Stepdaughter Blues (13 Yr Old)

T.,
I can relate to you well. I have a stepdaughter, she is 14th now and adopted her last year. I have similar issues with the lies and excuses for everything. The best thing I have tried and is working is get closer to her and show I care and rewarding her instead of punishing. I understand you husband's response to the situartion but he needs to bond a little with her so she doesn't feel left out. I have two other kids from my first marriage and I think she was reacting and crying for attention by telling lies. My advise is show her love.
Marie

I am a stepmother to a 13 1/2 yo girl also. She has been living with us since Jan. 2003. Her mother moved out of state. Anyway, we are going through the lying, hiding, stealing also. I have found food in her room and under her bed. Eventhough we don't seriously restrict what she eats. I try to limit the sweets, but the food I found were applesauce containers and other fruit containers. It was confusing. Punishing isn't working for us either. She is seeing a psychologist. I unfortunately think it is the age. I hate that "excuse", but it might be true. If you want to talk more, my home email is ____@____.com & work is ____@____.com

How long has she seen the psychiatrist? Are you in family counceling or just her? Have you discussed specific behavioral concerns with the psychiastrist and asked for a plan of action?

I'm sorry you're going through this. That's a lot for both her and everyone else. I have to wonder if part of it was how she was raised prior. Does she see her father as a parent? She had little contact with him for years, so I have to wonder what her POV is right now. Do you have any contact with her grandparents or anyone who could tell you if these behaviors are recent or a long-term pattern?

Oh, so much could be going on with her! But, on top of that - oddly - I'd say her behavior is 'normal' compared with my boys. Each child requires something different (even between my two) and do this for a different reason. I haven't figured out why my 15 yr old still sometimes does this, to be honest. And my 11 yr old is a type one "Juvenile" Diabetic that does this. They tell me it's normal at this age.

But, if she's been in as hard and needy position before coming to you as it sounds, hers makes since. On top of feeling as if she has to provide for herself and take care of her self, she is grieving (still) and *desperate* for *any* -and ALL- attention from her dad. No matter how you deal with this, I would presume to say that you have a LONG road ahead of you with her.

We took to keeping most of the food in the basement behind locked door (don't get me wrong, we have cereal etc available and a tin of what my son needs if his sugars drop low) but the insane cycle in our house is that the older son will eat what the diabetic *NEEDS* and the diabetic will eat things bought for the baby so that there's nothing left to give her! Makes us *C-R-A-Z-Y*! We're even considering a lock on the fridge at night. My point is: I understand your feelings. We have to also protect the little ones -and our budget; and their health- from this.

I agree with your husband telling her that she is behaving as a liar and a thief. She is. However, in her case I doubt that it is from sheer meanness. I think it's the desperate emotions that she doesn't understand- much less understand what to do with, or how to express, handle, manage. Getting her into counseling was a good call. Limiting how much of what kinds of foods come into the house may be needed for now. Checking her room regularly may help. Talking to her and trying to express safety, acceptance and love may be big keys. I would mention to your husband that the negative response to her only seems to be elevating the problem and may (in time) only leave her desperately angry at your younger children, leaving her to strike out at them emotionally or psychologically or physically in the future. I don't believe that's his goal. I would take into consideration all she's been through and what she may still be going through. Maybe he can arrange times alone with her. She's desperate for positive feelings right now. He's the key.

May God give you knowledge and wisdom to know how to bring this situation to a positive resolution!

to cover the food issue some children do that when there was a lack at some point they worry that there wont be any so have a stock pile. dont yell at her for that it was most likey a survival mechanism that she had to have. talk to her about it and maybe give her a box or a place where she can store these items. it will take some time for her to adjust to the fact that food is not something that she needs to hide that it will be available to her when she is hungry. it sounds like she did have it rough alot of love affection encouragement and the walls will come down. therapy is great it may take some time for her and you guys to find a therpist that she can really open up to. give it time i know its hard right now but stand by her and the walls will come down. good luck

Dear T.,

You sound like the best thing that ever happened to this girl. I mean it -- she is extremely lucky to be in your care. It sounds as though she didn't have enough to eat before; I think that's why she is hoarding food. If she had nothing (in the way of material possessions) when she came, that might also be why she is stealing. She is not used to being cared for.

I think the best thing for her would be for her father to give her lots of affection (and you too, of course, but you're already doing that). If he could spend some time with her and make her feel secure, that would help with her behavior overall. She is someone who has been through a lot, I expect, and being mean or angry with her will be more of what she's had in the past, not something that will change her.

It seems as if it would be alienating for her to watch your husband enjoy his other kids, while treating her like an outsider. She might think, "he doesn't care about me -- I have to take care of myself" as a justification for taking what she can.

I'm sure it will be hard to make her feel loved and at home, but I think if you can, her behavior will improve a lot. I'm glad she's going to a psychiatrist.

You're doing great!

Poor child, her life has been completely upended. It's no wonder she is stealing...she's setting things aside just in case she loses her home again (in her mind). Also, who knows the environment in which she was being reared was like...she may not always have known where her next meal was coming from.

Right now, your stepdaughter needs love and the knowledge that she is secure in her new home. Your husband isn't helping the situation by punishing a behavior that may not really be within her control.

