg, well she wanted to jump on the bed.

You don't just let a child do whatever they want b/c sometimes what they want is dangerous or unhealthy for them.

Well this is a no brainer. You know that.

MIL is not the parent.
She is doing what she damn well pleases with your daughter. The Diet Coke is only one example. But I am sure there are other instances in which you know nothing about.

You simply do not send your daughter there anymore.

And you have to speak up.
MIL sounds like a Bully.
Just speak up to her.
If she doesn't like it, too bad.

What you did not mention in your post, is HOW DID your Husband react when MIL drew her claws out and said that she can do whatever she wants with your daughter, while at her house????

You did not say, if your Husband agrees or not?
But it is obvious, that MIL scares everyone and thus, she IS A BULLY and knows it. She takes full advantage of it.
Because-- she.is.allowed.to.do.whatever.she.wants.to

So, that is how it will continue to be.
Or she will hate anyone who gets in her way. Or make trouble for them.
Because-- she.is.allowed.to.do.whatever.she.wants.to
So, her 'spectators' are guilty of allowing her to do so. Because no one does anything, to correct her.
Thus, that is how it will continue to be.

Thus, she "rules the roost" and everyone in it.
And she knows it.
Hence, that is how a Bully, is created.

Everyone can rationalize away, why or why not a 2 year old should have soda or treats, and oh well MIL IS babysitting for you so be grateful... and oh well, she is your MIL so you better be nice.... and appreciate family etc. and oh well, you are just a 'helicopter parent', and oh well it is your problem because Grandparents can give all the treats they want to their Grandkids etc.
But the bottom line is: your MIL is a Bully and she NOW 'rules' your Daughter... and your Husband and probably you and your home when she is there too.
So, where does it end?
And when are you a parent when MIL is present?
And why keep sending your daughter there?
And if MIL gets pissed off, well too bad.
Every crazy bird, needs to get its wings clipped sometime.

MIL is the one that initiated Sunday visits.
You did not have to agree to it.
Now it is a bad habit. And MIL now 'expects' it.
So, now you have to end it.
You are the parent.
You have to stand up to her.
Or she will continue to control you/Hubby and your daughter.
Your Husband as you said, is already too scared to talk to her or confront her.
But you both have to speak up.

A 2 year old, having a Can of caffeine at this age, is like a drug.
She can get hooked on caffeine too, just like an adult.
KNOW that.
And, do you actually know... how many cans a day your daughter drinks????
Caffeine in a young child like this... is really not appropriate.
I have read so many studies on it.... even in Teens, too much caffeine causes a host of potential behavioral issues.

Really, a 2 year old hooked on Diet Coke?

I would be pissed, if that were my MIL.

My daughter is 8 and we don't even give her soda.

As your MIL said about your Daughter: "she can do whatever she wants when she is at our house"
So, whether it is Diet Coke or anything else, you are at the whim of MIL.
And you are not a parent, once your daughter is there.
You are not valid, at MIL's house.
I'm sure it is not only with Diet Coke, that this is happening.

**This link, delineates how much caffeine is in various beverages:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/caffeine/AN01211

If I were in your position, I would put my foot down. If she doesn't like to follow your rules, then she doesn't need to have your daughter visit. I could understand if she only had her once in a while then I would probably just let it go, but she has her EVERY Sunday. If your husband doesn't have balls big enough to tell his mom, then you need to. Or you just need to tell her that it is not working out and you are going to keep her home form now on. I am with you, there is no reason a 2 year old needs to be drinking a whole bottle of soda. I don't give me 8 an 9 year olds a whole bottle of soda on a regular basis. It is not good for them. Does she get her nap while she is over there?

I agree with Amom2. Just don't send her over there anymore. I also think you might want to consider discussing this with your husband and coming to some sort of agreement regarding rearing your children. Because this will not be the end of this, even if she doesn't go over there. Grandma doesn't seem to respect the authority that you as your children's mother has over your own children. You and your children don't automatically lose the dynamic of your relationship (you are the primary authority over your daughter) just because you are in someone else's home.

You have a 2.5 year old and a MIL running the show. These would have been opportunities to not stay silent but have your daughter respect you and know that you are always in charge....might teach MIL as well. If they can't comply, abandon mission and go home. Don't be afraid to speak up, you are the mom!

