Seeking Help with Pre Teen

Hi M.~
I have a teenager, as well as 2 little ones and it really is 2 different worlds. Like one person said, we make sure the oldest is not responsible for the youngest and his space is not invaded by them. But I have a different approach that worked like a light switch for me! I read somewhere about 'emotional bank accounts' and that for our kids, spouses, etc. we need to make sure we are putting in more deposits than withdrawls. It seems simple, but I realized that I wasn't putting in sufficient deposits to withstand the stress of a withdrawl. It seemed like everything was a withdrawl. So I started trying to focus on where I could put a little deposit here and there and like magic my son and I started to be friends! As he gets older, I realized that I am not going to change who he is, or what motivates him and I am not going to make him into what I think he should be. I began to appreciate his identity and embrace his qualities, after all, just because I don't like something doesn't make it wrong. For instance, I still think he is a bit lazy, but that is who he is and he will fit his life around it and be successful at what fits him. My son, now 16, still disrespects me now and then, like all teenagers, but our relationship is different. I let go just a little bit and he stopped fighting so much to get out of my grip. Life truly got better once I started treating him just a litte more grown up!

Good luck with him!

It's amazing what showing your child some respect will do.

He's in a weird place right now...a transition from being a child to being a young man.

Give him space, and respect the boundaries he put in place (within reason of course)

I suggest sitting down with him and talking in a calm rational way. Ask him to be a "team" with you and your husband. Let him speak first. Ask him how he would like to be treated, what priveleges he would like (that he doesn't have now) what he thinks his responsibilities around the house should be. Then...YOU and Your HUSBAND negotiate with him. Work out a plan, if he knows ahead of time that if he doesn't for example Make his bed everyday that he will not be able to play his video games, or that he will lose a certain amount of allowance, he'll likely be more willing to make his bed.

I have 6 teens so really understand. what I found out is that you need to pick your battles. With my first I yelled at her non stop and now with my other teens it is just easier to nagotiate with them. If they become mouthy and disrespectful just remind them that being more respectful will give them more privledges. If they have a problem with that just walk away. When it comes to wanting to do something remind him that only when you respect me do you get those privledges. It works for me. And I have 6 teenagers. It is a pick and choose thing. Do you want to fight or not. It is really hard in the beginning especially when that is the way it has been handled but when you realize how angry you are getting and nothing is getting solved just take a deep breath and say to yourself...I refuse to fight about this...and tell him "you need to respect me and when you do you will get more privledges" It will start working. dont tell him what privledges just lease it as a general statement. Making it as a general statement leaves the door open to your conveniance.

Good luck and remember that this is normal. They are looking for that independance thing. Most kids do go through this.

god bless and good luck I hope this work

D.

I also have a 12 year old boy who has this problem from time to time. I also have much younger children 2, 3 and 5. I'm not sure what your expectations are of your 12 year old so I'll tell you what I try not to do and try to do and you can do the same if you're doing any of it.
First off, I try not to have my son "watch" his younger siblings. The only time I expect him to help is during dinner prep when I have to be in the kitchen. I only require this nights my husband is working late. So it's maybe once a week.
Second, if I'm out side with the little kids I don't expect him to play with them unless he wants to. He can watch TV if he hasn't watched much that day, read a book, draw or play his PSP if he hasn't had it glued to his hand all day.
Third, I don't allow the younger kids in his room EVER! He has one of those plastic safety handles that the little ones can't open on the door. Once they can get that open I'll get him a lock handle.
Forth, I make sure we plan activities that he'll enjoy. I love to take the kids to the park and the splash pad in Grand Blanc but lets face it, 12 year olds are about over that phase of life. This summer we went to Michigan Adventure for him. He went to Cedar Point. He spent last week at the YMCA camp and he's going to Kings Island later in July with my parents.
Fifth, I make sure I take him to a movie or something every now and then.
I guess you just have to make sure he is having fun and getting your undivided attention too. Sometimes it's hard when the other kids are so young but he deserves to have special activities too.
Good Luck and I hope things get better for you!

I went through the same challenges when my son was 12 thru 18, he didn't realize his disrespect towards us until he turned 18. Now our relationship is great. But, he is not close to his younger sister, with whom I never had a problem with. I have always believed that the ages 12-18 are the crucial ages,in which most children go through a change in their personal lives. Its a new world for them physically and mentally challenging, peer pressure is setting in, and for us as parents, it like riding along in a roller coaster, until adulthood. You'll have to stay firm, until he eventually shows you respect, no yelling, that will just fuel the fire. In the meantime you will have to try and have quiet talks with your son on what is going on with him. If he isn't overbearingly defiant try not to yell too often, and maybe at times, just try to have a one on one outting together, walking, talking, home games, McDonald's or his favorite place to go sometimes. Does your son have interest in any school activities? Some children just want to be different from the rest of the family members no matter how hard that you try to set a perfect family example. As long as you and your husband are presenting good family values, not trying to be your son's friend, only his parents, he will respect that someday. Is he jealous of his 2 year old sister? Try not to compare or show favoritism between the sibblings, no matter how much you may not have a problem with your daughter, it will still affect your son if she is given a lot of attention.

Watching my brother's relationship with my mom, having my own son (who's not 12 yet) and talking to my husband about his defiance as a teen, I believe that working to have a good relationship with your son can help. I think they act out more when they don't get enough attention. "Bad attention" is better than "no attention". Good luck!

Start having family meetings. Sit him down at a place where you can discuss any problems. Just let him know that you love him and are concern with his behavior and actions. As a family we all have a part to make our home run smoothly. Your dad and I have noticed some changes in you and want to find out what going on or what your concerns. If he don't want to talk then but let him know you are there for him. You are concern with everything he is going through. Do it in a more calmer voice. I hope it help a little.