You are doing the right thing by getting her psychiatric help. You may also want to consider family therapy, because the abrupt introduction of a stranger into your midst has no doubt been disruptive. Your children are suddenly sharing your time and attention with another person.

Good luck to you.

Oh no. Please, this is a cry for attention from her father. Don't let him avoid her when she needs him the most. Consider what she has been through! My goodness. After all, she is only 13. People make mistakes, and I think a lot of this has to do with unresolved issues with their divorce, the death of her mother, resentment for the new children in his life, and the acclimation to a new "mom" figure. Please be patient with her, and look into some really good counselors for her. I know a great one named Draa Thompson. He is awesome. What she may need is one on one daddy time. You don't really know what life was even like for her when she lived with her mother. Is having food in her room really a dealbreaker for having a relationship with her? At least you are a little understanding. Don't let your husband see this in black and white, it is far too complicated a situation for that.

Hi T.. Sorry about your situation - I would strongly suggest that you, your husband and your daughter attend counseling together immediately. If she is stealing things like food, it seems to me she is afraid of not having enough, even though you know that she will not starve. If your husband, her father, is being mean to her, he's only making things worse. Think back to how horribly dramatic even the little things were when you were 13 - most of us didn't know how we would make it through back then. She is obviously having a very hard time dealing with the death of her mother (wouldn't anyone), her new home, new siblings and new mother. It's a lot for anyone to take in and handle - a 13-yr old can't be expected to dig in her heels and make the best of it without a lot of help and a lot of patience. Best of luck.

Well i don't have a 13 year old, but i remember being one, and had friends like that. My first guess is that she is stealing becuase she thinks what she has there is not hers, also for attention, whether it be bad or good. So i would have a "talk" and get her to understand that lying and cheating is wrong and that she will always be loved no matter what and always have whatever she needs (ie food, clothes). Also spend some extra time with her, one on one time is best for troubled kids i think, because its easier to open up to just one person instead of a bunch. So if you are willing to do that, i think you would have a chance. Spend some girl time with her and constantly remind her you love her and give her lots of hugs (even if she doesn't want them, take them)and love. Hope this helps :-)

If she had a difficult time with her mother, I really think she needs counseling. It sounds like she maybe she didn't have regular meals and support. She really needs to work with things that happened in the past. Punishing her and telling her she is a thief likely won't help. Make sure she knows that she can eat when she is hungry. Don't with hold food and give her lots of reinforcment/positive comments when she is eating appropriately with the family/ doing appropriate behaviors. I would keep working with the psychiatrist and give her lots of love and support. Good luck to you.

It may help to have the police get involved just enough to scare her. And your husband needs to step up to the plate and be the girl's father, for crying out loud she's just lost her mother! This is a confusing time for her and his rejection of her isn't helping her...May I suggest you try to get him to go to counseling with her?

If your step-daughter is hiding/stealing/lying about food, there is something more going on then just general teenage angst. Counseling is the right thing to do but in addition, she also needs the help and support of her parents, and now that includes you. Coupled with the fact that she has been ripped from the only life she has only known, no matter how terrible, she is a teenager, with all the terrifying, uncomforatble problems that encompasses. Her mother is dead, she is reaching out in the only manner she knows how. Imagine how you would feel if your mother passed away right now. Now subtract all the years you have spent together, all the wisdom you have as an adult, all the self-security your relationships with your husband, children, and friends have given you. What's left? A scared little girl who doesn't think she has anyone to turn to. You and your husband's choices now will affect the woman she will become, the relationships she will have (not just with men, but with everyone), and the mother she will some day be. I wouldn't abandon one strategy over the other, she needs professional help along side parental love, understanding and support. I wish you all the best, you will be in my thoughts.

I could go on and on about the relationship between a father and a daughter, but the bottom line is that your husband needs to go to couseling too! If he doesn't learn the right way to deal with her, he could ruin the rest of her life.

This is typical behavior for children who have been in tough situations, especially if she basically had to take care of herself. She's not stealing--she's making sure she'll have enough food, noney, etc, because her mom wasn't reliable (even though you are--she learned this behavior over 13 years time--it won't go away just ebcause she's in your house). She needs counseling and so does your husband. Punishing her won't work--these behaviors could go on for awhile--so you all need some coping strategies.

Good luck.

Wow - I feel for you with this. Sorry if this is a repeat cos I didn't get a chance to read all responses. I was once a step Mom to 3 kids ages 9, 15 and 17. I got alot of support and good information from a website just for step parents www.steptogether.org Keep it in your favorites and refer to it often. I'm sorry to say but this is not the only thing that will come up. My BIGGEST mistake - I tried to parent these children when they had little guidance , direction, discipline from their biological parents. I realized too late that only the biological parents can and should do that. Even Dr. Phil will say that discipline, correction, enforcement of rules can only be done by the biological parents. But as was my situation - if the relationship between parent and child is a disfunctional one to begin with - how ya gonna have your rules respected when you haven't built a positive relationship and have the kid's respect? It's really hard to do this late in life - but I think therapy IS a great place to start. Dad and Daughter have to have a relationship before she's going to respect his rules.

Hey T.!

Is it just food she is stealing? If so, I'm thinking that maybe she steals it because she feels she won't have it at some point and is "stock piling." Do you know what I mean? Maybe when she was with her mom, there was such a "lack of" that she's afraid it will happen with you all. I think you all need to sit down with her, fnd out the root of the problem and address it from there. The way her father is acting, is not cool. Everyone needs some type of mediator/counselor to work through this. It's also an adjustment period for her seeing as how she hasn't really been around him for 10 years or so.