I think she is trying to exert power over you. Things will get worse.
Just curious--why does she only want to keep the 2-year-old? Does this bother the 7-year-old?

Well, I understand that there is "special treatment" at grandma's house. God knows I had a ball at my grandma's! But that special treatment means things are a little more relaxed, I get doted on and get full attention (because they didn't work or do chores with me around, except cooking my favorite dinners and homemade icecream or chocolate cream pie). It meant I got to play in the vegetable garden and mulch boxes, get a million stories told to me, watch funny home videos, and stay up late to go skating with cousins....only to come back and see grandma sitting up waiting for me with crackers and sliced cheese or orange sherbet and we would talk as if we were the only 2 people in the world. The "being at Grandma's thing" does not mean getting a 2 year old soda with aspertame (poison) and chips all by herself and the mom being told off if she says something.
If it were me, we just wouldn't send her over there if they don't respect my rules. That she didn't let YOU, her MOTHER, say "no" and corrected you IN FRONT OF YOUR DAUGHTER would end in a fight if it were me. Hands down. It's one thing to not do the same things at her house when you're not there. But for her to undermine your authority as mom in front of your child, that is absofreakinglutely unacceptable!
I was very protective (possibly over protective, but that is for me to be as mom) of my first son. He was a preemie. I was trying to go "by the book" on his diet and routine because (a) I had no experience with babies, (b) he was a preemie and I just needed some "control", (c) I was watching other issues. He was 5 weeks old, weight about 6 lbs, was being breastfed and I was "adding" formula to it to make sure he got enough because I was scared that he was so little. Diet and sleep were BIG to me. My aunt wanted to sleep with him and hang with him and I said ok, but laid down the rules for eating. She wanted to feed him egg. I said absolutely not, he drinks the bottle prepared for him in the fridge. I left for a little bit, and came back and caught her red handed trying to put a BEIGNET in his mouth! He grimaced and spit the powdered sugar everywhere. I didn't fuss at her, but I calmly and firmly said "I said he will eat what is in the fridge" and gave him the bottle. Now 4 years later, he has never been alone with her again. Same thing is true of my dad. Yes, we may have been at his house, but he knowingly broke 2 rules in 1 day (and not as a grandparent does it and it's ok, but all sneaky and being stupid about it)....he's asked many times to keep my son for a weekend, and I flat said "remember when you laughed at me and said what I wanted to do with him was stupid? remember when you hid 2 things from me and I found out later? I don't care if you agree with me, but if I can't trust you to RESPECT what I am doing as a parent, then I can't trust you with my child". He's since apologized for laughing at us, he's proud of how the boys are thriving, happy, and excelling, and he promises to follow my requests from now on. We let him hang with the kids for an hour or so alone now, and that can build up as my trust builds. Now then again, I don't get the "benefit" of a break because I don't send my kids over there for long days.

I'll chime in as a grandma. When my grandchildren are at my house they haave different rules than they do at home. Here they can stay up later. There aren't any chores to do. They have 100% of my time and attention and I do cater to them a lot more than their mom and dad. However I do not load them up on junk food. It's not healthy and unfair to them. Yes I'll give them 3 cookies after they've finished their meal instead of the 2 mommy gives but no chips, soda, candy, etc unless it's a treat after they finish a meal.

I think you need to have a chat with your mil concerning your daughter's behavior. It's disrespectful that she helps herself to things at your mil's house. While I can understand that grandma wants to be 'the good guy' in this situation a 2 1/2 yr old should not be in charge of things.

Stand your ground on minimizing the amounts she receives, or decrease the frequency of the visits. You're in the right here and your husband ought to be backing you up, not backing his mother. Even if you were wrong you husband ought to be backing you up and not his mother. ;-)

Arm yourself with knowledge about how the ingredients in these food and drink products are harmful to small children and how they promote childhood obesity and diabetes. How once that happens, they're far more likely to become obese teens and adults, with much higher risk for having diabetes as adults as well.

I get having more relaxed rules and more treats at Gramma's house than at home. My mom and my MIL always have treats that we don't have at home and I have an internal struggle every single time. But they've both learned to check with me because one of my daughters specifically has a restricted diet for some very serious reasons and veering away and letting her have HFCS, chemical food dyes, dairy, etc. could result in some serious illness and some really horrible behaviors to boot. I know how much to offer in moderation and when I can offer a replacement/substitute.

