Seeking Advice for Parenting a 12 Year Old Girl Who Makes 'Catty' Remarks

I work at Greenbush, an education service center and last year we did a workshop called "Odd Girl Out" based on a book about girl bullying. There is a movie of the same name that aired on Lifetime. It may be something you could rent, or you could contact the Regional Prevention Center at Greenbush to ask about the girl's school borrowing a copy. You can contact Greenbush at ###-###-#### and ask for the Regional Prevention Center. Mention the "Odd Girl Out" movie.

I understand and know what you are going through. I have a 12 year old daughter as well, and she does the same thing. I have heard her and her friends do this time and again. It is the age. They form their own opinions and much of them about peers. Some things she says are not too nice. My mom always said to me, and I say to my daughter, "What if you were her". Would you want people to be making fun of you or talking bad about you??? How would it make you feel inside? How would you deal with it? I try the guilt method. It works a little - but I think whatever you do, she will still express what she thinks. It's just human nature with girls this age. We, as women are inherintly evil and vindictive (haha) - I am referring to Eve. I hope you make a breakthrough with your daughter. Little girls are sooooo sweet when they are little, but when they grow up - they break your heart.

all kids are different they are who they are this could just be who she is maybe have her watch some movies where the ugly different child wins maybe she could then see how it may hurt someone this is an environmental problem i think she is just going to be just fine she is still just growing and starting to figure out the teen stage.

Hi M.,
I have a couple of ideas for you, but these are only theories, so take them or leave them! :)
First, it sounds like you have tried a lot of good things. Maybe they just need a little more time to work?
Second, have you really spelled it out for her? Having a very frank discussion where you explain to her exactly what you think the problem is might have more of an impact than subtle suggestions. This could be somewhat disturbing to her, too, though, so I'd be ready to also offer lots of praise & assurance about other aspects of her personality.
Finally, it seems like kids that age place a lot more importance on their friends' opinions than their parents'. You might suggest to her that she ask her friends why kids threaten to beat her up. Of course, it's possible that her friends would totally take her side & not point out anything that she's doing to instigate, but it's worth a try. Some friends may be honest with her.
Congratulations for giving such a good effort already to help your daughter improve her life! She's lucky to have such a caring Mom.
M.

I don't have girls, but when I was a teen I had the same sort of problems. I would check out the book Queen Bee's and Wanna-bees. It is the book that the movie Mean Girls was based on and it deals with teaching girls to be less catty and about social roles of teenage girls.

J.

My 13 year old was going thru the same kind of thing, and it was driving me crazy trying to get her to stop.

Being honest with her about how what she says affects other people around her... And it seems the harsher I got about the realities of how people react, the more she cried and swore to change.. then the next day she would come home from school telling how someone new wanted to beat her up. She lived for the drama, and could care less about her school work.

Nothing seemed to work till I sat down with her one day and asked her what she really wanted to do with her life. If she wanted to be a mom with a husband or if she wanted some kind of career.

Turns out she wanted to be a lawyer, and that really isn't a realistic option. She is in a lot of special ed classes because she is so behind in her math and reading skills. So I flat out told her that she would NEVER be a lawyer if she didn't change. After she finished crying, I told her that does NOT exclude a ton of jobs in that field. Everything from transcriptionists to police to lawyer runners, etc. That finally caught her attention. Knowing that there were things she could do even with her not reading as well as you need to to become a lawyer.

I think it was that she knew deep down that what she really wanted, she knew there was no way of obtining, so she made her life about the drama that she thought a lawyer would have in their lives. She had a goal that she knew she couldn't reach, so she was a failure from the start in her mind.. so why try.

Teaching her that if she worked hard enough to get into a community college level of education would still open a ton of oppertunity in the field she loves, turned her around so fast it made my head spin. Her grades are coming up.. she has jumped two reading levels.. and all because she now has a realistic and obtainable goal for herself. If she keeps it up, she might just become a lawyer after all :)

This long story might help you if your daughter has the same kind of issues. If they think they are a failure, they will make everyone miserable. Find out what she wants from life.. then be as harsh as you need to be to get the point across that if it is an unrealistic goal, she can't reach that goal.. do it no matter how much it hurts. Then find alternatives that are within reach and in the same genra of thought.. and point her at it.

Basically make it so that she can get where she wants to be in her own mind. Help her find a slightly lower peg on her way to her goal that will make it so she wants to get there.. and knows she can.

I do not want to make this sound awful but i have to be blunt on this one

welcome to junior high and high school this really where people learn about cliques and the rumor mill

she sounds like she is testing the waters and trying to learn the social norms (culture at school) and she may also be trying to get more popular by mimicking the others from the group she wants to attend or be a part of

hope it helps my daughter also went through this too and well she survived there are many ways to accomplish what she feels like she may be missing out in a certain clique such as the cheerleaders, or pep club, or the goth, or even the stoners

if ya want to email me i will try to give it more thought
____@____.com

This is a great time to teach your daughter "cause and effects" or "you reap what you sow" principles. Without being accusatory or blaming her...sit down and go through the whole problem, i.e., when did the other girls get angry; Slowly walk her through the steps leading up to the confrontation and then let her see for herself that she possibly caused this type of problem. We all have been on both sides of this problem...We have talked about others and we have been talked about...learning how to deal with gossip and catty remarks is something that all females seem to have to learn. Just remember what she learns right now will affect her in later life. I am sure the catty remarks come from her feeling inferior about herself. Try your best to let her know that most of the other girls are feeling these same emotions...maybe they have just learned their lessons earlier. I am not sure about the "fighting". I hate to see girls fight, but I also believe that sometime we all have to make a stand...or we might be bullied for the rest of our lives.

I would point out people around her that are always making catty remarks and help her see them for what they are. Teach her to be the better person by showing her that her little catty remarks hurt people and it is not okay for her to do so. Tell her it is cowardly to say those remarks, a "below the belt" kind of thing. Good Luck. Try and teach her to focus on the things she likes about people and not to pick people apart, like so many of our youth today. Thanks... Linds