Depending on what area you live in, I know an AWESOME family counselor.

D.

Hi T.,

I first want to commend you on reaching out for help for your stepdaughter, it is obvious that you care for her and wanted to be a part of her life even before her mom passed and wouldn't allow you and your husband to. The first thing that came in my head when I read your post is that you stated that "she wasn't in the best situation but, now we are trying to give her a better life." If she's only stealing food, it looks like maybe when she was living with her mother there may not have been enough food in the house and she may have never known if or when she was going to get her next meal. She may be so conditioned from that experience that feels she needs to steal/store/hide food in her room so that she doesn't have to go hungry. This is just speculation of course.

I suggest that your husband talks to her and doesn't accuse her but just assures her that you both love and are glad that she is living with you. You will take care of her and if she needs anything--food, clothes, shoes, etc. all she has to do is ask. Everything you all have belongs to everyone in the house and there's enough for everyone.

If the stealing doesn't stop, perhaps there's another underlying reason of which you may need outside help.

Hope this helps! I will pray for your situation to improve.

Have a Blessed Day!

The psychiatrist is the best idea. Hiding food sounds like where she came from that's what she had to do to survive. When I was younger an uncle moved in with my family along with his 3 children, making my household count rise to 7. Food goes fast with that many people and I used to stash food so that I could always have what I wanted. The two of you don't know what she had to live with. I suggest not being so hard on her. Wait to see what the therapist says. Not to judge your husband but under no circumstances should he ignore her, she is a child and she needs help. Calling her names does not help. Also you didn't mention anything other than food, we need food to live and she may feel that is the only way she can have it.

Hi T.!
First congrats on the addition to your family. First of all, remember she's 13 (time to be defiant or push the buttons to see how far you can go) But another thought is you said her previous situation wasn't the best, maybe she had to hide things to make sure she had food when she needed it. Plus food is comfort for alot of people. Maybe she still doesn't feel comfortable with you guys yet even though it sounds like you've done a lot to make her comfortable. Maybe just go for a walk or a drive just the two of you & voice your concerns. Ask her if there's anything you can do to help make her comfortable (plus no matter what kind of person she was, she did just lose her mom).
Just thoughts, I hope everything works out for everyone.

Okay, I agree with everyone that she is probably hiding food because she's been with out. But, now bare with me here, I just got out of a psych nursing class and I may be just running away with everything I learned: did you ever think she may be bulimic? Bulimics hord food and hide when they eat. They tend to be normal weight, if not a little overweight. Maybe you should look into that, too. It's probably what the majority of the responses have said, but it wouldn't hurt to "google" it.
Best of luck!

Dear T.,

My heart goes out to your step-daughter who lost her mother. I too have a 13 year old daughter, whom I love dearly and cannot bear the thought of not being around for her. I want to commend you on your loving and kind attitude to the new addition to your family. Your instincts are right on. Her life has been turned upside down and what she is probably craving is love from her dad, though she is going about it in the wrong way. Stealing is wrong and that is not my or your opinion, it's God's law, Exodus 20:15 Thou shalt not steal. These laws are for our protection and to keep order in our society. What kind of chaos would we have, if everybody stole what they wanted or felt they needed? Explain this to her lovingly and tell her she doesn't need to steal. Maybe you could think of a way to pay restitution when you catch her. In other words, if she steals, she must repay it or work off the cost, or perhaps cook what it is she stole. Please, try to help your husband see that she just wants his attention. Yes, she needs to quit stealing and pay restitution, but she is a hurting young girl.

Keep me posted and I hope I've been some help to you.

A. Klich

I think everyone involved needs to see some type of counselor, not just your daughter. All of you are in a difficult situation and the counselors(maybe not necessarily a psychiatrist) can tell you and your husband how to deal. Your husband just being mean to her obviuosly doesn't help things, it sound like he needs to step up and stop resenting her for what her mother did. And being 13 in the perfect situation these days is still extremely hard, let alone she had her mother die! and now she has to live with her dad that she hasn't seen in forever and now has a stepmom and a brother. No wonder she's acting out. I would hope with more love and attention instead of "buying her a lot" might help too.

Hi T.,

I'm happy to hear that you and your husband have considered counseling for your stepdaughter? I think that being thirteen is difficult enough and then suffering from the loss of her Mother, and moving to a new environment (albeit a better one) is extremely difficult. You're absolutely right that there are some things that can only be told by a parent, but, we parents oftentimes need guidance through challenging times. Perhaps a good family therapist can provide suggestions and strategies to your family on how to cope with a teen who has experienced trauma. Not knocking Psychiatrists, but they sometimes treat sypmtoms and not the patient. I think a holistic approach for your entire family would be best suited for this matter because it may help make your entire family closer. Punishment won't work for her because maybe she already feels, well, punished.

Just some thoughts.

