11 Year Old Girl Stealing, Lying, Failing School and Fighting with All Friends

THE QUESTION: As a step-mother, what can I do to help my 11 year-old girl deal with issues such as stealing possessions from our house that she has no use for, lying about her brothers and life in general, doing poorly in school, dating boys that she does not like, and always constantly fighting with her friends.

I love my husband and I love my step-children. I do not have any children of my own (unless two yorkie's who consider themselves human's count) and want to do everything I can to be the best step-mom I can be. I believe a few simple questions and explanations have to be presented as to explain some of the background leading up to these issues.

THE MARRIAGE BETWEEN HUSBAND AND EX: The marriage occurred as a result of the ex becoming pregnant with the daughter in question. They have three children total. There was not much of an emotional connection or relationship between my husband and ex. She is very motivated by possessions and status whereas my husband is not, although he is a very strong business man and makes a hefty income, in which I believe was the ex's prime love.

THE RELATIONSHIP DURING THE MARRIAGE: Not good. The only reason for marriage was not based on love, but upon duty and the differences between them only worsened. They had three children in a three year span and all of them are beautiful and amazing, despite the lack of relationship between husband and wife at the time.

THE DIVORCE BETWEEN HUSBAND AND EX: The divorce was very drawn out and bad. It resulted in ex taking kids from father and moving in another jurisdiction, illegally changing the children's name, all at the time when the children were 1,2, and 3 years old. The ex refused to sign papers for divorce and disposed of company assets to pay for spending habits.

THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE ISSUE: After taking the children illegally from father, the ex moved to Tennessee. Upon hiring a private investigator, my husband was able to locate the whereabouts of his children and her (which is the process in which we met). I have known the children for almost four years and have seen the symtoms that have worsened today already beginning long ago. The ex is very hard to understand, but the easiest way to understand her is that her love is money and that is all that motivates her. Even with a very hefty child support of $3200 per month and a successful job, she has lost her house for failure of payments, committed health care fraud, and used her own 10 year old daughters social security number for IDENTITY THEFT at department stores such as Macy's. It is very sad.

Needless to say, my husband and ex's court order requires them only to communicate via e-mail. She does not want the child-support payments to cease and does not communicate with the husband regarding issues with the children, but neither does he. The first problem is the alienation between husband and ex and the leeway that the children are able to pull out of the unknown abyss, but that is not our choice and how the ex wills it to be.

THE ISSUE: My 11 year old step-daughter has really developed serious issues in which I do not know how to help. The ex (who is primary custodial parent) has not re-married and has several "boy toys" as the daughter calls them and is not home very much. The school has called CPS on the mother 2 times. At first, the children had no child care and the daughter, at the age of 9, was watching her and 8 and 7 year old brother by herself. After CPS was called by teachers regarding the children's lack of supervision, the mother hired a non-English speaking nanny. This nanny cleans the house but is unable to help the children with their school work and normally allows them to play outside until 6:00pm, in which leaves. The daughter babysits until 8:00pm, in which the ex returns home. At a parent teacher conference, the ex told the school that the daughter (who is failing and 9 years old) was allowed to sign off on her brothers (at 7 and 8 years old) report cards. It was mind boggling.

Part of the problem is that the children have realized that mom and ex do not communicate so discerning between the fiction world and the real world is an issue. From the first time I met the daughter 7, I could tell she had many issues with lying. Her mother is a pathological liar and it is common (or so I have read) that lying in children is not uncommon and is the first cognitive stage where a child discerns the differences between her and parent. However, at 10 and 11 the lies have not only become ridiculous, but flat out realities from the truth that only benefit one person: herself.

THE STEALING. My step-daughter has been stealing from our house (we have the children every other weekend) and bringing the stolen goods to her mom's house. On one occasion, she has stolen from her mother's house (Victoria secret pajama pants / one of the items she has stolen from me as well) to our house. Now, she is 11 years old and a size 0000. Her mother is probably a size 8-10 and I am a size 2-4. None of her mother's pajama points nor mine fit her frame so this issue really disturbs me. She has stolen a lot of my clothes, candles, shoes (we do have the same shoe size), and make up. Her father buys her whatever she wants and although she claims her mother buys her nothing, she always comes over with new purses and designer bags and has an iPhone 4S...so I do not believe that her mother does not purchase her anything.

Being stolen from sucks, but what is worse, is the the actual things she is stealing. I feel like this issue is more physiological but I do not know if I am right and am certainly not qualified to address any of these issues as a professional. For the first three years of getting to know her, I held my tongue and tried to let my husband and her ex take control of the situation. My husband has tried to talk to her, but with every other weekend, it feels like it is all forgotten the next time they come. Nothing has changed and she is getting worse so I feel as if I do not try to help her, I am not doing my duty.

How can I help? Why is she doing this? What can I do?

THE LYING: Have you ever had a child that tells you a story about something in real life that you know, just because you understand the laws of gravity and understand that a coke bottle can not fly from one house to the other, that it is a lie because it just does not make sense and defies the laws of nature? That is what has began to happen. When I first met her, she lied a lot, but I think most of it became lying to create a happy fantasy world to avoid the chaos that the ex had inflicted upon the children by removing them from my husband. I am very close with my mother and consulted her for advice on this matter.

