Seeking Advise for 10Yr Old Boy After Death in Family

Your son is needing to "grieve."
In a young child, they dont' know how to do this...thus they act out.
Just don't punish him for it... he NEEDS to grieve, and needs to just be.
Grieving can take time... don't put a "deadline" on it.
If he needs extra help, perhaps a support group or a counselor can help.
This is difficult time for an adult, much less a young child.
They need to "know" coping skills, and that it is okay to cry, or feel angry... this is all a normal and natural response to grieving.

Also, with boys especially, they MUST know that it is okay to communicate, to express themselves, to even cry. It's not good to teach them to just be "tough" about it or life's difficulties.

For him at this time of "stress" and even loneliness... he is even probably feeling like NO ONE understands him or what HE is going through.

Just offer him lots of comfort, allow him room to feel and to be moody... and to feel sad... and be a soft place for him to fall. If he cannot adjust to the loss of his uncle... then counseling might be a great thing for him. But don't "rush" it... everyone has a different time-line in how long they take to get over something like this.

Your son's life has changed, he lost someone he was very close to, their shared love of computer games and activities is now gone, and his best "buddy" is no longer here. Your son probably has a big empty place inside of him now. It's very hard.

Perhaps, let your son go to his uncle's grave... and take flowers for him every week even, if this makes him feel better. Then when he is at his grave, let your son have some solitude, step back, and let your son "talk" to his Uncle in private at his grave. This may be a helpful thing for him...

Your son, will need "closure" a part of his grieving process too. In time.

All the best,
Susan

I am sure he does not want to talk about this with you right now or maybe ever, kids that age just want to be left alone. I would however privately talk to him. Do not ask for a response just have him listen, if he wants tot talk he will.
Tell him that he is allowed to cry and that is it perfectly normal to cry when a loved one passes. Tell him you think he is acting out in other ways becasue he is bottling his feelings up. Let him know he can come to you or whoever to talk and that he now has his uncle looking over him as a guradian angel. Tell him that he can still talk to his uncle who passed and tell him his feelings. I would not prod him to answer you just make him listen and let him deal with it.
I have been through this with my father when I was in high school,(he passed in a motorcycle accident) things get better with time.

Hi K.,

My mother-in-law passed away last year. I too have a 10 year old son and also a six year old daughter. I think that communication is very important. When their Nana passed my daughter immediately broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. It was heartbreaking. My son however while appearing sad, did not cry at all. I think to this day he may have cried twice.

I have explained to my children that everyone grieves differently. I have explained that even though he may not feel comfortable crying it does not reflect on the love he felt for his Nana and the sadness he feels inside. My daughter and Husband find it easy to cry and let their grief out, my son and I do not. I try very hard to teach that either way of grieving is okay.

In my family crying was feeling sorry for yourself and a waste of time. I do not believe this, I think crying is beneficial and healthy, yet it is difficult for me to cry. I feel responsible for his inability to share his feelings, I guess he holds things in because I do. Validating his feelings whether they are obvious or not I feel is very important. I do not want him to feel as if he is a"cold" person because he is not comfortable with tears.

I try to talk to your son about his grief. If he is not receptive tell him you are there when he is ready. Suggest he write his feelings down. Tell him that whatever he feels is okay, but it is not okay to "act out" against his family who loves him. Eventually, he will come to you or your husband and start to communicate his hurt.

My son was born on my inlaws' anniversary and four days before my own mom passed away. He is very sensitive about people dying around his birthday and us being sad at this time. I found this out from a casual comment he made. If I hadn't caught on I would never have realized the depth of his feelings because on the outside he is so composed.

I hope that my experience will help you with some insight. Do the best you can, try different things and let him know you are there. Death is hard enough for adults, just let him know he is loved and that it is okay to be angry and hurt but you cannot inflict that anger and hurt on others instead share those feelings in a productive way when ready.

Remember the holidays are going to be extra tough so take it easy on yourself and each other. Good luck, I will be thinking of you and your little guy!

C.

That is so much for your little boy to handle...even if he is 10 years old, he's still a little boy and if this is his first 'death' experience it is going to be tough for a while.

My only question is since it's your husbands brother, how is your son doing with your husband? Have they had bonding time over this? Has your husband tried to talk to him about it?

As as kid, loss of a relative amounts to the loss of a part of your existence and who you are. If your son was extremely bonded to his Uncle, which it sounds like he was, then this is going to take sometime. Many people don't cry for months, even years after the actual death of someone. Even adults, grieve in ways that are out of 'character' for them, and create outlets for frustration that may hurt other loved one's.

Give your son room to breath, as I'm sure he feels he is suffocating in his emotions right now. Let him behave in outbursts if that helps, and remain calm and respond in a calm tone to him...if he yells at you or his brother, respond with a calm tone 'I understand you're upset (mad, angry, ticked off), but please don't yell at me.' When he's calm, tell him 'I know this is a tough time for you, if you need me I'm here' or 'I love you and know you're upset, I will be here for you whenever you need me to be'.

Even if he responds back in argumentative tones, at least he knows you are there. Don't force your grieving on him, or place expectations on how he grieves...just let him be. Eventually, he'll come around and need your shoulder to lean on. It just takes time.

As a grown-up, I lost my Grandmother just two years ago...she was the second most important woman in my life and it was horrible. My son was four months old, and I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide. It made me so angry when people said things like, 'i know how you must be feeling' or 'we're all really sad, it's tough'. My Grandma raised me, with my Mom, from the time I was born and had a huge hand in how I was taken care. She was there for me no matter how many times my Mom and butted heads, and the one person I needed a sounding board...so, imagine how your son must feel.

I wish you the best during this turmoil, and I hope your son opens the door to you...

Hi K.,

I am sorry for the loss in your family and for what your son has to go through during this grieving process. I think this is his way of dealing with it since he is not talking or crying about it. He is holding his feelings in, which are starting to pile up on him. I really don't know if you should try to talk to him or perhaps get him a grieving counselor. This is so difficult for us adults, I can't imagine how difficult it is for children. Pretty much, he has just lost his best friend. You can tell him all the this is temporary, until you meet again, not good bye...see you later, all you want, but in his view he is here now and his Uncle is not. I am certain your son is not happy with his actions, but probably cannot control it. Until you are able to get him some help, try your best to realize he is out of sorts and just in pain. If he will let you, give all the hugs you possibly can.

My heart goes out to you and your family as you get through these difficult times.

C.