C. N

Hi Amanda,
First of all I would like to commend you for stepping up as a step-parent and doing the right thing. Many step- parents could take a lesson from you.
As a child I went through a similar situation as your daughter.I was lucky enough though to be taken in by a friend of the family who knew me and cared about me. The problem was they had no idea how messed up my head was or how much hell I had really been through. They had no idea how to deal with my problems. I too hoarded food. I didn't really always know why because I was told that I could have anything that I wanted and it wasn't necessary for me to "sneak or steal" it but I couldn't stop feeling like I had to do it. I had had to sneak and steal food before because it was not always given to me and my siblings. My siblings were raised in a different household and yet I found out later they had done the same thing.
Your daughter is not a bad child...She has been mistreated and she does not feel safe. It will take a great deal of patience and love to earn her trust.
Her father needs to stop judging her as if she is "just like her mother" and get involved in helping his child to heal from the obvious trauma she has endured. I'm sure that she is in "culture shock" for one. She is not used to being in a "normal" home and family. She has lost the only life she has ever known and has no idea how to deal with that. Not to mention that I am sure she is looking at her father wondering why he has been there all the time providing this normal life for your children and not coming to save her. He needs to deal with his anger for her mother seperately and stop punishing his daughter. She is a child who is lost and hurt and feeling alone! My advice to you is to get couseling for yourself and your husband too.You've got to learn the best way to deal with your daughters problems and believe me the answer is not being mean or punishing her. Please please help her. She's not going to trust you for a long time but the more love and compassion you show her the better she will feel. She has to be able to learn that se's loved and that she is going to be taken care of in every way without being afraid or intimidated.Whatever happens now please do not give up on this young lady. She is a child first and foremost .A child who has been mistreatd by the one person who was supposed to love and protect her no matter what and instead traumatized her and put her through things no child should have to endure.
Again ,I want to tell you that I truly respect you as a step-parent for being the person you are. There are a lot of people who choose not to care in the situation you are in. You are a hero and someday that little girl is going to be a happy, healthy,strong and successful woman because of you.
If you'd like to talk privately my email address is ____@____.com Please feel free to contact me. Good luck and God bless you.

You are punishing the girl for doing those things that have allowed her to survive. Anyone who hides food in their room, does so to make sure that she has food.

Instead of punishing her, put some food in her room, show her that she will have a meal - constantly. As for the stealing, probably the same thing, she has had to steal to be able to get things. Again, show her that she can ask for things that she needs. Set her up with an allowance, and daily chores, that were based on the chores. Show her CONSISTANCE - that was what she lacked

T.,
When I was young my dad wasn't around and my mom had to work so I did't have a lot of personal attention. I would steal and lie out of lonliness. My imagination was very active as it would when your lonely and I did it for attention. This was years ago so I'm thinking back to what would have made me feel better. To keep it simple here is a list

1 hugs everyday from my mom or dad.
2 a writing course or theater class to channel my active imagination. (I wrote a play two years after this and I changed for the better. With summer coming there should be a lot of theater based camps.)

3 a date night with my dad. One night where he takes her somewhere special just the two of them.

Around that time I needed to know I was important and special. Don't do it just once make it a once or every other week thing she can look forward to. Have you simply asked her what would make her feel better? Most important at least once a month you should have a mother/daughter date. You're her mom now and she needs to build a relationship with you. Perhaps this will give her an outlet to eventually open up to you.

It's just a few ideas but it would have made a world of differnce. PS I grew out of this when I went to School for the Arts and got a part time job. It helped to focus my engergy.

Also I have a 13 year old step daughter and last year we started the date night with her dad and it made a world of difference on her visit which is important because we have 2 girls together 6 month and 2yrs.
Good luck

You are correct when you say getting angry and punishing is not the answer. She is the product of her past experiences and is in a situation where she is unsure of how she needs to operate in order to survive. She needs a lot of reassurance that she is indeed loved--she needs to be in relationship with her father, first and foremost, and you, as her stepmother, secondly. She needs both of you for different reasons. Spend as much time as possible with her; do "girl" things with her--just the two of you; find out what her interests are and try to encourage those; praise her for the things she does correctly; she also needs some alone time with her dad; and, of course, family things. She's crying out for love and attention--she just doesn't know how to effectively articulate her needs--she's just a little girl. I think you are on the right track and I think that you have the right spirit to break through. Your husband needs to stop calling her names--all she is hearing is that "my dad doesn't love me;"
Stealing is wrong, no question, but it is a pretty typical human failing, and is usually a symptom of some other disorder. Maybe you should try an object lesson. Remove something of hers--something that she treasures; wait for her to ask where it is; tell her you took it--ask her how that made her feel; discuss why it is wrong; discuss why it is important to treat others as you want to be treated. But, love never fails. God bless your efforts on her behalf.

Wow! Do you have your work cut out for you. Not only are you the new parents of his daughter but she is a teenager and has come from a "bad situation". Your future will not go smoothly. It sounds like she is acting out for various reasons (death of her mom, new relationship with you and her father, change of situations, being a teenager and all that entails, and many other things as well). I think you are on the right track with the psychiatrist and in realizing that your husband's approach isn't working.

She desperately needs your love and positive attention right now. You don't know (maybe you do) what her mother may have told her was the reason for you not being in her life sooner so now she may feel like her father hat to be forced to be there for her. Her previous situation may have required her to do some of the things she is now doing to survive. It is tough to unlearn that behavior. If you don't fix it now, it could be too late.

Definately follow up with a professional and her guidance counselor too. There could even be something going on at school (like bullying or gangs or something). Best of luck to your family.