It took a while to get there. It took my daughter hurling in my MIL's mouth, actually. That was an amazing day.

Oh no she didn't!!! You are right in this situation. Two year olds helping themselves to soda?? No way Jose! My MIL and my mother respect totally my wishes when it comes to my children, their diet, their discipline, their routine etc. If she won't stop the bad grandparenting, keep your daughter at home.

Without reading your other responses - mine is NO WAY! Although a little "spoiling" at Grandma's is OK in moderation, we're talking about what is going into my child and diet coke isn't something I'd ever want my child to have. If you decide that this is the case, your MIL should respect your wishes. Although you shouldn't have to go into a long explanation about the harmful effects of the ingredients/caffeine on a child's BRAIN, I would make it my business to do so and btw, your husband should back you up. So when your daughter is at Grandma's and she wants to play with matches and set the house on fire, it's OK because she can do whatever she wants at Grandmas? No, sorry, she won't be able to come over your house unless I'm there to supervise. Sorry Grandma, you're wrong!

First of all, when a parent is present, what the parent says goes, not the grandparent, even if they are at the grandparent's house. Secondly, even if you allow her a sip of soda or a soda at a party, if anyone fed DIET soda to a young child, I would never allow them to watch my child again. Who on earth would think that diet soda with artificial sweeteners are appropriate for children? If MIL thinks it's okay to allow diet products for a toddler, I'd question what other stupid, unhealthy or possibly unsafe things she'd allow and probably determine that she's not someone who I'd want watching my kids. Keep the toddler home.

Both or neither...doesn't matter who is right. What matters is doing what is best for your daughter and stopping the madness. It is perfectly understandable for her to follow MIL's rules of the house when she is there (within reason and if there were any); however, she is YOUR child and your rules dictate WHAT she can have and YOU are the final authority regarding your child (especially when you are sitting right there).

Since this is your MIL, I would talk to your hubby first and then the two of you should speak to her together. Explain that you love her having your daughter for a little while on Sunday's so they have time to bond but because of your daughter's behavior when she comes home, something has to change. Explain that she needs to immediately begin to have some kind of structure or at least enforce some rules or the visits will have to be limited. Tell her that you need her help in promoting healthy eating habits. Explain while you appreciate that "Grandma give treats" and are fine with that, you need to establish what "treats" should be and how much is too much. A sip of Grandma's Diet Coke is ok, but the whole thing is not. A cookie is ok but the whole box is not. Tell her that while you want to encourage their relationship, you need her to help your daughter by lovingly guiding her behavior. I personally don't think a can of Diet Coke (or even half of it) is an acceptable treat for a toddler. Fruit juice, lemonade, flavored milk, punch sure but no soda.

Since she wants to take your daughter for their special time I don't consider that "free babysitting". ****EDIT**** Regardless of her being a steo-grandparent to your 7 yr old, she is stil a grandparent to your children and should treat them all as her own!

MIL is a control freak. Stop letting her control you.

I'm sorry, but when did you stop being the parent and the deciding factor here? Are you really going to let your MIL talk to you that way? Tell you that your 2 year old is in charge and can do whatever she wants including have diet coke ???? If it were me, I would have looked her dead in the eye and said....Excuse me ______ but this is MY child and I make the rules about what is OK and what is NOT OK for her to have. You don't have the right to undermine me as a parent and in the future--we need to talk about some ground rules for her. Please respect me as a parent enough to let me handle this and to set some boundaries with my daughter while she is at your house.

As far as talking to your hubby about it??? YES. He needs to be involved in this too. This needs to change asap or you are going to have a much bigger problem on your plate. GL!!!

* One more thing---please insist she gives your daughter a nap! If she is coming home tired and cranky each sunday, something is horribly wrong there! Take care of your daughters needs first and don't worry about the MIL reaction. You can't control it or predict it.

M

A treat for a 2 yo old is a cookie, not a can of diet soda. Stand up for yourself and tell her no more soda. No questions about it.

If your MIL's philosophy is "she can do whatever she wants when she is at our house" then stop letting her go over there.

You certainly cannot barge into someone's house and "get rid of all of their soda and/or diet drinks" as O. suggested! Hellloooo....they can have whatever they please in their own fridge.

IF you think it's possible to have a convo with her explaining that the extra sugar makes her hyper and suggest alternatives...try that.

