Seeking Advice for Transitioning a 16Mos Out of Family Bed

Good for You!! I admire your choice to nuture your child in a family bed situation. My son and I co-sleep, but it's just us...so not a huge issue where room is concerned. While, we are in the process of transitioning to a 'big boy' bed it is a process!

Here's what I've done...

I read the 'the Family Bed', and it was the best book ever. It's out of print, but you can get a copy on Amazon or have your bookstore order it. Super advice if you haven't read it yet.

Honestly, I don't think this is a bad 'habit' or 'issue' like so many people address it. It's the way families have done it for generations...and my son is the most amazingly confident and independent little person.

The advice I've gotten from other co-sleepers, is to first get your son off the breatfeeding...stop with the nightfeeding first and associate the feedings with meals, like breakfast. And, try to get him to use a sippy cup...my son would only use Nuby cups and he still does in addition to regular cup. While, the nightfeedings are comforting, we need to help our little people learn to soothe themselves during the nighttime. I offered my son, a cup of milk at night before brushing our teeth and diaper change. And, added a lovey to our sleep routine that slept with us and absorded our scents.

Our first three days, with no nightfeeding was tough but, I was there for him and held him and explained that we were a team and it was new for both of us. I made sure I gave him loving words...I refuse to let my son cry for no reason, even my pediatrician has enforced CIO is not healthy for emotional development. After day three, he was falling asleep on his own, but would wake up during the night for assurance I was nearby...took about two weeks to get him to sleep on his own with consistentcy. Of course, there is still the occasional nightwaking...but, no big deal a quick word from me and he's out again.

As for the transition out of the family bed, I'm working on that one too! What we've done is together we've picked out his sheets and bedding, and we've started small with his daily nap being in the 'big boy' bed. At night, we visit his McQueen Bed and he lays down for a bit, and sometimes falls asleep there on his own with no fuss...but, if he comes to my bed I don't reject him. My feeling is that he needs to know he can come to me if he needs comfort. I'm not in a hurry to rush him through it, but I think if you communicate with your son and make this process about him growing up and being a 'big boy' it becomes something that they can own and be proud to be a part of...I use the word team a lot!

There was this great piece on Nightline about how the CIO method does not breed independent kids, but can 'cause a sense of loss and mourning in kids at too early an age...wish everyone could see it, 'cause even docs who are credited with coming up with the method said it was meant for older kids with higher developmental skills not infants or early stage toddlers.

My good friends, have all done this and their five kids are great sleepers, and very independent kiddos with lots of social skills and activities.

Best of luck with your little guy!

So glad you asked! I actually just transitioned my daughter out of my bed at 17 months in August 2008. She is now a happy little 19 month old that sleeps in her own room! I was getting really uncomfortable in bed (painful from not being able to move much during the night), she was waking very frequently and nursing a lot during the night. I was also nursing her down. I had been starting out with nursing her to sleep (since about 12 months), then putting her down in her crib (with side rail removed). She'd wake up every 45 minutes until I put her to bed with us around 11PM. Also, she was staying up many times until 9 or 10 at night because she just wouldn't stay in her room. I tried to night wean her, while keeping her in bed with me for 4 nights and I held her, sang, rocked, etc. while she screamed all night for those 4 nights. I did not want to have her cry it out in her room alone. And, please note that she has hated that crib since the day she was born and always screamed about it and was instantly wake up when you tried to lay her down on it!

So, I happened across this wonderful book, "Raising an Amazing Child the Montessori Way" (mostly because I was interested in the education/play/home environment aspect--it's geared for the 0-4 year old set). They suggest putting the baby's bed on floor like a little futon. I immediately, disassembled the crib and took it out to the garage. I used her crib mattress, quilt, and full-size pillow with sham, two decorative pillows and some stuffed animals and made it up into a cute little day bed. My daughter ran to the bed and rolled around in DELIGHT! She tried laying on it, she likes to sit on the edge with books to read, etc. etc. That night, I nursed her to sleep in her room, removed any hazards from the room, closed the closet, etc. and laid her down on that bed. I put her down on her mattress on the floor, she looked up at me because she awoke a little, then I said "Night Night" and shut the door behind me. Now, this is key, stand there and listen. She started to cry and I looked at my watch. She cried for 20 seconds. I felt like I should go in at 10 seconds, but held out and am so glad I did. Having her bed on the floor meant she wasn't trapped in the dreaded crib, holding onto the rail shaking it and screaming as she had when I had tried that a couple of months before and she was able to stand up and cry for a moment and had the freedom to put herself back into bed. When you have another type of bed that they need to get help to get back into then they are left with no choice but for you to come rescue them. After the 20 seconds, she slept from 8pm-6AM. Since then, she has started a routine of waking around 3:45 (can't complain because that is 7 to 8 hours straight before waking). If I go in and nurse her and lay down with her for 15 minutes, she goes back to sleep until 6. Another benefit of the bed on the floor, since I can lay down on the quilt next to her bed and she is perfectly happy with that arrangement. She knows that I will get her at 6 and she can come into bed with me and nurse and snuggle until we get up around 7.

I had thought that my daughter was a very light sleeper and than she'd never make it through without nursing. I think, like you mentioned, that we were waking her up and that the proximity to me and the "milk sources" was waking her, too. She sleeps deeper and so do I! A recipe for happiness!