My advice is to tell your husband to pretend he is his daughter. She has dealt with the loss of her mother and it seems she is reaching out to get attention by hiding food. Your husband should take time to include her in various activities, take her to the movies or the park. He needs to show more warmth. Turning his back on her is like he is not around and is an easy way out. He needs to try and convince her that he will always be there for her. Your stepdaughter is too young to have the level of understanding that adults have. Rejection is not a healer. Also, you all should go for Professional help on these matters. Continue to love her.
Janice B. Biggs

You have gotten so much great advice already,and I agree that she has probably already indured some hard times.She was probably also told things about you and your husband that more than likely wern't positive.You have to prove yourself to her now.Not by buying her love but by showing her love.She needs it most from her father because she is part of him.He needs to build her trust for him up and with that she can see that he will not leave her too.He should also talk to her and let her know that he has made some bad choices and is SORRY.She is old enough to realize that parents aren't perfect,and hearing that from her Dad can be a big step in the right direction.You will have to be the secondary role model in her life because she is still hurting from losing a Mother,even if she wasn't a good one she was all she knew as a Mother. Be supportive of her and her Father building a relationship and let them have some time to addjust to it.She will come to you when she's ready be there for her to listen and show her that you are there to support and care for her also.I also agree that she will probably need to talk to someone(professional that is).And it probably would hurt for the whole family to get some professional addvice also.The more knowledge you have will give you a good start to a positive future for her and yourselves.Keep working on it,and good luck to you, may God bless all of your family through this time.
R. F.

I have four grown children and am currently a foster parent to a 16 year old girl. When my husband and I were taking classes to become foster parents, we studied about children who stole and hid food. This is a classic sign of insecurity, which I can understand why your step-daughter would feel insecure. She is in a new place, with all new parents and she does not know if you and your husband are going to continue to be there for her although you have made the commitment.

One of the things they taught us in the classes when faced with a child that is stealing, is to talk to the child and assure them that you love them. They taught us that the children are taking from us because they feel like they can keep something of ours when they are forced to move to the next place. And then they advised us to give them something very special that shows the child that we love them and we want them to have something of ours.

At this stage, I think punishment is wrong - although you can not approve of the behavior. Love the child - but let the child know that you do not approve of the behavior. After a time of constant loving, then sit up a discipline for the crime.

I hope you see some improvement soon. Please keep in touch with me. This is one case that has really touched my heart.

To address the food issue- Is it really stealing? Is there a reason why something would be off limits to your stepdaughter, or is she just sneaking to eat? It could be that she is eating for emotional reasons- to fill her sense of emptyness after having her life upturned. She may just be embarassed and ashamed of bingeing- completely understandable and not uncommon. Embarassing her for it will not make the situation better! Trust me, I know. The most important thing for "giving her a better life" is to love her unconditionally and let her know that. Her father needs to be there for her, to tell her he loves her. If she lies or steals, you can tell her that you are disappointed in her behavior, but that doesn't change the love you have for her. Most importantly, you need to have that love for her. Just saying the words isn't enough- kids can tell when an adult is not sincere. Find ways to open up communication- family counseling would probably be really helpful.

Hi T.,

I could imagine that what you are going through is difficult. I know that there were a lot of responses so far, so I will not say too much. Just remember that she just lost her mother, the only person that she was able to turn to for parental guidance. I believe that the best thing for you to do is to do your best to teach her that it isn't okay to lie & steal. Remember, when you were 13, you resented anyone who called you names (at least I did). It is best to not call her a thief or liar, because that is putting a label on her, and only makes her feel worse, probably pushing her to do it more. When I was 13, I definately tried new things, not making the best decisions. Just try to focus her attention on better things, extra curricular activities, new friends, etc, and that will help change her. Just keep an eye on her, and try to guide her in the best direction. I will keep you in my prayers, as I know that this stage in her life is a very important one.

God Bless, J. N.

I think it's great that you are so concerned. The fact that you are trying to work on this NOW rather than later could really help deal with things before they get worse in her teenage years. Do you all belong to a church? Not that I am trying to SAVE you all or try to get you to go to one, but sometimes that helps. Sometimes family counseling also helps. The stealing is really that she is trying to get your attention. Most likely it's not that she is hungry, although, I wonder how much she really was given in her previous home...if she is hiding it in her drawers, etc... but if she is putting it in places where you can find it, most likely, it's an attention seeking behaviour. Before my baby, I counseled families. I would highly suggest that you and your husband do some sessions with her TOGETHER to really get at the root of the problem. Good luck and keep on sticking to it...she is just waiting for you to give up...DON'T! This will tell her you love her no matter what...and your husband really needs to jump in at this point and show her this too. She has lost her mom and she needs to know that she is going to have unconditional love from him too.