But, seriously, is she over there all day eating sweet after soda after sweet or does she take a sip or two & the rest gets dumped? You need to have a really realistic view of exactly to WHAT extent this is happening before you leap.

Good luck!

p.s. I also agree that the nap might be the bigger issue as to why she is SO crabby. It's no "favor" to get a kid returned after a day worn out, tired and nasty!

it may be her house, her rules...but diet coke for a 2 year old is NOT acceptable - sorry - it's not even acceptable for an adult (in my opinion - people talk about things that are bad - DIET drinks are the WORST!!!!)

This is NOT about sucking it up. This is about your MIL respecting your daughter's HEALTH!!!

At home - you will set the rules for your daughter. DO NOT BEND! DO NOT GIVE IN!! LET HER THROW THE TANTRUM!!! DO NOT GIVE IN!!! Rules and boundaries MUST be set...NO means NO...doesn't matter how much she pitches a fit or how many times she asks - NO. Put her in a time out or in her room until she can behave like a young lady and not a heathen (that's what I tell my kids...i know it sounds mean - but they KNOW I mean business)...you are setting yourself up for a long time of heartache and fights if you don't put your foot down now - especially with your 7 year old who will start working you when they find out that a 2 year old can get away with it - and the 7 month old? He'll start paying attention and learning from them - is this really how you want your life to be? if not - say NO and mean NO and stick to it.

If it helps get rid of ANY diet coke or diet product in YOUR house. That is just nasty stuff (sorry - but it's just bad, bad, bad).

I'm sorry, it won't be easy and it will be insane for a week or two until she gets it. YOU are her mother, not her friend. NO MEANS NO.

I would suggest letting your daughter pick out some special juice or juice boxes to bring to grandma's. I am far from a health nut but diet coke? too many chemicals and the caffeine. My kids occasionally get soda as a treat but no caffeinated beverages or diet stuff.

If nice doesn't work you can keep your daughter home for a week or two.

Your husband should step in. It's his mother and his child.

Rules are rules and DC is a NO NO in our house. I love it and drink it but my 2.5 year old only has water, milk and occasional juice. If I take her McDonalds and she wants a drink of my DC I will let her but its limited to a couple sips. If you are worried about the DC, purhaps you could buy your MIL some Caffeine free Root beer or Sprite..that works

Ya I can't say I'd be too happy about the diet coke! My son is almost 4 and he only gets soda on RARE occasion's and its usually watered down- as nasty as that sounds. You could ask your MIL to please no longer give it to her, because chances are, she is probably having more than 1 while there. And instead take some juice boxes over there. Ask your MIL to give those to her instead. Get a variety, so that your daughter has some selection. And if your MIL won't listen, then you may have to stop visits for a little while. She should respect what your wishes are. My sister is similar with my son, in that he can do whatever he wants with her. However, if I ask her not to or to do something specific, she listens. And your MIL should as well. Good luck

Print something out about how bad soda is for any of us, and just let MIL know that you dont want your child drinking the poison. "Mom, she's only 2, please dont let her have soda anymore, maybe when she's older but not right now"... seems like that should work.

When my MIL took my kids I never TOLD her how to do anything, she was doing me a huge favor. She had already raised a family of her own, including my husband, whom I obviously loved :)
If your daughter (you?) can't handle a little diet coke and chips, then don't expect the free babysitting.
I know that sounds harsh, but honestly?!
And yes, we had no soda or candy at home, so I get that you don't "approve."
EDIT:I just saw Momma F's answer "controlling parents drive me nuts" and yet that is exactly what she is saying you should be, think about it!!!
I was there when grandma first gave my son McDonald's fries, around 16 months old, yes I cringed, but it's GRANDMA for Pete's sake!
The kids were always a little more wound up after some time at grandma and grandpa's but nothing we couldn't get over after a good night's sleep.
If someone had offered to take one of my kids for the day EVERY WEEK at age of two they could have fed them whatever they wanted to, outside of drugs or alcohol of course ;)
Just think about how important that Sunday is for YOU and decide whether or not it's worth the hassle.