Tips: I spread out her quilt on the floor and put pillows or blankets in areas that would be uncomfortable if she got into them during the night (for example, there is a narrow space where the dresser doesn't go all the way to the wall on the end, so I tuck a pillow back there so she doesn't end up there--wouldn't hurt her, but she'd be uncomfortable). The first 3-4 nights I was surprised where I'd find her sleeping when I checked on her (curled up in the glider, in the corner, etc.), but she now stays on the bed or quilt next to it. I also think that it is key that I have never taken her back into my room during the night since I started this process. I go to her! Many times when I lay her down during the night or at bed time, she cries. Used to freak me out, but now, I stand at the door so I'll hear if there is anything unsafe going on in there, but I watch the clock and give it 30 seconds past the point when I feel like I just have to get her and she has ALWAYS stopped by then (same goes for waking during the night--she often cries for a few seconds and goes back to sleep--I realized it was disruptive for me to go rushing in at every peep). I also found that I had to make her bedtime more of a priority. I had been going with the flow, letting her stay up because she did best going to sleep when I went to sleep. Now, I am more strict with bath, jammies, books, nurse, bed (whether asleep or not after about 10 minutes of nursing & singing). I also think that darkness was best. I always felt like she needed a nightlight in her room, but realized it was causing her to wake up more fully when she did wake. Once they start figuring out to open the door, the book recommends using a baby gate at the door to keep them from getting out and getting hurt roaming the house.

Good luck and hope that this approach works for you, too. I had never heard of this option, but am excited to spread the idea to others in need of creative ideas that won't traumatize their child.

N., Long Beach, CA

Daniell, had the same problem with my now 7 year old daughter. I got referred by a friend to a very patient woman, Katie Smith. Her website is called theindependentchild.com ###-###-####. She was fabulous! She was very insightful and great to work with, and it didn't take that long -- she's based out of the LA Valley but of course makes visits. I've referred her and my friends were also happy with her. Before that my daughter would scream forever -- and I just couldn't take that! What a relief for all of us. Wish I'd done it sooner.
K.

Hi D.:
I am with you,on the cio method,and I believe DM said it best.All toddlers should be so lucky,to have a mommy so understanding,loving and compassionate.I've heard a few mothers here,mention they began the transition by making a bed on the floor right next to mom and dads.I don't know, if your little guy would go for that, or benifit from it. I'm quite sure,his recent weaning,adds to the difficulty of transitioning from your bed. I have two grown boys myself,and they were tickled when I came up with a camp-out type of enviroment for them in their room. I'd use a couple extra blankets,for a tent,and a flash light,and they thought they were out in the wilderness! I guess, I'd try a few creative things,and if that didn't work,just follow your heart,as you have,and make the transition as smoothe for him as you can.I wish you and your darlin son the best.

Hi D.! I started transitioning our son out of the family bed at about the same time (maybe 18 months). We took his crib out of his room and put in a queen size futon mattress on the floor and lots of pillows and blankets to make it comfy. I am still nursing my son so I would nurse him to sleep and then go sleep in bed with my husband. At any time between 12-4 am, I would hear my son crying out for me on the baby moniter or he would get up and come get me. I would never put him back in bed with us but instead would lie in bed with him (hence the queen size mattress). I would usually fall asleep in his bed as I nursed him back to sleep but at least we all had a bit more room to sleep and my husband is thanking me because he definitely sleeps better! Anyway, it's been a long process and now my son is 2 and although I am still nursing him, he finally started sleeping through the night in his own bed. If I ever do try to sleep with him (it's a hard habit for me to break!) he literally kicks me out of bed! He is also tall and likes to toss and turn in his sleep so he has his way of telling me that his bed is not big enough for the both of us!
Anyway, good luck to you and stick with it!

I unfortunately don't have any advice for you. I am just glad to hear from someone who is in the same boat as I am. And it is great to hear what others have to say. I think it is great that you are still nursing. And there is NOTHING wrong with your child sleeping with you. I hope youu let me know what you try please. I am going to try to stop the nightime feeding first and then go from there. I think patience and consistency is key. Good luck.

Hi D.,

I know I'm a little late responding but I just had to tell you! I still sleep with my 3 year old and my hubby got tired of getting kicked and squished so he sleeps a lot of the time in the spare bedroom. I am now pregnant with our 4th (so we obviously still hook up:) we have an awesome relationship and with the new baby coming I proposed to him that we move the queen size bed into our room next to the king size bed. Which will make one giant ridiculous looking bed but then he will be available to help/bond with the new baby and we don't have to kick our daughter out. Bottome line do what works for your family unit and be true to your own beliefs. One last thing. When I was transitioning my older two out of my bed I took the bed off the frame so it was just on the ground and put a toddler bed scooted up to it! Don't forget we only have 18 summers with our kids...if we are lucky! All the best!
Smiles,
Steph

You have a lot of good advice from quite a cadre of non cio moms. I am yet another mom who worked the same way you have. We co-slept until it just didn't work anymore. As many of the other families did, we put a mattress down in our room for our little one (16 months at the time) and cuddled her to sleep. I stopped the nighttime nursing at the same time so she never associated her "big girl bed" with nursing. After a few nights, she slept soundly through the night and stayed in our room until she turned 2 then moved to her own room. The gradual process worked well for us. If she did wake up at night, I cuddled her in her own bed. Good luck to you.