Hello T.,
it's obvious you are the only one who is able to stay unemotional and cut through all the blaming and accusing.
Your husband's anger and disappointment reflects his frustration with not having been in her life to maybe make his daughter "a better person". Instead of blaming her for wanting attention (and children don't differentiate between positive or negative attention), he needs to resume responsiblity and start being her father right here, right now, regardless of the past circumstances. She lost her mother and obviously lacks the experience of having had a father figure to grow up with so far. He is not yet ready to be a father figure to a girl he knew many years ago. Telling her she is a bad person will make her a terrible and dangerous person without a feeling for self-responsibility because that's what he shows her. I am sure your husband wants the best for her, but in order to achieve that, he needs to cut off guilt, anger, disappointment, and fear of failure from the past that hit him after all these years. His responsibility is to give love. Regardless of behavior. Love meaning to listen, try to understand, try to be completely non-judgemental. She is his daughter! By punishing her, he allows her to control his emotions and that makes him helpless. Knowing she can push his buttons makes her feel more powerful than she can handle which will lead to destructive behavior - bad for all!
What this child needs is guidance and love from all of your hearts. If he can't open his heart for his child, then this situation will not end. Stealing is showing: I NEED YOU! Please don't judge me! There is much to learn for everyone. It doesn't have to be hard. Tell her you love her, but that there are rules for living together and one of them is talking, telling the truth because everyone deserves the truth. Instead of stealing, ask her to write down her feelings, fears, hopes, dreams, and wishes. No child is simply evil. No mother or father either.
The past years are lost. There is no catching up if there is no forgiving for the time spent without each other. Best and bless your heart, A.

Hi T.

I know it must be very challenging dealing with this issue, but believe in your heart that God will restore and heal your stepdaughter and your family.

I listen to and subscribe to newsletters from www.family.org and www.familylife.com. Both of these websites have awesome radio ministries for families (check for the station in your area) and the websites have resources that are founded on God's principles. They also can refer you to Christian family counseling.

A book that has helped us with understanding and speaking to our teens is "The Five Love Languages for Teens" by Gary Chapman.

I pray these resources will bless you and your family.

B.

Dear T.,
If she is stealing and hording food it is because she has gone hungry quite a bit. I think your husband needs to show a little compassion, because he really doesn't know just what this child has seen and been through in her short live. He needs to reassure her and let her know that she is now a part of the family. From your remarks it appears that he did not have any contact with her, because that is how her mother wanted it. She doesn't know you guys. Be patient and loving. She does need counseling. If she is a thief and a liar he needs to find out what is causing all of that and help to rectify it. Yes, I would punish her for her actions but you also need to explain to her that she doesn't need to do that. Your husband needs some counseling to because that girl lost her mother, and he is all she has right now and he basically has thrown her to the wolves. She probably resents that he was never there and he needs to make her understand that he is there now.

First I want to say that my heart goes out to your family and stepdaughter. this is a huge adjustment on your whole family and you all need to be extremely supportive of one another. I think it is great you are having her see a psychiatrist, though maybe a psychologist will be just fine. she needs someoone to talk to at a very critical time in her life. Your husband, her father, needs to realize how hard this is on her too. she has lost her mother and probably the only life she has known. Now she is living with a family she doesn't know and probably feels so isolated and alone. She is most likely stealing food and other things because she may be worried that if she does not do this, at any time, she may not even have you as a family. She is trying to protect herself by doing this, not to hurt you. I urge your husband to be gentle with her, in his words and actions. It will only harm her further if you all pull away from her. She needs to be constantly reassured that you are ther for her.
Take care
T. :)

T.,
Your stepdaughter needs lots of love, patience, understanding, etc. I suggest that you, your husband, and the child go to counseling. This child is behaving out of past circumstances. The last thing she needs is to be called anything other than her name. She needs to be and feel loved. She is also grieving the lost of her mom and now her father is rejecting her. A lot to bear. If you believe in prayer, pray for him and the situation you are finding your self in.

About me: I raised two step-children along with my two. It is was a journey, but we all survived and are healed today. I have some stories to share about blended families.

I had a very similar situation when I was young my brother and I had to go live with our Dad and Stepmom because our Mom died, Bad situation. But with your stepdaughter she is at a very fragile age. I think because she had issues in the past coming from nothing to having things maybe you could sit down with her and her Dad and talk about what has been happening and set up boundries and show her how much she is loved and maybe say each week or month you stay out of trouble no stealing or lieing. We will treat you to....somthing she likes or wants and continue to go to counsling maybe as a family and show her she is loved. She probably feels abandoned and is screaming for attention, at least that is what my brother and I did. I am not judging but if her Dad continues to withdrawl from her and tell her she is a liar and a theif than she will turn to someone else for attention and it probably wont be good attention. She just needs to know she is loved and cared about then have rewards and consiquences. This is just my opinion take it or leave it but I hope it helps.

Best of luck, i know this is a hard time but you will get through it. :)

T.,
Your request reminds me of a foster daughter I had a few years ago. She was also stealing and hoarding food. Her therapist explained that this was because my foster daughter was insecure and unsure of her place in my family, or if she would even stay with us. It sounds like what your stepdaughter is going through.
Your stepdaughter is dealing with the death of her mother and a sudden move to a life and family she probably never knew about. My guess is she is scared and depressed. While this is no excuse for stealing, at least it gives you an idea of what her mindset is.
That being said, punishing her is NOT going to work. Going to the psychiatrist is a good long term solution, but in the meantime, she needs to understand and feel confident that you and her father will not "send her away" or "leave her" like her mother did. Please ask your husband to try to get to know her - not avoid her because of the lies and stealing. He is only reinforcing her fear of being alone. Try to find activities that include her with the whole family, maybe she can help make dinner, or everyone watch a movie that she chose.
When you find food or whatever else she has "stolen" gently bring it to her attention and remind her that its not necessary, as you will provide for her AND the boys. If it is an item that needs to be returned then have her put it back where it belongs. Try not to buy her too many "things" too soon, and really try to be open to her thoughts. Does she talk about her mom, or is that a "taboo" subject around your husband? Let her know that it is ok to feel sad and upset that her mom is gone. Give her an outlet for her grief and feaer - does she like to draw, sing, play an instrument? Things like that should help her overcome being afraid.
Did she change schools when she moved in with you? If she did, maybe have her invite friends for a sleep over - her old friends if they dont live too far away would be great. And have your husband spend one on one time with her - not to berate her for her behaviour, but to find something good in her. I would think that the lying and stealing only began AFTER her mom died and she moved in with you guys. Is there anyone you can talk to about whether your stepdaughter did that kind of thing before?
I'm sorry this reply is so long, but I have been in your shoes and its a tough road. If you have any more questions or just want to vent, please feel free to email me. Good luck!
D.