I think you need to have a discussion about nutrition, naps and any other issues with MIL when your daughter is not present. In reality DH should do it but he won't you're stuck. Listen to what MIL has to say - maybe she doesn't know how to say no to your daughter or is not comfortable being the 'bad guy' when she has limited time with the child. Maybe your daughter says - 'but mommy let's me' and MIL doesn't want to contradict you. After you have really listened, you need to let MIL know what is acceptable and what is not. You may both actually feel better after this conversation. If the outcome is not acceptable, you need a back up plan, such as having MIL visit on Sundays at your house. This may really be more fair to your 7 year old who sounds like s/he is missing out on grandma time.

And I certainly would NOT recommend switching TO a sugar loaded soda. Water would be a good choice. Or milk. Have your MIL look at either the myplate.gov or American Academy of Pediatrics sites for some up to date nutritional recommendations. She may feel better knowing you are not being 'stubborn', you are trying to raise a healthy child.

Lots of great responses you have received here. I wanted to say, please have a talk with MIL, tell her what is acceptable/ unaceptable for your children. Grandparents are awesome, they are a support system that our children need UNTIL they cross the line (so to speak) I have great in-laws that used to load my daughter up on juice, this onset right away my daughter's erratic behaviour. I have spent endless nights researching about my children's healthies diet (not losing weight diet but rich food diet) I told MIL the foods that she was never to give my children, and the ones that would be ok as a treat. Yes, we all treat our children once in a while but for sure as heck my children know I make the rules, I am the caregiver and knows better about health and foods. I also told MIL if she couldn't respect my wishes (obviously I said it in a sweet manner) then my children' couldnt' come visit her by themselves.
I had to be very firm with FIL and rude a couple of times but he got the message, he understood I would flip if they ever feed my daugter a soda or mcdonnals, I swear I would be livid and they wouldn't see my children that's how much I care for their diet. Same goes for things allowed at their home: stay up until whenever at night, say rude things, leave all their belongings on floor for grandma to pick up...unacceptable bahaviors. Good luck !

I think the MIL is right on one hand. You don't know what she is getting when you are not there. It does not matter what you say, she will do what she wants anyway. Every Sunday IS once in a while. So, if it bothers you then don't let her have pop at home and then on Sunday it will be a huge treat.

Sugar free drinks are REALLY REALLY bad for little kids. Her behaviors could easily be due to the artificial sweeteners or the dyes and additives in the pop. Have her switch it to Sprite or 7-Up. Real drinks, NOT sugar free and see if there is a huge difference because I think it will be like night and day.

Present it to her like this..."She is not sleeping for hours after coming home and is wound up tight. Can I bring over some Sprite or 7-up for her to have when she's there?" If it's okay then let your little one take her own pop.

Google red dye 40. It is one of the worst additives you can put in a kids body. The other additives are pretty bad too. They cause horrid behaviors in a lot of kids that get singled out in school as behavior problem kids. Once they eliminate red dye 40 and some of the other additives they become different children.

So, in my opinion, a pop is NOT worth causing a fight with the MIL. She raised your hubby and did a fine job of it. She also is not stupid and knows that a pop is not a big deal. She has many years experience on you and you could take that into consideration before condemning her.

Should she try to abide by your wishes? Of course, but to her a pop is just a drink, as it is to many of us. Tell her no sugar free, no red dye 40, and no caffeine.

You can express how alarmed you are at your daughter's condition after time with MIL, and you can propose changes and limitations that you WISH your MIL would observe. She may or may not be receptive – probably less so if you make it a power issue between you and focus on what SHE does wrong. It would be far better to focus on what YOU need and hope for.

It may also help to have some actual scientific evidence that food colors and additives can be harmful, especially to young children. Sodas are called 'liquid candy' by some nutritionists, and one can of regular soda contains the equivalent of 10 teaspoons of sugar. Aspartame in diet sodas is converted in the body to a compound that is believed to cause significant nerve damage in susceptible individuals. Artificial colors and preservatives are known to make hyper kids measurable more hyper. And of course the high salt and fat content of chips is known by almost everybody to be unhealthy, and even addictive. But many, many people are simply not open to any science that contradicts their habits or beliefs.

If she is not going to change, then it's up to you and your husband to decide whether to allow the Sundays at gramma's to continue. The two of you will really have to be in agreement about this.

And if your MIL knows that that's what your choice will ultimately come down to, she may be more willing to make some allowances for "your way."

Good luck. These generational differences are tricky. Do your best to understand that your MIL hasn't had to question "her way" for a long time, though it's awfully hard to imagine that she gave her own toddlers diet sodas and chips. She is probably using treats like these as rewards and love bribes to elicit behavior from your daughter that pleases her. But if that's the best she can do, time with gramma should be limited for your daughter's well-being.