My mother told me that there was no point to try to straighten out the truth with a child that was too young, who was also battling with a dilema of trying to love her mother and recognize her as the one who is going to protect her. My mother said, "You do not want to convince the child they are living with a mean, lying physcopath unless you have the ability to take the children away from that environment. If you do that, they will be in a paradox." I agreed with that and understood her point (when the ex changed her and the kids last name and moved to Tennessee, she filed for custody saying my husband abandoned kids and Tennessee granted it to her without fully researching the name change...hooray for the law).

Now, almost every word about anything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. It is not even well-thought out, like she is wanting to get caught, but she is very defensive if you even try to point out that it doesn't make sense. I believe she really believes it and I do not know what to do.

FAILING SCHOOL: In 5th grade, her GPA was a 1.6. The teacher wrote notes that she was failing all of her tests. She constantly avoids the school subjects and sadly, we get the report cards long after the grades are submitted. We only have them every other weekend, and I know that no child is going to tattle on themselves and tell us that they did poorly at school. We have tried to arrange tutoring and after-school help, but the ex does not allow it because she is the "women in charge and makes those decisions." We have also offered to pay for private school education and she just wouldn't hear it. I can't understand why, but perhaps she felt like she was "losing control" if that were to happen.

But regardless of anything, the child is failing school and she is smart enough not to. Should I force her to work on school work every other weekend? 4 days out of the month maybe able to help academically, but is that my place? Should there be no fun and all work? Is that my responsibility?

FIGHTING WITH FRIENDS. I have never met an 11 year old with so many friends who turn into enemies in less than 24 hours. She "dates" via facebook and at school and some of her posts on facebook just shock me. (My husband and I would not allow her to have a facebook and she is not old enough to meet the terms and conditions of the website, but her mother obviously created it and allows her to write comments about her "not stuffing her bra" and "breaking boys hearts." This is a direct quote from her facebook:

"so u have ur best freinds ok so if a guy u dated says he i like u a lot next 5 mins asked out ur best freind and she says yes i said u dont date ur xs sweety then she says i can date who i want i said ok fine she said i dont really like him i just wanted to brack his heart i tried to tell him and when they started dating she said dont tell anyone were dating i said why would u say that are u imbarsted of ur boyfriend she said yes and she calls me and says im dumping him tommorow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whats her problem"

Of course, I have no say in her having a facebook because if I did, it would already be gone, but when I see these things, it makes me sad for her but I do not know what I can do.

I am sorry for the long post, but I desperately want to help her. I love her. But I just do not know what to do or what I can do. Thank you for any responses - it means a lot to me that someone took the time to read this and offer advice. I really need it.

UPDATE ABOUT COURT SITUATION: We have been in court for almost 4 years with her. When she stole the children to Tennessee (when my husband had custody and she was on weekend visitation), my husband could not find her for almost six months (she changed her last name and the children's without my husband's signature). Within that time, she had domiciled in Tennessee and immediately filed a TRO against my husband saying that he had "abandoned the kids". Of course, this was not the case, but the police see a women with three little kids in her custody and of course, grant it. So when my husband moved to Tennessee, after figuring out their location, he had the burden of proving that all of her lies were false...she also alleged that he was past due $120,000 on child support (we currently pay $3200 per month for child support), which is what we have been in court for 4 years disputing (the judges will not consider custody if their is back due child support, but he has fully paid - just another lie that the court believed by her making an excel spreadsheet!! Then she delays court and says she is working and can not make it to the next court date, and every time the court grants it and pushes it back! Is there NO justice?!)

It almost feels like a bad movie with no hope. To the court, we are just another number, but everyday that we wait, the children are the ones who suffer and its impossible to speed up because they let her call and re-schedule with no limitations. The state was representing her in the beginning and then pulled off the case because the district D.A. did not believe her claims (2 years later and finally - but she got another 6 month extension to find a lawyer--it is so devastating.)

The only other option is to file a TRO against her, but that has to mean the children are in IMMEDIATE danger. Immediate danger is a high threshold...we have the children this weekend and the 9 year old boy was hit by a car (no parent was there after school and he was riding a bike and a car hit him - thank the Good Lord he was not injured, but he has been sick since Monday and no one took him to a doctor...the 8 year old boy has sun poisoning because the 11 year old daughter took her brothers to the pool with no adult supervision and did not put any sunscreen on the boys. She just turned 11, I would not expect her to do that, but my question is how the heck did they allow her into the community pool with no supervision? Does anybody care?? Of course, it is absurd to look at an 11 year old and blame her for being 11 - she needs a mother - it is not her responsibility to know how to be a mother when the boys are her brothers. But I took the children to a pediatrician and the poor thing has sun poisoning - but even this, according to the law, is not IMMEDIATE DANGER. I guess the real question is: "What is immediate danger then?" To me, this fits right up the alley but perhaps someone knows anything about this?? If you know an unfit mother is neglecting her children, but it's not immediately happening at that second, is there something else you can do?? It is just heartbreaking. I had the best mother in the world - it is hard to imagine a mother could do this, for whatever reason, to her kids but all I can do is the best in my position as as step mother - I have appreciated the responses - Shelly's comment gave me peace and really spoke to me - thank you.