T.,
First, my condolences to both you and your stepdaughter. It must have been heartbreaking to not have her in your life for so many years. I also cannot imagine what she endured with her mother and then to deal with loss and being uprooted at such a young age.

I have a food hoarding issue with my 13 yr old. He lives with both parents and we have a stable home life. I have asked him not to take food to his room or hid the trash in his desk/dresser drawers. I no longer get yell or punish him. I feel that no one should be punished because of food. He cleans the mess and I remind him that we don't want to invite bugs into our home. I restrict the junk food that comes into the house and everyday I remind my son to eat some fruit, a bowl of cereal or another healthy snack. When he says he's not hungry, I tell him that I believe he is and he should eat. I have not found a reason for the hoarding but I have found that I don't dwell on it as much.

If your step daughter is stealing, truly stealing, have you considered taking her to church. She may not have been raised with an honorable foundation. Perhaps having it presented by someone other than you and Dad, would be helpful. I also most definitely would take her to see a therapist. That being said, Dad and you and the brothers should go as well.

Now for Dad. He can never be "mean" to her. In her mind, he abandoned her. "Why didn't he ever fight for custody? Why didn't he come see her? Did he ever love her?" These are questions that have surely come up for your stepdaughter. Saying to her that it was her mother's fault doesn't fix her relationship with Dad. Above everyone else he needs to love her unconditionally. I know that is hard because he expects from her what he expects from the brothers. Dad needs to spend some alone time with her and get to know what transpired over the last 12 years, regardless of how painful the stories might be for him.

You have so few years with your stepdaughter at home, and so much time to make up for. Make the most of the time you are given. I wish you and your family, all the best.

Sincerely,
K.
contact me if you ever need to chat
____@____.com

have you sat down and talked with her. tell her that you have no idea what life was like for her or how they did thingsbefore she came to live with you but that her stealing and lieing only pushes the family she has here away. tell her that if she ever wants/needs to eat she can ask and she will have it. that there is no reason to keep it in her room because it will always be available to her in the kitchen where it should stay. tell her you want to help her and that if she needs anything to talk to you and ask but that you cant help her if she doesnt let you. if she has asmart remark just smile and say something positive like ok! but if you change your mind im here. hopefully she will come around. she's probably just used to the life she had to live for 13 years. either she does these thing because she feels she has to to survive or because she is 13 and defiant. good luck.

I agree with Denise's response. Your reaction and your husbands reaction are normal gut reactions. However, they seem to be creating an automatic feel or tension to your SDD. As soon as she walks in a room, do you tense up waiting for a confrontation? Would you want to live somewhere that people automatically thought you were bad?

I don't know her past living situation, but please try to talk to her about it. If she was having to steal food and such to survive, that's going to be a hard trust bound to break. You said that she had nothing when she arrived. When you buy things for her is it you picking them out and giving them to her when she gets home? Or do you go shopping with her and let her have a say?

You say that she steals things. Is it just food that she's hiding or other things? If its other things - money, jewelry, etc. - you should contact the police. I know that sounds harsh, it may just be stuff from you, but I've seen this in several families and it creates more bitterness when the problem is ignored.

You say that you find food throughout her room. Why is this a big deal? Unless its an old half eaten apple? Why not let her use one of her dresser drawers as a food drawer? That's what you do in college. You could even get her a small refrigerator for drinks. When you go food shopping, hand her some money - $10, $20 - and let her buy her own stuff.
Put yourself in her shoes. Here you are, alone, your Mom just died, and you have to come live here into a brady bunch family and you don't feel like you fit in. 10 years is a long time to miss out on.

Try having 'make up' activities. Your family missed out on many important holidays and events in her life. When she came to live with you, did you celebrate? Have a Welcome home party? Make a big deal about her. Let her know that she is loved and welcomed? If she's had a rough childhood, help her find it; draw together, bake cookies together, go to the park, play put-put golf. have a father-daughter lunch day, have a mother-daughter spa day, go to the movies as a family. Buy her a gift out of the blue, just because you saw it and thought she would like, and let her know that.

Please be patient with her. Show her as much love, respect and trust as you can. If you think she took something, and she denies it, even if your body is screaming to call her a liar, just say 'Ok, just thought I would ask. If you happen to see it could you let me know? Or just place it by the coffeemaker? Thanks.' and let it be. Chances are that within a day, the item will show up.

Best of luck.
M.