I don't think you should have to "suck it up" because she watches your daughter for free. She needs to respect your wishes or not take her I say. I also think treats in moderation is fine but do you know how bad diet pop is since it has fake sugar in it. Google it. I think it's aspartame. It's not good for anyone!

You are the mom, you get to set limits for your children no matter where they are. I would tell mil that the child is not allowed to have soda, and only have treats in moderation, or that the child will no longer be allowed to spend sundays with her. A 2 year old child should not be drinking entire cans of diet soda, it is bad for her health and growth!

we have an overly indulgent gramma too. im grateful for her, but also grateful we only get it in small doses.

It's so hard sometimes as a grandmother staying with the grandkids not to veto the parents. I try and respect my daughters wishes. Before my grandson was born she said she didn't want him to have soda. But then I see her giving him sips of coffee. She likes these sugar loaded, whip cream topped things. Then I find my mother giving him black coffee and I find my husband giving him tea. He really doesn't want these things as much as he wants to be like us. Well, Monsters are my drug of choice.

None of us are giving him large amounts, but only sips of these things. It's just that I waited a long time and until I saw that she was violating her own rules before I just gave in. I give my grandson about 1/2 inch in the bottom of one of his cups and he loves it. I mix a little apple juice in it too so that he just thinks he has it some of the time. He'll be 2 next month.

There are other issues. She says, get him off the bottle. But then after I've been with him 10 hours or even the last 24 hours with her running all over town between work, school, and boyfriend, ... I've kept him bottle free and put up with all his little tantrums and melt-downs... Then she comes home and because she's tired she gives him a bottle.

I don't know a parent alive that doesn't give in to their own children sometimes. When my kids were little I avoided giving them candy and almost never did so that it wouldn't be a big deal with my mother gave them some. It's give and take. Try and realize that her meltdowns are more related to the mental energy she's used up running all over grandmas house with no rules. It's not nearly what she ate as much as the busy afternoon that has her tired. I'm on the receiving end of that all the time. I spend more time with my grandson than my daughter. So on days she doesn't have work or school, she runs him all over town, keeps him out past his naptime and brings him back exhausted and cranky. I deal with it as she runs off to do something else or works a night shift or studies upstairs.

It's all good.

Ugh, makes me glad my inlaws are far away, because the MIL has it in her to do this :) We have had situations when they visit and I don't recommend this, but found that I would only confront when I was ready to snap! There was one time (of many) that she was over-feeding my son to the point of him gagging. I asked her to only feed him a certain amount and she said "oh, it's good for him...it's okay". That was IT for me, I snapped and said "Alice I am with my son everyday and know his limit, he reached it a looooong time ago...now please, will you do as I ask? I'm trying to be nice here, and I'm not happy AT ALL about this"! I left the room so my husband and FIL could deal with it and it has never happened again. You gotta press on as Mom, even when Grandma is taking over... It will make life easier! Try using a sense of humor too... Might work before you have to pull out the big guns :) Good luck!

She's your child, not the g-mas. Just b/c she's a guest in the house doesn't mean she's allowed if you say different. The MIL should respect you & by undermining you, she's "showing who's boss". I'd stand firm & say again, she's not allowed to have junk food, diet coke, etc. If the MIL is one who's a total witch w/a B about being "THE BOSS" & you hafta watch how you say things, then try something like "While I appreciate that, I prefer to monitor what she eats & drinks..." & see if that helps but I'd definitly not keep my mouth shut if I were in the same situation. Good luck.

Who cares who is right or wrong though my opinion neither are.

The only issue is whether or not she continue to go over to her grandmas on Sunday. If you don't like the behavior then stop letting her go but then you don't get your day off. If the day off is important then suck it up.

I feel your pain, but my MIL is a little more understanding, not that she likes it but she respects it. That is when mom is in the house she is the boss, even at Grandmas. Grammy gives them everything and anything they want, but if my husband and/or I are there, its our rules which include NO to soda, overeating, and sweets before dinner. She always points this fact out in a whiny tone to the kids, but at least she accepts it. :)

Maybe you could come to a compromise like this? Also I don't think its "Free babysitting" at all, shame on the mom that implied you were using your MIL. Its just family spending precious time together.