Hi! I have a step-daughter as well but she's been with us since she was 2. So I've had a great deal more influence on her life. Even so, I feel like I will never be able to make right what's happened to her (her mom hasn't seen her in 4 years and gave her up at age 2). While she is a good kid, I do see things in her that make me think she's acting out. It's great that you are taking your daughter to a specialist, but you are right; this will be fixed by you and your husband. I can't imagine how she feels: her mom dies, she lives w/people she hardly knows and they don't particularly enjoy everything she does. Coupled w/the fact that she is 13! Wow. You guys are amazing just to be dealing with it. My advice is to show her lots of affection. I know it may be hard (I still don't know how to be affecionate w/my own step-daughter 7 years into it) but a hug goes a long way. I see it in my daughter everytime I do give her a hug. I'm not saying to condone her stealing and lying of course, but a hug might open the doors for her to feel more comfortable w/you guys and help her back down from her behavior. And if I may be so bold, getting affection at home may help prevent her form going elsewhere, which at age 13 means pretty soon these days.

I feel for you guys, as I understand the complexities of having a step-child. It sounds like you guys are good parents so hang in there. I'm sending you lots of good energy.

All the best!
-V.

Hi T.
You are very brave to 1-have a step daughter and 2-to have a teenager. If you don't know her whole situation from her mother than it may be hard to understand why she does what she does. Stealing and lying may be all she knows. If her mother taught her through her actions or words than she may only know this. Yelling @ her and telling her she's a thief and a liar is not going to help her stop. It's frustrating but it sound like she needs a lot of love. I would try to show her by words and example that there are other ways to get your and her father's attention. If you are also consistant with discipline which fits the crime like taking away her cell phone(if she has one)or video games or her music. Take something that means a lot to her. My mom grounded me which worked because being a social butterfly I didnt want to stuck @ home. I hope this helps and if you want to talk more please email me @ ____@____.com:0)

I would have her see a therapist/counselor before you start punishing her for 'stealing' food. (First, is it something she's not allowed to have? Is she 'stealing' all the cookies or something?) I use the term 'stealing' when something of value or that has been forbidden is taken - money, CDs, alcohol, etc.

It really sounds like a case of hoarding the food. If she has come from a bad situation as you said (and you may not know the full extent of *how* bad it was), she may have had times in the past when she went hungry. Perhaps now that there is plenty of food, part of her is having her squirrel it away for the 'lean times' that her subconscious is telling her will come again.

Regardless, unless she is taking something other than food, this sounds like a serious warning signal that she needs professional help, not punishment.

Also, IMHO, while I don't know all the details, shame on your husband for letting his own daughter get to this state - over 10 years and he hadn't seen her at ALL?!? There is really no excuse for this in my book. Perhaps before he thinks of punishing her, he should stop blaming her mother for everything and take a bit of responsibility for the situation. Sounds like he's projecting his dislike of her mother onto her. Poor kid!

Kudos to you for wanting to be a good parent to her T.. Now if only your DH would wake up and try to do the same. I wish you all the best.

Good luck!

Hi T.,

I feel so sad to hear about your situation. This girl has been traumatized since she was a baby and this behavior is the result. Verbally abusing her is not the answer. Write to Dr. Katharine Leslie, a Child Development Coach.

Tell her your story and see if she has some professional advice.

Her e-mail is: ____@____.com

Hope she can help this difficult situation. Good luck. D.

Dearest T. M. Your husband, her Dad, needs to have a sit down talk with his daughter first. He has to let her know the rules of engagement. There are consequences for every action that takes place in all of our lives. He, dad, also needs to know that right now he is the most important role she has. Her mother has passed and there is a responsibility on your husband's part. Put away the anger and the hollering and just talk. Maybe take her to a favorite place and just talk. Most of the time, that's all teenagers need. A listening ear. Then you can get involved. But until the father gets REAL, this will continue and get worse. Mrs. Mom

It is hard to do but always treat children with respect without getting emotional. Tell her calmly and seriously that stealing and lieing are not tolerated. If she continues to do so, certain privileges will be taken away such as no television or no leaving the house for a certain period of time. Choose something that she really likes or cares about. Children will know that you care when you don't stand for misbehavior. Be consistent and calm. Tell her you love her.

She must give back the things she steals or somehow make up for it. If she continues to lie, tell her that you cannot trust anything she says. It's very important to always tell the truth to maintain good relationships. You want to trust her.

Yelling and calling her names won't help the situation. Respect will maintain her self-esteem.

A good book is Dr. Dobson's, "Dare to Discipline". You can get it from the library. Books by James Stenson are excellent.

It sounds to me as if your stepdaughter was neglected while with her mother. She is hoarding food and such, maybe because she doesn't trust that she will have a next meal. I agree with you that she should be in therapy. However, punishing her for her fears is not the answer. she is not a "thief and a liar" she is trying her best to protect herself. Treat her with love, not condemnation. The angrier you get the more frightened and worried she will be and the more these behaviors will continue. You don't know what she went through with her mother. When you catch her with hoarded food. don't overreact. Tell her calmly that food belongs in the kitchen. If she is hungry she can eat, you will always take care of her. Then stand behind those words. Hug her more, condemn her less and please, get her into intense counselling. I was an abused child. She isn't being bad or stealing, she is trying to assure herself of her next meal. Good luck to you. you have a long hard road. Show her your love and the love of God.